A very Jerry Thanksgiving |S:03E.75
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LIVE
Welcome to the wrecking yard, I'm Jerry Wayne Longmire, y'all presumably
still y'all.
All are welcome here in the Church of Internal Combustion, we just asked that to show up with
an open heart.
It's been a week, y'all, this is a balmy, I'm not sure that thermometer's right, feels
like colder than 60 in this garage, we've got a little cold front here in Houston, I
wasn't here for it, I just got back, it's about 10 o'clock on Sunday morning and I literally
just got back into town maybe 30 minutes ago, I left Fredericksburg about 5.30 am this morning.
Get back here so I can record and mostly just to get back home because sometimes you
just want to be home.
The road is not as alluring as it once was, I just loved my time on the road, loved the
stories, the adventures, meeting new people, and I still love going out and meeting folks.
The part where I'm on stage, that's the part, that's the crux, that's the thing you're always
trying to get to when you do travel work and travel shows, oh I've got that camera lined
up very good today but we're already starting so we're just going to roll with it.
The road is not as alluring as it once was, I was a young man, I like to be on
the road, I spent a great deal of my life living like some kind of nomad, living out of a bag.
Not that I didn't have a dresser, I just never occurred to me that maybe I should unpack
my shit and put it in a dresser, it's easier to keep that bag ready to go.
Me and Rachel, we got married and we had kids and I didn't travel for a while and
I got used to being a homebody, which I think might be my natural state.
Maybe a lot of folks, and you know, about six years ago I started performing and traveling
again and some of these weeks where it's all run together, it's hard for me to get
out of that bag, it's hard for me to get out of that bag and put my clothes back
in the dresser and put my shoes where they go and take everything out of my camera bag
and put that back up, my office is a mess right now.
Just that straight grinding period, finishing up the book.
It just doesn't draw me like it used to, you know.
Maybe wishing somebody had meant one of them Scotty beamy up machines or something.
I'd probably be scared to try it to be honest with you, that's things like you could come
out to that.
You know, they never showed us the bloopers while they were trying to figure the beamy
up Scotty machine, it might have been a whole lot of times people showed up with
a wing wing on their forehead or something because that thing mixed up their molecules
and what have you, seems like a lot could go wrong.
I don't really know the science behind it, I'm not really a Trekkie.
I shouldn't have probably started talking about it, I don't know shit about Star Trek.
Other than it was me and my father used to watch it together when I was younger.
My dad was a Star Trek, my dad liked Star Trek, my dad.
When I was younger I was a big fan of old Gene Roddenberry and I liked to show, I liked
old Scotty, I'm always a little, what do you call it, I like a Scottish accent, I like
to hear somebody with, I like to hear a Scotsman talk.
It's one of my favorite, the dialect maybe, accent, dialect, I like to, there's a rhythm
to it when Scottish people talk and though I don't know all the words, I can always
understand what they're saying, you know, just context and there's a lot of, a lot
of Appalachian people, myself included, I'm not Appalachian, I'm from
Appalachian people, but I'm not Appalachian, I'm Texan, but a lot of Appalachian people
descend from Scots and Irish and Welsh.
There's a lot of places where, where the language has a little music to it, a little cadence.
I think about when you hear old school preachers, there's a preacher out of
South Louisiana and I like to listen to every once in a while, not that I
necessarily agree with his message, but the man's a, the man's a consummate
performer, I love to watch him speak because his timing is impeccable, his
measure of breath impeccable, his cadence impeccable, there's a preacher named
Jesse Duplantis out of South Louisiana and he's one of the last of the old
school, you know, still a little fire and brimstone. I did hear him do a
really funny sermon one time where he was talking about abatement and it just
trickled me the way he worked it in there because he was talking about, he said,
you know, you don't, you got to abate yourself to your situation and if your
situation, you ain't got no money, you got to bait yourself to that. You know, I've
been very fortunate, I'm very blessed, I got to do Harley-Davidson and a
house with 36 chandeliers in it, I've had to abate myself to take all the
shit out of me. I was like, boy, you silver tongue devil, God bless you. There's
a magic in the way the old dudes talk, you know, I try to capture some of
that and some of my spoken word and stand up and when I speak on here, I
miss that, I miss the language having a purpose, not just a, not just a
function purpose, but a joyful purpose, really. I miss, I was listening to
Billy Bob Thornton talking to interview and he said that he, he was getting
tired of movies that played music to tell you how to feel at every scene and
it really struck me in some kind of way because that's what language used to
do. It's what language was for, language and the language you get from the
Scots and the Irish and the Welsh, even the blue collar places in England,
Liverpool, the language has, it has dual, it functions, but it also tells you
how to feel. It's a beautiful thing. A lot of my, a lot of my artist friends are
really freaked out about AI right now. A lot of raging non-line about AI, AI
music. It's not scary to me. Well, AI is gonna start writing comedy. Well, let it,
you know. The difference between me and AI is I know I can walk up to a group of
eight people and I can make them laugh. I can entertain them. I can hold their
attention. You know, that's, that's the big, as we, as we move more towards
algorithm driven entertainment. You know, the con, the, the, the format keeps getting
shorter. It's actually not even true. It's actually getting longer again. Most of
reals content and used to be I could even post a reel that was longer than
60 seconds for a while. It was like 30 seconds. And now I can run five minute
reels on Facebook. I can run up to three minute reels on YouTube, real shorts
where they all got their own stupid name for them. But same thing, short form
content. TikTok, I can do up 10 minutes. I don't do it very often. They don't,
they don't play very well. And I don't honestly put a lot of effort in
TikTok these days. Ever since the band and they kind of put it back
together and the algorithm has been a little different over there. And it's
not as, it used to be all the platforms were a little different. You have one
kind of algorithm going on on Instagram that appealed more to a, a, I would
say like 25 to 35 year old audience. And then the algorithm on YouTube was
decidedly older. YouTube to me are like the pioneers of video
entertainment on the internet. Right? Like the people who are on YouTube and
maintain accounts on YouTube and spend a lot of their time on YouTube are the
people that were at the first wave of experience and video content on the
internet. And so they're, they're, they're kind of like a, like guys that
like, you know, them high dollar bourbons, they have their own taste. They
have, they're a little harder to win over. So it's a different interaction for
them. Facebook and a lot of, a lot of, I would say like 45 to, to all the way
up to 75 year old people. It's one of the easiest formats you use. You can
use posting and stuff. You can have a lot of engagement on there and
discussions back and forth. So they used to all kind of offer something
different. And TikTok was like a, TikTok had this weird, these weird pockets
where TikTok was, a lot of it was people under 25. And then there was like a
really niche section over here that was a whole bunch of Gen X people that
was on the TikTok. And a lot of the Gen X folks left after the ban. And
some of them come back and try to keep their accounts going. But I just
I haven't put a lot of effort in TikTok post band. It's a lot to keep up with
all four of the things. And there's so much AI content on there. And I don't
personally care for a lot of the AI content, not because I have any kind of
moral drag out against it. Nothing like that. I don't care about that kind
of stuff. Just a lot of it's just not good. It's just not good. It's not
entertaining to me. It doesn't usually doesn't make sense. You see a lot of
Facebook pages that are run by AI. You know, you can go out there and look
and there's just creators that everything they do is just flush out of
chat GPT. And it's it's easily recognizable style. And you just
look at it. I just lose interest because I don't think you're telling me
your point of view. I think you're just spouting nonsense and die try about
me.
