Car
Volkswagen Derby
The Volkswagen Derby is a small car that was made a long time ago, based on another popular car called the Polo. It's known for being practical and affordable, which made it a good choice for many drivers back in the day.
Car
Eagle Quest
The Eagle Quest is a small SUV made by a brand called Eagle, which was part of Chrysler. It had a unique look and was made in the 1990s.
Term
MOT
MOT is a yearly test in the UK that checks if a car is safe to drive and meets pollution standards. Cars older than three years need to pass this test to be allowed on the road.
Term
aero engine
An aero engine is an engine made for airplanes. It helps the plane fly by providing the power needed to lift it into the sky.
Term
displacement
Displacement is a measurement of how much space the engine's cylinders take up. A bigger displacement usually means the engine can produce more power.
Car
Land Rover Defender
The Land Rover Defender is a tough SUV designed for off-road driving. It's popular for its ability to handle rough conditions and is often used for adventures.
Car
Dacia Spring Electric Cargo
The Dacia Spring is a small electric car that's good for driving around town. It's not very expensive, but it's not meant for long trips.
Term
recall
A recall happens when a car company finds a problem with one of their cars that could be dangerous. They ask owners to bring their cars back to fix the issue for free.
Part
steering rack
The steering rack helps you turn the car when you move the steering wheel. If it has a problem, it can make it hard to steer the car safely.
Car
Sinclair C5
The Sinclair C5 is a small electric vehicle made for city driving. It was created in the 1980s and is quite unique in design.
Car
Citroen C5
The Citroen C5 is a car made by the French company Citroen. It's designed to be comfortable and has some unique features that make it stand out.
Car
Chevrolet C5
Concept
Formula One
Formula One is a type of car racing that happens on tracks around the world. The cars are very fast and use advanced technology to compete.
Car
Peugeot 205
The Peugeot 205 is a small car made by the French company Peugeot. It's known for being easy to drive and is popular in Europe.
Car
GMC Typhoon
The GMC Typhoon is a sporty SUV from the 1990s that was designed to be fast and fun to drive. It's not very common today, but people who like cars often talk about it because it was one of the first SUVs that could really perform like a sports car.
Car
Fiat 500S
The Fiat 500 is a tiny car that's perfect for driving around town. It's cute and easy to park, making it a great choice for people who live in cities and want something small and stylish.
Car
Ford Fiestas
Car
Peugeot 305
The Peugeot 305 is a car made by the French company Peugeot. It was popular in the late 1970s and 1980s and is known for being a good family car.
Car
Ford Focus
The Ford Focus is a small car that many people like because it's easy to drive and has a lot of space inside. It's been around for many years and is known for being reliable.
Car
Fiesta
The Ford Fiesta is a small car that many people like because it's easy to drive and doesn't cost a lot of money.
Brand
Kia
Kia is a car company from South Korea that makes affordable and reliable cars that many people like.
Car
Mercedes-Benz GLS
The Mercedes-Benz GLS is a big, fancy SUV that can fit a lot of people and stuff inside. It's known for being very comfortable and has lots of high-tech features, making it a popular choice for families who want a nice vehicle.
Car
Ford Granada
The Ford Granada is a type of car that Ford made, popular for being comfortable and roomy, especially in the 1970s and 1980s.
Term
T-bar auto shift
A T-bar auto shift is a type of gear shifter in cars that looks like a T and helps you change gears automatically without a clutch.
Term
trim levels
Trim levels are different versions of the same car that have different features. For example, one version might have more luxury options than another.
Car
Ford Cortina
The Ford Cortina is an older family car that many people in the UK used to drive. It's not made anymore, but it was known for being reliable and good for everyday use.
Car
Montego
The Rover Montego is a car that was made in the 1980s and early 1990s. It was designed to be a family car with plenty of space inside, which made it a good option for people with kids.
Car
Bugatti Veyron
The Bugatti Veyron is a super expensive sports car that can go really, really fast. It's famous for being one of the fastest cars you can buy, and people talk about it because of how amazing and luxurious it is.
Term
POA
POA means 'Price on Application'. It’s a way for sellers to say that you need to ask them directly for the price of the car because it’s not listed openly.
Term
two-litre
'Two-litre' means the engine in the car is two liters in size. This can affect how powerful the car is and how much fuel it uses.
Term
vinyl roof
A vinyl roof is a type of covering made from a plastic material that is put on the top of some cars. It looks nice and was popular in older cars.
Term
sunroof
A sunroof is a window in the roof of a car that you can open. It lets in sunlight and fresh air when you drive.
Car
Toyota Supra
The Toyota Supra Mark III is a sports car made by Toyota that was popular in the late 1980s and early 1990s. It's known for being fast and customizable.
Car
BMW M4
The BMW M4 is a fancy sports car that looks great and goes really fast. It's made by BMW, a brand known for making high-quality cars, and people often talk about it because it's fun to drive and has a lot of cool features.
Car
Rolls-Royce Phantom
The Rolls-Royce Phantom is a super luxurious car that many rich people drive. It's known for being extremely comfortable and having a lot of custom features, making it one of the fanciest cars you can buy.
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I just bought my car in Havana and it was so easy. Too easy. Think something's up?
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I'm Richard Porter. I'm Johnny Smith. And this is Smith and Sniff, a podcast in which
two friends talk about cars and many other things live in Derby.
Well, look guys, listen. Here's the situation. Here's the scene. Great northern classics. What an
amazing place that we're dwelling in tonight. Absolutely love it. It is in no particular
order. Great northern and classic. It is. Well, is it northern though? Well, it's Midlandish.
Stuart's inquiry on that. Yeah. There's a reason for the name. I didn't know until today. It's about
great northern train line. Oh, yeah. Because there's train sheds over there, which are still
train sheds. I didn't know that. So it's not strictly north. I don't want to get into it.
It's like a jurisdiction thing. I don't run county lines. I don't know where the
jurisdiction start and end. I don't know what this is about. That means something different now.
Oh, okay. I was on the phone to a mate of mine this morning who's from basically in Derby.
Okay. And I said, oh, we're actually going to be in Derby tonight doing a live show. He doesn't
live here anymore. He lives miles away. So, but he was like, oh, right. And he went, of course,
yeah, the main car connection with Derby is the Derby Bentley. Of course. And I totally
forgotten about that. I was just thinking of Toyota because obviously they still make cars here.
That's right. He said, no, the Derby Bentley, that's a major thing. Yeah. Or was a major thing.
Yeah. And he was trying to tell me about it. But then I just started going on about Edwina Curry
because as soon as I thought of Toyota around here, I suddenly thought of Edwina Curry.
He was, she was the MP around here for ages, wasn't she? And I think she sort of used
to take credit for the Toyota factory. Well, all I know is that this building is steeped in
history. Is it? Yeah. Because Edwina Curry built it. No, nothing to do with Edwina Curry.
Opened it. No. Designed it. No. She may have pissed in it at some point. The thing that,
probably, but not tonight. She had a furtive fumble with John Major behind this building.
Behind one of those huge aero engines. Oh, that's really, yes. Because this used to be owned
by Rowles Royce. Did it? Yes. This did. This is where aero engines were made. And
I'm going to just fumble for my... I turned up late and didn't do my homework. So this is all
genuine news to me, but that's amazing. Well, you're normally the one that educates me. But tonight,
tonight, I'm going to tell you a little bit about the Eagle. Now, you may be aware that the Eagle
Quest is parked outside, majestic that she is. And she arrived here with no less than 17
holes in the middle part of the exhaust. But still wonderfully reliable, although the
MOT expires in six days. That's all right. It does. Still legal. Sort of legal,
legal. As long as you don't stay here for seven days, you're fine. No, no. Let's have a hideous
industrial accident and I'll leave it out of the front, but I won't. You're arm-trapped
in one of the old jet engines. There is strong Eagle chemistry in this building. Okay.
