Ahhhhh, the French Champagne
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Term
oversteer
When a car turns, the back end can swing out more than the front. This is called oversteer and can make the car feel like it's spinning if you don't steer or brake properly.
Car
Mercedes A-class
The Mercedes A‑Class is a small, fancy car made by the German company Mercedes‑Benz. It’s popular for its sleek look and high-tech gadgets inside.
Car
Citroen DS
The Citroën DS is a famous old French car from the 1950s and 60s. It was known for its sleek look and smooth ride, thanks to special design features that were ahead of its time.
Car
BMW XR3
The XR3 is a special version of the BMW 3 Series that’s faster and more fun to drive because it has a stronger engine and better handling.
Brand
Venturi
Venturi is a small car company from France that makes fast, sporty cars. They’re not as famous as big brands like Ford or Toyota, but they have a niche following among car enthusiasts.
Part
heater crank
In a convertible car, you can open the roof. The heater crank is a button that turns on the heater so it stays warm even with the top off.
Car
XC90
The XC90 is a big family car from Volvo that can seat up to seven people. It’s popular for its safety and roomy inside space.
Term
kit cars
A kit car is like a DIY project for cars. You buy the parts and instructions, then put it together yourself to make your own car.
Term
kit cart
A kit car is a car you can build yourself from parts that come in a box. People often call it a "kit cart" because you can drive it once it's assembled.
Car
DeVrian
DeVrian makes cars that look like old sports cars, but you build them from parts they provide. They’re popular because they’re cheaper than buying a real classic car.
Car
Dutton Faton
Dutton makes a car that looks like a Porsche 911, but you build it from parts they sell. It’s a popular choice for people who want the look of a 911 without the high price.
Car
Fury Spider
Fury Spider is a car you can build from parts that look like an old sports car. It’s another option for people who want a classic style without buying the original.
Concept
replicas
Replicas are cars made to look like a particular model, but they might not be the exact same car. They’re often built by enthusiasts to race or show off.
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I'm Richard Porter. I'm Johnny Smith. And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things live in Bristol at Christmas.
Goodness gracious me. Thank you very much. Thanks everyone.
Incredible. This is what happens when you don't have the internet yet.
Yeah. Really happy when there's some live entertainment or near offer.
Everyone got your ticket via pager. Brilliant. Everyone managed to, I can hear the pages going on.
There are some ones. Yeah. Awesome. Keeping it real. Here we are, back in the 90s.
Well, we've made an effort for the occasion. I had a shave because earlier this week, or last week,
I did a little promo on our social media, wearing this neon yellow jacket that I've got on now,
and a purple sort of beanie hat trying to look like a 90s raver.
Let's do some hair somewhere, hang on. Yes, very.
We actually, the final one went off in here earlier. I suspect it was because you stood near irradiated.
I did. Right.
There was smoldering.
My very synthetic jacket and I wore a pink beanie, and I did a little promo for us going back to the 90s to date.
And then somebody in the comments said, that's not strictly accurate.
And there was something that was bothering me about it. I was like, this doesn't look right.
And he went, you've got a beard. No one had a beard in the 90s like that.
He's absolutely right. So this morning, I've had a shave, but I've left the burners long.
Yeah.
Full 90s spec.
Who had side burns in the 90s? Hands up.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a good portion.
Yeah. Me too.
It's just been a sort of tectonic drift of facial hair ever since.
A lot of men have just allowed us to go all the way around the face.
But the 90s was the burner era and the clean show.
So I've done that. I've wearing my baggiest jeans and please note, I've dug out my old gazelles.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I haven't dug anything out, Rich. I'm just the same as I always was.
Let me describe your trousers in the style of a daily mail article.
Let's say Johnny is sporting a pair of bootcut jeans, which he's been decorating a house in.
Fact.
Plastros radio.
Yeah. Plastros radio, yes.
These are my, these have, these have been relegated to my plastering and decorating trousers.
But I will have worn these at some point whilst presenting fifth gear in about 2005, 2006.
Funny enough, I believed I'm back in fashion now, but I worry because it's raining today and...
The wicking.
The wicking of the moisture.
On these sort of...
The hold.
These nightclub is...
It's as you call them.
We, we wanted to get a sort of...
Find a north star, a bootcut north star, just to check how good Johnny's trousers were.
And so, of course, we looked up a picture of the top gear presenters from the early 2000s.
It was the bootcut ground zero.
And...
I orderly gasped when I loaded up the picture on my Bristolian dial-up.
Because Richard Hammond looked like he'd, he'd...
Kidnapped subbenanes these yachts.
Yeah, he was, he was in the fashion, the sales into a pair of trousers.
He was denim wind surfing.
I don't remember it being that bad at the time, but it's probably because my legs went perfectly triangular from the knee down.
So we all just looked the same.
But then I realised, you know, in those sort of early days, particularly of top gear and then people started to notice the show
and they would get very agitated sometimes about how we were encouraging people to speed with all this driving fast on television.
And I realised it's because the presenters were powerless to drive slowly because on a wet day,
very heavy trousering, there's no finesse left.
Jeremy didn't want to slide sideways around the hammerhead.
He was trying to be sedate.
But the sheer weight of his jeans.
It was a nightmare.
Honestly, the mass from the knee down.
Incredible.
Really.
Why are you...
I just, I just want to add a little bit of gravitas to the conversation because it's almost a watchdog's...
It is, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Recall these trousers.
And maybe at some point, Jeremy, Richard and James will talk about it.
I'll feel that they can talk about it.
Yeah.
Well, they've all got knee problems because of...
Sorry, it was raining outside and these trousers have become very heavy.
