Smith and Sniff Nov 17, 2025

Springtime

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Part

light bar

A light bar is a type of light fixture that you can attach to vehicles to make them brighter at night. It's especially useful for off-road driving or racing in the dark.

Concept

world rally cars

World Rally Cars are racing cars built to compete in rally events, which take place on different types of roads and surfaces. They are designed to be very fast and handle rough conditions well.

Concept

Group B

Group B refers to a type of rally racing that happened in the 1980s. The cars used in this racing were very powerful and modified to go really fast, making them famous in the car world.

Company

Bosch

Bosch is a company that makes parts for cars, including lights. They are known for their quality and are used in many vehicles.

Car

Escort rally car

The Ford Escort is a small car that was used in racing, especially in rally events. It was known for being light and easy to handle on rough roads.

Car

BMW i3

The BMW i3 is a small electric car that BMW made. It's known for its unusual look and is designed to be environmentally friendly.

Car

Volkswagen e-Golf

The Volkswagen e-Golf is an electric version of the regular Golf car. It's designed to be more environmentally friendly while still being practical for everyday use.

Car

Tesla

Tesla makes electric cars that don't use gasoline. They are known for being fast and having a lot of technology inside, like autopilot features.

Car

Defender

The Defender is a tough vehicle made by Land Rover, popular for off-roading and outdoor adventures. It's built to handle rough conditions and is often seen in challenging environments.

Car

Fiat 500e

The Fiat 500E is an electric car that looks like the small Fiat 500. It's made for city driving and is good for the environment because it doesn't use gasoline.

Car

BMW i3s

The BMW i3s is a small electric car that looks different from most cars and is made to be good for the environment. It's fun to drive and is becoming more popular as people look for electric options.

Car

Calibra

The Vauxhall Calibra is a sporty two-door car that was made in the 1990s. It is known for looking good and being fun to drive, based on another Vauxhall model called the Cavalier.

Term

turbo

A turbo is a part of the engine that helps it make more power by pushing in more air, which helps the engine burn more fuel.

Car

Dacia Spring

The Dacia Spring is a low-cost electric car that is great for driving around the city. It's one of the more affordable options available for those looking to switch to electric.

Car

Fiat Panda

The Fiat Panda is a small car that is easy to drive and park, making it great for city living. It's known for being affordable and practical.

Car

Land Rover Range Rover

The Range Rover is a high-end SUV that can drive off-road and is very comfortable. It's often used by families and people who want a stylish vehicle.

Term

electric range

Electric range is how far an electric car can go before it needs to be plugged in to recharge. It's important to know this so you don't run out of battery while driving.

Car

The Dodge Charger is a big, stylish car that many people love because it looks cool and goes fast. It's often talked about because it's a classic American car that has been around for a long time, and now there are electric versions too.

Car

Honda Prelude

The fourth generation Prelude is a model of a sporty car made by Honda in the early 1990s. It was popular for its stylish looks and fun driving experience.

Car

Maruti 800S

The Maruti Suzuki 800 is a small, affordable car that many people in India used to drive. It’s known for being easy on gas and was very popular for families because it was cheap to buy.

Car

Changan Deepow SO7

The Changan Deepow SO7 is an electric car from a Chinese company called Changan. It's designed to be a modern SUV with electric power, meaning it doesn't use gasoline like traditional cars.

Concept

internal combustion engines

An internal combustion engine is a type of engine that burns fuel to create power. Most cars used this kind of engine before electric cars became popular.

Concept

electric vehicles

Electric vehicles are cars that run on electricity instead of gasoline. They are often better for the environment because they don't produce exhaust fumes.

Concept

fuel cell

A fuel cell is a technology that makes electricity from hydrogen and oxygen. It's used in some cars to provide power without burning fuel.

Term

ADAS

ADAS means Advanced Driver Assistance Systems. These are features in cars that help drivers by making driving safer, like keeping the car in its lane or automatically braking if there's an obstacle.

Car

MG4

The MG4 is a small electric car made by the MG brand. It's designed to be practical and affordable, making it a good choice for city driving.

Car

Metro Turbo

The Metro Turbo is a sportier version of the Rover Metro, a small car from the 1980s. It has a turbocharged engine, which means it can go faster than the regular Metro.

Car

GMC Typhoon

The GMC Typhoon is a special SUV that was made to be really fast and sporty. It’s unique because it combines the space of an SUV with the fun of a sports car, making it interesting for collectors.

Car

Triumph Herald

The Triumph Herald is a compact car made in the UK from 1959 to 1971. It was popular for its unique design and was one of the first cars built with a single body structure instead of a separate frame.

Car

Hillman Hunter

The Hillman Hunter is a medium-sized car made by Hillman from 1966 to 1976. It was well-liked for being practical and was a common sight on the roads in the UK during its production years.

Car

Mercury Mariners

The Mercury Mariner is a small SUV that is comfortable to drive and has good gas mileage. It was made for people who wanted a stylish car that could also carry a lot of stuff.

Car

Morris Marina

The Morris Marina is a family car made by Morris from 1971 to 1980. It was popular because it was affordable and practical for everyday use.

Car

Ford Mustangs

The Ford Mustang is a famous sports car that many people recognize because of its cool looks and speed. It's been around for a long time and is loved by car fans for its powerful engines and fun driving experience.

Car

Peugeot 405

The Peugeot 405 is an older car that many people used to drive because it was comfortable and reliable. It’s not very common now, but some people remember it fondly.

Car

Buick Enclave

The Buick Enclave is a big SUV that has lots of room for families and their stuff. It's comfortable to drive and has nice features, which makes it a good option for people who need space.

Car

AC 427

The AC 427 is a special sports car made by AC Cars. It's known for being very fast and lightweight, and it has a famous connection to the Cobra, a popular racing car.

Car

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I'm Johnny Smith.

I'm Richard Porter.

And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things.

I've got a new car.

Have you?

La la la la la.

Well, you know this because I did tell you,

but then we got distracted talking about your boat when I messaged you.

Yeah.

I can't remember the sequences.

I think you messaged me.

I've bought a boat.

Yes.

And I wrote back, I've got a new car, but then...

I think I was all consumed by my watercraft.

I'm going to keep talking about it.

The irony is I've only been out and it once.

I've been too busy to go out and it for a second voyage.

So I'm going to go out for a second voyage.

In fact, I probably will be doing it.

When patrons listen to this on Sunday,

if I play my cards right and do all my adult chores,

I'm going to be in the boat as they listen to it.

Hopefully not in pitch darkness with a head torch.

No, wait.

Yeah, because the show is released at 6pm on a Sunday if you're a patron.

Okay, so that's after dark.

So if I am still in the water and you're listening to it immediately,

I'll hopefully have one of those exceptionally bright lights that runners have on their heads.

But we discussed this last time.

I thought you were going to get some, what did you call it?

A rabbiting lamp.

Yes, I need to get a light, a rabbiting light bar that runs on 12.

A light bar?

Yeah, you know, like, do you remember like world rally cars used to have the light pod,

didn't they?

Yes.

Which were mostly circular lights, big CB super Oscars and

Marshal and all the cool names, all the great logos as well.

But of course now, if you looked at modern world rally car night stages lights,

they're about the size of a mobile phone and they'll blind people for life.

Brighter than the sun.

Honestly, they turn everyone into dust, you know,

like when a vampire accidentally walks past an open window and just turns into instant dust.

That's what happens on a world rally stage though.

They're so bright and directional.