Okay. Big Eagle energy. There is big, there is big, there is big energy because,
because when I pulled up, there was an Alvis, a drop head Alvis next to where the Eagle was
originally parked. And it had a huge Eagle on the bonnet. I was like, I was getting Eagle envy.
And then, if that wasn't impressively enough, when I started to have a little tour of the
place earlier with Alex, I was told that this old building used to make the very first Rolls-Royce
Aero engine, which was called the Eagle, real Eagle. Yes. It was called the Eagle and it went
into the above. Yeah. The first aircraft engine from 1915, right? And this was made to meet
world war one requirements for the military. Okay. Do you know, I've been told very strictly
and sternly by my wife to stop doing that thing where every W sound has a wha. Oh, really? Yeah.
Your wife, she finds it, what's the opposite of erotic? Repellent? Yes. Repellent. Coxe
rivulet? Deeply repellent. Well, the lady version. Yes. But yes, they made another engine called
the Eagle, the Eagle XX11, which is Roman emeralds, is that 21? Oh, XX11? Yeah, XXII.
And the Eagle XXII, right, was a 24 cylinder sleeve valve aero engine of 46 litres displacement
with two cranks, 3200 horsepower, and they made 50 of them, but they never fitted them
into a production fighter plane because the new kid in town, the jet, came along. It had two
cranks. It had two cranks. It was an H shaped H configuration engine. Yeah. There you go.
Just thought I'd do a bit of education before we start talking about like coxswain. So anyway,
the thing I don't like about Queen of Courage is she looks like the kind of woman who'd come
round and complain to you personally when you were having a bonfire.
And I just can't, I can't get on with that. No. No. Also, she shagged John Major.
And that's so disrespectful to Norma Major that I can't, I can't be doing that. Yeah.
Anyway, sorry. So I came here a little bit late.
She's the kind of woman who would like give you boots vouchers for Christmas.
What's wrong with that? I actually quite like boots vouchers. You can't get fun stuff in boots
when you're seven. Do you remember the boots? Not in a small boot, maybe in a big boot, but
the boots advantage card, was it? Yes. It still exists, I think. Yeah. One year, I bought all
my Christmas presents using my advantage points. So if it didn't exist in boots, you weren't
getting it. If it, if it wasn't an old spice shaving set. Yeah. And your mum was delighted
with that. Thanks John. It's so thoughtful. Bloody loved it. Bloody loved it. It smells like someone's
grandad now. Yeah. What was I saying? I don't know. You were talking about Edwina Curry.
She's haunting me now. No, I came up here late, which is why I didn't know about eagle engines
and things, because I didn't have time. But I came up in my Land Rover Defender, which is
downstairs. She reversed into the pantry. Reversed into the pantry and it's going to live
here tonight. So I can have some, she's not here. So I'm going to say it's white white.
And that was because, because people at Great Northern Classics had said, we can put
one of your cars on display downstairs. And I thought, oh, I should bring a car people might
want to look at. Because if you've heard the podcast is out at the moment, you might know.
Maybe not. I mean, why would you? I've just got a dacha spring electric car. It's fantastic,
except for one thing. Because I thought, I'm going to take my spring to Derby. It'll probably
necessitate a charge on the way. It's not really a long distance car. It's not meant for that. But
I was like, you know, when you get a new toy, you just want to say, am I just going the
spring? It'd be jolly. I'll go cross country. And then I realized it was going to be on
display. And I was like, people don't really want to see a small Chinese made Romanian electric car
in Great Northern Classics getting ahead of itself there. It's not a classic yet. I'll take the
defender. But the other reason that I realized I probably had to bring the Land Rover is that
just last night, I happened upon a post from the dacha spring Facebook group. Oh, yeah,
I'm spring people now. Are you are you really you're on the Facebook? I actually joined
it months ago when I was keen to know what people were making of their springs.
I'm an interesting guy. I can't, I, I, I've never been on Facebook.
Well, I don't understand the layout of it. So I just left. I don't get it. Basically,
at the side, a list of people you worked with 17 years ago. And then in the middle,
your uncle being disappointingly racist. Because they've opened a new Chinese takeaway
in town. Right, okay, right. If you don't go searching around, you'll find the dacha spring
Facebook group. In fact, there are two. There's like, it's like the Judean people's front,
the people's front of Judea. No, seriously. And just this week, somebody in like,
the people's front of dacha spring has gone. Why aren't people members of this group and put a link
to the dacha spring people's front? There's a civil exactly letter. There's a,
there's a civil war brewing in spring land. But I happened to see a post last night
from someone in one of the, the, the, the, the breakaway faction or the original group.
It's all of a flatter, basically, because a few people have had letters through
saying there's a recall on their springs. And it's a stop driving recall. You immediately
hand in your keys. They will come and take your car. They will give you a courtesy car
because there is a problem with the steering rack and it needs to be replaced. This is a safety
critical problem. I was looking at this going, oh, that's a worry. But look, it seems to be
people who've maybe got slightly older springs. I'm sure it'll be fine. But then the people
saying, yeah, the letter came through. They send it recorded delivery to make sure they know
you've got it because it's safety critical. And suddenly I remembered that when I got home
last night, there was one of those little red chips from the postman saying, I tried to
deliver a recorded letter and you weren't here. So I've kept it and I'll send, I'll try it another
time. I was thinking, I haven't ordered anything recorded delivery. I think it's a letter
telling me that my Dutch of spring needs to have its steering rack replaced.
I do not drive it to Derby. You might be killed. So I've come in my defender.
You should have come in your, just for reference for people who aren't in the room
and are just listening with their ears. There are some cars next to us, some vehicles next to us.
There's an Armstrong Sidler to Richard's left, my left, and a Citroen, not a Citroen,
C5, a Sinclair C5. Easily confused, the Sinclair C5 or the Citroen C5. Absolutely.
And I've got a Sunbeam motorcycle behind me and a Norton and then
Chodyshift is Formula One car. Genuinely. Genuinely right next to the audio guy,
which is a beautiful sweet, sweet example of the first Formula Mark, a really pretty car.
Have you noticed it's got sitting pads on the air intakes? Oh, I think they're booster
cushions for children. When you do the Formula One commute with kids. It's a sweet, sweet looking
thing. And there's a couple of aero engines. There's all sorts behind. There's a dimmer.
Is that a dimmer body kitted 205? Oh, yes. I think it is, yeah. In purple. D-I-M-M-A. Yeah.
Dimmer. It might be the car from the original Max Power. Is it? It is the car from the
original Max Power, is it? Well, Stone the Crows. That's a hell of a car. That keeps some a dimmer.
It's what's right? Sorry? Oh, is it? That's the original Purple Throbber. So that is quite...
Well, that was the cover line. So I'll just keep saying quite wine near it and it'll shrivel
up in no time. Yes, it will. According to you. Yes, it will. Yes, a totally disinterested penis,
if you talk to it. And then some sort of London to Brian contraption in the middle here. Yeah.
And then a Mark I scort and a Vesper or something that Paul Weller would ride in the corner,
or Liam Gallagher. One of them. One of them. Someone who's got hair like my mum. Yeah.
Basically, my mum has 60s mod hair. Does she? Yeah. Pretty much. I'm saying this.
My mum listens to this podcast. If you ever meet Paul Weller, would you go to take a picture of
my mum into the hairdresser? Yeah. No, I'd say, can I have a picture with you, Paul? Because you've
got the same hair as my mum. And he would dry slap me. Yeah, I think you probably would. Yeah.