Imagine all those insurance claimforms.
I don't know if you've ever filled out an insurance claimform where you still have to do an illustration
of where the dog ran out and all that stuff.
I have.
And where the bin man reversed up my whole fucking car and then said it was part of the wrong place outside my house.
Anyway.
Sorry, John, just to remind you, my children are here tonight.
Sorry.
So tell me more about your flipping car.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Flipper.
Yes.
Where was I?
So, those forms, you can imagine, they were like...
Lost control of the car for an excessive five seconds.
Yeah.
Could not get my foot off the throttle.
Yeah.
Just began moving at such a pace.
Things became uncontrollable to the point where there was a combination of buka oversteer.
Yeah.
And then perhaps buka understeer as well.
Yeah.
No-one wants that combo of events.
Let me tell you.
And then you finally just...
You use all the fork and you've got...
Oh, boot cut lock up.
Oh, awful.
Nightmare.
Yeah.
But luckily, that's all over with now.
Except here.
Except here in Bristol.
Yeah.
Literally seven Bristolians a day are injured in boot cut related accidents.
Yes.
Yeah.
Where there's a boot cut, there's a claim.
As nobody has ever said.
I've got to be so careful driving home.
I'm in a manual.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
I'm in a manual.
I've got to be really careful.
Anyway, we're here in Bristol.
And also it's nearly Christmas.
And Johnny's wearing a Christmas jumper which...
You maintain this as perfectly innocent.
My wife thinks there's some kind of aggressive thing going on between consenting adult deer.
Genuinely, I bought this a long time ago.
I think it's an innocent garment.
I think it's innocent.
Unless you bought it in Amsterdam.
I think it's innocent.
I've heard the term daisy chaining.
No.
No.
No.
Okay.
No.
No.
I don't have some consenting polysexual Bristolian deer on my jumper.
Yeah.
But I did buy any Christmas jumper for this occasion.
And I searched long and hard and I thought,
what is the most Christmassy thing that I can find?
I'm going to stand back now.
And it's this.
Santa Claus himself moaning about how his sleigh was blocked by a backmarking sleigh.
And how the setup was all wrong.
I'm going to say so for the people home.
This is my, we'll put pictures on the socials with my Nigel Mansell Santa happy Christmas jumper.
No, it's not.
It's not happy Christmas.
It's Mary, Mary Christmas.
I don't know why there's two Mary's, but there is.
It beats me.
Well, where did you even find it?
Nigel Mansell's from Birmingham.
Mary is placed in Britain.
I love the way that someone really splattered somewhere out there in the audience.
They have the Mary Hill shopping centre.
Of course it's Mary.
It's Brummy Cattle in the audience.
It was gold, frankincense, and whatever person said over there.
Yeah.
Well, I like the way also if you notice that they've still put the Hugo Boss logo,
but to avoid copyright, they've just put the B as a lowercase B.
Yeah, no lawyer's going to spot that.
It's incredible garment.
It is, isn't it?
Well, I've gone, I mean, obviously I've got a Christmas jumper of ill repute,
so we'll say.
It's not true.
But I have gone with a headpiece today,
just for the purposes of audio.
I'll just do this.
Yes.
Does anyone know what I've dressed as?
A dog.
Did you just say, I'll root off.
It's not root off.
Anyone else?
Richard.
A twact.
Yeah, I'll tell you that.
Well, that's a pretty nice thing.
What's it going to remind you?
My children are here.
You mean a silly person.
No.
Is it Blitzen?
No.
Dasha.
No.
Alan.
No.
He was one of the lesser-known ones.
A tribe stag.
Very good.
That's very good.
Yeah, I am running a bit hot.
I am running a bit hot, actually, under these stage lights.
Aren't a Volvo.
No, I've dressed as...
Wait.
You're an elk.
So I can be a Mercedes A-class.
Oh, wow.
You need to be so loved being in this room,
where people who get terrible geeky jokes like that.
I was on the motorway the other day,
and pulled into one of those big laybys on,
like those, you know, used the hard shoulder drive-on.
Well, where people do stuff.
M-42.
No, no, no, no, no.
You know, M-42.
Oh, yeah.
And then they drive on the hard shoulder,
but then they create the big laybys,
in case you have actually broken down.
I was passing one of those,
and there was somebody in it repairing a puncture on their car.
But their car was a Citroen DS.
I know why it's a shout out of the window.
You can just keep driving, mate.
They're famous for it.
Okay, that one didn't work quite as well.
It's a bit of like sort of too high.
I went too high.
Do you know what I'm dressed as?
We talked about it.
It just looked like a builder who's in the first hit.
No, no, no, ignore the trousers.
It's just the head gear, come on.
Nearly.
Most normal people would call it a reindeer.
But there's a certain song that we talked about some year or two ago.
I'm dressed as a jingle horse.
Oh!
As we all know, that famous song.
It was a jingle bell rock.
Yeah.
It's a jingle horse.
Giddy up, jingle horse.
That term that no one ever uses for a reindeer has never used.
Ever.
Because the reindeer would turn around and go,
You were.
Sorry, what?
What'd you call me?
Yeah.
You come here and say that.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So I'm dressed as a jingle horse,
just to keep it jovial.
On that side of the thing jovial.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Good?
Okay.
That's Christmas covered then.
Let's move on to New Year.
I've got a cracking idea for the New Year, by the way,
because I think you'll be aware, and certainly much older.
You'll be very aware.
One of the massive talking points in the hits of 2025 was K-pop Demon Hunters.
Huge.
Obviously a massive franchise now.
Well, I've got the follow-up.
Don't tell anyone, because I haven't pitched this to Netflix yet.