But I'm not mad. I'm not like a lot of my artist friends are really my
buddy Jeff Canada has been on a rampage about the damn AI. He's so
mad about the AI. And you know, I'm not saying he's wrong. I'm just
saying I do not find it that scary. I listen to podcasts. I listen to
people talk about the future where we're headed the future of the
platforms. I you know, I keep an ear to the ground on the stuff
because I have to it's part of my job.
But I'm not I'm not as concerned about it as a lot of people are
maybe I'll turn out to be wrong and I'm okay with that. But I
think AI is going to generate content and music and art.
The thing it music's been codified forever. Nashville's been pumping
out the same garbage for 3540 years nearly. Okay. Hip hop hip hop
was the first ones that happened to they got taken over codified
real quick. Pop music's been codified for a long time. You
got eight people writing pop songs. You know, it's I think AI
will generate content and generate music and art for the
same people that already like codified bullshit. I'm not worried
about my fans leaving me to go listen to an AI comic. I'm not
worried about my fans leaving me to go watch AI podcast. I've
just I'm not worried about it. And if they do God bless them. I
hope they enjoy it. But it's not. It's just that we've been the
codified crap has been a part of entertainment for a long,
long, long time. Long time. It's been codified crap. And the
people that love codified crap are going to love that AI
stuff and God bless them. Not everybody needs to be
complex. Not everybody needs to have complex interests. Not
everybody needs to have complex desires. It's okay. I don't
fault anybody for that. Every once while I like just put on a
dumb action movie and just enjoy just just a dumb action
movie with not a lot of going on. You know, and just just
live in that moment. Oh 80s movie tango. Give me tango and
cash. It's not great writing. You know what I mean? It's
not a particularly interesting plot. But by God, everyone's
why I just won't lay on the couch. Watch me some tango and
cash. I don't need something complex. I don't need something
make me think.
Yeah, and the people that do need that the people that do
have will still flock to original creatives will still
flock to writers who they find original will still flock
to speakers that they find original will still flock to
musicians that they find original. I ain't gonna write you
John Moorland. It just ain't gonna happen. Okay, now that
people churning out it is gonna put some musicians out of
business. It is going to put some comics out of business.
It's gonna put a hell of a bunch of screenwriters out of
business. But the people it's gonna put out of business
and people that are just kind of being part of the
machine anyways right now. I don't think it's gonna go
I don't think AI is gonna put John Moorland off his guitar
stool.
I just I don't I don't worry about that. I guess the way they
do maybe it should but I don't
I think the people that really appreciate interesting
complex art will still be drawn to that. I think people
enjoy what I do will still be drawn to that as long as I
keep doing it honestly and truthfully. You know, that's
it. That's the shit. You can't really teach nobody. I mean,
it's true with comedy. It's true. It's true with
carpentry. Okay, there's there's millions of guys out
there that can build you pretty good table. Good
looking table. Here's a perfect example. There's a million
woodworkers out there that can make you the most beautiful
resident table you've ever seen in your life, just like every
other resident table you've seen, maybe with a few different
details. But for every million of those guys, there's one guy
still doing Maltese 10 and beautiful old school shaker
style work. You know what I mean? For every million,
there's guys there's one guy or a girl who's doing amazing
work still carpentry. It's anything if you do anything
honestly, then then nobody can fault you at the end of the
day. Nobody can fault you. I believed in me. I gambled on me.
I do my thing honestly. Sounds great. Every episode we do
here in the wreckyard isn't a banger. Every episode doesn't
have a great message. Every episode it doesn't have the
best stories. Some weeks I'm tired and y'all can tell I'm
tired today but it doesn't have to be. It just has to be
honest. I had a I had a long conversation with a friend
last week who told me point blank in no uncertain terms. I
hadn't been a very good friend this year that there had been
times he needed me as a friend and I didn't show up for him.
And he was 100% right. 100% right. I didn't support his
projects. I didn't show up for him. Not out of malice towards
him. Just being caught up my own bullshit. It's been a been a
stressful busy year. And there's still no excuse. He was 100%
right. I had to own it in the moment. I had to just be quiet
and hear him out. Listen to what he had to say because he was
right. I have not been a very good friend to a lot of my
friends this year. I have been too wrapped up my own
bullshit. And and I couldn't do that. I could you know I tell
him I'm sorry. He's like well I wouldn't look for apology and
he wasn't. He wasn't. He just was being honest with me the
way a friend should. I'll tell you this. He wouldn't have
been honest with me about it if he wasn't interested in
still being my friend. That's why he was honest with me
about it. And he had every right to be. Of course he
was good. And I'm glad he was. Gives me an opportunity to
repair it in the future. Gives me an opportunity to be a
better friend. And that's all I can do is work at being a
better friend. I didn't offer him a bunch of excuses. He
said a couple times I know everybody's got their own
shit and I was like yeah it's fine but you've been
going through some big shit and I wasn't there. And so I've
been promising to go by and visiting for months on end
and then shit would just happen and it doesn't matter.
I'm making excuses right there. I didn't do it. I didn't
follow through. And I gotta do a little better. Sorry about
my eyes leaking. It's driving me crazy. A little bleary eyed.
Hope you guys uh well those of you here in the states I
thought about that. I wanted to talk about this week and
about Thanksgiving and uh I made a post that went viral
this week uh talking about my Thanksgiving mishaps. I'm
going to talk to y'all a little more in depth about it
and uh it just struck me being a being an American sometimes
the perspective is blinding. It's sometimes I forget that you
know just because we're having a holiday doesn't mean anybody
else is you know like there's plenty of people here in the
states that don't celebrate Thanksgiving but it was funny
with like people in Australia like yeah we don't really
have a thing for that. And uh
I was like yeah I guess I guess not and it caused me to go do
some digging about Thanksgiving to you know kind of find out
like we're at all stint. I mean we're all if you're in the
United States you've heard the stories about the pilgrims
meeting the Indians and the Native Americans and having
the first Thanksgiving which is a bit of a load of hooey
for the most part which you know that's how history is
written it's just whoever could cobble together the most
interest in horseship that's what we're stuck with
but I learned a lot in uh reading about it uh that really
shocked me I was trying to figure out but it's a big
deal here in the United States uh and I've I've been in
Canada one year during Canadian Thanksgiving so Canadian
Thanksgiving sometime in October I think towards the
beginning of October I felt like I was in Canada October
6th through 10th and I was there last night I was there
was maybe Thanksgiving I don't know if they do it on the
same day every year some of my Canadian fans might have to
jump in the comments and steer me right on that so the
first thing I did so this this past week here in the
United States was Thanksgiving week and it's a big
deal uh it's one of my favorite holidays because when I was
growing up it was just Christmas we kind of did
separate like Christmas was always the thing we did at
home with mom and daddy right but and then we'd go visit
people before and after but Christmas day was kind of a
just our little singular family is just me mom and
dad and Kimberly and that was Christmas for us but
Christmas comes to all this added pressure and you know the
gifts and and all that kind of stuff and the you know old
resentments and things like that but Thanksgiving never had
none of that for me growing up Thanksgiving was
Thanksgiving for me was either being at me mom papa's house
with a whole long marikland all my cousins and and
everybody brought great food poor folks food but that's
what I was raised on is what I love
man Barbara Lawnmire is one of the best cooks that ever walked
the planet she always brought some of the best food my
meanwhile made the best chocolate pie it was just it
was a time for the whole family to be together and us kids
and a lot of times for my cousins I didn't get to see
them off but every once in a while my cousins from
Florida Dominic and Gary Jean Catherine would come in
Uncle Paul and Uncle Gary and Aunt Paula would come in from
Florida and stay for the week at me mom papa's and we us
kids would just run in the creeks and and and get muddy
and get yelled at and just have us a time cousins that