If you've heard the... I think it's the most recent podcast. Oh, yeah, because we were talking
about you went to Malta. Yeah. And I remember that my family went to Malta once, but I didn't
go with them because I stayed home to revise for my A-levels. Oh, yeah, you said yes. And I actually
borrowed my parents' family car and drove to the Rover Group test track in Warwickshire because I
thought I might try and spy on some top secret prototypes. Thereby proving that I was a very,
very cool teenager. You didn't know house party. You didn't drink a pint of Malibu or
anything. But I remembered something that happened during that week, which was that one night I'd
arranged to go to the pub with some mates. And I made myself a bowl of, I think, like tagliatelle
carbonara. Nice. Not from scratch, obviously. It's like a jar of dolmio, but I still felt
like a proper grownup making my own dinner. Boy, lots of tagliatelle. I know it was tagliatelle.
I remember this for reasons I'll come to in a minute. Oh, gosh. I feel like you might
be ahead of me. But, you know, when you're a teenager, when you're slightly off the leash,
your parents are many, many miles away. So I went to the pub and I might have got a bit
carried away on the pint's front. Possibly also because my parents had left me some cash in case.
So I was minted, relatively speaking. Or just in case you need to go to the pub.
Well, no, I'm not even sure they were aware how much I went to the pub at that point,
because I swear on A-level results night, my dad sidled up to me and went,
having already asked around the dinner table, my parents were going, what are you doing tonight?
Oh, I just got to Sanso's house, you know, just going to chill out, you know, just like celebrate
A-levels and that. Knowing full well, we were going to the Royal Oak in Aldley Edge to have a load
of pints. And my dad sidled up to me afterwards and went, so go on then, which pub are you going
to? And he just went, here's some money, don't tell your mum. Brilliant. And gave me ten pounds,
I think, which in those days was a lot of money. Ten pints? Ten pints, pretty much, yes. It was
the north. Thank you. It bloody was ten pints if you drank mild, because I think milder that
point was like 98p a pint. Bloody hell. Tell us more, Grandad. But then just as I was leaving
the house, my mum sidled up to me and went, go on then, what pub are you going to?
Really? Well, I was like, come on, I know. Here's some money, don't tell your dad.
I was 20 notes up at this point and thinking, this is fucking great. How long can I continue this?
Will I be on my 20th birthday with them still going, okay, look, here's some money,
don't tell your dad. No, it turns out that my parents still spoke to each other.
That's brilliant. By the time the next morning they cracked the code and got
away there. But no, we go back to the time they were in Malta. This is pre them doing that.
And so I made myself some tagliatelle carbonara, went to the pub with a load of the cash that
was probably just meant for groceries and the milkman and stuff like that,
and had a bit of a skinful and got home. And my house I grew up in had a really small downstairs
loo with a really, really small downstairs loo spec sink in it into which I was very, very sick.
And then I immediately went to bed.
Oh, you left it in there. Left it in there. Oh, you bad bastard. You naughty bastard.
And I think it up the next day. That's kind of what cats do. Well, mine does.
No, I had to wait until I became a student to realise that was a viable option to save money
and time. Sorry, everybody. Sorry, that's disgusting. How do we get here? Well, I forgot to tell you
when I was in Malta, I went on live television. Oh, you sent me a link to it. And then I was
trying to watch it on my phone and it was just like, I'll come back to this because it wasn't
working properly. But I saw a freeze frame of you. I went in on TV AM in quite a badly
lit TV studio. Quite a badly lit TV studio. Very early in the morning. Why? They just
suddenly went, Oh, do you want to go on live TV? Because they want to talk to someone
from the UK who's gone to the car show. And I was like, yeah, yeah, all right. I said,
my kids won't be awake. So I'll just scuttle out. I say scuttle because I always I just envisage
this sort of this sort of theatrical like really slow progress, but not making much noise out
of the room. What like that? That run that people do when they're crossing the road in
front of you that in fact, no faster than a walk. You're sort of theatrical. Yes. Oh,
I see you're coming. I'd better get out of your way. But actually, it's a kind of like
yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. So I scuttled out, went to this studio and was interviewed.
But there was a, we were about to go live and then they had a news flash about a typhoon
or something in the Caribbean. And they had a live link to a guy in the Caribbean.
And just before they threw it to the guy who was going to interview me, who was the anchor
of the show. Yeah. One of the crew said to him in English, because they speak, you know, English
and Maltese, they went, he's really stoned. Who? The guy in the Caribbean who was like,
hold up. Oh, they were, they were talking about you. No, no, not me. No, we just saw him
walking like this. Yeah. He's high as a kite. Yeah. Yeah. He thinks the floor is lava. No, this was
like, no, it was 8.30 in the morning. I definitely was. Wake and bake baby. People do it. Yeah. Well,
yeah. Yeah. No, I, so it's true to this guy in the Caribbean who was streaming on his phone.
And he was, he was wasted. Because I think he comes to the conclusion like, well,
there's a dangerous storm outside. I'm in the basement of my house, might be down here for
days. Yeah. Got a couple of cuppa-soups and some tagliatelli. Yeah. Or it was tagliatelli.
Secondhand tagliatelli. Yeah. So he's just, sorry, pre-owned, they say that. I don't know. Yeah.
So I had to sit and wait for this link to finish, which went on for ages, because it was
quite, because he was quite slow. Yeah. It was a little bit slow. So what are conditions like
there? Wow. So bad. You know, shy me. Yeah. Have you got any? Mine's in Bristol. I don't know.
It has been quite windy there recently. Yeah. Yeah.
Massa. Yes.
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It's that. I very briefly used to do this insubmissive thing on a, Radio 5 had this short-lived show
called like Man Time or something. Man Time? Basically, they realised that they had a...
So it was the 80th and the enemy to Woman's Hour. Yeah, it was. It was almost like...
Man Time. Woman's Hour. Man Time. Man Time. Yeah. It's like all those twats who always went on
International Women's Day, all those twats who are always men who go, well, it's International
Men's Day. And Richard Herring has to point out the exact date when there is International Men's...
I think it was this week. Today? And of course, we didn't know that because...
Purple's Robber. It's... Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, they realised that Radio 5 had a very sort of
male-skewing audience on a Saturday afternoon, so they might as well just try and embrace that.
So after all the sports scores had gone out, they would do a kind of magazine show aimed at men.
This was only a few years ago. It feels very dated already. You wouldn't do this now.
Because it feels incredibly good. Look at men. Then there's one that's aimed at women
where they have recipes and stuff. It wasn't that. It was kind of...
The man was like, well, it's just like, well, I'll do film reviews and we'll do a car
slot. So every couple of weeks, I'd go and do the car slot. And they said,
I'll keep it jaunty, keep it light, try and keep it funny. So it might be the first one I did.
And you sit in there in the studio, and they've got reports coming in from all over the place,
and they threw to the news. And then they had this package they put in.
I don't know why they thought this was appropriate for a sort of male-skewing magazine show.
It was an interview with that woman who was locked in a basement for years by someone.
Do you remember? Was it Fritzel? Fritzel? Something like that.
And it was an interview with this young woman. And she spoke with incredible dignity and power
about this unimaginably horrific experience. It was really moving and really powerful.
And we were all sitting in the studio just in silence and sort of quite dry throat. And she's
like, I can't even begin to comprehend this. And yet she is able to articulate it in such
a beautiful way and in such a sort of powerful way. But it seems to have no bitterness towards her
captor. Interesting. And I looked down and I realised I had all this shite about
fear 500s and like finance offers on Ford fiestas and bollocks like that.
And this voice in my ear just went, coming to you next Richard.
Awful. How do you follow that? What's the tone that you strike to do that?
It was horrific. And then, thank Christ, actually, sorry, that's running a little bit
long. We're going to go straight to the news. I was like, oh, thank you. Please,
God, let the news all be jolly. And so I can then segue seamlessly into going,
no, Gucci have done a limited different fear 500. That's funny, isn't it?
Anyway. You didn't talk about sleeve valves anyway. I didn't.
So that's the main thing. The reason I remember now,
why I bought the family holiday to Walter, me not going,
sadly, silly in the sink. Sorry about that. Probably overstepped there a little bit.
Because I was thinking about me being a deeply cool teenager.