Rip Pop Demon Hunters.
For Andy.
Louise Weiner out of sleeper.
Yeah.
That idiot out of menswear.
Yeah.
Just go around hunting demons.
But mostly in Camden Town.
Of course.
What about if it was Rip Pop Demon Hunters,
and they were all hunting the lead singer of Blur?
Exclusively.
It's a niche quest, I must admit.
But he's quite elusive.
Yeah, but you just got to listen for the whistles.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't he?
Is it Winds of Change by Scorpion?
No.
Or is it Damon talk?
Is it Damon talking down a back alley?
Yeah.
Suddenly, one of the Hunters, I don't know.
Let's say it's some member of Swade.
Swade.
No, we've dealt threats already, and they're definitely.
Okay.
The other one, the guitarist.
The other one.
Well, there were two guitarists.
Anyway, anyway, I got below that.
We can cast it later.
But he's going, I hear him.
He's just behind that wall here in Camden Town,
and then they go, oh, no way.
It's just a discovery with a roof rack on it at speed.
Damn it.
They're going to Malawi to see if he's there
recording some backing vocals from a local choir.
It's him.
He's there.
And then he just realizes it's just a desk fan.
It's a desk fan.
As well as a bit of paper on them.
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So, yeah, Brit Pop.
Thank you.
Don't be telling you.
It's a thing.
Yeah, definitely.
What would they be driving?
What would there be equivalent of the Scooby-Doo mystery machine?
Well, you see, things are a bit contentious
what counts as Brit Pop.
Yeah.
Because we've talked about this before.
My mate Paul had a Brit Pop top trumps.
But it was actually volume two.
So they'd used up all the good bangs in volume one.
There's not enough volume two.
And there's not enough volume two.
This is the problem.
So he's getting a bit sketchy by volume two.
And it had things like skunk anancy in it.
And you're going...
Not a...
No.
The prodigy.
No.
No.
Stop it.
No.
So I don't know.
Because I was going to say, would you count?
I think they're too late.
But would you count like baby shambles as Brit Pop?
No.
Too late.
Because Pete Dockety loved an old jag.
He also loved heroin.
Well, he does.
Let's just say that he loved things
that would compromise your life in some way or other.
Brit Pop heroin hunters.
Yes.
Let's bitch that.
Brilliant.
What an awful idea.
Well, you can definitely film it in Camden Town.
Just for the purposes of the tape, I'm just going to offer out
a cheeky little box of black magic.
Discover the secrets of the black magic box.
So, Johnny and I, Johnny stayed at my house last night.
And we went, what we're going to do?
We're going to spend a whole of today
planning what we're going to say on stage.
Yeah, stop it.
Stop it.
Let me just finish before you start openly modest.
We met up this afternoon with Lisa,
some of you may have met who is out there
where we're running our merchandise store.
And she went, so did you guys have a productive day?
Have I guessed what we said?
Starts with an end, ends with an O.
And we don't know what we did all day.
Except we watched several times that clip of Austin Wells
trying to film a champagne commercial
in the early 80s.
Are people seeing this?
It's one of the most remarkable pieces of film.
Austin Wells turned up.
He had a contract to promote poor mass on wine,
a Californian wine label in the 80s.
And he turned up for this shoot.
And he had seemingly already enjoyed several poor mass on products.
I would say a case of poor mass on.
And then he'd gone mine sweeping around the poor mass on.
This is this is prime Christmas period for mine sweeping of wine.
I've got to be honest.
So when the fire alarm went off in this building just before we came on stage
and we all had to go outside for a bit,
we left through the bar downstairs
and there's some people just ordered food.
And we had just had pizza upstairs.
And I'd literally taken one bite of pizza.
And I saw what looked like some chicken wings, I think, on a table.
And just for a brief moment I thought,
I mean, I could.
I didn't, but I could.
Anyway, Austin Wells, if you haven't seen this clip just search,
Austin Wells champagne commercial on YouTube, I think it comes up.
We'll put a link to it.
He has had so much fine poor mass on products
that he's really struggling.
And he's supposed to go,
ah, French champagne.
But there is a champagne by poor mass on
or something along those lines.
The crucial bit is he's supposed to start with going,
ah, that Austin Wells is known as a fine actor.
Not when he's pissed.
When he's had a little bit too much squash, you mean Johnny?
Yes.
Remember, he's in the audience.
Yes, that.
And so there are two takes on this outtake.
And one of them, he starts and he goes,
ah!
The handsome, hey!
There's no part of that.
That's violence!
And he carries on for a bit,
and then the director just goes,
cut in the middle of a sentence,
which is surely one of the most crushing things
that a director can do to a performer.
It was like he was doing the piece to camera
whilst one of his hands was in a magic mix.
Yes.
That's the best way I could describe it.
But he was gritting his teeth and carrying on.
A weasel had run in and attached itself to his underparts
at the wrong moment.
Ah!
We've had some pain!
So they go again.
And I assume in between,
they've had a little word and they've gone awesome,
take it down a notch.
Ah!
And so he goes low-key on it.
Ah!
The friend's showing pain is known for it.
And imagine a man who doesn't know where
any syllables are supposed to go
in any given word or sentence.
Ah!
That was awesome champagne!
And it was made with the same actual answer.
Oh, look, a cut!
And that's the end of the clip.
And we watched this about seven times.
It was preparing for your show tonight.
Yeah.
And that has that counts as preparation in our world.
So that's why this shows rubbish.
Because we wasted our time watching
a very sourced up awesome worlds.
I just want to bring up something that involves Christmas,
but also potential fire-esque.
