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Hey Sal. Hank, what's going on? We haven't worked a case in years.

I just bought my car in Havana and it was so easy. Too easy. Think something's up?

You tell me. They got thousands of options, found a great car, a great prize,

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Hank. Yeah, you're right. Case closed. Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply.

I'm Richard Porter. I'm Johnny Smith. And this is Smith and Sniff, a podcast in which

two friends talk about cars and many other things live in Derby.

Well, look guys, listen. Here's the situation. Here's the scene. Great northern classics. What an

amazing place that we're dwelling in tonight. Absolutely love it. It is in no particular

order. Great northern and classic. It is. Well, is it northern though? Well, it's Midlandish.

Stuart's inquiry on that. Yeah. There's a reason for the name. I didn't know until today. It's about

great northern train line. Oh, yeah. Because there's train sheds over there, which are still

train sheds. I didn't know that. So it's not strictly north. I don't want to get into it.

It's like a jurisdiction thing. I don't run county lines. I don't know where the

jurisdiction start and end. I don't know what this is about. That means something different now.

Oh, okay. I was on the phone to a mate of mine this morning who's from basically in Derby.

Okay. And I said, oh, we're actually going to be in Derby tonight doing a live show. He doesn't

live here anymore. He lives miles away. So, but he was like, oh, right. And he went, of course,

yeah, the main car connection with Derby is the Derby Bentley. Of course. And I totally

forgotten about that. I was just thinking of Toyota because obviously they still make cars here.

That's right. He said, no, the Derby Bentley, that's a major thing. Yeah. Or was a major thing.

Yeah. And he was trying to tell me about it. But then I just started going on about Edwina Curry

because as soon as I thought of Toyota around here, I suddenly thought of Edwina Curry.

He was, she was the MP around here for ages, wasn't she? And I think she sort of used

to take credit for the Toyota factory. Well, all I know is that this building is steeped in

history. Is it? Yeah. Because Edwina Curry built it. No, nothing to do with Edwina Curry.

Opened it. No. Designed it. No. She may have pissed in it at some point. The thing that,

probably, but not tonight. She had a furtive fumble with John Major behind this building.

Behind one of those huge aero engines. Oh, that's really, yes. Because this used to be owned

by Rowles Royce. Did it? Yes. This did. This is where aero engines were made. And

I'm going to just fumble for my... I turned up late and didn't do my homework. So this is all

genuine news to me, but that's amazing. Well, you're normally the one that educates me. But tonight,

tonight, I'm going to tell you a little bit about the Eagle. Now, you may be aware that the Eagle

Quest is parked outside, majestic that she is. And she arrived here with no less than 17

holes in the middle part of the exhaust. But still wonderfully reliable, although the

MOT expires in six days. That's all right. It does. Still legal. Sort of legal,

legal. As long as you don't stay here for seven days, you're fine. No, no. Let's have a hideous

industrial accident and I'll leave it out of the front, but I won't. You're arm-trapped

in one of the old jet engines. There is strong Eagle chemistry in this building. Okay.

Okay. Big Eagle energy. There is big, there is big, there is big energy because,

because when I pulled up, there was an Alvis, a drop head Alvis next to where the Eagle was

originally parked. And it had a huge Eagle on the bonnet. I was like, I was getting Eagle envy.

And then, if that wasn't impressively enough, when I started to have a little tour of the

place earlier with Alex, I was told that this old building used to make the very first Rolls-Royce

Aero engine, which was called the Eagle, real Eagle. Yes. It was called the Eagle and it went

into the above. Yeah. The first aircraft engine from 1915, right? And this was made to meet

world war one requirements for the military. Okay. Do you know, I've been told very strictly

and sternly by my wife to stop doing that thing where every W sound has a wha. Oh, really? Yeah.

