LIVE
The John Clay Wolf Show has appeared on Terrestrial Radio for a really, really, really long time.
So we dug into our pockets, and on the other side of our d**k, we found something funny.
And yes, it's contagious.
Gather round as the Wolf Pack goes on this throwback adventure.
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Mother f*****g Christmas, it's ya boy DJ Pre-K with the John Clay
Wolf Show, spreading some Christmas cheer from the JCW Archives.
It's that time of year, and I want to give some gifts like that big ol' pimp in the red fur
coat.
So I put together some of my favorite Christmas clips to keep those chestnuts roasting, baby.
We gon' hear from Randy the Chipmunk, Satan the Lord of Darkness, and I got plenty
of classic Christmas carols, too.
So check it out.
Today's show is brought to you by Vladimir Yuri Potachki, owner of the cell phone cover
kiosk at the mall, wishing all a joyous Christmas.
Yes, I tell you already, I have proper cover for your kind of phone.
iPhone, 9 or 10.
No, no 11 or so for cell phone covers of almost any kind.
11 is garbage, I wouldn't give to a goat.
Vladimir Yuri Potachki is your man, or ex-wife even.
So are you going to buy something or not?
Mastercard Visa or cash only?
No checks, no American Express.
I also can't eat belly button rings.
Baby, why don't you stay?
Baby, there's hoes outside.
Why must you go away?
Baby, there's hoes outside.
Hoes?
What do they do?
Things that you'd never do.
Well, how nice.
Think I'm gonna go outside and cut me a slice?
I thought that our thing was true.
But look at them boobs.
They look completely busted and dry.
Baby, what's in our eyes?
Don't come back with a cloud.
You know I'll wrap for ourselves.
Baby, there's hoes outside.
Ho ho ho.
Randy Rusty, what's his name?
Randy, and he's a chipmunk.
Hey guys, what's going on?
Good morning, what's up?
I'm sweating a little bit.
You do, you look high and all.
Yeah, it's a holiday.
You look disheveled.
I'm tired.
Oh, you're tired.
What have you been doing?
I've been trying to get everything together for Christmas.
Just trying to keep it all together.
Still have nuts for everybody till spring.
Oh, is that okay?
You gotta kind of measure them out of this winter.
Well, to tell you the truth,
I think it's got more to do with the great nut disparity.
What?
You know, like chipmunks have been saving nuts.
They've been saving nuts all year long.
Well, yeah, you have to.
But squirrels, a lot of them just won't do it.
Well, no.
Depending on where you live.
Well, they've been running from dogs.
It's also the first time in a year
you get a lot of nonviolent chipmunk crime.
What?
Namely, nut burglary.
There's nut.
Hey, hey, it takes a lot of nuts
to feed an extended family of 30 or 40 chipmunks.
Get some.
We have a little rite of passage
for all the young chipmunks and us dads.
There's an actual ceremony?
Yeah.
What has it worked?
We'll get several families together too
because it takes like 20 of us to get it done.
We pull off giant heists.
A heist?
At the All Night Wal-Mart Superstore.
No.
Where they got that big old nut bin.
Yeah.
Yeah, buddy.
You cool.
I'm talking about walnuts, peanuts,
cashew nuts and almonds
and hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, pecans.
Okay.
And sometimes maybe a carton of Winston's.
No, don't steal cigarettes.
So here's how it goes.
We all get inside while the stockers
are going on break at 3 a.m.
Okay.
And while the night helps all outside smoking.
Right.
The little chipmunks all go to the back
and break into the egg counters
in the refrigerator aisle.
The egg.
And run them up to the front in tandem
and throw them on the floor
in the main action alley.
Yeah.
Leaving a trail of runny, yellow egg destruction
all the way to the back of the store.
You guys have this figured out.
It's a mess.
Yeah, yeah.
So while they're doing the egg work,
that's more experienced professionals
of stuff as many of them produce bags
as full as we can to drag.
Holy.
And make for the shopping cart door.
And we always make the haul.
Wow.
One time my cousin Rudy slipped on the egg
and fell down on his way out.
Oh, yeah.
Scattered his nuts all over the floor
and twisted his hind leg.
But you know what?
He sued him.
He sued what?
Yeah, he won.
$60,000 nuts.
Oh, God.
He went to court really.
Now that Thanksgiving's behind us.
Yeah.
Time to get Christmas on.
Y'all have a good Thanksgiving?
It was great.
It was a great Thanksgiving.
You, oh, yeah.
What does Chipmunks do for Thanksgiving?
Well, it's just probably the same as you do.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Like turkey dressing in the cranberries?
Oh, God, no.
Oh.
No, we wouldn't know where to start.
You ever been around a turkey?
Yeah.
They're just crazy.
I know.
Let me just...
They try to talk to a turkey sometimes.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Turkeys are like the Pentecostals of the animal world.
Safety.
Everything they say is like...
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Besides that, every chipmunk knows.
Yeah.
In an omnivorous environment...
Omnivorous.
A turkey will eat your ass.
That's a question, man.
Yeah.
Not know me.
No.
Gracias.
Gracias.
No mana.
I got you.
No.
I know.
No, no.
Thank you, Rusty.
Okay, bye.
See ya, man.
Randy.
Randy.
Randy.
Chestnut's roasting on an open fire.
Roasting, blazing with a fire.
Jack Frost slashing at your lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-os
Christmas songs sung by a black-chested choir
Girls dressed down for rock-n-roll
Well acrylic in my car is a thing to say
On a bright, a wild Christmas day
That's the island greeting that they send to you
From the land where palm trees sway
Who is this?
It's Dina.
Dina Martin?