didn't get to see each other a whole lot just have us a
time all right and food was good and and the men were
all excited about hunting and all you know hunting was
happening and
Thanksgiving to me always just be paper plates sitting out in
the carport and then after a while it started we started
doing Uncle Larry and Aunt Barbara's house and it was
paper plates at Uncle Larry's and Aunt Barbara's house
and then might go out in the woods and shoot at something
might go ride a four-wheeler
might go set something on fire but I just we're gonna do
something I don't remember how they came about this scheme
but they decided they was gonna they was gonna sell
mistletoe on the side of the road Uncle Larry and Aunt
Barbara was needing a bunch of mistletoe for some sort of
plan they were doing I don't know if they were gonna
sell it or they were using it to help somebody else's
business or something they wanted a bunch of mistletoe
mistletoe just grows rampant east Texas all up in the tree
you can just see it up in the trees it's parasitic
and
wasn't wasn't many climbers along my family we're all built a
certain kind of way right it's not climber style
we're not built like climbers we got good foundations
sturdy people and uh let's try and figure out how to get this
mistletoe out of the tree and Uncle Larry went and got his
four-ten and started shooting the mistletoe out of the
tree with four-ten and I just remember that afternoon we
just sat out there and shot mistletoe out of the tree with
the four-ten shotgun it's just fantastic memory you
know great Thanksgiving
says Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday as an adult because
you know my dad wasn't a big uh cook my dad didn't like
I mean he did like cooking but he didn't do a lot of like grilling and outdoor
cooking that's all stuff I've kind of taught myself and learned on my own
over the years I got interested in it and started doing it
my Papo Clark was real big barbecue man I was kind of wanting to learn some of
his tech tips and techniques and stuff like that
was teaching myself stuff and Thanksgiving's kind of become my
thing every year I make the turkey you know every year I do
I do the turkey and take great deal of pride in my turkey I've had
I've had some really excellent turkeys I've had some uh fairly abysmal turkeys
but take a great deal of pride and I've tried a bunch of different methods
over the years it's always been one of my
favorite Thanksgiving's was
and it must have been god I bet it's probably 10 years now
but I did a traditional style turkey grandma was coming to our thing Rachel's
grandma was coming to our Thanksgiving with her
cousin Duke our little house in Willis
and we had mom-in-law there and Rachel's brother was there
it's one of these rarer times where everybody was
you know sort of
there's a period of time where her brother was kind of a part of our life and
and I did a uh because grandma was coming I did a traditional
you know the rosemary the thyme and uh traditionally seasoned bird
and I smoked it on my Weber I had a little 18-inch Weber charcoal grill
well just you know little kettle style grill and I smoked it with indirect
heat on that grill and that the bird come out real good
and I just one of the highlights of my life
as a person who enjoys cooking and uh smoking meat
was grandma tell me how good my turkey was grandma was eating the
shit out of that turkey this is really good they did
really good boy that's about a good compliment you're gonna get right there
you know I mean grandma likes my turkey grandma been
cooking for everybody else forever grandma like my turkey
that's a Thanksgiving that's kind of what it is here in the United States and
there's a there's a story about the pilgrims about how some pilgrims
landed at Plymouth Rock met with the Native Americans
and decided to be friends and had a big feast together
turkey wasn't involved yet the turkey came later
which is kind of weird because I found out like in England
there's like three different birds called a turkey
because apparently way back when like 1600s or something shit like that
they uh there was this bird in Africa
West Africa and they started importing them into England through
Morocco and they called them turkeys because they were
coming through the country of turkey and they called these birds turkey
and it's a not a dissimilar bird but noticeably different if you've seen
a picture of the two and
turkey the turkey as we know it today or at least was we know it in the states
was already a native bird here to North America they were everywhere
and they were all down in Mexico and they're just real common
here and those started making their way over to England and
so basically what happened is uh some of the first explorers
that came over to the United States to North America
saw the bird that we call a turkey here now and decided that was the same bird
it was just lazy basically oh it kind of looks like that bird I've been
seeing they've been bringing from Africa
who's cut that's a turkey clearly that's a turkey bird
yeah which tickles me they just mislabeled the bird they're eyes clear
of turkey I don't know what the the Aztecs or the
Mexicans called them back then but
and then those birds got quite popular because they were delicious and they
were a good-sized bird and they started making their way over to
Europe became a big deal over there
the thing I found was funny about the so when I was looking up Canadian Thanksgiving
it's basically it's just a harvest festival it's an end to harvest festival
like whoo good job we got enough food let's hope
we make it through another Canadian winter like this might be the last time we
it's just kind of that it's like a hurrah we got the harvest done
let's hope everything goes well into the next year at least that's what I
understood from my reading and basically those kind of festivals those
kind of Thanksgiving festivals have been in existence
since well before it came to the United States like there's always been some type
of end to harvest Thanksgiving type festival
uh it goes way back way back in Europe so I don't
I don't know if any of the Brits or anything still I didn't look that up
celebrate any kind of Thanksgiving or anything like that but
the the pilgrimage story is the kind of the weird one so like there's these
Puritans religious Puritans and they're feeling like they're being
persecuted in England feel like people treating them bad they they said there's
fleeing religious persecution
and so they left England but they didn't come to the United States they went to
Holland and they went to Holland and they were in Holland I don't know eight
or nine years and then they decided Holland was
religiously persecuting them too and they came back to England and the
England was like ah we don't really
no I mean we liked it better when you was gone
so maybe you just find somewhere else to go by the end there's
stories of the new world so they headed this way
so they come over here and tell us we can't go to liquor store on Sunday
or some bullshit but they came to the United States
and then there's that big story about the Indians and everything
which is hilarious because there wouldn't have been no turkey on that table
Thanksgiving of course become a holiday much later I believe Abraham Lincoln
is who made it a holiday for us at the uh at the uh
urgings of one particular lady who was a big proponent of it
and she was also the one that come up with the turkey
she's the one said that we should we should be teaching people how to cook turkey
and turkey should be Thanksgiving meal and there was a lot of it's it's almost
all economy based it had nothing to do with the first
Thanksgiving or anything like that one turkeys was plentiful
it's easy easy go out and wood snag you turkey
two they were a good sized bird so you just needed one to feed a whole
family that's a pretty good deal
the other reason they like turkey is because turkeys turkeys aren't labor animals
you know you slaughter a you slaughter a cow
an ox or something like that you're losing workforce
back in so you kill a turkey you wouldn't you wouldn't
stop a none of your hens from laying eggs you wouldn't
taking out a cow you need you know what I mean like you had an animal
that was easily disposable because it wasn't doing no work on the farm
and that's kind of how turkeys became the thing
and that's how we ended up eating a bird every year that's so stupid it drowns
in the rain just that's actually a myth
turkeys actually really smart I have known a great number
of men that bow hunt turkeys in my life
and turkeys are incredibly incredibly sharp
very tricky to catch very tricky to nail down
and that myth came because when they started
farming turkeys like raising turkeys together all the time
for commercial sell and stuff like that of course they fatten them up you know
the these turkeys proportions got out of hand
and they got a little less athletic a wild turkey and a farm raised turkey
are very different creatures and it also messes with their
vision and stuff some of the stuff they give them
and so a lot of times these turkeys there used to be this old myth that these
turkeys would stand out in the rain turn their head up
and drink rain water till they drowned it but it's they don't actually drown
but that's how it's best way I could describe American
Thanksgiving to those of you who are outside the purview of