And I remembered another thing that I was just like around that same time that I went to London
with my friend Simon on the train, just the two of us. It was a big adventure.
There'd been been some chunder on the train, sure.
There wasn't. We weren't boozing on the train because we weren't
squaddies. Yeah.
Or just businessmen who were tired or me that time. I came back from London and just had
lager and a huge bag of crisps. And then suddenly thought, Oh my God,
I might see someone I know and they'll think I've really lost it.
Which in a way, I suppose I had.
No, we went down to London because Simon's cousin lived there,
but he was like a lot older and we could stay with him.
And just go and do London things. But one of the days we were there,
I made my friend Simon get on the tube all the way to Heathrow airport
so I could go and look at some planes. Oh my God.
That kind of planes you only got at Heathrow, the really big shit that didn't land at Manchester.
And that was one of our days in London. And I just suddenly remember that and went,
Oh my God, why did he agree to that? That was so uncool.
It was deep and uncool.
But it also made me suddenly think I was like the reason why I didn't
tell anyone that my parents away when they were in Malta was because of the fear of a
house party. Yeah. And I started thinking back and I was thinking,
it's a question for you or for anyone for that matter, the worst things you've ever seen
at a teenage house party because I once saw somebody climb in through a window
and they were holding a hosepipe and they stood there and went,
Hello everyone. And then someone outside turned the hosepipe on.
And this bloke was just standing there and he still had this big beaming smile on his face.
But he was just like that and there was just water just spraying out the end of his
hosepipe into someone's sitting room. No. Yeah.
That's like that. I mean, at the time it was hilarious, but in retrospect, that's not funny at
all. Has anyone here ever had an unhinged teenage house party? One, two, three, four.
Okay. About about 10 of you.
Keep it clean.
But if there's any interesting, there's someone who's right here in the front row.
I told you my friend had a terrible house party. Go.
We'd been smoked at my own kitchen table and we're chundering in my own living room.
Was it Tagliatelli?
Carbonara, yeah. It was very white and very spaghetti.
It's always carbonara. Or maybe it's always carbonara when it comes back.
It could have been bolognese on there. Sorry. I've derailed this.
Well, I know I've arrived. I've told you when I first passed my driving test there was a big
party and I drove out to it because I'd been working late at Safeway doing the shutdown,
which was the worst part of the job. And you had to get everything all signed off before you
could leave. And you're like, it's quarter to 10 on a Saturday night. I just want to go.
Just check the fucking microwave. So I drove all the way out there and walked into this person's
really nice house. And it was strangely quiet. There was a there was a guy I knew who was like
one of the quiet ones from maths. He was slumped. It's just like a utility room. He was slow. I remember
it like it was yesterday. He was slumped on the floor, head down and had a lap full of vomit.
So I was like, great. That's cool. And then above him there were cages for what would
have been gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, and they were all open. Oh, everything was open. So it was a guy
just chilling on his own with vomit. And then there was no pets. No pets. They had no idea
where they never saw them. Had he eaten them? I just don't know. I just escaped again. So
I simply don't know. Oh my God. Yeah, I simply don't know. I mean, again,
you sort of at the time, you go, huh, I never guess what Ian from maths did. But in retrospect,
that's really bad. Yeah. And then I mean, I've done a bad thing at a house party before.
It was a New Year's Eve. And I forgive me if I've told this on a previous podcast,
because to be honest with you, I can never remember what I've said. But I decided I'd be
the first person in the world. Excuse your idea of this is bold. Excuse your idea of how
scrumpier I drank. I was absolutely convinced this is pre-internet as well. So there's probably no
proof that I was the first person in the world that year to mow the lawn. So, so, so as as the
cold hour, I got a minute and I'm beating myself up being a cool teenager. So as the clock struck
12 or everyone was getting ready in the garden and about to do the sing song, I'd found the
mower in the shed. Bearing in mind, I was, I was absolutely banjacked. Should hold a quaint.
I just went in there and I went, that's a mountain field. I just get out, put on choke,
gave it a couple of poles and it fired and I took off round the garden. I was, I was mowing
figure of eights on the lowest setting. I still feel quite bad because I genuinely can't remember
whose house it was. Go on Google Maps, you'll probably still be able to see it. Yeah, yeah.
You probably could throw on with a figure of eight. The bus can never be able to grow back.
Honestly, so mechanically unsympathetic. It was, the engine was still cold, straight to
the lowest setting, fastest self-propelled. Off we go. It's New Year's Day. Bang.
I want to be the first person of this year to have mowed your lawn.
I am the first person in the world. I forget what year it was. It would have been like
1994. I'm going to be the first person in 1994 to mow their lawn.
No, because someone in New Zealand could have already, because it's summer there as well,
so they definitely need to mow their lawns. I bet they didn't.
I mean, sorry to burst your bubble after twenty-one years, but genuinely, at the same house party,
we were doing the long jump over a prized koi pond, which was really risky, really risky.
There was another house party where someone got hold of the big stretchy tube attachment
for the vacuum cleaner. And we got into... No.
What? What? I hope they didn't. I really hope they didn't.
No, no, no. No. Don't be dirty. We got in... My mate, Bryce, he was driving.
We got in. My mate, Bryce.
We did make... Something like a bit of old Royal's Royce ceiling falls on me now and strikes me dead.
You'll never know. And then people go, there's a show about Richard. Yeah.
He shagged a vacuum attachment at a party in his mate's car. It's the last thing he said.
Going through a low patch that New Year's Eve. This is okay.
Yeah. Was he the guy who had a massive bag of crisps and nothing else on the train except
four cans of lager? Yes. Yes. Oh, God, he was crying out for help, wasn't he?
Yeah. No, so we... I didn't. Someone else found the huge stretchy vacuum tube attachment thing.
We got... My mate, Bryce, he was driving in his mum's old Peugeot 305 estate automatic,
which we call the dog car because it's stank of dog.
Could have come up with a better name. Really should have worked up that one.
Anyway, and we just went out and he drove and we just drove along using the big stretchy
vacuum attachment to smash estate agent for sale boards as we drove past.
Surprisingly hard to do, but very satisfying when you get a direct hit.
But my memory is that at some point then the big stretchy vacuum attachment was dropped
just after someone had shouted Oi at us. So we just shouted keep driving.
So the house party person's parents would have got home
from their week in Malta or what have you and go,
yes, the big stretchy pipe for the vacuum. And no one would ever know.
Three miles down the road. Three miles down the road with a shattered estate agents board around it
in a kind of target confusing crime. You go, what's happened here? I can't begin to unpick this
because surely nobody would be idiotic enough to drive a Peugeot 305 estate automatic
that smells of dogs past here. Awful. Trying to play rounders with estate agents boards.
Oh, I know something else that happened on a house party. My friend party boy.
He decided to strike up his dad's motorbike in the shed,
which was balanced on milk crates. I can't remember the bike, but it was a really angry
two strokes, something very small shed. So it's it's extra loud when you start it up in a small
two strokes. They're always angry, aren't they? Yeah, and he was just flinging the throttle back.
It's like small dog syndrome, isn't it? Because they don't have as many strokes as the proper
engines and they're cross about it. Yeah, less strokes. I know this is a radical suggestion,
but should we talk about cars? Yeah. Yeah. No. I love the fact that we've got a paying public
waiting for car check because I wanted to just pour one out for the Ford Focus,
which stopped production. I think last weekend with, oh, yes. Yeah.
I looked this up and they already so last weekend, my daughter does that.
What, you miss it already? No, she'll just she'll just like my wife will leave for work in the
morning early for some reason. And then she'll go, OK, I love you. See you later. My daughter's
go, I miss mum. What the dog? You can still see her. She's getting in the car.
They sold 12 million Ford Focus as I. Wow. Yeah, over 27 years. That's a lot of cars
and a lot of years. And it's all it's all just come grinding so hot. But what was really
shocking about this is I was looking this up is that a decade ago, Ford was the best-selling
car company in the UK. And now it is fifth. Worse than that, in Europe, it was the second
best-selling car brand. It is now the 12th. Oof. Now, that to me is dropping the ball.