Which we potentially had tonight.
Yeah.
Because we were evacuated before we started rolling.
So Mark,
our lovely employee who's out there with Lisa on the merch stand.
We sell merch, you just say no.
And I asked him this week,
I said, hey Mark,
what's your favourite Christmas song?
He's 21.
And he went, oh, definitely WAM.
Last Christmas.
Solid.
Solid choice.
And then he said, yeah, but the thing is,
for many years, I didn't quite understand the lyrics.
Right.
And this is where I went nearer.
And I had to write it down because I thought it was worth it.
Did you, as an older gentleman talking to a younger chap,
did you just lower your reading glasses down your nose a little bit?
Like, I turned my hairy ear his way.
Let me just move some of these fronts of it out of the way.
So we can get the full beauty of what you're about to say.
He said, the thing is,
is I'm pretty sure that George Michael used to say,
face on a lover with a fire in his car.
Face on a lover with a fire in his car.
What?
What a lovely, y'all tied line that is.
So what, like, the dashes suddenly?
George, I didn't give it away.
I just threw it out of the burning car.
And when I went back later, was it gone, okay?
I didn't give you heart away.
It's lost.
Yeah.
I had more important things to worry about.
My XR3 was on fire.
So there we go, face on it.
It would have been, it would have been a,
that deep turkey that was going to the mountain lodge in the video.
Oh.
The last Christmas music.
Which we always talk about every Christmas.
Face on a lover with a fire in his car, in his car.
But then, so in his car as well, just like,
so he's, oh, it's the 80s.
Smoking in the car.
He's gone, we had a conversation outside about,
flicking the ash out the window and maybe the sig came back
on the back seat and took up some residents down there on the velour.
That's what's happened.
There's something I'd noticed the other week when the temperature
was dropped and it was properly bolted for a little bit.
Yeah.
And I saw two or three people driving around with their driver's window
all the way down.
Yes.
Cock your head like an owl.
Because that's what I did.
Why?
Because that's not smoking.
I don't think.
Smoking is a little crack, right?
Yeah, it's a Venturi.
A Venturi.
Yeah.
Atlantique.
Yeah.
Well, that one got nothing.
You're starting to wonder how geeky you actually are.
No, I couldn't figure it out because they must have been freezing
unless they've got the heater crank.
Because, you know, if anyone has had a convertible,
you can do that thing.
I call it the baked Alaska.
Where you absolutely whack the heater up and they have the roof down
on a really cold day and it's intoxicating.
Yeah.
Just me?
No, no.
I'm with you.
It feels special.
It's because I said baked Alaska.
And if you've got your poo cuckoo on full bore as well,
it's wonderful.
I like the blast of air, but with the cold air around the head
or you've got a hat on, it's nice.
So I don't understand.
Why would you have your window all the way down a very cold day,
unless the heater is jammed on?
No.
Christmas party guffs.
Oh.
Stuffing guffs.
Because the lunches have started.
It is the season of rich food.
It is, yeah.
So you've got to be careful.
Especially on the way to work the morning after, you know,
potentially leaving a jet trail.
So you...
If you do both windows, it evacuates way quicker.
The air comes through, it takes it all, it wicks it away.
Okay.
So that's where I think.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Good.
Thank you, Professor.
Thank you.
That's clear that up.
Professor Wookert, do you?
We were talking earlier on.
I don't know...
Because I think they have this in Bristol,
but certainly where I live in Bath or Bath, depending on where you're from.
They have the Christmas market.
All these little huts up in the city centre.
It's known locally.
I've allowed myself...
Well, I think I'm going to have...
I've allowed myself three accidental swears and one deliberate one front of my kids.
I think I've used those.
I've got it.
Yeah.
You've used my stash.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm going to have this one.
Because there's a known locally as 50 Sheds of Shite.
And people come from all around
to buy things they don't need from the Sheds.
But one of the things that marks out any town
that's got a Christmas market going on.
And we were talking about this earlier, weren't we?
Is roasted chestnuts.
Oh.
Awful.
Does anybody like roasted chestnuts?
Oh.
Sure.
It's a lot of you.
Okay.
Might have to bail out of this bit.
Why'd you get beaten up in Bristol?
Well, it's funny.
I mentioned chestnuts.
Look guys, listen.
I'm going to qualify my reasons.
I bought some of those street cooked roast chestnuts once.
Yes.
And I said to Richard the car the way here.
I said the problem with them was,
is they were a bit wet in the middle.
And I wasn't expecting the damp and I didn't like it.
Why are they wet?
Why are they wet?
I don't know.
They just didn't taste right.
No.
And I've never gone back since.
They've been in the streets.
Yeah, I love nuts.
I love many kinds of nuts.
Definitely don't have a nut allergy.
It's not funny.
But not the street cooked chestnuts.
Wet nuts roasting on an open fire.
Cooked by a man outside a shopping centre who didn't wash his hands.
Well, that's not why they were wet.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
The problem is I don't know the back story of how the nuts travelled.
And that's why I've never done drugs,
because you don't know how they've travelled.
That's another conversation.
It's not a Christmas conversation.
We can often take an educated guess,
but let's not get into that.
No.
Or indeed up there now.
Can I just want to carry on talking about Christmas related things.
Does anybody know about the Catalan Yul log?
Who said yes?
You have to pass one before you can get the drugs up there.
It's a little bit weird, isn't it?
So I learnt this week that there's something called the Cargatillo
or the Tio de Nadal, if I said that right.
Tio de Nadal.
It's an old Catalan tradition that involves a log that you've painted a face on to.
Yeah.
You cover the other end of the log that's not the face,
and you sing to it every day.