I was drawn to, but I guess it's weight as well,

because if you've ever picked up a light pod from an old like group B car,

which I weirdly have, they weigh so much.

From what group B car?

Well, I mean, I don't own a group B car obviously,

but I've picked up a light pod before.

Oh, I see.

You have, as in you have done this, not that you have one.

I thought it was in the Johnny Smith Automabilia collection in your garage.

No, no, no.

Well, no, no, you know that I have recently,

I have recently purchased a historic race car and I still haven't revealed it to the world.

And it actually came with a light pod,

large cluster of Bosch lamps.

But that's quite a small pod from when it used to be a rally car.

But I've picked up a light pod from, you know, like an escort rally car from the 70s.

And it is so heavy.

And of course, that's right over the front of the car.

So nowadays, everything's the size of a mobile phone.

And I don't know, on full beam, it'll see about two miles down a gravel stage.

Well, why are we talking about this?

I can't even remember.

Because we got distracted by your boat again.

Oh, yeah, your new car.

I was going to tell you about my new car.

Go, it's so installing it.

Because then you messaged me the other day out of the blue and went,

wait a minute, what new car?

And I said, I'll tell you what, I'll just tell you on the podcast.

And here we are.

Right, so look, settle down, guys.

Listen, look, here, here's the saga.

Richard's got a new car and I have absolutely no idea what it is and I'm excited.

Go.

Well, steady on.

A little rewind on this, because I was mentioning, I think, the other week about

how I was sort of circling around BNWI-3s and, well, a step back from that.

You know, we had a VWE up.

That was on a lease.

It went back.

We decided not to replace it.

My wife had a new job.

She was getting the train to work.

But then she discovered she's entitled to a parking space.

Oh, gosh.

And it's much quicker to drive to her new office.

So.

You guys instantly regretted getting rid of the E up, didn't you?

Well, I said, should we get a car?

She went, no, I think we can manage without.

But she was taking the Tesla.

It's fine for the most part.

I have my Defender.

Obviously, there's that thing I've mentioned about how I can't drive the Defender into the

center of Bath Bath without incurring the nine-pound clean air zone,

because it's technically a commercial vehicle.

What about if you have an old man in coattails waving a red flag in front of you

and you only drove the Defender at, say, 12 miles an hour?

Are you exempt then?

I don't think that gets you any kind of exemption, sadly.

That's a shame.

That's a real shame.

So I was thinking, right, what I need to do here is buy another car.

Thank you, by the way.

Now, I'll never find this again, because I didn't bother to dig it out.

But a list that wrote in and went, your solution to the Defender

breaching the clean air zone threshold is to buy another car.

Wouldn't it be cheaper and more sensible just to pay the nine pounds when you need to go into town?

And I want to say here and now, listener, that we have no truck with that kind of

sensible logic here on Smith & Sniff.

It's disgusting that someone would be that rational.

What a vulgar comment.

It certainly won't wash with us.

Really vulgar.

I know.

Really vulgar.

It was upsetting to be confronted with that absolutely sensible and correct thinking.

But it didn't put me off.

So I was sort of nosing about thinking, well, all right, we've had an E-app,

so they're very, very good, maybe not one of those.

I mean, my wife would have loved a 500E.

I think there's a few things wrong with that car that would annoy me,

which maybe it doesn't matter, because she would drive it more.

But she suddenly had this hankering for a minute.

By the way, my wife was still like, I think we can manage without a car.

So I was sort of working all this through on my own.

I'll come to that in a minute.

But I3 to me was like, yeah, they're great.

And we had a weird moment where it was sort of like an anti-find another,

where on the same day, two listeners who'd heard me talking about I3s offered to sell me

their cars, and they were both red I3Ss.

The S.

Almost identical.

But someone we know who knows their I3s and has had an I3 and an S

told me emphatically, do not get an S.

What? Because for every day, you don't need it and it'd be less efficient and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, less efficient and the ride is worse.

And the one thing about the I3 I remember is that the ride was never brilliant.

It was OK.

No, it's a stiff thing.

It's a torsionally rigid machine.

I also started to have a slight reservation about those doors on an I3.

Yes.

Because as I've mentioned a few times, I have quite a narrow driveway.

You do.

It's a bit of a pain in the arse with wider cars.

Now, I know the I3 isn't particularly wide, but it is when you open the front doors

and then you try and open the back door.

And I suddenly thought, I was thinking, I'm going to need to borrow an I3

and see how it works on my drive because it'd just be an absolute pain in the tads if you

couldn't, like you have to go through a whole ballet to get a child in the back.

But anyway, that was a minor concern.

You know, he delves too deeply into a car and you start finding out what goes wrong with

him and it slightly puts you off.

Of course.

But there was also the fact that the trouble with the I3 is they made it progressively

better in many ways, mostly battery capacity.

Yeah, because it's been in production for a long time or it was in production.

Yeah.

So that's the thing.

Well, you just cut the chase and just tell the listeners that you bought a Calibra,

but you went for 16 pounds, not a six-pot.

No, it's a turbo.

Got a Calibra turbo.

Oh, you went for turbo.

Nice.

Okay.

That was big too.

Yes, I'm going to have to get rid of it again because the doors are too long to open on my drive.

You just smash them into the wall each day.

You know, any kids, my kids do it.

They kick the door open so it flings out to the full extension.

And if there's anything there, when they were kids, certainly when they were much younger,

used to grind my gears.

He'd be like, no.

Yeah, that's my children have learned to open doors slowly and cautiously and to exit the car.

Like that liquid stuff in Terminator 2 because our drive is narrow and they know that T1000,

it's too easy to dink doors against the stone walls either side.

So, yes, they're pretty good at that.

Anyway, so I'll cut to the chase because the thing is it's like this.

So the kind of i3 I wanted was basically a later one with a bigger battery in there.

It's kind of knocking around 10 grand minimum and upwards.

And the same is true of 500 ease seems to have actually steadied around that level.

And so have lots of other things like that.

And I was suddenly like, oh, we're spending some money on house stuff.

And I said, I don't want to drop that kind of cash in one go,

which led me to circle back to something I've been keeping my BDI on,

which is various lease deals going on different things.

Oh, one day I couldn't help but notice there was a ridiculously cheap deal going.

It's a dacha spring, isn't it?

Is it?

It's a dacha spring.

Is it?

114 pounds a month.

Oh my gosh, because I've heard that they were hovering around 100 sheets.

Yeah, that's the cheapest I saw.

Now there's a whole backstory as it turns out,

because I saw this offer and I was a bit like, that's the lowest I've ever seen them.

For context, you could have a leap motor, TO3, you know, those funny piggy face.

Still not driven the leap motor.

I really want to and I should have.

That O3 I borrowed one is absolutely fine.

And it feels less tinny and higher quality and more grown up than the dacha spring.

There's no question.

And last I looked, 99 quid a month for one of those.

So that would have been the obvious choice, but for some reason I have no desire

to drive a leap motor, TO3, whereas I am really down with the dacha spring.

And I was talking to Nicola Hume out of Electrifying and Midweek F1,

when I was a guest on the F1 podcast.

She's an exceptionally funny woman.

She is.

And she put her finger precisely on it.

And I said, I think I'm going to get a dacha spring,

because there's a very cheap lease deal, but it's not as cheap as a leap motor.

But I don't want a leap motor.

I want a spring.

And she went, yes, because the spring is charming.

I was like, that's it.

The leap motor is competent, but it's not charming.