Yeah. And I understand that people dance by. That's dropping pants and trousers whilst trying
to rum. It is, isn't it? But with shoes on. So they don't quite come off properly.
One slip-ons come off. Yeah. And then you sort of fall and head first. You're now tumbling
like a cartoon character through some dog poo. Yeah. In front of a coach load of people.
Old people. Yeah, that's I was I didn't realise this, how far Ford has fallen. And there are
logical reasons why they've dropped the fiesta and now the focus because they were on the wane.
But it's also interesting, so they're now the fifth, well as of the end of last year,
they're the fifth best-selling car make in Britain. The companies that are ahead of them
are Volkswagen, BMW, Audi and Kia. Yeah. And I think that last one is a big clue to Ford.
Ford has to how they have, how do you put this? Royally fucked it up because they had it all
and it seems like and Kia still sell the seed, don't they? So they're not giving up on that.
But they've just kind of covered all the bases and they go, yeah, we'll do electric,
we'll still do hybrid, we'll do petrol and we'll do whatever you want. Yeah.
You basically whisper in our ear and we'll do it. Yeah. Because we want to keep selling
cars, which sort of used to be the Ford mentality, except Ford told you what you were going to buy.
Yeah. Because they went, if you're doing all right, you can have a GLS. And if you're doing really
all right, you can have a gear. And Johnny's putting on his Gear X sunglasses, hot from his
boxy Granada. With a T-bar auto shift. Slip the T-bar into drive. I'm not buying a manual,
I'm doing well for myself. One of the things that we have in common is that we
both grew up on cul-de-sacs. Yeah. And I don't think you can underestimate the power of cul-de-sac
snobbery. Yeah. I bet Edwina Curry lived on a cul-de-sac.
Cul-de-sac snobbery, what a great band name. I couldn't help noticing.
Well, she's got a phone voice, isn't she? She's got a really posh phone voice,
but it's not a real voice. Yeah. Sorry, I stopped talking about Edwina Curry. But
cul-de-sac snobbery was part of Ford's strength because they created that hierarchy of trim.
It's like you knew the difference between an L and a GL and a GLS and a gear,
or Lutterly with the focus. It was an LX wasn't it, and a Z-Tec and stuff like that.
But it was still comprehensible. You could tell the difference. And you were able to
one up your neighbours. And within the Ford range as well, it's like, well, you once had
an escort, now you've got a Cortina or Sierra. It's like, things are going pretty well.
And that has all been lost. They've lost, they've lost the public consciousness because
all of their model names are bafflingly opaque to normal people. It's like, it's as bad as,
I think Blame Citroen for this. They started it with the ZX, didn't they? But then sort of
Renault really ran with it and everything was called the Esplanade or the miasma or something
like that. And you go, I have no idea which one is better. More letters is better. That's how
it works. But no. And I think Ford lost that. Once they'd lost the cul-de-sacs, they'd lost Britain.
And so I say to Ford, regain the cul-de-sacs, grassroots support, red bumper trim on sportier
models. The bottom half of the doors are anthracite because that makes them posture.
Chrome trim. I'd like a very shallow tray for my iPod classic please.
Yes. Yes, thanks. I want the law. The law's so thick you can lose a toddler in it. Yes. And that way
that Jackson's at number 12 will know things are going bloody well for you. Yes. And that is how
Ford will regain its position. Otherwise they're fucked. Yeah. I want Brian May singing Everything
We Do is Driven by You. Yes. Yeah. And I want more syllables in Ford. That might do it.
For a relaunch campaign. How many syllables, you ask?
Rather than the programs going come back after the break, the Ford advert says come back after
the next bit of Coronation Street and we'll tell you how our name ends these days.
Yeah, it can be a sigh. It ends with a sigh. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Well,
no, but I also think you need a cockney neck. But maybe the sporty one has more of a jerk.
S-I. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. And then, and I'm half serious about this, in fact, I'm more than
I'm three quarters serious. Just to complete this, if Ford want to get it back, they need to start
doing Cosworth versions of everything again. Yeah. And no one might meet with many people
by them, but they need to do it. And they need to persuade the BBC, another beleaguered British
institution, to bring back Spender. Oh. Now, if Jimmy Nail can't be asked to do it, find another
Jordy. It's not that difficult. Yeah. That's right. Robson Green is probably not busy.
Yeah. No, that's his latest show. Have you not seen it? Robson Green not busy.
This week, Robson's going to be in queue, but he doesn't really need anything. He's just
wandering about. Yeah, he does this very moving piece to camera. He sort of admits that he's
half thinking of applying for a job there, just because it looks like fun. And Orange very much
suits him. Yeah, Robson Green's probably not busy. It's a great series. That is. Get Sky on the
Phone. Yeah. They'll do that. Yeah. So bring back Spender. Yeah. Forward as far as the name
is, changes on a weekly basis. It's like a shipping forecast. You tune in to find out
what Ford's called this week. That's right. Pay Brian Mason money to rekindle that song.
Yeah, you could do it. You could get someone more contemporary, like Sam Fender. He's a Jordy.
Oh, yeah. He can be both Spender and because his name is Spender. And sing the theme tune
as well. And sing the theme tune. Yes. This is a synchronicity in action. Yeah.
Why aren't we in marketing? I've got no idea, Richard. But we've mentioned it before. We did
do that thing where we sort of went to an agency who were doing marketing for Voxel. At the end of
the day, they didn't invite us back because all our ideas were really weird.
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I've got a little fold-focus observation that I made today on the way up here.
I don't know if I've mentioned it on a podcast before, but on the A1, there are some shops that
we may be aware of. However, this is not about that. There's another shop on the A1 that
I pass quite often, and it's a Chinese restaurant. Okay, but it's on a particularly fast
unmarked part of the A1 where I don't think anyone will stop, and it's called the China Moon.
The China Moon? The China Moon. Nothing amusing or strange about that. But as I drive past at
70 on the Speedo, I noticed several things. In the car park, it's quite a big Chinese
restaurant. In the car park of the Chinese restaurant... Can I stop you there? What?
Is it a restaurant built in a building that used to be something else, e.g. a little chef?
Oh, I don't know. That's a fair point, but it has got some stone pecanese outside,
which I don't think Happy Eater would have had, but maybe they did. I don't know. Okay,
let's go. And in China Moon, car park, right in the middle, bear in mind the car park
is probably the size of half of Great Northern Classics. Quite a big car park.
For the listeners at home, Great Northern Classics is massive. It's a sizeable place.
There's a seven and a half tonne lorry that's been there long enough for grass about four feet
to be growing through the tarmac and around it. So that's in the front garden, a car park.
And then as you drive by, you can see the backyard where the kitchens are.
Okay. And where the kitchens sort of extract a fan and all that stuff is.
Do you know what else is there? A tractor unit? An abandoned speedboat.
Genuinely. Genuinely. There's an abandoned speedboat, but as I've saw today,
there's also a Ford Focus with flat tyres. Oh. Sad times.
I've actually got my boat, MV, I might make them an offer that they can't refuse.
I'll go, right, I'm going in there, I'm going to order a wad of chow mein,
and I'm going to have an extra hundred sheets. I'm tailoring that away.
I'm not pointing it, not that. The boat. I think I've worked this out. What?
The owner of the restaurant went on bullseye.
Yeah. Now, it's probably that ear of the boat. He suddenly realised his focus didn't have a
tow bar. Yeah. Out of desperation, he bought the seven and a half tonner off eBay
to tow the boat home. And then he realised he didn't want to lorry or a boat. And in fact,
he's lost interest in the focus because all his attention is on the China moon.