Oh.
And you give it scraps of food.
And do you know what it does?
Nothing.
Well, look.
Allegedly, what it does is
he pulls out presents when you...
when you hit him with a stick while singing to him.
But he's a log.
That's true.
It feels like his ability to manufacture, say, I don't know, an Nintendo Switch.
Might be quite limited.
Look, people from Bristol can relate, because obviously a lot of electronic devices don't exist here yet.
So maybe Catalan people...
Whatever.
It's a log and it's a tradition, and you hit it and sing it it,
and then put food scraps near it.
And this is only in Catalonia.
I believe so.
Okay.
Look it up, guys.
I'm not making this up on stage.
I promise you.
It's a real thing.
It defigates you.
It defigates you.
Who can make up the most bizarre thing about people abroad?
Did you know, if you go to the Bass Region,
they get earwax, and they mould it into a thing called the Mata de Heather.
And he brings great fortune to you,
and a slice of pork every day.
Tell that thing, that medical thing of wiping milk on your bottom hole.
No.
No, no, no, no.
What?
By the way, we were driving here.
We were driving here, and I said to Johnny,
oh, you know, it is the season.
Season for a few things.
We were talking, in fact, about one of my long-time seasonal favourites.
I hope everyone's cheese is seasonal favourites.
Apart from you chestnut people,
is, of course, the Terry's Chocolate Orange.
The TCO, if we may, just to keep things brief.
And we were chatting about the joy of a Terry's Chocolate Orange.
And Johnny suddenly went,
let's find somewhere to buy some.
Yeah.
And then I happened to mention Bailies.
And Johnny said, let's pull over.
We'll buy some Terry's Chocolate Orange and we'll buy a bottle of Bailies
and you can drink it on stage.
And this was going to be our plan.
Barry and I would waste it the whole day watching Orson Welles going,
no!
Rose and Brad!
Our grand plan was to have,
I said, balls of chocolate on stage.
Yeah.
And a whole bottle of Bailies, which I,
not him, he wasn't going to touch it.
No.
I was supposed to drink the lot.
And we only aborted this plan because it was agreed that,
if we were then chatting after the show,
I would smell unacceptably creamy.
And the whole thing was abandoned and we didn't even stop for the TCOs,
which actually is a bit of a shame.
It's a shame, but we bought some black magic along and some heroes,
so that was the little mix song about those chocolates.
Well, it's either that or devil worship.
I'm going to go with the sweets.
But it's entirely up to you.
I don't think little mix are into satanic worship.
They've seen quite a lot.
Did you use to many things today?
Really, really, really well vocal.
You have to say well in front of everything because it's still the 90s.
Remember?
Well, yeah, as well.
It's like, I've mentioned this on the podcast before,
but I quite like, basically because I work at home a lot on my own,
and you have to make your own amusement.
So I like just changing the words to songs in my head,
or if I hear them, you know, on the radio or whatever.
And one of my long-time favourites was like, you know,
changing heart to hat.
Hat.
Hat.
Yeah.
I've mentioned this before, haven't I?
You have placed a chill in my hat.
You haven't told me this before.
You change love to glove, or sometimes gloves.
Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
What gloves got to do with it?
Yes.
There's no meaning, sir.
It's just nonsensical, but I enjoy it.
That's really good.
Yeah.
What about Ken Lee?
Ken Lee?
Ken Lee.
We were wasting our time watching two videos.
You're forming a picture now of the day that we've spent.
It was mostly on YouTube.
Listen, this is inspiration for our live show.
So shut it.
Okay.
We watched a...
Was it a Korean...
I think it was from...
Korean karaoke person singing a Mariah Carey version of...
without you.
Oh, I think it might have been for the Philippines.
It's like pop idol Philippines or something.
Pop idol Philippines.
Yes.
It's in a very old clip.
Something like that.
Okay.
Yeah.
But, yeah.
The can't live bit.
The lady came on stage.
The lady came on stage and said,
I'm going to sing blah, blah, blah.
The Mariah Carey hit Ken Lee.
And the people sort of did that with their head.
And they went,
Oh, Ken Lee.
Do you mean...
I can't live without you.
And she went, no.
Ken Lee.
All right.
Off you go.
Play the backing track.
And she sang Ken Lee.
And it...
Very powerful.
It's a very powerful moving song, actually.
I quite like it.
I don't know any Ken Lee's.
My...
My...
My tortoise is called Ken, but not Lee.
So...
But...
Give us a burst.
But...
I don't think you're ready for our jelly in this situation, but...
I realize that that song by Mariah Carey,
which is not the one that's played at Christmas, obviously,
I used to think she used to say,
I can't live if living's in the bathroom.
And to me, I agree.
I would be like,
if you're only allowed in the bathroom for weeks.
You've got water.
Yeah.
So you can live.
Well, that was Natalie Abrulya, wasn't it?
When she was torn.
Oh, awful.
She was just lying naked on the bathroom floor.
She didn't specify a time period, but it could have been weeks.
Just gently suckle.
That's when you wish from a lucky radiator.
That's so unsexy,
drinking from a leaking radiator.
There's a wider context to this.
You know, we're not saying she was doing it voluntarily.
She'd been kidnapped by...
Oh, I don't know.
She's separatists or something.
But going back to living in the bathroom...
I don't really.
Might as well...
Oh, should we talk about this?
Should I pick something else?
Well, I was going to say so,
changing the lyrics of songs...
Yeah.
...is an hobby of mine.
Yeah, go on then.
And today, I was telling Johnny,
to his absolute lack of amusement about how
rather than changing words now,
my new game is just trying to...
Basically, the context...