There is something charming about the spring, partly because it's a bit shit.

Well, we like cars like that.

And I just, I enjoyed it when I borrowed one.

And I just went, fuck it, I'm going to do it.

So what's this, about 100 quid a month?

114 is the headline.

But here's the thing.

Here's how it came about.

Now, by the way, I'm not being sponsored or I'm in the employ of these people,

but it was Evans Halshaw, the dealer group, the man on the phone.

Because I emailed them and went, is this office still active?

And the guy rang me and he was a very nice bloke.

And he was very upfront and he went, here's what happened.

We bought 50 of these cars.

They must have got a hell of a discount, I assume.

So we own the cars and we were able to punt them out at this.

So when they're gone, they're gone.

This is, this is, you know, just applies to these 50 that we've brought in.

Yeah.

We had all the different colors and they're all the same price, which is unusual.

If you would normally, anything but the freebie color, you don't have to pay extra for.

But this, they've just gone, look, we got all these cars.

So this is, it's a one shot deal.

When they're gone, they're gone.

When they're gone, they're gone, right?

So he went with, yeah, we've still got some left and he went, we've got, you know,

12 red ones and we've got five blue ones and we go, oh, hang on, sorry.

I'm just looking at the list.

We've got one green one and then that's it.

And I was like, oh, the green I like.

So I went, okay, I'll, I'll call you back.

And then I sat there for a couple of minutes and went, ah, fuck, if I'm going to do this,

I really want a green one.

So then I just messaged him and went, right, put me down for the green one.

And that's that.

So yeah, it just seemed too cheap to turn down for a car that I just need to sort of

wang about town and, and all bits and, you know, taking the kids to swimming and that kind of shit.

So yeah, I've got a dacha spring.

Well done, you.

It's really good as well.

In fact, it's sort of better than I remember.

In some ways, I think probably the change to the slight bit of calibration

or something that breaks are less grabby when you use the actual pedal

rather than the region that I remember.

So if you've got it, it's on the drive.

You've got it.

It's on the drive.

It turned up a couple of weeks ago.

But yeah, there's a complexity here in long-term listeners will remember that

I am a fuckwit and a shit husband because I once bought a Fiat Panda and didn't tell my wife

even when it was parked outside the house and when she found out she was

understandably rather disappointed and cross that I just hadn't told her.

So I moved so quickly on the dacha spring that I didn't discuss it with her first.

Reasoning that she didn't really need to worry about it.

I was going to pay for it and it's all fine.

But then I kept thinking, I must buy them.

I must tell her that I've signed up for another car and I'm sure that'll be fine

because it'll be useful because in fact during that time there was a situation

where it was a bit like, oh shit, we could be really handy for various reasons.

And I just kept forgetting and then the car was actually delivered.

But I have brand new cars turning up semi-regularly because of my job.

And so she came home and there's a new car on the drive.

She didn't think anything of it.

She assumed it was a press car.

Is she down with it?

It's okay now.

Initially she was like, I don't like that car.

And I was like, well, you know, you haven't driven it yet.

Yeah.

Because obviously there are certain cars that she would have had her eye on.

Because then she went, could you not have bought the Fiat 500e?

And you're like, yes, I could have, but anyway.

Well, I could have done if you want to give me 10 to 12,000 pounds cash.

Because also for context, if you want to PCP a 500e, the rates are absolutely terrible.

Yes.

But when it comes to just going, I don't want to lay down a big lump sum.

I just wanted to do a kind of dribble of cash for a car that I could just give back.

Low stress, low hassle, all of that.

The spring just made sense.

But I think she would have probably rather just sort of gone, look,

I will rustle up the money to go and get a 500e.

So how are we initially going?

Oh, no, you've signed up for a car that I think is stupid and dorky.

And you didn't tell me about it first.

She started coming around to me.

Okay.

I am insured to drive it.

Yeah, I'm insured to drive it.

She went, right, yeah.

Because I might want to take it to work, you know,

because I do find the Tesla a bit big sometimes to park.

Yeah, no, I'm definitely going to be quite useful for me to use sometimes.

So it's a bit like she's warming to it.

The inside's quite nice, isn't it?

I just the outside I don't like.

And I like the color.

I do like the color.

And it's a bit like, oh, see, this is like, this is coming around.

Did you know this is the last one left in the country that week in green?

And I secured it, darling.

I haven't told her that yet.

Okay.

You dropped that one.

I may, I may.

But yeah, because if she does go,

I still can't believe you didn't at least ring me and just go,

that was an amazing deal.

Do you think we should do it?

I had to jump on it.

I had to jump on it really fast.

And it's because, you know, there was one green one left.

I love the fact you've gone from,

you've had an interesting array of family-esque cars of late.

Supercharged Range Rover petrol to dad's your spring.

It's pretty cool.

One day I should do one of those Harry Metcalfe or Lottery Winner style posing with the fleet.

Because actually it would look quite good with the beat of the Metro and the Defender.

Yeah.

It's a range of cars.

There's sort of, there's a good spread of skills there.

I like it.

Mr. Q. Wilson, the late, would be proud, I think.

I hope so.

Yeah.

But yeah, the spring is, for people who don't really know the Dutch's spring,

it is pretty much the cheapest DV that you can buy.

Certainly a list price.

And it's not cack.

It's extremely tinny when you close the doors,

but actually some other bits of it are perfectly good quality.

And actually it's got lots of physical buttons.

May you rest in peace.

Quentin would have said all the appurtenances of gracious living.

By which I mean it's got.

Heating.

Car play cruise control.

Actually weirdly, it's sort of, it's not a long distance car,

but it's got cruise control.

Does it have poo cookers?

It won't have poo cookers, will it?

It does not, no.

And that is the one thing I wish it had,

because I think in an EV particularly they're useful.

The heat is fine.

It's actually better than I remember.

It's got remote locking from a proper old fashioned key

that then you put in a slot in turn.

Oh, lovely.

And it's got a proper old handbrake as well.

Oh, nice.

So there's something quite refreshing about it.

And it's got that Renault Group system

where to disable the speed warning and the lane keep

and all the things that in every car

don't quite work properly and get on your nerves eventually.

You just do that double tap on your personalization button.

I love that.

And it is to your spec, which I absolutely love.

I wish all cars had that.

I also found out, do you know why the Renault

is it has to be a double tap?

It's because those safety systems, it's legally mandated

that there must be a minimum of two presses

to disengage them.

So Renault have just gone, okay,

two taps on the same button, then that's fine.

Yeah, well, and I love that about it

because they've gone, right, everyone thinks it's shit,

but we have to do it to tick a box for Euro NCAP.

So, all right, boom, done.

Hey, I saw a car this morning when I,

I've been a fool this morning, okay?

I can share it with us with you.

Fool, how dare you enter my kingdom to find me?

But what I did was got in the car to do the school run

and without really checking how much electric range I have.

And we won't talk about EVs for too long,

but because the main part of the story is such that

I knew I had just enough charge to get the kids to school.

And I got to school with one mile of range left.

So it was like, we are absolutely down to nothing now.

But I knew around the corner there was a rapid charger,

but it wasn't free.

And you know me, I'm in my Tesla free van.

So really, I had quiet rage at the fact

I was going to have to pay some money.

I plugged in the audience to vault rapid charge

and it's in McDonald's.

And while I was sat, I only had five minutes of charge

because I didn't need any more.

I just needed to get gone and come back here

and talk to some prick on a podcast.

But while I was there, I noticed the queue

for the drive-through of McDonald's was around the block.