Your wife, she finds it, what's the opposite of erotic? Repellent? Yes. Repellent. Coxe

rivulet? Deeply repellent. Well, the lady version. Yes. But yes, they made another engine called

the Eagle, the Eagle XX11, which is Roman emeralds, is that 21? Oh, XX11? Yeah, XXII.

And the Eagle XXII, right, was a 24 cylinder sleeve valve aero engine of 46 litres displacement

with two cranks, 3200 horsepower, and they made 50 of them, but they never fitted them

into a production fighter plane because the new kid in town, the jet, came along. It had two

cranks. It had two cranks. It was an H shaped H configuration engine. Yeah. There you go.

Just thought I'd do a bit of education before we start talking about like coxswain. So anyway,

the thing I don't like about Queen of Courage is she looks like the kind of woman who'd come

round and complain to you personally when you were having a bonfire.

And I just can't, I can't get on with that. No. No. Also, she shagged John Major.

And that's so disrespectful to Norma Major that I can't, I can't be doing that. Yeah.

Anyway, sorry. So I came here a little bit late.

She's the kind of woman who would like give you boots vouchers for Christmas.

What's wrong with that? I actually quite like boots vouchers. You can't get fun stuff in boots

when you're seven. Do you remember the boots? Not in a small boot, maybe in a big boot, but

the boots advantage card, was it? Yes. It still exists, I think. Yeah. One year, I bought all

my Christmas presents using my advantage points. So if it didn't exist in boots, you weren't

getting it. If it, if it wasn't an old spice shaving set. Yeah. And your mum was delighted

with that. Thanks John. It's so thoughtful. Bloody loved it. Bloody loved it. It smells like someone's

grandad now. Yeah. What was I saying? I don't know. You were talking about Edwina Curry.

She's haunting me now. No, I came up here late, which is why I didn't know about eagle engines

and things, because I didn't have time. But I came up in my Land Rover Defender, which is

downstairs. She reversed into the pantry. Reversed into the pantry and it's going to live

here tonight. So I can have some, she's not here. So I'm going to say it's white white.

And that was because, because people at Great Northern Classics had said, we can put

one of your cars on display downstairs. And I thought, oh, I should bring a car people might

want to look at. Because if you've heard the podcast is out at the moment, you might know.

Maybe not. I mean, why would you? I've just got a dacha spring electric car. It's fantastic,

except for one thing. Because I thought, I'm going to take my spring to Derby. It'll probably

necessitate a charge on the way. It's not really a long distance car. It's not meant for that. But

I was like, you know, when you get a new toy, you just want to say, am I just going the

spring? It'd be jolly. I'll go cross country. And then I realized it was going to be on

display. And I was like, people don't really want to see a small Chinese made Romanian electric car

in Great Northern Classics getting ahead of itself there. It's not a classic yet. I'll take the

defender. But the other reason that I realized I probably had to bring the Land Rover is that

just last night, I happened upon a post from the dacha spring Facebook group. Oh, yeah,

I'm spring people now. Are you are you really you're on the Facebook? I actually joined

it months ago when I was keen to know what people were making of their springs.

I'm an interesting guy. I can't, I, I, I've never been on Facebook.

Well, I don't understand the layout of it. So I just left. I don't get it. Basically,

at the side, a list of people you worked with 17 years ago. And then in the middle,

your uncle being disappointingly racist. Because they've opened a new Chinese takeaway

in town. Right, okay, right. If you don't go searching around, you'll find the dacha spring

Facebook group. In fact, there are two. There's like, it's like the Judean people's front,

the people's front of Judea. No, seriously. And just this week, somebody in like,

the people's front of dacha spring has gone. Why aren't people members of this group and put a link

to the dacha spring people's front? There's a civil exactly letter. There's a,

there's a civil war brewing in spring land. But I happened to see a post last night

from someone in one of the, the, the, the, the breakaway faction or the original group.