I used to work with a bloke who said,
basically, a lot.
He was a lovely guy.
Yeah, basically, I said,
it wasn't him.
It wasn't William Willard, no.
It wasn't him.
But I see the connection.
Yeah.
No, he was a guy who...
So he's sort of organised film shoots and stuff.
And you'd say,
how's that looking for Tuesday and go?
Well, basically,
the venue has said that we'll have to basically pay for a whole day,
but we basically only need an afternoon,
so I'm going to basically go back to them
and just say that, basically,
we want to pay less,
and they're basically going to have to sort it out.
And this would go on.
It's five in a sentence.
I know.
It was incredible.
And we used to just call him, basically.
And...
But I suddenly remember the spirit of him.
And now, rather than change words,
I'm just trying to insert the word, basically,
into songs.
You have to be quite quick,
but you can do it.
You know, it's like,
we're like living basically on a prayer.
It's basically a sin.
Yeah.
I wish it could be Christmas.
It's basically every day, yes.
Yeah.
They try it.
You can't get out.
Because you've got to find...
You're like a sniper when you do this.
You've got to find your gap
if you're singing along.
Yeah.
You have placed a chill,
basically in my heart.
Or in hat.
It's either good.
Basically, step into Christmas.
Or exactly...
Exactly.
You need to come after...
Step into Christmas.
Oh.
Step into Christmas.
Well, that song's sacred anyway.
Because that's definitely...
No, I can't find it.
Step into...
I can't find the gap.
Once you've heard it,
you'll never...
No.
It's the jollyest song
talking about stepping into a log.
Just amazing.
A Catalan log.
Not a Catalan log.
No.
No, because that's one that defecates fun gifts.
It can basically...
Oh!
It can basically...
Very good.
APPLAUSE
This is the thing about our audiences.
They're better than us.
So clever.
So witty.
They're way beyond daisy-chaining stags.
I wanted to talk about the B.Y.D. Dolphin's surf,
if that's OK.
Just briefly.
I'll keep it really brief.
Is that a car?
Yes.
It's an actual car.
We checked this morning.
It really is.
Of course.
Of course, Dorsen Wells goes,
and we actually looked on the internet
because we were still in my house in Bathroom.
We've got that.
And...
And, yeah, it's a car.
But we genuinely looked at the B.Y.D. website.
They need to sort their shizzle out,
model name-wise.
They need to do...
I was saying to Johnny that I was in the company
of an Australian man last week
and in a situation that was becoming, again,
my children in here,
so I'm going to say,
a cluster...
FOOF.
And...
And this Aussie guy turned to someone
and went,
you need to get your ducks in a row, mate.
I don't think he said that.
No, he really did.
Although it was pointed out to me after
it was by another friend of ours,
that mate and the C word,
for the benefit of my children,
I mean cupcakes,
are basically interchangeable
in that they can be a grievous insult
and a term of affection in Australia.
So...
But this guy went,
you need to get your ducks in a row, mate.
And a chill went down my spine,
because the pointed mate was only an Aussie can say mate
and it's so loaded with threatening menace.
The menace of an Australian
I'm not inviting you to a barbecue later.
So I passed this B.Y.D.
a day before yesterday,
put the street part.
And I looked at it once,
and then I looked at it again,
and I was like,
something's not quite right here.
Someone just hit a dinner bell over there.
Oh, I forgot this theatre has a,
that's quite enough.
Thank you, please.
Listen.
Listen, if you're hungry,
there's some fun-sized snickers down here.
You can come and get them if you want.
Don't know why they're fun-sized.
That's not fun.
No.
At least seven of them.
It would be as big as a suitcase if it was fun-sized.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
B.Y.D. Dolphin Surve.
There was an issue with the sort of,
yeah, exactly.
There was an issue with the ratio of door to glazing.
What?
I'm going to say.
Yeah.
There's hardly any glazing at the back.
It's almost like a sort of micro van.
But you know what it looked like?
Immediately I thought about this.
I don't think it's interesting,
but I'm going to say anyway because I've got you.
It looks like those very high-thigh pants
that women were wore in the 90s.
Yeah, you know the ones.
Don't know who just said that.
What?
The person went, oh-ho.
Very high cut at the sides towards the back.
That's what the B.Y.D. Dolphin Surve.
You had to check your notes because they have...
There's another dolphin.
Another dolphin?
Yeah, yeah, there is.
And a seal.
And a seal.
Yeah, there's a good surf and...
No, no, no.
Sea lion.
There is a sea lion, right?
Yeah.
The seal is the only good looking one.
The B.Y.D. Weasel.
Yeah.
Badger.
Oh, yeah.
And the Ocelot.
What about the Munt Jack performance edition?
Oh.
It's got very tiny wheels.
Nimbled little bugger.
Oh.
Time.
Who's got this love?
It's the Vado.
Honestly, I love it.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
It's not embarrassing.
It's fine.
So, yeah, I saw this.
This dolphin, Lungren.
And I was like, what the hell?
What the hell's going on with this 90s hi-cut underwear?
And...
Well, that's the end of that.
So...
You don't come here for punchlines.
You swine.
You come here for this.
How did you get all that fast?
Easy.
It was a Fred Meyer.
It has our products always.
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And the Arina Maza?
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I was going to move on and say, you know,
I assume a lot of people here drive cars maybe.
I don't know.
And, you know, striving can sometimes be very stressful,
but I think I hope we can all agree that there is a new
and extremely stressful thing in modern driving.
And it is when Google Maps asks you if the roadworks are still there.
And you can't see the roadworks yet.
But that doesn't mean they're not there.
And the thing is counting down.