It's Big Crosby.
Is it really?
Oh my god.
Are you sure?
Yes.
He's bending his nose like Dina.
I promise you it's not.
That's being...
If I knew how to spell it, I'd look it up.
Go ahead and look it up.
Big Crosby.
I haven't played this song for years.
Yes.
Jimmy Buffett does a great version of it as well.
Yes he does.
And is it really a Hawaiian's voice for Christmas?
Yes.
Meli-kale-ke-makau means Merry Christmas.
It's a lot of words for Merry Christmas.
It's confusing me.
This was from the soundtrack of Family Vacation.
Yes.
Which we are sampling much of.
I love being man.
What?
It's Satan now.
Dude, we said we weren't going to have Satan on Christmas weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I break your concentration?
No.
Again?
Don't.
Stop it.
What are you doing here?
I'm just dropping by.
Say happy Hanukkah.
Hope everybody has a great time.
Is this a big time of year for you?
I mean, come on.
Oh, sure.
Everybody's celebrating Christ.
Yeah.
I've got two spots left on the menorah, brother.
Jesus.
It's going to be an awesome time.
And the whole thing.
Well, you know, I don't discriminate.
You know, happy Kwanza.
Merry Christmas.
And everything.
But really?
I mean, for my people.
Yeah.
Hanukkah.
Yeah, myself.
Jesus.
Gabriel.
We're all Jews.
Yeah.
The three students?
You didn't know?
No, I didn't know.
Huh.
I didn't know either.
I know.
It's funny.
I stumped the devil.
I don't look Jewish.
No, you don't look Jewish.
But yeah, we have a great time, you know, down in hell.
You're Jewish.
It's been in dreidels.
No, you don't.
Charlie Manson and Jim Jones.
No, you don't.
For having a ball.
You should.
You know who makes the best lots of balls?
No, I don't want to know.
Hitler.
I'm serious.
You would never think.
Okay.
But I mean, he was, he obviously was well researched.
I'm going to put the brakes on this.
Yeah.
I mean, these boxes will melt in your mouth.
That's just really something.
I love that Adam Sandler.
Hey, you just got to go.
I can't wait to get my hands on that guy.
Yeah, boy, I hope you do.
Playing golf with a hockey stick.
Jesus was Jewish.
Yes, you are.
Giddy up, giddy up.
I'll whip you horses.
Don't look at the snow.
Santa's house is where I want to go.
I'll whip that fat bastard into shape.
Take all of his toys.
Give them to the baddest girls and boys.
I'll take you horses.
Randy the chipmunk, what do you think?
How are you handling?
Are y'all having Christmas parties in the animal kingdom?
Well, yeah, Christmas parties are awesome.
Christmas parties are great.
Really?
You're still having them?
He said Christmas parties are great,
but you're not afraid of the virus?
Nah, we're chipmunks.
We got like a special metabolism.
We've burned up COVID in like nine days.
So nobody has had COVID where you are in the animal world?
Well, none of you are my friends.
Really?
Yeah, except for Fred the dog.
Fred the dog got it.
Yeah, I think dogs are more susceptible.
We have a party, but Christmas parties are bigger.
You know what a chipmunk Christmas party is like?
No, I can't even imagine.
It's like full on nuts out, nuts everywhere.
I mean, it's nut time.
Nut time.
It's nut time of year.
It's the most nuttiest time of year.
He has songs.
Yeah, we got nuts, every kind of nuts.
Brazil nuts, peanuts, sunflower seeds.
Everywhere.
We go crazy with him.
We go crazy with him.
You're crazy.
My friend Stan, he's a chipmunk.
Right, Stan.
He ate three pounds of pistachios.
No.
You want pistachios or a chipmunk?
What?
It's like pure cocaine.
Really?
Yeah.
And it was like on the ceiling.
Hey, y'all, let me do that Billy Odyssey again.
Rock the cradle of love.
Rock the cradle of love.
This was Stan.
This was Billy.
This was the cradle of love.
Okay, we get it.
It's outstanding.
It's outstanding.
Have you had some pistachios this morning?
I have a couple.
How was it when I saw it?
I have a couple.
Sure.
She's getting some.
Yeah, hey, ain't no sin taking two cents in if you don't know when to leave it alone.
Right.
Stan didn't know when to leave it alone.
You hear the story in the Minnesota woman who had some pairs in her refrigerators.
She threw them outside and they fermented and the squirrels got a hold of them and they got drunk.
Yeah.
Do you hear the story?
Oh, you always look for bad fruit, too.
You do?
Yeah.
You people don't understand.
You put out these bad fruit and then you ferment it.
Right.
Better than whiskey.
Better than whiskey.
Better than whiskey.
You eat those bad pears and you're like, smooth.
They got a ring camera doorbell.
Can they see me?
I really can't tell.
I'll keep my hoodie pulled down and I ain't making a sound.
Stealing other people's Christmas stuff.
Hey, here's the big inflatable Santa Claus.
He will look so good in my front yard.
And a sleigh and eight electric flashing reindeer.
I hope I'm parking them or won't be too hard.
Now wait before they see me.
Hey, wait.
I need a new tree.
I'll chop this one here down and then I'll get out of town.
Stealing other people's Christmas stuff.
Stealing other people's Christmas stuff.
Shout out to our friends on the better side of town.
Merry Christmas.
Get cool gear.
We got hats, shirts, all that.
Hit us up on Facebook.
You know, search John Clay Wolf Show.
We're on Instagram.
John's on Twitter.
You know, you can holler at all of us.
Okay.
You know how to spell it.
Okay.
We appreciate you all listening.
Keep on rocking with us.
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