the United States perspective so every year a lot of us get together get us a
turkey get our family together have us a
little feast I don't know where all the other foods
come from I have a few favorites one of my personal
favorites are deviled eggs I like my wife makes
there's dressing and stuffing I'm not a stuffing guy
I only had that up north a couple times not my cup of tea
but my wife makes a pretty good damn dressing
this year was out swirled she's my turkey drippings
and she makes Rachel's an artist with gravy
it's literally one of my favorite parts of any holiday that involves gravy
is to smoke a jay on the porch of Rachel and then go in there and play
her Stevie Nicks songs on the on the blue
on the bluetooth speaker while she
makes magic it's I made a joke about it's like watching
Rembrandt paint the night watch the way a woman makes gravy
and it's a that little love potion number nine she concoxes
out of this world well makes some gravy
I happen to love most Rachel's cooking
except for the stuff she doesn't make me you know I don't eat seafood so I
don't it's not my thing I have shellfish algae
so I'm gonna do a lot of scrims
so we started out particularly hectic though
yeah I do that every the last two years down including
well three years including this year I've been a part of
another friend of mine a comedian William Lee Martin
I've been a part of his Christmas tour every year and it's a it's a good wholesome
comedies a really dirty business it's a really ugly business a lot of people
screwing you around a lot of a lot of creepy people involved in
entertainment too so and it's you have to keep
your guard up all the time because you never know what kind of creep you
gonna be around this week and not everybody a lot of good
people in entertainment too but
it's a dirty business you gotta stay guarded and it's really nice to just
wrap up the end of the year doing something wholesome
that's kind of family-based and I'm a Christmas guy and I like I love
Christmas and I like celebrating Christmas so
and though I'm I'm not what you would call a religious man
I grew up in the church and so I sort of like all that symbolism and I
I like the hymns and I you know I like some of the more religious songs
away in a manger and married did you know that kind of stuff it gives me a
great deal of comfort because the things I was raised on
not you know I'm not a church going man it's not my cup of tea but
I do enjoy that little bit of nostalgia every it just feels good
in the year on something kind of wholesome or just entertaining people
bringing joy to them in the best way I know how
making them laugh working with a friend
you know a guy I've known over 20 years but there's a lot of moving parts
to the show this is not just a stand-up show it's not just
me and him doing stand-up and then that's the end of it we
I as for as much as I love speaking in public
I have a horrible horrible phobia of singing in public
and I'm not a very good singer not saying I don't have a good voice
I think I have a nice voice and you know when I've had to help sing in things
I've done some nice things but
I can't keep time in my head I never know when to sing
I'm always there's this content creator it's kind of Joey Bro and
they're always giving him shit because they said he's about a beat behind
and I'm like I've been that way my whole life I can't keep time in my
head and I'm always offbeat and so I struggle with that so
but we sing you know we sing together on stage live
and I have to just rehearse rehearse rehearse practice practice practice
that's not my skill set
along with that we write a sketch every year
and you know a five-minute sketch takes hours and hours of writing to get
right
Bill wrote 99 100 of the sketch this year we just churned out ideas got
together in brainstorm so we we have a sketch so there's always
moving parts there's costume changes and then I also have to do
you know 25 minutes of stand-up with kind of a with a Christmas theme to it
and then I'm also reciting a poem this year and then we do a sketch
and there's some costume changes and then we do a grand finale
uh that's a parody song uh I like my Christmas a little on the trashy side
kind of like the old uh I like my women I don't remember who sang it
I owe him a little on the trash that Confederate railroad maybe
something like that
so every year before we start this show I usually go up to Rome Texas which
is about about four and a half five hours from me
Rome Texas is northwest of Fort Worth just a little bit
it's a healthy drive that's from my buddy uh Cowboy Bill William Lee Martin
I call him Cowboy Bill because that's how I always known him
that's where Cowboy Bill lives and we go meet up at his office and we
rehearse we rehearse the songs and we we work out the sketch and we work
out the beats of the show and kind of the show running time and
kind of put it all together and it's it's a lot of work
and usually the shows don't start until December this year we had a show
that the only time the theater could do it was right after Thanksgiving a
Saturday after Thanksgiving I would never do a show Saturday after
Thanksgiving again not because this was a bad show just because it's too
much it's too much when you're also trying to have
Thanksgiving with your family and then rush off into something like that
there's a result we had rehearsed different well my my week's been busy as
shit you know y'all know I was just wrapping up
all the book stuff
I was already feeling a little burned out uh there's a great sense of pride
in finishing something like finishing the book even though I don't feel like it's
finished
but there's also like a kind of emptiness that comes right after you do
something like that or at least for me I don't know how it is for you you
might be different you might just be like oh I'm
jazzed to get in the next thing me I gotta I go through this cathartic
kind of law it's almost like losing something
it's like yeah it feels great
but it also feels like closing the door or something I don't know how to
it feels something there's a there's a sense of loss
after it's done and I'll struggle with that a little bit especially because this
take your book is it's my life at least the early part of my life
and it's
it's been painful to work through and uh cathartic to work through and it's
it's elevated my writing to a whole new level because the amount of writing I've
had to constantly do to keep up with it and uh keep up with the needs of
keeping up with the schedule of what we were trying to do
and I've had a wonderful teacher and a wonderful friend
and my editor Adam and I'm very thankful because I done there's just no
yeah that's feeling kind of empty but then I had to drive Monday morning
need to go up
need to drive up to Rome rehearse work out the show with William and
Darren our musician and I was going to just drive home that night just
turn right just turn and burn you know but that's
it's nine hours of driving in a day it's a lot
y'all know my hips been jacking with me so it's kind of hard for me to be in the
car that long
and I and I was already feeling something and I had some ideas about the
show but I was very good at articulating them
I'm glad uh William Milly Martin come up with a great idea for a sketch
because I I showed up a little empty-handed this year I had some
ideas but they just weren't good uh and I and I was having trouble
articulating them and making them me better than they were
it is straight you know we have my sister's been here staying with us and
Rachel's friend was visiting from out of town of course Rachel's trying to get
all the things ready for Thanksgiving she's stressed out and
she'd already got me a turkey and I kind of prepped it and put it out here in the
garage fridge
so it'd be ready for the big day I could just throw it in the lake and smoke her
and go I was going easy this year just
gonna do a dry brine just gonna do a dry brine this year
got a bunch I ain't messing with wet brine I ain't doing all that kind of
bullshit I ain't injecting nothing I'm not
going to take the turkey out dancing before I cook it just
pack it down some seasoning dry it out a little bit
throw it in the smoker
done it for works good makes a good turkey
I was just trying to take it easy this year because I knew I had travel and I
had to show right after Thanksgiving
I headed up there Monday all the all the way up the room
just storming and pouring on me 287 just had standing water on it everywhere
that little Mazda's the hydroplane in the son of a bitch you ever drove in your
life it just ain't got no weight to it that car hits
water and it just wants to go water skiing and there was standing water
all over 287 of course I ain't slowing down because I'm rushing through
everything always I'm still trying to run 75 miles an hour and pouring
rain and hitting these water puddles and getting
sketchy and literally going up onto an overpass on 287
there's standing water like how's there standing water on a hill
on an incline surface like somebody explained to me the math behind that
like how bad are y'all the building freeways
we got standing water on the incline hit standing water going up on bridge at
Mazda got squirrelier and scared to piss out of me
got bills we did all the thing of course six or seven o'clock at night before we
get done I got turned around head back to Houston