Well, I think now it's just a vehicular graveyard. It is, but it's not attractive to
passersby who might be wanting no oriental cuisine. I don't understand. So is it like a little tipper
truck? No, it's a lute and bodied seven and a half tonne. It's a lute and bodied
with a little thing on the back. Yeah, with a lift, a tail lift. It's in the middle of the
car. It's very off-putting. Yeah. But that's off-putting in any situation, but particularly
where somewhere you go and eat. That's just not hygienic somehow. That's like bad vehicular
hygiene. I think the boat used to be inside and maybe it was a buffet boat that were coming up
with these great ideas to bring people in off the A1. Hey, don't be doing 75 past us. Yeah. Come on in.
Maybe that's it. We've got to abandon lorry in our car. Maybe originally. Yeah. Originally,
though, it was a lute and full of chow mein and you just helped yourself. And then they went,
oh, actually, this is this is this is difficult. We're cooking a lot of food to keep the lute
full up. Yeah, mostly going off. Yes. So they dumped it in the car park. So they just got this next
harebrained scheme was the speed boat full of prawns and then it's gone. It's a boat buffet. Yeah.
I've got a new one for you. No, please don't. No, really, honestly, it's a medium-sized hatchback
full of rice. And they try it for a week. It's no good. Yeah. So I can't wait to see what's
next. It's like a Cessna. I just previously been absolutely crammed full of duck. This isn't working
either. Yeah. Just a multi multimodal transport graveyard in their car park. Yeah. So it's the
whole thing just freaks me out and I won't go in. But I thought I just mentioned it. But
yeah, the focus thing is sad. I genuinely think the folds have completely lost their
mojo and I don't think they know what to do. I think it's been going on for some years actually.
Yeah, I think you're right. I feel a little bit lost. Which is weird because Ford always seemed to know
what it wanted to do. Exactly. They did. They genuinely did. They were quite decisive and
they sort of defined it and everyone else had to try and catch up. Yeah. Which actually,
funnily enough, leads me to one of the things I'd written down to talk about here. I don't
even know I've seen this. There's a freakishly low-mile Montego for sale at the moment.
Have you seen this? There's some nods. It's a late one. I haven't seen it. It is in a juicy spec as
far as I'm concerned. Caveat. I'm quite strange. It's a two-litre O-series manual. That is a lovely,
lovely car as Montego's go. It's a later one. It's a facelift one and it's an LXI. So it's
not too flash. But you know, if you brought one of those home new to the cul-de-sac,
people might have gone, oh, it's the I. I think Graham's doing pretty well.
Yeah, exactly. Someone's going to France on holiday this year. Oh yeah,
the GB sticker is in full effect. With the trailer tent. Euro camping again, Nigel,
certainly am. And with the I, I'll get there in no time. Those also roots won't know what's
hit them. Two-tone, of course. Notice that your Cavalier LS isn't two-tone. Steve,
things not going so well at the computer company. Anyway, there's a 2000. I was waiting for the
day I've drifted off. The second chapter on that. Yeah. So you're going to buy it? I'm not
because I'm Metro people now. Yeah. Yeah. But if I was going to vault the fence. Yeah. You know,
work my way up the ladder. I might consider 2000 miles. Now it's POA. How do we feel about POA?
No. That's a good, exactly. Piss off asking. Yes. That's what it stands for. It doesn't
seem like a way to run a business. No, it's all. If you walked into Smiths and went,
sorry, just how much is this bag of rebels? And they went, you'll have to apply in writing.
Do you know what it is? It's guess the weight of a cake at a local fate.
That's what it is for me. Well, it's sort of, yeah. And that's what pisses me off about it.
But you're not invited to guess though, are you? Because if you did, that would be great.
Well, it would be if you got it. No, hang on. That doesn't work either. I was going to say,
if you just, they had to sell it to you for whatever you guessed. You just go in and go
seven quid. And they go, but it's a Veyron. I know. But I said seven quid.
And you said POA, which is Inversation to Guess.
I hate the way they do that. I mean, the instant that I become some kind of benevolent overlord of
this country, that's going to be illegal. POA's out. Illegal. And also, I'm going to round up the
people who've been doing it in the past and imprison them. Yep. No, no, you make them do
naked litter picking at the side of the motor. Oh, that's a good idea.
I think that's the best way to punish people that have just been bad.
Yeah. How long do we have to do this for? POA, mate. Yeah.
And I mean naked litter picking now, because winter started today. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
Exactly. I saw that, that former luxury car dealer by the side of the A1. I didn't
realise he had no penis whatsoever. And you go, no, come on. Be generous. It's very cold.
Yeah, he's allowed to wear a beanie though. POA is okay. I've heard, I was told on the grapevine
that that Montego was up for 14 grand, but I've since heard elsewhere it might be 12.
I'm just going to keep saying numbers though, to try and discredit the business that has the
temerity to try POA on a fucking Montego. Come on, people. There are seven adults in
Britain who want that Montego. And I'm one of them, but I metro people now. So you're down to six.
Just tell those six people what you want for it. And they can ring you up if they do
indeed want to give you that amount of money. But it's fascinating. But what it does show is
that's the thing. The Montego, sorry to be serious again, but the Montego was always playing catch-up
with the Sierra because the Montego was just a bit sort of fugly. And it was like Austin Rover
hadn't quite got their shit together and Ford, it was just like we've got our range hierarchy
sorted out. We have our wheel trim system absolutely on point. Wheel trim. Wheel trim.
Oh, hang on. It's my wife ringing me to tell me to shut the fuck up.
And no, even Vauxhall, Vauxhall were pretty good at it, but they just hadn't got that absolutely
precise level of right. At what point do you get chrome around your side windows?
And below that, you must consider yourself a failure.
Yeah. It was hierarchy brilliance.
Have you seen some of the cars in storage just over the way, just down there?
I have briefly.
Has anybody else had a peer over the barriers? There's an absolutely exquisite example of the
mark of a Ford Cortina two-litre, gear, auto, mark four on the R, Reg.
Really?
Yeah. It's beautiful. And it's got padded vinyl roof,
matching vinyl covers over the little slats on the D pillar, but C pillar, whatever.
And it's got a vinyl covered sunroof.
Perfect.
It's so sexy.
Someone's doing that.
Yeah, someone's doing that.
Exactly.
That's right. They're not buying knickers from a vending machine on the seafront.
Are they?
Would anybody do that? I mean, seriously.
It is. I mean, that is cul-de-sac baller.
That is cul-de-sac.
Your mum starts looking at Alan from number 14 in a slightly different way because of his
vinyl covered sunroof.
Yeah.
And Ford or Alan's looking at my mum.
Well, because Alan knows.
Yeah.
Palm of his hand.
Yeah.
My sunroof's covered in vinyl.
Yeah. I could have it all.
Oh, my God.
In fact, I already have got it all because I've got a Cortina gear.
Smoother than cocoa butter.
Incredible.
I bet he cocoa butter stuff on it.
She lifted number seven.
And she had a silica.
Oh, yes.
Cocoa butter.
It's not a silica, but down there is a, again, an exquisite
example of the mark of a Toyota Supra Mark III.
Oh, really?
And I was having a little perv round it earlier, under supervision.
And it's got 4,000 miles on the clock.
It's definitely...
Bloody hell.
Was dead person spec.
Deceased spec?
Yeah. Yeah.
Unbelievable.
It is so perfect.
I just opened the door and I just didn't hail it.
It was just amazing.
Really?
Yeah, it was amazing.
Is it Valour in there?
There's a lot of Valour.
Very grey, sort of like, I don't know, German factory worker,
Dungaree grey.
You know the grey, you know.
And it was flawless.
Just a flawless thing.
Crikey.
Yeah.
Loved it.
Is it POA?
Is it POA?
I don't know if it's for sale.
I don't think it's for sale.
Not for sale.
No, not for sale.
No.
Good.
Yeah, that was good.
There's only one thing worse than POA.
Is when some people go...
DOA.
You might be right.
Now you mention it, that is worse.