You're like, I don't want to let down the community.
I must do it.
It's so panicky.
And then they'll tell you there's a police car there.
And again, there might be a police car.
But I haven't seen it yet.
And you're looking and you're scanning and you're going,
oh no, I can't let these other people out there
who presumably have reported this as a police car.
If I give false information, maybe they'll come and kick my head in.
Google Maps will hunt me down.
They have maps.
They know where I live.
We have maps.
We will find you.
And then finally go, oh yes, wait, I see it.
There's a Battenberg.
It's a police car.
No, it's a highway's officer.
They're pretend police.
Some, am I allowed another swear in front of my kids?
They're your children, Richard.
They've heard this one before.
Some dickhead can't read what's written on the side
of an F-ing XC90.
F-ing in an F-ing in your heart rate has gone through the roof
because you're going, is it still there?
I don't know anymore.
Come and work in Bristol.
No internet.
Google what?
So did I respond to what?
Was it still there?
Yeah, was it still there?
I've left the car outside with it in because I panicked and got out
while it was still moving.
The Bristol Technology KGB will be searching all the cars.
They're actually looking for pull-out stereos right now.
There.
If you...
No, but...
I should have asked this at the top of the shows,
pulled their faces off tonight.
Off the stereos, you know what I'm talking about.
Um...
Yeah.
Face off tonight.
One of the best rooms of all the time.
In the Bristol that movie, people were like,
I'm not going to see if they were about a car stereo.
No, I'm going to do that.
It's Kenwood versus Pioneer, isn't it?
Oh, that's what it was.
I was going to do it.
The age-all battle.
And then Clarion comes in, nah.
I know.
I think the Bristol police.
They like a night like tonight,
because it's raining.
So your man's grabbed the stereo
because someone's tucked it under the passenger seat.
Always spotted.
And he's absolutely legging it, but he's not legging it,
because of the heavy trousers.
Oh, no.
Of course.
And because he's also had a massive amount of skunk.
So as he got bambi legs, he's got...
He's got a boot-cut bambi's as they call them.
The police are just going, yeah,
I'm proceeding in a westerly direction,
a gentle stroll, and I have apprehended the suspects.
He's only wearing dreadies.
Yeah, he's just cropped.
He's wearing fucking dreadies, isn't he?
Bastard.
So police aren't allowed to swear, I don't think.
No.
Should we talk about kit cars instead?
Who wants to talk about kit cars?
Yeah.
The thing that no one ever wants to talk about.
Happy Christmas.
Let's talk kit cars.
Okay.
Everyone knows the...
I just drank from your wine, sorry.
Oh, you absolutely flute.
It's okay, because I'm mostly over that cold up.
How do you...?
I'll do you.
Go on, put your mouth around it.
Put your mouth around it, I'll do you.
Go on.
Kit cars.
Ain't it right?
So, we all know about the caravan game.
I was going to put a word in front of it, but you know, children.
Magical.
That's the word you put in front of the caravan.
Magical caravan game, yeah.
We're aware, aren't we?
I think we're due for another game,
and it's along the same lines but the kit car game.
I said to Richard, I said,
what word could you insert in front of kit car names
or manufacturers that might...
It might be slightly amusing on a really dull journey.
We pondered it for a while, possibly an hour and a half
whilst watching Orson Wells completely back face.
We ran also in a couple more times.
It's just a check that nothing had changed.
Whoooo!
That's a fresh shampoo.
It's known for its excellence.
You have to watch this video by way, for another reason.
Obviously, the director has told him to tap
at the label of the bottle, which another actor is holding there
as his couple posing with the bottle about to pour it.
But Orson, as we've established,
has had a lot of poor mass on.
So liquid.
So many units.
So many units.
His tapping.
So many units.
Oh, no, but he actually goes...
He's pouring at it like a trap dog.
Sorry, I just put a nail gun into my foot by mistake.
While filming this champagne commercial.
Oh, guys, we're getting so hot under the collar here.
I get up to take off my Christmas jam was in.
So, we I'm denied for a while.
Yeah.
We're rich.
I was sort of toying with soapy.
Soapy.
Soapy.
The Dutton's soapy Sierra.
That is filth.
But we landed with flaccid.
So...
So when you see a kit cart, no offense to anyone that owns one
but eight out of ten of them are a bit shit.
So...
The flaccid devrian.
Hello.
The flaccid Dutton faton.
The flaccid fury spider.
The flaccid gentry.
That's decades of interbreeding, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
The flaccid scamp.
Oh, yeah, flaccid scamp.
My favourite one, and we are still checking whether this is real.
It's on their website.
We presume you can still buy it.
The flaccid marlin five EXI, which says sexy.
The flaccid marlin sexy.
It looked a bit wrong, didn't it?
I don't...
I was going to say there's never been a sexy kit car,
but those like Stratos look alike and things weren't there.
So...
Yeah, they're not kit cars.
No.
They're replicas.
I don't think anyone is generally, you know, excited in that sort of way
by lots of wires hanging down below the dashboard
and a smell of wet glass fiber.
I could be wrong.
I don't know.
It takes all sorts, you know?
I don't know.
Yes, so...
That's a thousand blossoms bloom, as that Australian guy said.
Well, while we...
Someone over there knows what I mean.
Thank God for that.
We were deep in our research, as you know, ladies and gents,
because that's what we did, preparing for the show meticulously.
We found a car for sale that's one of the worst we've seen in the kit car world.
It's sort of like...
Well, it's called the technical exponents,
Tripper 1500.
It's on eBay right now.
We'll share the link in the description.
Are we...?
This was the one that you showed me a picture of it.