It was huge.

Everyone just sitting there.

And the car that joined the back of the queue

just as I sat there in my Tez was, and I thought of you, Rich.

I hope you don't mind me saying so.

But it was a very heavy breathing P38 Range Rover.

And it was definitely petrol

because it had all of the V8 aftermarket badges

stuck onto every single panel.

And also whoever owned it was clearly a magpie

because it had all these extra stainless steel

embellishments around the window frames.

And it had the side steps.

And it had the gores over the rear light clusters.

And it had old-school 90s bull bar.

It really did look fully jingle.

It probably was also 180 kilos heavier

with all of that stainless on it.

But it was just sat there heavy breathing,

indeed, but being kept on the break.

And I'm just thinking, why don't you just park this stupid dog

and just walk in and get yourself a sausage sandwich

or whatever the hell you're ordering?

But it made me chuckle because it was a proper magpie spec.

I didn't send you the photo from the classic motor show.

And I don't know that you'd have had the time

to get over to that hall

when you were filming your auction stuff.

There was parked next to each other

a really strong mid 90s garage or two car collection.

An immaculate P38 and a fourth gen prelude.

Oh, believe.

Imagine that.

You are a small business baller.

And your wife is the quintessential prelude lady.

You're doing well, I think.

If you'd had those in 1996.

Yeah, that's really cool, actually.

It was pretty cool.

I'll put the picture on our Patreon,

but it was quite a delight to see.

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Drinking and driving is a decision

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Getting into a crash is another way

your world could be irreversibly changed

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Your vehicle may not be the only thing

that gets damaged in that crash.

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But you're not the only one who could face those consequences.

Your decision to drink and drive

could permanently change someone else's world,

whether you injure them or leave their loved ones grieving.

The next time you're out drinking, call a rideshare,

a taxi, a sober friend, or a designated sober driver.

Always plan for a safe ride home.

The only decision that'll change your world for the better

is the decision to call for a sober ride.

It's never worth it to drive drunk.

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See, that whole, we haven't really talked about it,

but the whole classic motor show, I haven't been for years.

It's enormous, isn't it?

It was, it's enormous, but it's sort of,

I think the last time I went, which God,

must be maybe not 10 years ago, but six or seven,

definitely pre-COVID.

I seem to remember that it sort of felt a bit sad

in that the halls felt sort of underpopulated.

Oh, really?

And quite dimly lit in places.

And the, a lot of the stands as much as they were

were basically sort of, it was like

three Rover 800s parked in front of a club logo printed

on a banner that had just been laid on the floor.

And it all felt quite low spec.

Now, it's packed, it's really vibrant.

There's some of the stands are sort of quite impressive

for what is essentially, you know,

kind of just groups of like-minded people.

You know, they're not, they're not big organizations.

Oh, it's amazing.

But there was some fantastic stuff to see

and some really beautifully presented stuff as well.

It was great.

It's the busiest car show I think that I attend.

And I go most years.

I only went this year for the auction preview

and I couldn't make it the other one.

But I mean, I know it makes me sound more important

than what I really am.

And that's not the point of what I'm saying.

But when I go there, I get mobbed.

I can't, there's absolutely no way of having a poo or a wee.

And then there's, it's lovely.

It's good you went straight to that.

Well, because those are the basics.

There's so many people that just want to chat.

And do you know what it is?

It's refreshing because it means that the industry's in rude health

and that people are enthusiastic about old cars.

What it really is, I think, is it's like a comic-con for old rotten shit.

But I kind of like that about it.

And I've noticed the demographic is broadening.

It used to be mostly what people would say,

a bearded old auto-jumple folk.

And nowadays, it's not just that.

It's more the Festival of the Unexceptional

right up to the retired age group.

And I love that about it, I think, and long may it continue.

I went on the Friday and I think it was probably an older demographic.

I did notice a few younger people there.

And actually when I was leaving, there were a whole load of people,

I would guess, in their 20s just on their way out as well.

But then I was talking to someone about this

and they said actually over the weekend, it was a younger crowd.

Obviously Friday is a lot of older people

because they're retired and they can take Friday off.

Because Friday's the day.

Well, that's the thing.

But I also thought, oh great, going on the Friday,

it'll be quieter, but it was still really busy,

which is good, more power to them.

I was in, I got a hotel room the night before

because I was in Birmingham on something else the day before.

So I was driving a Changang Deepow SO7.

Of course you were.

Changang.

Yeah.

Changang, a new Chinese car company to Britain,

but they are not new at all.

They trace their roots back to the middle of the 19th century

and an ammunition and weapons manufacturer,

in case you're wondering.

Oh, fantastic.

They are very much not new.

They've been making cars since the 80s.

And they've had an engineering centre in the UK since 2010.

Since 2010.

But they're only starting to sell cars here.

They based in Birmingham.

Well, they are now.

In 2010, they opened a small R&D centre,

basically in Nottingham.

Oh, okay.

They're interesting because they have been going for a while

and at the turn of the century,

they decided they wanted to open a design studio outside of China.

And as they looked around and went,

right, who's good at designing cars?

Oh, Italy.

So they opened a design studio in Turin and it's still there.

And then in the 2000s, they were like,

right, we need to get better at engines.

Where's good at engineering for cars?

Yeah.

Britain's got a really good experience and expertise.

So they opened this R&D place in Nottingham.

And then laterally, it's moved to just near Birmingham Airport.

And it's still there.

And they do internal combustion engines.

But the car they started selling here is electric.

They are doing some electric stuff.

Also, I noticed they've got a fuel cell research lab there as well.

So they're quite a proper operation.

It's just no one's heard of them.

Yeah, that's interesting.

That is the cars all right.

But I think the car is just the start.

Right.

They're quite proud of the fact they move at inverted commas,

China speed.

So the car went on sale in China two years ago,

but set up for Chinese tastes,

which tend to fable sort of softer suspension.

Chinese customers don't mind really aggressive ADAS systems,

apparently, and lots of beeping and binging.

Don't they?

Apparently not.

And I wonder if this is because actually,

for a lot of people over there,

they've only learned to drive and bought a car in an era

when cars started to have that.

So it's just sort of normal.

Oh, so it's not, it's not irritating.

That's my supposition.

I don't know that for sure,

but it is definitely the case that Chinese consumers

don't mind it so much.

And you think about it and you go,

do you remember that because you had that aura?

The aura cat.

Cat piss thing.

Yeah, but it changed its name, didn't it?

Like halfway through me having it as a long-term test car,

they changed its name from cat to like zero three or something.

But that car, that had really intrusive ADAS, didn't it?

It did.

It tried to yank me into the verge a few times,

and not in a kind of dogging spot way.

It was very, very strange.

I liked a lot about it,

but that those parts were just downright dangerous.

And the MG4, again,

Chinese designed predominantly and built car,

that the ADAS in that is a bit over sensitive, I found.

But that's the thing,

it's just that sort of Chinese calibration.

And so they brought some of these SO7s over

to Birmingham.

And in the matter of a few months,

they completely recalibrated the suspension in all the systems.

And that's the car that they're now just putting on sale.

So they've done a fairly quick sort of euroization job.

And for the most part, it's worked.

It's, I've written about it for Sunday times,

I've said this as a car to drive, it's fine.

And that's sort of damning it with fame praise,

but it is, it's absolutely fine.

And it'll let you, like on a country road,

it'll let you sort of take a racing line across a white line

without yanking at the wheel until you go into a hedge.