I just can't see as good at night as I used to be able to and
get just south of Mansville which still puts me about
three hours away from the house and it's just pea soup
I mean the thickest fog there must have been some weird weather
condition I couldn't see two car links in front of the car
I mean literally I'm not exaggerating at all and of course I should have slowed
down but I didn't I'm in a hurry to get home
still trying to run 70 75 miles an hour
and there's part of that 287 thing where it gets real windy before you
get on 45 now even parts of 45 before you get down to
Huntsville and Houston that aren't well lit and real windy and
literally going down that highway and looking to the right
yes I'm hallucinating stuff sorry about that I thought I saw the animal
crawl up under my lawnmower just now I still think maybe I did I couldn't tell
what it was that happened so quick
something snuck off in here trying to get away from the rain
but I couldn't see I couldn't see and I couldn't see anything off the road I
could see the lines on the road I could see my headlights in the fog
I could see other cars when they got close
there's this dude in a Toyota little Toyota car I couldn't tell you what
like I can't tell you what model it is they all look
same anymore and he kept pulling up beside me and I was in the right lane he
kept pulling up beside me in the left lane trying to match speed with him
but then he'd get scared I guess because he couldn't see and he'd back way off
beyond his brakes a bunch but what he kept doing is he kept pulling up and
getting in front of me and then he would get spooked and start
all over his brakes and I have to jump lanes go around the dude
like bro if you're scared of it just back off you know or get behind me
so I had a couple close calls with him where he was acting kind of sketchy I
don't know he might have been drinking
and then there was this guy in a big old Dodge Ram and this guy in Dodge Ram
was doing the same thing he would run up right on my ass
brightest xenon whatever the shit headlights they got now
just light me up and then he would whip around me and he'd
and then we'd get to another dark spot on the freeway where it's curvy and
he's dancing on his brakes again all that kind of shit
I could tell he was unsure about his abilities
I probably should have been too but I wanted to get home
I just kept that little Mazda pegged on 80 mile an hour just
as long as I could see the line on the side of the road
and I assumed there was some trees and stuff on the side of the road
I couldn't tell you I couldn't see
you know right outside of Huntsville and they've both backed off a little bit but
I can see their headlights behind me just faintly in the fog behind me
and I come up over a little hill when I come up over a little hill I see this
it looks like a purple light and it's blinking but I can't tell if it's on
the road or where the hell it is it's just up here in the fog I can see
this kind of purpley blinky light
and when I tell you I'm on it before I realize what it is but when I get up on it
and have to slam on my brakes it's it's two 18-wheelers have gotten
cross-eyed with each other and gotten sideways in the middle of the freeway
blocking both lanes of traffic there's an 18-wheeler
wrecker one of the like a heavy service wrecker
and it's trying to straighten one of them out and pull it out
and that's why I'm seeing it he's got these weird strobe purpley lights
going on that don't look like your normal emergency lights
and there's two state troopers there with their lights on I couldn't even see
their lights I couldn't even see their lights until I was right up on them
and the only place to go is the shoulder and there's a state trooper standing
there and he's got a flashlight and he's telling me to hold off he's
giving me the hand telling me to hold up a minute
now I'm looking up at the top of that hill
because if I see them Dodge Ram headlights come over the top of that hill that cop's
getting run over buddy I mean not hard I'm just gonna bump him out of the way
with the Mazda and shag ass and he can deal with that Dodge Ram that ain't
gonna see his ass until whenever you know
and if I let it roll my window down I said there's a guy coming behind me
in a Dodge truck that I guarantee he's not gonna see us and I'd really
appreciate if you let me get around and he waved me over the shoulder
let me drive around the shoulder and get around him
and then he started shining his flashlight the road and I was like yeah that's a
good call bro I told I said I couldn't even see your lights
I was up on y'all before I saw any of your lights
and so he had went and turned the headlights on was flashing his little
light when I was driving off so hopefully got that Dodge Ram's attention
I didn't read no story about nobody getting run over
but I was I was steady boy I see them headlights come right here I'm just
going to nudge you out of the way with this Mazda and go on home
hope I don't end up in jail
get home midnight have a cup of drinks on the porch of mama get up next
morning it's Tuesday all right
make some last minute run to the store get a few things we needed here in
there that kind of stuff
Thursday is going to be Thanksgiving
well Tuesday my we got this Bosch oven and it's 20 years over but that's what you
get behind something it's 20 years old ain't mad at it it lasted 20 years
that's pretty good for oven anymore
but it threw a code and the code is basically it has a motorized latch
inside it that locks it during self-cleaning
and the reason this latch exists always feel like oh I wish things like the way they were
back in the old times well somebody didn't because what happened is in the 90s a whole
bunch of people kept opening their ovens while it was on self-cleaning mode
and setting their house on fire and setting themselves on fire
and then the first thing they do is go law your up and sue the manufacturer of the oven
so now all the ovens made now got this motorized locking self-latch and switch
and if that thing's screwing up it won't let anything on the stove work
it's a safety device
you know maybe from all them people in the old days hadn't been suing manufacturers every time
they did something stupid we wouldn't have to have all this shit but we do
and it's a result of litigious behavior
everybody wants to go sue everybody wants to go get them a check
so I'm with y'all know I'm a bit of an anachronist I like old cars I like a lot of old stuff
but I'm no Luddite I like a little technology too and I understand the reasons behind technology
and I also understand how much how many fewer people die as a result
of bad engineering these days it's a lot less
not everything new is bad
can't be a pain in the ass though especially two days before things are given when your oven won't
work because I was gonna do my stuff in the smoker but you know she had pies to bake and dressing
and you know a number of things that she had to cook in the oven and now the oven's dead
and I tore the oven all apart and you know this is the thing I will bitch about boss apparently
Bosch went around so you know you can find DIY videos on how to do just about anything on YouTube
and stuff like that you can't find a lot of videos on Bosch on this oven latch and it's because
Bosch was running around suing creators that was or threatening legal action creators showing off
proprietary trade information uh y'all should look at that Milwaukee does that too Milwaukee
and DeWalt has started doing that start going after creators and stuff or showing ways to fix their
batteries and stuff it's kind of crazy it's chicken shit is what it is not crazy it's chicken
shit greed greed all about the altar altar month and we all do much we hate to admit it
money means a lot of things to different people some of us it just means freedom
because you ain't born free you got you got to earn it and uh
so I couldn't find no videos how to take that Bosch oven part most ovens and like uh uh uh
washing machines and shit like that you take apart even dryers right they always got those
little spring clips under the front under the top and you stick a putty knife in there and you jiggle
that clip and you jiggle that clip and then the whole top hinges up not that some bitch in Bosch
I'm telling you I have pulled I've pulled engines out of cars and removed less things
than I had to remove to get that Bosch oven apart I had to take all the knobs apart take
the control panel off get to some crazy little screws that went up under the range top
all manner of shit to get that range top hinged up and open and all the burners apart all that crap
and the gas lines loose to get that thing open where I could get to that motorized latch
and see if I could clean it up or I even tried to jump her in it and that didn't work
I just the whole control board said no apparently they knew somebody was going to try that
that I wanted to go look for a part discontinued discontinued but I ain't even it's 20 year old
oven it's a 20 year old I ain't mad about it you know I mean I get y'all don't want to keep
making parts for a 20 year old oven that their new ovens aren't anything like it I get it I ain't
mad about it it's disappointed because I was hoping I could just go find me a part but
but it's okay I did find me a used part a tested used part on eBay and you know 75 dollars
20 year old oven I got spent $75 on it and maybe we get another five years out of it I don't have to