And I went, oh God, this is exactly what is wrong with these sort of crazed kit car people.
Please don't tell me that asking eight grand for it.
And low.
We went...
We went on eBay, eight, seven, fifty, it's all yours.
I know what I've got.
I won't take a pound less.
Very much.
Well, rather than finding another, I'd rather find a carnival mallet
and swing it at myself.
At least six times.
At least.
I think you pointed out that this is one of these things where that is priced not to sell.
Oh no.
And I'm going to say it's a man selling it.
Take a wild swing at this.
Yeah.
And that perhaps he has a long-suffering wife.
And she said, any interest in the car and he's gone, no.
No.
Such a shame.
She's gone.
Maybe Graham, it's because you've put it on eBay for ten billion pounds.
Why don't you reduce the price?
And he's gone, okay.
Eight, seven, fifteen.
Well, that's still eight hundred and seventy five times too much.
Or maybe it's because you chained sword off the body of a perfectly good tripe spitfire.
Oh, that's the bit we missed out.
It's based on a tripe spitfire.
Yeah.
Which is a nice sweet, sweet little motor car.
And then lo and behold, we have this glass fire but awk.
That's been brought on top.
Absolutely.
It's terrible.
It really is quite bad.
It's a holiday vending machine, off brand, not a matchbox or Hot Wheels toy car,
made real for eight thousand seven hundred and fifty pounds because Graham doesn't really want to sell it.
No.
Because in his heart, he knows he's ruined a spitfire.
Oh, someone dropped all the celebrations.
No.
They're cascading down the stairs.
Save the coffee ones for me.
No one else wants them.
So, yeah, the Kit Car game.
Fun for the family.
Basically.
I think, and I'm sensing this by the fact that my children are so bored,
they've got nakedly come down to the stage to get chocolates
to help them through this ordeal that we should probably start wrapping this up.
Yeah.
Mark standing there nodding face on a lover with a fire in his car?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, I know.
I realize that playing my game, though, it would be a face on a lover with a fire in his hat.
Hat.
But if the hat was in the car, that's a double loss.
No, because it'll catch the headlining pretty quick, especially if it's a Kit Car.
Because I have a seriously flammable headlining made of old man's cubes or something.
And then it's just, I don't know, something appalling.
Right.
Well, we should probably wrap this up.
Before we do, hi ever, there are three things I should probably share with you.
The first one is that Johnny is engaged in a very strange project at the moment
to force the former lead singer of Merillian to put on some oversized shoes,
a lapel flower that squirts water, and then get into a car with 20 other people
under the working title Clownfish.
APPLAUSE
If that's not to your taste, then why would it be?
There's also the late break show, of course.
Yeah, there is.
Lots of excellent videos on there.
Oh, I have no idea what's on there.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Second thing I wanted to say is a huge thank you to all of you for coming out tonight.
Yeah, and coming to tolerate this, whatever it is.
Also, thank you to the tobacco factory for hosting us.
Thank you to Mark and Lisa, who some of you may have met,
who do their damnedest to keep us organized and as today has proven.
Struggle with things beyond their grasp.
No, honestly, I want to know, jokes aside.
Guys, jokes aside.
Thank you to everybody that comes to these live shows.
It means an awful lot.
Tonight's been a particular struggle because a fire alarm went off and we've got a 360 stage.
But you know, if you two can smash that, tell.
I really can.
We can.
That if we'd known exactly what this stage was like in advance,
we could have both come on dressed as sumo wrestlers.
I mean, the world's thinnest, lamest sumo wrestlers, but nonetheless,
I've got a massive split in these trousers, so I'm willing to make it bigger.
I'm willing.
And what's the third thing I was going to say?
We've been sort of joking about Bristol being trapped in the past.
In fact, in the olden days, a Bristol was 10 minutes ahead of London because
time was generally sort of done by the sun and Bristol being about 100 odd miles west of London.
Clocks in Bristol were 10 minutes ahead.
And then the railways came and started standardising things.
But there is still a clock on the corn exchange in Bristol that has two hour hands.
It has a red one and a black one.
And one shows Bristol time as was.
And one shows London time or GMT.
And then in 1880 GMT was made the law.
And Bristol had to snap to it and go 10 minutes backwards.
But they forgot to stop and they just kept on going.
And here we are wearing cut trousers in 2025.
Now there's underground timekeeping clubs in Bristol, isn't there?
Yes.
Inlicit Bristol times.
So you've got the time, mate.
If you go...
Yeah, it's...
It's a test.
Exactly.
A trip.
Screw you, Bruno.
You're a sheep in railways.
No, but seriously, mate.
Thank you.
And...
Yes.
So thank you.
And we'll do this all again soon.
Until then, we will.
Goodbye.
Cheers then.
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French champagne.
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About this episode
A lively Christmas-themed episode features Richard Porter and Johnny Smith reminiscing about the 90s while dressed in retro attire. They share humorous anecdotes about their past, including fashion faux pas and memorable moments from their time on automotive shows. The duo also discusses quirky traditions, such as the Catalan Yule log, and engages in playful banter about kit cars and their absurdities. With a mix of nostalgia and light-hearted comedy, the episode captures the essence of holiday cheer and friendship.
Original notes
In front of an audience in Bristol, Jonny and Richard discuss dressing for the 90s, Britpop Demon Hunters, Orson Welles and his sozzled attempts to sell Champagne, a confusion about Last Christmas, windows down cold weather drivers, basically changing song lyrics, the problem with the BYD Dolphin Surf, the most stressful thing in modern driving, and a new game involving kit cars.
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Smith and Sniff
Jonny Smith and Richard Porter
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