Well, that is good.

So I think their recalibration has been pretty successful.

But yeah, so I was in Birmingham to drive that

and to review it for the times.

And so I thought, I'll just get a premiere in

for the night rather than drive home

and then drive back to Birmingham first thing.

In the bar of that hotel that night,

obviously there were lots of people.

I think there was probably one woman in there

who wasn't working in the pub, lots of men.

And I think I was the only one in there without gray hair.

Okay, yeah.

But that's because it's a Thursday night.

I was editing a podcast.

Funny enough, I found myself a seat in the corner

and I got a pint, I ordered some food

and I was editing one of our shows.

But every time I took my headphones out.

No, you weren't.

You're just listening to a bit of Meridian.

Well, I did that as well, obviously.

Every time I took my headphones out,

all I could hear in the chatter from around me was,

well, yeah.

And so, yeah, just had to just reject the carbs.

And well, I mean, that's the right thing.

There's the bushes, the bushes had all gone.

And it was just, it was a total car chat,

which was brilliant.

Because it just could go, oh, these are my people.

I've got totally, I could understand the language

that's being spoken here.

And but yeah, it was definitely an older crowd.

But it's a Thursday night.

Most people have jobs.

So it's only, I guess, if you're retired,

that you can afford to do that.

But apparently, yeah, over the weekend,

the show was much younger.

But it was great.

I had to leave because I thought, well, it'd be fine.

I'd kind of need to chip out of there

about four o'clock to get home.

I thought that'd be fine.

That's plenty of time.

I was in there at 10.

No.

No, I was really annoyed.

I was like, shite, I wish I'd planned to be here

until it shut.

Can't do it in a day, unless you start really early.

It was so good.

There were so many lovely things.

I don't know where to begin.

It was just amazing.

So thank you.

I wasn't mobs, by the way.

I could urinate out of my leisure.

But thank you to the Smiths and Stiff listeners

who did come over at various points during the day.

Just say hi.

It's a great vibe.

It was a really great vibe.

It's, I've regretted the fact that I haven't been

for a few years, but I'll definitely go back next year.

Because next year, I think it's grand day.

We're going to display some cars next year,

I reckon, Rich, you and I.

Oh.

I reckon.

Yes.

We're just going to put them in there on setup day.

What?

We're just, yeah.

What do you have in mind?

The eagle?

The eagle will be on the button, as she always is.

But I'm thinking, I mean, it's going to be the year of the,

I'm going to just put this out there.

It's going to be the year of the Allegro, for me.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's in the Chinese calendar.

I don't know if you're aware.

But the year of the Allegro is a thing.

You've got the rat and the sheep,

but obviously the Allegro as well.

So that's going to be a thing.

Potentially run shows.

But almost certainly some other stuff.

And you've obviously got two worthy vehicles of small size,

which I think you can definitely enter into the space.

Well, that's it.

I mean, the Metro will be up and running.

Oh, hello to a lovely chap who came over and said hi

at the classic show, who has a Metro Turbo,

pretty much identical to mine.

It's the same color.

It's also quite low mileage.

It looks mega.

In fact, he's got a really nice collection of cars generally.

But yeah, he just came over to do the secret Metro Turbo handshake.

Isn't it when you were just saying about a car manufacturer

that also used to make firearms or still makes firearms?

That's the case over many years, isn't it?

BSA, Birmingham Small Arms Company,

who made guns, bicycles, motorbikes,

and then a few little cars here and there.

Royal Enfield, they made firearms, I'm sure.

And motorbikes, so it's not a new thing, is it?

It's a lot of shared engineering going on there.

Skoda, for sure.

Maker of weapons, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, so two things I wanted to mention

that I didn't mention last week,

that I sort of meant to and I didn't.

One of them was a friend of ours who listens to,

I don't know for why he listens to this podcast,

but he does, who I've worked with over the years, Mark Riccione.

He said, did you know that there's been a lot of storms named Brian?

It isn't just the most recent storm Brian.

And I said, I wasn't aware of numerous Brian storms,

but apparently there are.

So, so, he's telling me this, so the name,

so according to research, according to research,

according to research, the name Brian has been used

for three tropical cyclones in the Western Pacific Ocean,

and for one in the Australian region of the Southern Indian Ocean.

So in the Western Pacific, Typhoon Brian came around in 1989.

A destructive and deadly typhoon that made a landfall on Hainan and later Vietnam.

In 1992, exactly the same name, Typhoon Brian, caused minor damage in Guam.

And then in 1995, so 30 years ago, tropical storm Brian, official name,

was not a threat to any land.

And then in 19... Oh, this one is the earlier one.

In 1980, there was one called Cyclone Brian in Australia.

Why have there been so many Brian storms?

I just don't know. I just don't understand it.

They cycle through the alphabet, don't they?

And they alternate male and female names for storms.

Every time they get to be, they can't think of any other male names every other year.

But you just think they'd go, well, we've already had a couple of tropical

Brian's. Let's not... Yeah.

Bruce. Yeah.

Bill.

Yeah. Bobby.

Anyway, let's probably...

Bruno.

Brian Storm's also an Arctic monkey song.

Exactly. It's a fantastic song. I absolutely love Brian Storm.

So there's that.

And the other thing I wanted to talk about was the fact that, you know,

I was in Malta a couple of weeks ago.

I didn't really get a chance to talk about Malty's car culture.

And can I just say, I'm probably late to this party,

but Malta's a very interesting place, besides being the most bombed place

during the Second World War, which came as a bit of a shock.

It was the factually the most bombed place.

And you think about how much bombing and general destruction was going on.

Malta got it hard because it was tactical.

But so much of it has seemingly survived.

But also, if you're into cars and motorbikes, it really is quite a rich vein.

So I think it's possibly...

I'm just going to quietly slip this out there and say that if you're looking to go on holiday,

and the tourist board's not paying me to say this,

if you're looking to go on holiday, it really does tick a lot of boxes.

Mediterranean, yes.

Good food and drink, yes.

Obviously an island.

So if you like the sea, nautical stuff and swimming, great.

Me being a captain these days, I appreciate that more and more.

But also, they used to...

You know this, they used to build cars and motorbikes over there when it was kind of...

Is it under British rule?

I don't want to...

Might not be the right terminology, but...

Uh-oh, yeah.

We've suddenly got into choppy Mediterranean wars, is it?

What is this thing?

We were friends, that the British were friends, they were friendly.

And there still are, but they used to build a lot of machinery over there.

And there was an organisation set up in 1960, known as the Car Assembly Limited.

And basically this purpose-built plant was to build knockdown kits, CKD,

kits of mostly British machines, and so many triumphs that the Herald was the first car

built out there.

But they made loads and loads of cars like Spitfires and Hillman's Hunters.

There's loads of hunters, you see quite a lot of hunters.

Still?

Still, yeah, yeah.

You see Morris Mariners, you see loads of alphas,

because I think they built them again with knockdown kits from Italy as well.

You see Austins and Rovers.

It's lovely, because I've never seen so many triumphs.

I saw stags, like multiple stags, with an apostrophe S, probably.

And it was stags.

Stags, I saw loads of stags, and they looked so good out there.

Malta's not a massive place.

No.

Why make cars there?

Was there some kind of swinging import tax on them?

That is a very, very good point, because there are a lot, I mean,

we think that the UK is saturated with cars for the size of the landmass.

Malta's another level.

I think they made minis there, didn't they?

They did make minis there.

They're massively into their minis.