buy a new oven while we're living in this house it's good I'm good bro good good I'm not mad
about it a little pissy about the timing not mad about it in general I hear so many so many stories
people's ovens and stoves breaking uh on Thanksgiving it is I almost put a thing about writing a
little sketch where it's just the guys designing the expired timer you know what I mean for
appliances and their little boardroom somewhere and they're just like well we want to go out
well obviously sometime in November you know like 22nd yeah like 22nd 23rd somewhere in there
gotta make sure that's when it takes a shit uh do we got an alternate date yes December 25th yeah
if we could make them go out on December 25th that'd be great too
but I found my used parts gonna be here this week not in time to save Thanksgiving but we
scrapped me in breaks we we do well under pressure and I've gotten so many I talked about this in my
little video I made I didn't crash out I got a little irritated I was like you piece of shit all right
you know
but we didn't crash out we we looked like well should we just replace it should we do this
should we do that well none of those felt like good options that's a lot of money just
replace a major appliance like that especially even more even like I usually go to scratch and
dent and I get some pretty good deals I'm pretty good dealer and dealer
but this is a lot of money put out right for the holidays you know it's had been an exceptionally
profitable year so I've lost some money on some shows this year so excited against that but then
we we remembered oh yeah you know a company that sent me that electric smoker last year
they sent me a new one this year and I'm going to use this one I'll give the old one to my
cousin Ricky but it's still sitting over in the garage
hell man we can do your dressing in that electric smoker
it's just an oven basically low low temperature oven
and then Rachel we have a combination air fryer microwave convection little toaster oven
type thing it's not very big little tosheba and uh Rachel figured out how to do her pies in there
and then she figured out how to do her cornbread in in in the crock pot and it's some of the best
cornbread I've ever had in my life damn good I had cornbread and chili I had a little cornbread
it was just a hormone chili just canned chili little cornbread and chili though the night that
was tremendous hadn't hadn't ever tried that before but I heard people like put it on the
cornbread and so I had to give it a shot damn good this diamond gem certified cornbread and chili
I also want to try it on cinnamon roll I heard there's people somewhere put the chili on cinnamon
roll and I'm gonna be honest I can't want to try that shit I've had the spaghetti on the
spaghetti on noodles the the chili on noodles like they do up in Cincinnati and northern
Kentucky that kind of shit I've had that's pretty good I ain't got no issue with it
I could go for a little less cinnamon in it I think they put some cinnamon or some nutmeg or
something in it but that type of chili with hamburger meat is more akin to a bolognese sauce anyway so
it doesn't bother it's like I like it it's pretty good I like noodles I like chili I like bolognese
sauce so she figures out how to do cornbread in the crock pot we're about to whip out the
dutch oven but we already had other things that were having to be cooked on stoke you green beans
like that on stoke top and luckily the range the top range the gas range was working just the oven
wouldn't work but the gas range would work so we figure out figure out how to get around it
I'm still gonna smoke turkey and a smoker I come out here the day before Thanksgiving
we get that problem straightened out and I'm worried because Rachel's all stressed and
I'm just trying to figure out ways to help her
and we got other people in the house and people we love but it's it's more stress we have a small
home and so you know it's a lot of people in our house it's small so
day before Thanksgiving I come to get my turkey out of the fridge out of the refrigerator
and the trusty old garage refrigerator has taken a shit it didn't let nobody know now I've heard
since I told my story people said there's this little 20 alarm you can get off amazon
if ever get me another garage refrigerator I'll do that I don't use garage refrigerator that
much I'm not a beer drinker so I don't keep beer in there I just pretty much used the freezer part
of it store meat in it and the only reason we even got it is we had bought a used refrigerator from
a friend of ours right before we moved in here and we brought that one because it's a big nice
LG refrigerator and that was grandma's old refrigerator and I just moved out here at the
garage they had old deep freezer out here it wouldn't work and I just put it in place of
that deep freezer and we just pretty much just used the freezer on it for uh for uh o-bridge you know
extra chicken nuggets for the kids and that kind of shit and it ain't matter did either that refrigerator
is over 20 years old been out here in this hot-ass garage getting cooked by houston heat
temperatures that are unbearable it gets 110 degrees in here sometime in the summer
and just kept chugging along that refrigerator is kind of famous so about uh year before last
was it last year or year before last we had a hurricane barrel come through here knocked out
our power for like 15 days we forgot about that refrigerator and that refrigerator had a turkey
in it it was a you know one of those free turkeys sometimes you get around the holidays
and I had an extra turkey in it and I was just going to experiment with it cook something you
know do some kind of way with it well we forgot about it until come about uh holiday season
last year and she bought a ham and a turkey and I went to go put it in that refrigerator realized
that refrigerator been sitting with that ronk ass turkey in it and I cleaned that thing out and
got most of the smell out and it was a and I put it on the internet and it went viral and it was just
all these people telling me all their horrible stories about things that happen with their
garage refrigerators and deep freezers and that's why I ain't mad at it that post that one little
post on facebook it went so viral it made me about $1,800 I could have bought four of them
refrigerators for that it's just a old you know basic whirlpool refrigerator 20 year old refrigerator
I could went down to scratch a dip bought me a whole mess of them but I cleaned it out
got it working again anyways it takes a dive day before Thanksgiving this year
and we knew it had happened recent because when I went grab a bird like it was just
when I opened the door I'm smelling it right now and it's about to gag me but when I opened
that door it it knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon right it was it was bad and I checked the
temperature on that turkey and it was a balmy 55 degrees and just a just a bacteria cesspool
in the bottom of the refrigerator opened the freezer up and the freezer sitting at 46 degrees
and we're luckily everything up there was still frozen so we were able to save all that stuff
but there are now I'm without a turkey day before Thanksgiving still didn't crash out cussed a little
bit did punch the refrigerator you know slammed the door on it a couple times cussed it
then decided to go to our grocery stores called HEB decided to go over to HEB
see if I can find me a fresh turkey I didn't want to play fresh turkey but luckily they had a sale
I got it actually turned out pretty great I was I was in such a stressed out mode I was in high
alert because the shit with the oven and the the trip to Roman back it was just a you know what
it means just one of them weeks where I was just burnt I was just fried and I was I came into
the week fried came into the week cooked a little bit
really clash out but I lied I told Rachel I said I gotta re I gotta reset my day somehow
before I go to HEB I've been trying to get a hold of my weed guy for a couple of days he
hadn't been answering the phone I was down to the dry stuff that ain't no good and
uh some little anxiety about that was like man I really just want to kind of smoke take the edge off
so I went in the bathroom and I got these beard products I use you know it's oh I'm wearing this
shirt right now outlaws and gents outlaws and gents beard product I love his stuff
first beard product I ever found I wanted to keep using that actually feel like it's
doing something I've been using them for months now and my beard looks better than it ever has
and it feels better and it's growing better and so I went there I put my beard oil on
sometimes you just need a little self care right a little something to juice you up
and I put my beard oil in and put some of that bomb that good smelling bomb in so the
oil I use is like a pine cedar oil and then the bomb I use is tobacco vanilla and
it's just got a nice it's a nice scent layer that I like and it goes really good with my clone
that I have I use this Armani Cologne I like a lot that Rachel picked out for me
she picks out my clone because if she don't like it what the hell's the use of it
and comb my hair brush my beard out real good and put some smell good on
you know just make yourself feel a little better sometimes you sometimes you smell better