It's all of a flatter, basically, because a few people have had letters through

saying there's a recall on their springs. And it's a stop driving recall. You immediately

hand in your keys. They will come and take your car. They will give you a courtesy car

because there is a problem with the steering rack and it needs to be replaced. This is a safety

critical problem. I was looking at this going, oh, that's a worry. But look, it seems to be

people who've maybe got slightly older springs. I'm sure it'll be fine. But then the people

saying, yeah, the letter came through. They send it recorded delivery to make sure they know

you've got it because it's safety critical. And suddenly I remembered that when I got home

last night, there was one of those little red chips from the postman saying, I tried to

deliver a recorded letter and you weren't here. So I've kept it and I'll send, I'll try it another

time. I was thinking, I haven't ordered anything recorded delivery. I think it's a letter

telling me that my Dutch of spring needs to have its steering rack replaced.

I do not drive it to Derby. You might be killed. So I've come in my defender.

You should have come in your, just for reference for people who aren't in the room

and are just listening with their ears. There are some cars next to us, some vehicles next to us.

There's an Armstrong Sidler to Richard's left, my left, and a Citroen, not a Citroen,

C5, a Sinclair C5. Easily confused, the Sinclair C5 or the Citroen C5. Absolutely.

And I've got a Sunbeam motorcycle behind me and a Norton and then

Chodyshift is Formula One car. Genuinely. Genuinely right next to the audio guy,

which is a beautiful sweet, sweet example of the first Formula Mark, a really pretty car.

Have you noticed it's got sitting pads on the air intakes? Oh, I think they're booster

cushions for children. When you do the Formula One commute with kids. It's a sweet, sweet looking

thing. And there's a couple of aero engines. There's all sorts behind. There's a dimmer.

Is that a dimmer body kitted 205? Oh, yes. I think it is, yeah. In purple. D-I-M-M-A. Yeah.

Dimmer. It might be the car from the original Max Power. Is it? It is the car from the

original Max Power, is it? Well, Stone the Crows. That's a hell of a car. That keeps some a dimmer.

It's what's right? Sorry? Oh, is it? That's the original Purple Throbber. So that is quite...

Well, that was the cover line. So I'll just keep saying quite wine near it and it'll shrivel

up in no time. Yes, it will. According to you. Yes, it will. Yes, a totally disinterested penis,

if you talk to it. And then some sort of London to Brian contraption in the middle here. Yeah.

And then a Mark I scort and a Vesper or something that Paul Weller would ride in the corner,

or Liam Gallagher. One of them. One of them. Someone who's got hair like my mum. Yeah.

Basically, my mum has 60s mod hair. Does she? Yeah. Pretty much. I'm saying this.

My mum listens to this podcast. If you ever meet Paul Weller, would you go to take a picture of

my mum into the hairdresser? Yeah. No, I'd say, can I have a picture with you, Paul? Because you've

got the same hair as my mum. And he would dry slap me. Yeah, I think you probably would. Yeah.

If you've heard the... I think it's the most recent podcast. Oh, yeah, because we were talking

about you went to Malta. Yeah. And I remember that my family went to Malta once, but I didn't

go with them because I stayed home to revise for my A-levels. Oh, yeah, you said yes. And I actually

borrowed my parents' family car and drove to the Rover Group test track in Warwickshire because I

thought I might try and spy on some top secret prototypes. Thereby proving that I was a very,

very cool teenager. You didn't know house party. You didn't drink a pint of Malibu or

anything. But I remembered something that happened during that week, which was that one night I'd

arranged to go to the pub with some mates. And I made myself a bowl of, I think, like tagliatelle

carbonara. Nice. Not from scratch, obviously. It's like a jar of dolmio, but I still felt

like a proper grownup making my own dinner. Boy, lots of tagliatelle. I know it was tagliatelle.

I remember this for reasons I'll come to in a minute. Oh, gosh. I feel like you might

be ahead of me. But, you know, when you're a teenager, when you're slightly off the leash,

your parents are many, many miles away. So I went to the pub and I might have got a bit

carried away on the pint's front. Possibly also because my parents had left me some cash in case.