Yes, factually speaking, you're right.
But I've occasionally seen cars at car shows
and someone puts a sign in the window going,
don't ask, it's definitely not for sale.
No, mate, I wasn't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's very bizarre.
Very bizarre behaviour.
That is weird.
Wouldn't pull up with it, would you?
Oh, so it's kind of...
It's quite...
In a way, it's quite flattering
that people want to buy your car.
Yeah, I know.
Do you think?
I don't know.
Is that weird?
I sort of think it is.
It's like, it's not...
I mean...
It is not nice.
You just say no.
Yeah, no, it's not.
It's not hard.
No, thank you.
It's not for sale.
Yeah.
They're not holding a gun to your face.
No.
Unless they are.
Maybe that's what happened to him.
Then he was DOA.
And then he might be DOA.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because of the POA.
I could see how it happened.
Now, one thing I just want to address
last week, Sarah Cox walked 135 miles
to raise money for children in need.
She set off in sort of the English-Scottish border
and she walked all the way to the hook here
because it was children in need.
She was walking to a town or a village called Pudsy.
She was 135 miles over many days.
It was an incredible feat of endurance.
She's raised.
I wrote this down.
She's raised.
So as of earlier this week,
10.2 million pounds for children in need.
That is amazing.
For doing that.
It's a fucking incredible achievement.
Yeah.
And I can't imagine that sort of level of endurance
walking 135 miles.
Except I can.
Because I've been to the lose
at Lee Delamere services on the M4.
And I've done so from the Tesla charging spaces
Oh yeah.
Long way away.
And that is more than 135 miles.
No offense to Sarah Cox
who has done something truly incredible
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For a very noble cause.
But I cannot think of a motorway service area
where the bogs are so willfully far away.
Why have they done this?
It's like, I know there's that sort of logic
in retail and things where they go
make people walk past the shops.
Yeah, you have to trip over a load of phone charges
just to get there.
Well, this is the thing.
Newsflash for the architects of motorway service areas.
People are there to have a wee.
That is their primary reason.
Then maybe a coffee.
Maybe some food.
At no point do they want to buy
a novelty Christmas tree ornament in July.
That is not why I'm at Lee Delamere
and I'm not looking at your shit in your shop.
I want to have a wee.
And it is bloody miles away.
Do you have to climb upstairs?
No, you don't.
But I'm sure they'll be onto that in a trice.
Now you've suggested it.
They may even put some kind of obstacle course.
You have to slide down a fireman's pole
and crawl under some of that netting
before you're allowed to urinate.
Lee Delamere.
Well, I know there's like an 80s assault course.
There's, oh, Lee Delamere.
Come to Lee Delamere.
We've introduced snipers just outside the doors
to make it harder for you to empty your bladder
in a timely manner.
It's just squid games.
It's squid games.
You're bursting for a Lee Delamere piss games.
I realise that sounds deeply rude now, but...
Yeah, Lee.
The crabs, in fact, are very good.
Yeah.
Everyone's waddling like Asimo, the robot.
Well, they are.
Just get out of the way.
They won't tell me anything, no.
I don't know if anyone's been to Lee Delamere on the M4,
but it's also very long and thin as a motorway service.
So you can see the target in the distance.
Almost as if to taunt you.
But only in the way that, you know, you can often,
on very flat landscapes, you can see a tall building.
You can see the sign for the loo,
but you know it's still 150-odd miles away.
I mean, in fact, maybe it's a trick.
They want you to go into the little M&S
and have to buy some water and some food
because you won't make it if you don't.
You'll expire just by that fake Bugatti Veyron
that the children rely on.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
But it could be like this sort of hierarchical buying system
like Ferrari have been doing for years
and Porsche are now doing it.
So you go, oh, so you want the toilet?
Yes.
Ah.
But if you want the toilet,
first you have to buy some shit sunglasses,
and then come back to me and then buy Twix.
No, buy 12 Twixes, then come back to me.
Yeah.
Oh, by the way, we're selling some fleeces.
You know, there's kind that people who breed dogs have.
We're selling those.
You've got to buy one of those.
Yeah.
They're 60 quid and they have terrible quality,
but if you want the toilet, you're going to buy one.
Yeah.
Oh, there's also a postcard depicting the town of Chippenham
for no explicable reason.
Yeah.
You've got to buy that.
Yeah.
Or you're only upgraded to the loot.
And ultimately, that's what gets you to the lav.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We gave away some great ideas to Ford.
We're now giving away bad ideas to the owners of Leed Elamis services
who will doubt and excuse them.
I was in our favorite services only last week.
Can I just have a little bit of a cheer for Bulldog?
Bulldog services.
Woo.
Yeah.
How was it?
Richard?
Do you know what?
It was really shit, actually.
It is really shit, isn't it?
It's a shame, really, because I went in there with slightly dewy eyes
and I came out with very dry, bored eyes.
There's been one change.
The guy that sells the phone cases has moved.
Has he?
Yeah.
He's next to the toilets now, whereas before he was right next to the entrance.
No, but I feel like there was one by the loser as well.
So is he just like taking over a different slot?
Unless one's going out of business or they've amalgamated and...
Yeah.
Okay.
This town is only big enough for one person selling an iPhone cable for 17 quid.
Well, yeah.
Which is...
Now, actually, if you think about Bulldog, they do make you do a circuitous walk
because you have to go around the circular central eating section.
You do?
Yeah, you do.
This is...
Why do the motorway service people have to do this?
Because actually, I stopped by one of those ones on the M42
you can never remember the name of on the way here.
And that's got upstairs lose.
Yeah.
Unnecessary.
Completely.
Totally unnecessary.
And it's like, I just...
I'm not going to buy more stuff just because you make me walk further.
No.
Unless it's a new pair of trousers because I've wet myself.
Because your lavatories are too far away.
But maybe lead delamere services,
maybe they allow motorcyclists into the building
so they can carry on riding.
To get to the labs at the other end.
Maybe that's why they just build their bikes
and run into the cubicle.
Lead delamere is, in fact, a very sorely misunderstood services
because in fact, that very wide, long central thing
you're allowed to drive down.
It's just an extension of the M4.
And they're going, why is nobody driving?
We just... We did this for you.
So look, there's parking spaces.
It's easy.
Look, I'm doing it.
I feel like there is a life hack at lead delamere services,
which is that behind...
Just when you get to the lose, there's actually a door out
into another bit of the outside.
And I think it's the coach park.
Oh, yeah.
So I feel like I might buck the system
if I don't need to charge the car
and just drive round there.
Yeah.
As long as I wear a short-sleeve shirt with a tongue.
If anyone stops me...
Yeah, I was going to say, I've got high fizz for you.
A blazer and his sunglasses.
Yeah.
And if people stop me, I'll just go,
no, I'm just an off-duty coach driver.
I'm still entitled to use the coach parking.
Yeah.
I believe.
Do you know, for listeners who aren't here,
you won't know that there's a cardboard cutout
life-size of David Hasselhoff.
I'm going to put him in high viz.
I don't know if David Hasselhoff has ever been
in high viz before.
Would you reckon?
No, because...
No, he won't have ever done that.
Danger wouldn't dare approach him.
No.
It wouldn't, though, would it?
It wouldn't...
Couldn't imagine...
The hoff is not going to leave us
by getting run over by a bin lorry
or something that's reversed.
That's...
What, sorry?
It's what, sorry?
Brakes down in France.
Brakes down in France?
Yes.
Oh.
He's broken down in France.
Yes, you have to have a high viz
if you break down in France.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the hoff is...
Do you know, I had a dream about
getting stopped or breaking down in France
and not having high viz,
and the whole dream was ever so practical.
I was trying to be resourceful,
and I found some really...
I went into the verge next to the motorway
and I found some yellow flowers.
And I made...
Wait, hang on.
And I made my own, basically, flower waistcoat.
And then the police let me off.