you look better you feel better you know it's one of those kinds like a PMA positive mental
attitude type thing look better feel better sometimes uh when I when I work for home you
know writing and stuff a lot of times I like going back to fix myself all up and put myself
together like I'm going to a job because it helps me get focused and get right to work when I sit
down it's hard it's hard to be focused in your pajamas or a pair of shorts sometimes so
I did that Rachel pray for me I'm going to the most popular grocery store in Houston
the day before Thanksgiving I may not make it uh we had went the day before and uh I hollered at
a lady in the parking lot because she kept honking her horn at me and I'd
whirl around to tell her to go eff herself and then realize it was a lady and dialed it back in
I thought it was a dude I was about to just blow some steam off of this jackass and uh
then I realized it was a lady I felt like an asshole turned my ass back around
and so I said pray for me and try to make an HEB and back without crashing out and losing my
shit right when I right when I and so I did all that stuff make myself feel better I got in the
car put some good tunes on backed out of the driveway and start heading to the HEB weed man
hits me up sorry man been out of town for a couple days if I got you I said oh sweet
Jesus boy went over there I got to pet his horse that's not euphemism my weed dealer has a horse
that he traded a Pontiac GTO for that he traded a bag of weed for and so I got to
got to see his horse in the driveway here in the city got my little bag of feel better
I went to gross store go to pull in the gross store so there's our gross store has a parking
garage because it's kind of in the city and it's compact and so to get up on the second floor
park garage is just one ramp and I drive a standard so I like to wait till the ramp's clear
so I'm not sitting on this vertical ramp you know burning my clutch up you get to top of
the ramp so I'm waiting for the person at the top to get to the top of the ramp and sure enough
this broad pulls up behind me in a Mazda CX-5 and it's just middle-aged white lady and she hunks
her horn and I wave at her like they they're almost clear and I'm gonna pull up and she hunks
her horn again and I kind of wave at her again trying to be cool because I'm just trying to
keep myself in check and I feel better that way she hunks again
it's all right ramp clears I pull up top of the ramp was you come up out of the top of the ramp
there's a there's like a concrete wall and you can't see over it especially in something small
like the Mazda so when I pull around that wall this is his old man that's coming out of the
store is on the second floor the store is actually on the second floor the whole bottom
is parking so old man coming out of the store and I don't know he looks like he's in his 70s
old Latino guy and he's dropped he dropped his bag and a couple cans and shit rolled out
from under his bag and it was a situation where I need to get out and help him he had it under
control but he just needed a moment the dude just needed a moment you know he just needed
a minute to collect his things and I could have drove around him and then everybody else
would have followed me and it would have been an electric for him so I didn't I waited here comes
his bride on the horn again when I'm kind of laughing because I'm like yeah I'm gonna give
his old man his face and she can kiss every bit of my left foot right I don't care
he just kissed the whole inside of my left foot heifer you're gonna sit back here
I'm in control he collects his things starts making his way across the little driveway there
I pull around him now that's clear and there ain't no parking up there it's 131 spots up there
and they all fool and I got this heifer behind me she's still clear she's waving her arms now
very impatient a couple cars behind her going around the parking lot and I know I decided not
to cut up and down the aisles because I like kind of just go in a lap and figure it out you know what
I mean not rush people and people those the aisles are kind of narrow and when people are trying to
go both ways it's just a pain you know there's just there's a sense of order to things sometimes
that make things work better so and it's clearly designed to be a lap style situation so I just
make the full lap and she cuts off down a rose and her age that little Mazda boy she's hot
her little cx-5 a couple of them follow her and I come back around to where that ramp is
and that old man he's in this little Mazda B2200 that
this truck was held together with hopes and bailing wire I mean fenders hanging off and
little pickups just in rough shape the little Mazda's they just run
and he's backing out of the parking spot and that Mazda he sees me waves at me I wave back
and he pulls out I pull in this spot right about time heifer in the blue cx-5 comes whipping
around trying to get it now she's doubly mad and I was one of the coolest moves I was so mad at
this lady I was I just wanted to be ugly but I wasn't trying to have that energy on me
it's still one of the coolest moves I got out of the Mazda and I just waved at her like
real nice like hey it's you again and she flipped me off and sped off down the aisle
and I walked into HEB prepared for a battle newest pact
and I knew exactly where what I Rachel had sent me the listing for what I was looking for what aisle
it was on it was in the meat department right hand side I knew where to go
and go in there and there's a bunch of people arguing in the produce area like
two families arguing with each other about produce and bustling and hustling and all that kind of
shit not shoving but voices are raised and I just ease around that and because people are
stopping to gawk at that I'm able to ease around this whole crowd of people I'm talking minutes
and go right to my turkey I find the turkey I won't grab it ease back out
because now more people are coming to gawk at this I ease over to one of the self-checkouts and
check out just like that boom I am walking out to the Mazda and I still see cx-5 ladies
driving around the parking lot looking for a spot I get a Mazda my prize my turkey
yeah oh I left the house got home within an hour which is crazy talk which is crazy talk
didn't know I was gonna have to thaw my friend but turkey said on the front of it fresh never frozen
horseshit that thing had a block of ice in it that could have sunk the titanic
you shouldn't have been frozen at some point down I had to thaw that turkey kind of quick thaw it
and pat it all down dry brine it put it in the fridge we had we had to clean out the
entire refrigerator make room for the turkey because now the other fridge don't work
had to deal with a particularly old avocado that somebody that was in a bowl in the back
refrigerator that almost cost me my guts I got I don't get a pukey at gross smells and stuff I
worked on plumbing for years that stuff don't bother me but I boy I was walking out the
back door that avocado fell out that bowl and smashed on the concrete it looked like baby
shit and it just blew it I didn't I didn't lose my lunch but boy it was sure threatening to me
it was sure threatening me I said boy
got the turkey prep
big day comes mama's able to get her stuff done we do the dressing and the smoker
I do the turkey and the smoker I cheated a little bit for my crispy skin
so I sprayed just a little oil on the outside of the turkey after I got it up to about temperature
I got it up about 160 on the smoker and that good pecan smoke and I use this meat church seasonings
called gospel and it was tremendous that man does good work and uh
but what I did is my big offset smoker I got around the side of the garage here
I had some pecan from the old general the old pecan tree it fell years ago I've been seasoning
some wood off of it and I had some good chunks of pecan so set up a little charcoal bed in there
got that pecan up to a a roaring I was pushing about 400 degrees in that offset smoker good pecan
smoke and then when I got that turkey up to temperature I moved it over to my big offset
stuck it in there and clamped it in there with the breast pointed away from the firebox
and crisp that skin up real good uh some it was still a little rubbery in a few places but most
of it crisped up real good turkey skins a pain turkey come out good mama's cooking come out
amazing as always does we had some nice Thanksgiving
and Friday
we don't often have a babysitter you know but my sister is here so she stay with the kids and
me and Ray just went we went to Petco and bought some cool shit for the cats and toys for the cat
and uh we just don't get to do stuff like that together very often and uh
then we went over to where Rachel gets her nails done and we both got a manicure and a
pedicure my fingernails look amazing and they feel really good too and uh it's a nice little
self-care that pedicure that's the only second one I ever have in my life boy I sure make your
feet feel good they do they rub all these lotion on them and they salt scrub and then
they put hot wax on them and then clip your toenails real nice and get rid of all your
cuticle and take a what looks like a a wood shaper tool to your foot scratch off all them
guys swear my my feet fit my shoes better afterwards I was boy I was just like footed
going across that parking lot felt nice of course got up Saturday morning