So I was minted, relatively speaking. Or just in case you need to go to the pub.

Well, no, I'm not even sure they were aware how much I went to the pub at that point,

because I swear on A-level results night, my dad sidled up to me and went,

having already asked around the dinner table, my parents were going, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, I just got to Sanso's house, you know, just going to chill out, you know, just like celebrate

A-levels and that. Knowing full well, we were going to the Royal Oak in Aldley Edge to have a load

of pints. And my dad sidled up to me afterwards and went, so go on then, which pub are you going

to? And he just went, here's some money, don't tell your mum. Brilliant. And gave me ten pounds,

I think, which in those days was a lot of money. Ten pints? Ten pints, pretty much, yes. It was

the north. Thank you. It bloody was ten pints if you drank mild, because I think milder that

point was like 98p a pint. Bloody hell. Tell us more, Grandad. But then just as I was leaving

the house, my mum sidled up to me and went, go on then, what pub are you going to?

Really? Well, I was like, come on, I know. Here's some money, don't tell your dad.

I was 20 notes up at this point and thinking, this is fucking great. How long can I continue this?

Will I be on my 20th birthday with them still going, okay, look, here's some money,

don't tell your dad. No, it turns out that my parents still spoke to each other.

That's brilliant. By the time the next morning they cracked the code and got

away there. But no, we go back to the time they were in Malta. This is pre them doing that.

And so I made myself some tagliatelle carbonara, went to the pub with a load of the cash that

was probably just meant for groceries and the milkman and stuff like that,

and had a bit of a skinful and got home. And my house I grew up in had a really small downstairs

loo with a really, really small downstairs loo spec sink in it into which I was very, very sick.

And then I immediately went to bed.

Oh, you left it in there. Left it in there. Oh, you bad bastard. You naughty bastard.

And I think it up the next day. That's kind of what cats do. Well, mine does.

No, I had to wait until I became a student to realise that was a viable option to save money

and time. Sorry, everybody. Sorry, that's disgusting. How do we get here? Well, I forgot to tell you

when I was in Malta, I went on live television. Oh, you sent me a link to it. And then I was

trying to watch it on my phone and it was just like, I'll come back to this because it wasn't

working properly. But I saw a freeze frame of you. I went in on TV AM in quite a badly

lit TV studio. Quite a badly lit TV studio. Very early in the morning. Why? They just

suddenly went, Oh, do you want to go on live TV? Because they want to talk to someone

from the UK who's gone to the car show. And I was like, yeah, yeah, all right. I said,

my kids won't be awake. So I'll just scuttle out. I say scuttle because I always I just envisage

this sort of this sort of theatrical like really slow progress, but not making much noise out

of the room. What like that? That run that people do when they're crossing the road in

front of you that in fact, no faster than a walk. You're sort of theatrical. Yes. Oh,

I see you're coming. I'd better get out of your way. But actually, it's a kind of like

yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. So I scuttled out, went to this studio and was interviewed.

But there was a, we were about to go live and then they had a news flash about a typhoon

or something in the Caribbean. And they had a live link to a guy in the Caribbean.

And just before they threw it to the guy who was going to interview me, who was the anchor

of the show. Yeah. One of the crew said to him in English, because they speak, you know, English

and Maltese, they went, he's really stoned. Who? The guy in the Caribbean who was like,

hold up. Oh, they were, they were talking about you. No, no, not me. No, we just saw him

walking like this. Yeah. He's high as a kite. Yeah. Yeah. He thinks the floor is lava. No, this was

like, no, it was 8.30 in the morning. I definitely was. Wake and bake baby. People do it. Yeah. Well,

yeah. Yeah. No, I, so it's true to this guy in the Caribbean who was streaming on his phone.