They're like, oh, yeah.
Because that was really bright.
So, yeah.
This was a dream.
This was a dream.
Because honestly, this sounds like
something that you would have actually done.
Yeah, well, I broke down once.
I ran out of fuel many years ago
on a very busy dual carriageway.
And I told you, I had one of those
Strimmer-engined Go-peds in the boot
that I was testing from a magazine I was working on.
And I realised that had some fuel in,
but not enough to power a car.
So I just went down the hard shoulder flat out
on a Go-ped with a gallon can on my back.
I remember.
Yeah. The rucksack of petrol.
The rucksack of petrol.
Yes.
We were talking just before we came on about...
We were talking about Dill Danding.
We were talking about I'm Dill Danding,
the incredible Elton John lockdown version
of I'm Still Standing.
Yes.
Which you may have seen and enjoyed.
By a long way, the funniest thing you'll ever watch.
That's one of those ones I think I...
I need to sort of refresh and cleanse
and delight my brain by watching that
sort of once every three months, maybe.
Once every two weeks.
Oh, is it two weeks?
Are you on that side of the sofa?
Oh, yeah.
It's a bit, you know, your doctor can advise
on what dose of I'm Dill Danding you should have.
It's the way he...
For your mental health.
It's the way he stabs the piano keys
in that way of just fucking get it done.
Just get it done.
Just get it done.
But we were talking before we came on as well
about how I don't think enough is made of the fact
that the Girls Are Loud song don't speak French.
They re-recorded it in French.
Really?
It was the B-side or the additional track on the CD single.
It's a great song.
So they didn't sort of do it belatedly.
They did it at the time and it was a bit like...
I can't just like the level of irony
just makes my brain fold in on itself like a burrito.
I can't, I just, and no one seems to mention it anymore.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night
and think about it and just go, why did, I just...
But I don't know.
You know, we've had, we've had Halloween quite recently,
which I've got no interest in, but there's always horror films
where there's a thing at the end of your bed.
Yeah, you know, a ghost, phantom, you know, dead nun, something.
And I had another nightmare the other night,
but I kept waking up and believing that I was trapped
inside one of those steam-powered merry-go-rounds.
Again, to be clear, dream not reality.
Actual dream, yeah.
So you know those like galloping horses type carousels
with all the bright lights, lovely scroll work, etc, etc.
But in the middle is the organ, which is playing ever so loud,
quite annoying music.
Well, I dreamt I was trapped right next to that
and I couldn't get out.
And I couldn't get out.
And there's the small conductor.
Yes.
You know, the small conductor boy?
Freaky bastard.
Yeah, well, he was right next to my face
and I couldn't move any further back.
He was just invading my personal space.
I'm saying this out loud.
It sounds a little silly, but it was terrifying.
Yeah, I didn't get a great deal of sleep that night.
And it has a little conductor stick that was almost tapping my nose.
Is that was the fear of getting jabbed in the eye by a tiny conductor?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wearing those Victorian bloomer shorts things.
You know, Victorian boys look the same as Victorian girls.
They wear the same clothes.
I hear other podcasts that are sponsored
by those sort of like online mental health things.
And I sometimes feel we're a sitting duck for that.
And yet we never get the call.
Anyway, on that note, it's time to wrap things up, I'm afraid.
On that, is it?
Yes, it is.
On that note of things.
I've had the secret signal.
Oh, sugar.
I haven't even talked about my family guide to the internet.
Well, we'll talk about it another time.
But for now, we must leave you.
Before we go, three things I would like to share with you,
which I'm just going to look down here and remind myself of,
because I've totally forgotten them.
The first one is that Johnny is engaged in a remarkable project
to develop a new TV show, which invites the audience to vote
on the fate of the former lead singer of Merillion.
Your options will be, he can be interrogated intensely.
He can be made to get incredibly high on marijuana.
Or he can just be made fantastically weary by work
and the pressures of everyday life.
It's under the working title,
Would You Like Your Fish, Grilled, Baked, or Fried?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He's silly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He's silly bastard.
You're such a silly bastard.
If that's not to your taste, there is, of course,
always the late break show.
And if that's not to your taste, please go and buy my new book,
which is called Petrolhead and it's a compilation of my new,
my old Evo columns.
A second thing I wanted to say is a massive thank you to
everyone here for coming out this evening.
Yes.
A fantastic turnout and we really appreciate it.
It is wonderful.
Thank you also to Great Northern Classics for hosting us
and to Mark and Lisa, who some of you may have met,
who operate our merchandise stall and check tickets
and do all the stuff that we are absolutely illiquid.
We're in seals, unfortunately.
Because we're fuckwits.
Yeah.
And the third thing I wanted to tell you is,
well, Johnny, did you know that Uranus was discovered in Bath?
LAUGHTER
What?
The planet Uranus was discovered in the city of Bath Bath,
where I live.
Was it?
Yeah, I only found this out last week.
I've got this written down because I knew I wouldn't remember it.
But there was a guy called William Herschel,
who was a German-born astronomer and composer.
It was great in the olden days, wasn't it,
when you could have two magnificent jobs.
That's fantastic, yeah.
Instead of having to scratch around for one.
But he was the first person who realised that the light
that they could see inside through telescopes
wasn't a star or a comet and he did it all
from the back garden of his house on King Street in Bath.
Or Bath.
Or Bath, as he might have said,
because he was born in Germany.
You've just reminded me of...
I've been traumatised this week by too much talking about space.
LAUGHTER
Which is regular listeners to the podcast.
Again, if you are a mental health charity or online thing,
please get in touch.
We both need you, Andrew.
The problem is I don't care about space.
And my Spotify keeps...
If I pause, then I'm listening to a podcast
that I'm interested in.
When I un-paused it, it kept pushing in
Brian Cox's fucking chat about space.
And I'd never even chose it, ever.
It did it five times on a car journey.
Five times.
I'm going to have to rethink your Christmas present.
Would anyone like a signed photo of Tim Peake?
All right, well, anyway, look, that's quite enough from us,
but we will do this all again very soon.
Until then, goodbye.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
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Well, you could join our Patreon.
What wonders that it brings?
Burley shows and extra notes on that side of things.
You could buy our merchandise.
We've mugs and hats, but still no ties.
One day we will make those pies.
But in the meantime, guys, hey, guys.
Like and subscribe.
And maybe leave a nice review.
Like and subscribe.
We know you know just what to do.
Like and subscribe.
We don't want to take the piss.
Like and subscribe.
But we were told to ask for this.
Like and subscribe.
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Like and subscribe.
Like and subscribe.
There's anyone been to one of these terrible evenings before?
Wow, if you just come to us for your money back.
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About this episode
Live in Derby brings a lively discussion between Richard Porter and Johnny Smith, who explore the rich automotive history of Derby, including the legacy of the Bentley and Rolls-Royce. They share humorous anecdotes about their own car experiences, including a recent recall on the Dacia Spring and the decline of the Ford Focus. The episode is filled with banter about classic cars, personal stories from their teenage years, and a light-hearted critique of modern automotive marketing strategies. The duo also touches on quirky topics like the peculiarities of motorway services and the oddities of car ownership.
Original notes
In front of a brilliant audience at Great Northern Classics in Derby, Jonny and Richard talk about Derby Bentleys, Edwina Currie, Rolls-Royce Eagle engines, civil war in the Dacia Spring community, Paul Weller’s hair, Jonny appearing on Maltese TV, Richard having a youthful carbonara incident, teenage house parties, the death of the Ford Focus, an abandoned lorry in a restaurant car park, the problem with Leigh Delamere services, David Hasselhoff breaking down on a French road, Jonny’s strange dreams, and a deep level of irony from Girls Aloud.
For early, ad-free episodes and extra content go to patreon.com/smithandsniff
To buy merch and tickets to live podcast recordings go to smithandsniff.com
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Smith and Sniff
Jonny Smith and Richard Porter
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