and I had to be in Rome by three because we need to rehearse as soon as they open the theater
not Rome Fredericksburg Texas about about four hours so got up early Saturday
shagged-ass Fredericksburg got there early we worked on script we read through the script a
couple times sketches bill had rewritten sketch and then we did uh then we rehearsed
till just about showtime it was eight o'clock and then the show the show went good it wasn't
me people there as I hope we had like uh like 135 people it was small theater
but the beats work the sketch work the beats work the the music work I did
flow up on the last song of the night I read the wrong lyrics because I got a little lyric
cheat sheet down there because I can't remember the lyrics of parody songs that we do
and I actually read the wrong lyrics on my part to do a solo and so my lyrics didn't make no
sense but I sang it loud and proud we just laughed and went on uh but the stand-up went good the show
went good all the beats hit it was funny it was a good night we had a good time doing a little
meet and greet some folks after the show then found out you can't get no food in Fredericksburg
after 11 o'clock so the bill and his wife run over to the water burger and grabbed her
basil taquitos and then we went back to Bill's hotel room building his wife and daring his wife and
just hung out there and ate our taquitos and talked about the show and talked about
what we want trim and the sketch all that good shit had a had a few drinks
I got bed about 120 in the a.m. and then got up at five a.m. this morning to get on the road headed
back here and uh whoo it's been a week that is a very Jerry Wayne Thanksgiving right there
I am a little cooked I'm glad I'm glad next week I'm off I don't have shows next week
we do got some family stuff we gotta go do but I don't have shows next week but then that last week
is four shows in three days and that's going to be crunch time so
we'll get to it we always do I'm looking forward to Christmas that during the Christmas show
last night I went ahead got my Christmas spirit tingling and I'm about ready to start cooking
on Christmas hey boy we'll wrap that up right there let's do some uh we'll do some testimonials if you
will some testimonials
you know I pulled these up here we go
and oh it's our old buddy at jake of all trades master of fun
I wish you'd come out with some wrecking yard hats and shirts even simple hats are just the
wrecking yard on them or any of the vehicles you've used as the thumbnail man we're gonna do that jake
it's just been such a grind lately but soon I get I gotta sit down and design some shit like
that with Rachel but we got some ideas we're toying with we just hadn't put them put them
into execution yet merchandise is kind of a pain you know you can pay somebody else to do it
or you can get it made and shipped to you but then you put a bunch of money out on that
and then you you know you got to sell it all to get your money back and uh it's a lot of shipping a
lot of work we just did the stickers and that was a huge run but we're gonna do something we're
just trying to figure out the best way to do it so sorry I'm slackin a little bit on that brother
at jack franklin at the end of cooking hit that skin with oil it was crisping it up now
that's exactly what I did brother exactly what I did I'm an old hand at turkeys bubba
at james nom nom nom nom man you just told a story about my life I can relate to
steam so many ways I don't know how I stayed out of prison or jail but I burned so many
bridges during my addiction struggles it took me way too long to grow up I screwed up one
marriage and almost messed up my current marriage with my poor decisions but I thank God every day
for the second chance of life that I was given if it wasn't for my current wife and my kids I would
probably be dead or in jail today brother I know that feeling I I truly believe that about Rachel
had I not met Rachel I would have just been another stand-up comic that got found in a hotel
and OD'd on something because the the direction I was going before I met her was not a good one
and she gave me her not a reason but inspired me to change my path and I'm real glad that
you found a reason to change yours and you're still here with us
because I ain't spent a lot of time in jail but the few times I've been to jail it wasn't fun
didn't enjoy it zero out of five stars being locked in a cage is bullshit I understand why
they do it but not my cup of tea
and sometimes I have a week
where the universe don't whisper it shouts me down
or where all the molecules around me are just reading me the right act
and I told you it started with a drive through a wall of fog so thick I couldn't see a car length
in front of me kind of fog don't make no sense kind of races the world dares you to keep moving
anyway all I could do was slow down lean forward guess at the shape of the road and
trust that the ground underneath me was still there and maybe I should have been a warning
but I didn't take that as a warning I just took it as a Monday
because the time I made it home felt like the whole house had joined in on the week's rebellion
you ever walk on your own place and realize even the appliances have had enough of you
like the walls themselves took a vote and decided they weren't taking on one more
ounce of responsibility everything that could flicker falter or fail chose that moment
do it we also ended up with some plumbing problems
I mean with the dramatic timing of a soap opera star collapsing on cue right as the holiday music
starts to play and then because the calendar don't care about your your personal bull I had to load
up and hit the road again another long turn and burn run first night doing a new Christmas show
new jokes new beats new rhythm and every mile between here and there echoed with that little
boys that uh you know most creatives and artists carry inside them what if you rush this what if
it ain't ready what if you ain't ready and top it off the book is done and finishing a book a real
one one that's you lived in it didn't feel like crossing the finish line it felt like
walking out of the house I grew up in and closing the door by him
silence afterward is loud and hollow heavier than I expected
I think I've been running on empty and worse than that I think I've been driving past every
metaphorical fuel station inside telling myself now I'll fill up at the next one I ain't got time
well that's the trick ain't it you convince yourself you got a gas you're out of time
that you got to push forward on fumes because stopping feels like failure
because rest feels like weakness because slowing down means you got to sit in the quiet and
listen to the parts of yourself you manage outrun for months
I was reminded of a truth this week somewhere between the fog and the house
throwing it's a little mutiny a man can run on empty for a surprisingly long time
but he can't steer he can't see straight and he sure as hell can't be grateful
and thanksgiving for all its chaos and comfort for all the burnt pies and loud houses and
sleepy afternoons supposed to be about gratitude not for the big stuff not for the
highlight reel but for the the the tiny things that we hurry past a warm kitchen the safe drive
home a partner who laughs in the middle of disaster kids who still believe you can fix any damn thing
a life where you get to tell stories for a living a breath another breath
gratitude is the fuel always has been and I think this week life was trying to wave
me into the station pull over boy top off you can't outrun yourself forever
so if you're listening to this and you're tired
not not need a nap tired but uh I've been holding up the roof for a little too long tired
I hope you take this as a sign that I didn't listen to the first time slow down
refill let somebody else stir the damn gravy let the world wobble without you for a day
it'll manage it's gonna keep turning it always does
if you've been pushing so hard you forgot what you're grateful for go just find one thing
just one everything doesn't have to be right to find one thing and hold it like a lifeline
fill up off of it because the truth is we ain't running out of time we're just overdue for a breath
and sometimes not always but sometimes the fog ain't gonna lift until you quit trying to outrun it
I'm rooting for you I'm jw and I love you
I am need a nap tired
I am need a nap tired I'm gonna go edit this thing get it in the can for y'all I'll see y'all this afternoon
if we make it through December
got plans to be in a warmer time come summertime
About this episode
Jerry shares his reflections on Thanksgiving, blending personal anecdotes with humor and insights about life. He discusses the challenges of preparing for the holiday amidst appliance failures and travel stress, while reminiscing about family traditions and the significance of gratitude. The episode touches on the chaos of modern life, the impact of AI on creativity, and the importance of taking a moment to appreciate the small joys. Jerry's storytelling captures the essence of family, food, and the ups and downs of life, making for an engaging and relatable listen.
Original notes
This week on The Reckon Yard, JW digs into chaos, change, and the strange comfort of looking back. A sharp, heartfelt ride you don’t want to miss.
The Reckon Yard Podcast
Jerry Wayne Longmire
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92:15