I saw so many in the Malta Classic.

And what I would say is, if you get a chance to go next year or beyond,

the Malta Classic is a great way to weave in a little holiday break

that's also got some car material, because you've got the combo of a hill climb,

a concor, and then a two-day street GP thing.

But you also, everyone brings their cars out on a weekend.

So for people like my son, Wes, he loved seeing people rinsing Lamborghinis

around in second gear and Shelby Mustangs and things.

But also you get to see really neat little Alfas and Triumph TR6s and that kind of thing.

And some really well-sorted hill climb stuff.

They love a bit of hill climb, the Maltese.

They love it.

I bloody love a bit of hill climb.

I reckon as I get older, I'm going to get more hill climb me.

I've never been to Malta ever.

And my family went when I was a teenager.

And I cried off.

Maltese home alone.

Yeah, because it was Easter just before my A-levels.

And I said, oh, I can't go on holiday because I've got to revise.

And they left me home alone.

Oh, no.

I think that was the week when, most other things,

I had, they'd left the car by my parents' Peugeot 405 estate.

So one day I drove it to Warwickshire.

So I could go and have a snoop around the Rover's Gaiden Proving Ground,

fully intending to sleep the night in the boot of the Peugeot.

So that I could stay up late for hoping to catch some top-secret cars

night-testing on the roads.

Are you sleuth?

In the end, I got so bored during the daytime that I decided to go home.

Got so bored.

Yeah.

Well, you know, Hans Lehmann, the legendary spy photographer from the 80s and 90s,

always used to say that his greatest weapon was his resistance to boredom.

He just, he was able to sort of go into a state where he could just sit in a tree

for like three days straight until he got a blurry photo of a Kaliber or something.

I just clearly don't have that capacity.

I was just like, I'm not seeing anything.

I'm so bored.

I'm just going to go home again.

I mean, I did see a few bits and pieces that were quite intriguing,

but it was just nothing that was sort of like absolutely got my spidey senses tinkling.

So I drove home again and I never told my parents until, but they worked it out.

Because my mum said to me, it's like, I said, how did you get on week on your own?

You managed to feed yourself and all that.

And I said, yeah, yeah, you know, I had to get the supermarket and get a few things.

It's quite expensive.

And yeah, petrol's really expensive, isn't it?

And she was thinking, and she only told me this later.

She was like, the car had a pretty much full tank.

Why would he need to buy petrol?

And so later my mum and dad both went,

Richard, why did you put petrol in the car?

There was petrol in there.

Where did you drive to?

And I had to go, I drove to the Midlands.

I lied and said I drove to Birmingham University to have a look at it,

because I was thinking of applying.

Can you imagine?

I was going to say, can you imagine it's the sort of spotty Virgin's Ferris Pulas day off?

How did you know I was a spotty Virgin?

Oh, yeah.

It's like, hey, did you invite all your mates around and put loud music on?

And they let like, just spin around in Dad's car.

Yes or no?

What I did was...

I, yeah, I did have some mates over there, like two or three,

because I was like, this must not turn into a house party,

because I've seen what happens at house parties around that time.

So no, that's not going on.

But how did we get on this?

Oh, no, so I moved into multiple.

My parents did, and my brother did, and they stayed at a hotel

where they were warned that Colonel Gaddafi, then still in charge in Libya,

had a private suite on the top floor of this hotel.

And if he suddenly decided that he fancied a quick holiday in Malta,

the rest of the hotel had to be emptied.

What?

And so, yeah, if that happened, they would be shuttled to another hotel.

No.

Oh, that's not in the brochure, is it?

Bloody hell.

I...

You're the one who could face those consequences.

Your decision to drink and drive could permanently change someone else's world,

whether you injure them or leave their loved ones grieving.

The next time you're out drinking, call a rideshare, a taxi,

a sober friend, or a designated sober driver.

Always plan for a safe ride home.

The only decision that'll change your world for the better

is the decision to call for a sober ride.

It's never worth it to drive drunk.

Don't risk it.

Drive sober or get pulled over, paid for by NHTSA.

Academy

The other thing that I loved about Maltese vehicle culture

is there's that mash-up of British stuff from yesteryear,

but they also love a JDM.

They love a Japanese import, and there were lots of small,

small Japanese cars, some of which I wasn't familiar with the names of,

and they were all rubbing shoulders on the road, and it was great.

Loved, loved, loved, loved seeing, seeing all of that stuff.

And the other thing that made me think of 60s person was,

do you know what, there's a lot of emulter, apart from skin damage and old money.

Don't say that, because that's, yes, that's not...

There are Maltese people.

There's a lot of catacombs, and I think that's a word that only a 60s person would regale.

No one else talks about catacombs.

Catacombs, yes.

What differentiates a catacomb from a cave?

I think it's, a catacomb is a man-made underground passage, I think.

Which was, it's carved in, and I think mostly used for religious rituals and perhaps burials,

but I might not be...

I see.

I think they're the Romans.

Man-made, that's the distinction, I suppose.

Yeah, so, but of course there's a lot of touristic catacombs in Malta.

So, the more you keep saying the word catacombs, the weirder it sounds to me.

I started to just sit there and talk to myself in 60s person language.

Because I was envisaging, you know, you're driving around in,

we were just, we went and we were driving spiritedly around in, in Brian's Triumph Mayflower.

And it was just so lovely, we'd all been bathing by the sea.

I'd gashed my leg slightly on the rocks, but it wasn't too bad.

I'd rubbed a little bit of lannilyl on it.

And then we went to St Paul's catacombs.

I must tell you, it was a very spiritual experience.

We, in fact, we were naughty.

We took a bottle of wine and a rug with some food and a picnic.

And we stayed there and the guards locked us in because we were hiding.

And we spent the whole evening in the catacomb.

And it was one of those things where I didn't go to a catacomb,

but I saw lots of signs for the catacombs.

So, spoiler alert, got no idea what the catacombs are like.

But I did see a lot of...

No, it's good.

It's good because we don't have to go back.

The story's tailed off a little bit now with your lack of catacomb curiosity.

But isn't it a good... I can imagine it being a name of a car.

It's probably a middle-aged General Motors product.

Do you not think?

Yes, I suppose it could be.

I'm thinking it could be.

Would it be a Buick?

Because they didn't Buick a catacomb.

Because they do an enclave, don't they?

Isn't it an enclave?

They do, yes.

The enclave.

What's the dictionary definition of an enclave?

That's a sort of cave-y thing, isn't it?

Shall I look this up?

I'm going to delve into an actual dictionary.

Oh, no.

See, look, an enclave, according to this,

is a portion of territory surrounded by a larger territory,

whose inhabitants are culturally or ethnically distinct.

I think I'm sort of getting it mixed up with a grotto.

Yeah.

I can't hear grotto without thinking about my old friend,

Welsh Mike, who once said something about a grotto,

but he's from Flanethli,

so a grotto in a South-Walien accent

is two very distinct syllables.

Grotto.

Oh, yes.

Grotto, isn't it?

Yeah, do you think that would be...

Who would have made a grotto in the estuary?

Which manufacturer?

Oh, I don't know.

The Austin Grotto?

No, with a bigger, a posher version of the Austin.

Would it be a Wallsley?

A Wallsley grotto, yes.

Wouldn't it?

And no one bought it.

But then also, for some reason,

a chap who is a, like, renowned expert

in the Triumph TR owners' club

might be someone called Bob Grotto.

He was at the classic car event just a few weekends ago.

Yeah, he was handing out leaflets.

Do you know what I was thinking?

I know we've talked about, bless his heart,

Quentin Wilson in the Ottersort.

If you haven't listened to that one, listeners,

it was so relevant him passing away on the weekend

of the biggest classic car show of the year in the UK.

Because...

I hadn't thought about that.

It was the first thing I thought of

because I was getting a bit of FOMO that I wasn't there

and I knew how busy and vibrant it was.

But I was also thinking, you know,

he's like one of the, sort of, like,

godfathers of that show.

When I used to go, I'd regularly see him there,

either in a working capacity or just slinking around.

And I remember vividly once I was at one of them

and I said to him, I said,

what's... you've been here all morning,

you've had a couple of coffees,

what's properly caught your eye?

And he leaned in and talked out the corner of his mouth

in that way that he always was good at.

And he went AC 427.

Johnny, there's very few cars more attractive.

And he pointed across the room to this AC...

I think it was an AC 427.

It's just called that, isn't it?

It's a big grand tour of a thing.

They only made, like, 25 of them ever.

Is it...

There's the 428 is the one that's got the...

Oh, sorry.

Like, through a body, an Italian-designed body.

That's the one.

Sorry, it's the 428.

I knew it was...

I keep getting mixed up because of the engine.

But yes, it was a 428 and he said, I'd love one.

I said, have you ever owned one?

He went, no, I'd love to own one.

He really...

That was one of the cars that he was still like,

I'm still yet to tick that one off the list.

They're quite an interesting prospect, aren't they?

Because they kind of got that very Italian look of the time.

Yeah.

Sort of a little bit like a Maserati Mistral or something.

Yes.

But then with this thumping great Ford V8 in it.

Yeah, which is a great combo.

Are they sought after?

I suppose because they didn't make many.

They probably are quite strong money.

Well, they're not...

They're not as strong as they probably would be

if they had a better known badge.

If they had perhaps an Aston badge and that many were made,

although I say that right now,

the DB6 went through an auction for 60 grand,

a running, driving, not destroyed DB6 or for 60K.

How the mighty have formed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

We need another Bond film to bolster it.

Did you see that sort of fuss that was happening

on social media last week?

Because some outlets somewhere had quoted insiders,

as people sometimes do when they're just making shit up,

but claiming that the producers of the next Bond film

are all tied in knots trying to work out how to...

Spoiler alert, if you haven't seen No Time to Die,

well, what are you doing?

It's been out for ages.

Yes.

But obviously...

That was a fun day, wasn't it, for you and I?

Yes.

The Bond expires at the end of that.

So they do this conundrum about how to be a brag.

But then I saw lots of people on social media

being very, very mocking about it and going,

yes, how on earth will you resolve this problem

in that incredibly realistic James Bond universe

where he's been like five different people

who all look different.

You go, yeah.

I think the next Bond should be AI Bond

because obviously Secret Service will probably use that.

And it should be an amalgamation of Connery,

Moore, Lazenby, Timothy, Dalton, Piers Brosnan

with the amazing expression and pleated trousers

that we've talked about many a time.

You should put all of that into AI

and say, I want the Bond to have all of its features.

All of those guys' features, please.

Thank you.

And Daniel Craig as well, so that's what I'd like.

Really?

Yeah.

So I'd like, no, I don't want that.

But imagine it would be the stature of Daniel Craig

but the sort of slightly pathetic karate chop

fighting of Roger Moore.

He's really hard, but he's not really using his hardness.

He's just being a bit token with it.

I'd call it.

No, you know how I feel about that.

I went to the AI thing, same as you.

I went to a thing where John Hodge,

Danny Boyle's regular screenwriter collaborator

was doing a Q&A and he wrote the original script

for No Time to Die and then there was a falling out

Danny Boyle left the project as director.

The film got rewritten.

So I said, given what happened at the end of the last Bond film,

how would you bring Bond back?

And he just went brazenly, which I thought was quite a good answer.

Just almost like ignore what's happened.

Just go, no, it's just a new film.

We're not going to get bogged down,

trying to come up with some contrived explanation

because it doesn't make any sense.

Like it's already nonsense.

James Bond was once in the 60s

and then suddenly he's in every decade since.

But it's like saying, why hasn't Bart Simpson

ever grown up or maggot?

Yeah.

I think it's called willing suspension of disbelief.

It's a fairly well-known thing.

Okay.

We're okay.

I wouldn't overthink it.

But anyway, obviously we could talk about this all day,

but I'd like to move on to dogging, if I may.

Oh, please talk about dogging.

Well, we mentioned it last week

and particularly car-related accidental dogging.

And people have been in touch, of course.

I was just going to read a couple of the highlights.

One listener called Simon, who he said,

you asked for car-related accidental dogging brackets,

crad.

We don't need that to catch on.

Here we go.

He said, I used to be a hobbyist car photographer

taking photos of friends' car for fun and the challenge.

Twelve years ago, my friend, John,

had just bought a Mazda CX-5

and wanted some pictures of it.

I decided light painting would be a good thing to do.

The technique where you do a long exposure

and walk around the car with a light source

to paint with light.

You see a light sword?

Light source.

Oh.

Although I suppose a light sword might work.

Simon says to do light painting,

it needs to be very dark.

I gave my friend the mission of finding

a quiet country car park away from street lights

and a bit out of the way.

Well, you can guess where we're heading.

Oh, no.

So they found a spot,

but Simon says when we got there,

there were a couple of cars already parked.

I got out of torch to scout a good place to put his Mazda.

Weirdly, the two other cars

quite quickly drove off.

About 30 minutes later, I'm off a bank

directing John who is holding the light

and telling him where to walk around.

A white Audi TT pulls up and sits for a few minutes.

Shortly afterwards, the single male occupant

comes over and says hello.

We were busy with the photos

and I think it took him about 20 seconds

to clock the camera

and realised we were there for a different purpose.

Without warning, he emulated a Le Mans race start

as he suddenly sprinted back to his car

and wheel span at high revs out of the car park

never to be seen again.

A wheel span?

Oh, God.

It wasn't until I got home and did some research

that I realised where we were.

Basing Stoke Limepit,

which apparently is a famous dogging site.

The gates are now locked at 8pm

due to antisocial behaviour.

Oh, my God.

Well, it's not antisocial necessarily.

It's a little bit too social.

Well, too much social.

Simon's attached a couple of pictures

that he took of the Mazda CX-5 on that fateful night.

I've actually never seen a CX-5 look so good.

They're very impressive.

A listener called Luke has actually had an experience

of Tog Hill, the area near Bath Bath

that someone wrote in about last week.

He said it was Valentine's Day 2021.

I'd been stuck inside for varying amounts

the previous year.

Decided to take my partner on a nice picnic,

driving my now dead B&W E46

323 I Saloon.

Pre-facelift in steel blue.

Nice.

Good details.

Thanks, Luke.

Completely unaware that Tog Hill

was the epicentre of the southwestern dogging community,

we parked up and began to enjoy our sandwiches

and take in the view.

Soon, my partner noticed that a gentleman

in an adjacent car, a Skoda Octavia,

was making serious eye contact with both of us.

Oh, no.

My partner's reaction was to gesture.

What?

And when he didn't stop staring,

she gave him a two-finger salute.

Sadly, this only seemed to spur him on.

As he reversed his car and instead of leaving,

as we assumed he would, he parked next to us.

Still not realizing we were occupying car shagging ground zero,

I briskly moved to the other,

more secluded part of the car park.

Oh, no.

In our minds, this clearly communicated

that we didn't want to be involved in whatever was going on.

I now realized that in his mind,

this was effectively giving the go-ahead.

No.

It was only after the gentleman

followed us to the second location

that my partner realized what was going on

and turned to me with a look of abject horror,

suggesting with some urgency,

he thinks we're fucking dogging people.

I backed out and made headway for the exits.

Checking my mirrors, I saw to my dismay

the Octavia sex pest was reversing to follow us.

No way.

Even for doggers, I thought this was a bit strong.

No, the dogging etiquette's not the problem.

A creamy, smooth BMW straight six

urged the south of the car park,

and my tyres chirped between first and second.

You know you're pressing on

when you can get some chirpage on the move.

Yes, I like a chirp, yeah.

Luke says,

I've never driven more urgently in my life.

Thankfully, somewhere between Tog Hill and Deer and Park,

we managed to shake him off.

Fuck's sake.

That's actually, that's a bit of road to go

before you've lost a man,

and a roused man in an Octavia.

Well, listen, look, Rich,

would it be rude to not just finish

on a hat trick of dogging?

There's one other dogging letter

we've had from a listener,

which I think we should add to those

previously mentioned dogging letters.

We've got a bit, we've got enough time to do it.

Come on.

Go on.

Well, this is from a listener called Peter.

Now, names protected to protect the guilty,

but one that happened to my pal Colin

in inverted commas last year.

My mate Colin is an extremely keen bird watcher.

We're talking PhD in ornithology, levels of commitment.

The man can identify a bird from a single feather,

a brief fart in the undergrowth,

or the passing of a shadow.

Last summer, he decided to head out to a local heath

at dusk to look for night jars.

Now, knowing that going out alone

to stand silently in the woods at night

might raise eyebrows at home,

Colin pitched it to his wife, Janet,

as a lovely evening out.

Hey, we're just going to pop to the countryside,

have a nice pub dinner,

and I'll just have a quick look for some night jars

on the way home.

Night jars just sounds like going to the pub in the evening.

This already sounds suspicious,

but Janet, who wouldn't know a night jar from a jiggy nugget,

agreed on one condition.

She wasn't setting foot in the woods.

You go to your twitchy thing, she says.

I'll stay in the car where it's warm

and it's free from spiders.

So off they went.

It was the perfect evening, warm still,

with that soft dusk light that makes murders go misty-eyed.

Colin pulled into a quiet car park near the heath.

A couple of other cars were there,

but nothing out of the ordinary.

He grabbed his binoculars,

gave Janet a reassuring smile,

and strode off towards the trees.

As he went, he noticed a bloke sitting alone in a nearby car.

Their eyes met.

The man gave Colin a subtle nod,

that silent gesture of mutual recognition

between men of a certain age and of a certain hobby.

Colin naturally assumed it was a bird's nod,

a twitch's nod.

This was not a bird's nod.

In fact, it was the dog's nod.

So while Colin disappeared into the bushes,

binoculars at the ready,

the other chap took this as his cue to get out of his car

and remove his trousers,

ready for what he thought was...

Ready for what he thought was about to be

a very different kind of wildlife encounter.

Unfortunately though,

Janet, sitting patiently in their car,

waiting for Colin to finish his bird-watching,

was the first person to see this unfold.

There was a lot of shouting,

some very rapid trouser retrieval,

and Janet, bless her.

And Janet, bless her,

was seconds away from defending her marital honour

with the screwdriver kept in the driver's side door pocket.

Colin returned 10 minutes later,

absolutely thrilled to have heard a male nightjar churring.

Janet was less thrilled to have nearly stabbed a dogger.

Colin doesn't nod at other men in car parks anymore.

Cheers, Pete.

Pete?

Wow.

What a great accidental dogging letter.

Really enjoyed that one.

What?

I don't know what a nightjar looks like.

I think I confused with a nightingale.

Maybe they're related, I don't know.

Anyway, well, thank you for those

and a few other dogging anecdotes.

We may become back to this, maybe we should just move on, I don't know.

Either way, if you've got anything you want to share with us,

it's hello at smithandsniff.com.

We should wrap this up.

Yeah.

Before we do, I have three things to share with you.

The first is that Johnny's engaged in a rather strange project

to follow around the former lead singer of Merillion,

shouting insults about his musical career and personal appearance

in the hope he will lose his temper and attack him.

Under the working title, fish bait.

If that's not to your taste, then there is, of course, the late break show.

Lots of excellent videos on there.

What a lot of moments.

We've got a barn find, is the new one.

And it was one I filmed on one of the hottest days of the year in the summer.

And it's a Volvo P1800ES, so the sexiest state.

It's been in the garage for, we think, 47 years.

So it's, the owner suddenly passed away and the owner was ex-navy

and had a bit of an obsession with keeping both garage and car inside very dry.

Well, it's a badly understood water, I suppose.

That was a thing I think it was all born out of knowing how damaging water can be

and thus keeping it out to all accounts.

He even dug like a miniature motor around the garage to drain everything away.

Bloody hell.

Yeah, bloody hell indeed.

So have a watch of that.

And if you start watching it and you realize, I don't want to watch this.

A, you're mad.

And B, just go back into the back catalogue.

There's many, many other things like a Kia EV4 launch where I maybe

shout a little bit about AI.

I think I was, yeah, I think it caught me on a day where I was feeling particularly vulnerable.

Okay, good.

Second thing I want to tell you is that, you may be aware,

because I've only mentioned it about 40 million times, I have a new book out.

It's a compilation of some of my EVO columns and it's called Petrolhead.

Also features a longer feature in which I drive a Ford RS200,

which is one of the most exciting things I've ever done, I think, in the car world.

It's available from Amazon as an e-book or a paperback.

We can get the paperback from our merchandise shop, smithandsniff.com.

Follow the link.

What? We've got a merchandise shop?

Yes, we do.

There's also hats and t-shirts and mugs.

And we have got some new designs coming very, very soon.

Oh my gosh.

Actually also, we're looking forward to seeing some of you on Wednesday this week,

when we will be doing our live show at Great Northern Classics

in Derby, basically near Nottingham.

And we'll also be selling my books.

I've got hold of a box of my Top Gear book and on that bombshell about my time working

on the show from 2002 until 2015.

And so they're going to be on sale there if you haven't already got that.

So we'll see some of you on Wednesday.

Most importantly, you'll get a chance to see the Eagle Quest.

It will be attending and this will be the last public outing before the exhaust is replaced.

Because I don't think it can handle.

What's a selling point?

I don't think it can handle another long journey with the exhaust in its current state.

Plus the MOT expires in three weeks.

So those two things will happily coincide.

Ah, there we go.

Finally, the thing I wanted to share with you is that you might assume that a horse makes

one horsepower, but not true.

Actually studies show that a big horse could generate up to 24 horsepower.

24.

That's that's more than the two CV.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

All right.

That's quite enough of that.

And we will be back again on Friday with another Ottersot and a regular show on Monday.

Until then, goodbye.

Cheers, mate.

Thanks, mate.

Bye then.

And maybe leave a nice review.

I realize that the dog is not sounds like a pub, not one you'd want to go in.

They absolutely exceeded my expectations to the point where I was like,

I must be a part of this in crowd.

Oh my God, I've never been part of the in crowd before.

Well, you're part of this one.

I'm Tony in crowd.

Wait.

She'll work on that.

You come listen, Tony and Ryan.

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