And he was, he was wasted. Because I think he comes to the conclusion like, well,

there's a dangerous storm outside. I'm in the basement of my house, might be down here for

days. Yeah. Got a couple of cuppa-soups and some tagliatelli. Yeah. Or it was tagliatelli.

Secondhand tagliatelli. Yeah. So he's just, sorry, pre-owned, they say that. I don't know. Yeah.

So I had to sit and wait for this link to finish, which went on for ages, because it was

quite, because he was quite slow. Yeah. It was a little bit slow. So what are conditions like

there? Wow. So bad. You know, shy me. Yeah. Have you got any? Mine's in Bristol. I don't know.

It has been quite windy there recently. Yeah. Yeah.

Massa. Yes.

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It's that. I very briefly used to do this insubmissive thing on a, Radio 5 had this short-lived show

called like Man Time or something. Man Time? Basically, they realised that they had a...

So it was the 80th and the enemy to Woman's Hour. Yeah, it was. It was almost like...

Man Time. Woman's Hour. Man Time. Man Time. Yeah. It's like all those twats who always went on

International Women's Day, all those twats who are always men who go, well, it's International

Men's Day. And Richard Herring has to point out the exact date when there is International Men's...

I think it was this week. Today? And of course, we didn't know that because...

Purple's Robber. It's... Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, they realised that Radio 5 had a very sort of

male-skewing audience on a Saturday afternoon, so they might as well just try and embrace that.

So after all the sports scores had gone out, they would do a kind of magazine show aimed at men.

This was only a few years ago. It feels very dated already. You wouldn't do this now.

Because it feels incredibly good. Look at men. Then there's one that's aimed at women

where they have recipes and stuff. It wasn't that. It was kind of...

The man was like, well, it's just like, well, I'll do film reviews and we'll do a car

slot. So every couple of weeks, I'd go and do the car slot. And they said,

I'll keep it jaunty, keep it light, try and keep it funny. So it might be the first one I did.

And you sit in there in the studio, and they've got reports coming in from all over the place,

and they threw to the news. And then they had this package they put in.

I don't know why they thought this was appropriate for a sort of male-skewing magazine show.

It was an interview with that woman who was locked in a basement for years by someone.

Do you remember? Was it Fritzel? Fritzel? Something like that.

And it was an interview with this young woman. And she spoke with incredible dignity and power

about this unimaginably horrific experience. It was really moving and really powerful.

And we were all sitting in the studio just in silence and sort of quite dry throat. And she's

like, I can't even begin to comprehend this. And yet she is able to articulate it in such

a beautiful way and in such a sort of powerful way. But it seems to have no bitterness towards her

captor. Interesting. And I looked down and I realised I had all this shite about

fear 500s and like finance offers on Ford fiestas and bollocks like that.

And this voice in my ear just went, coming to you next Richard.

Awful. How do you follow that? What's the tone that you strike to do that?

It was horrific. And then, thank Christ, actually, sorry, that's running a little bit

long. We're going to go straight to the news. I was like, oh, thank you. Please,

God, let the news all be jolly. And so I can then segue seamlessly into going,

no, Gucci have done a limited different fear 500. That's funny, isn't it?

Anyway. You didn't talk about sleeve valves anyway. I didn't.

So that's the main thing. The reason I remember now,

why I bought the family holiday to Walter, me not going,

sadly, silly in the sink. Sorry about that. Probably overstepped there a little bit.

Because I was thinking about me being a deeply cool teenager.

And I remembered another thing that I was just like around that same time that I went to London

with my friend Simon on the train, just the two of us. It was a big adventure.

There'd been been some chunder on the train, sure.

There wasn't. We weren't boozing on the train because we weren't

squaddies. Yeah.

Or just businessmen who were tired or me that time. I came back from London and just had

lager and a huge bag of crisps. And then suddenly thought, Oh my God,

I might see someone I know and they'll think I've really lost it.

Which in a way, I suppose I had.

No, we went down to London because Simon's cousin lived there,

but he was like a lot older and we could stay with him.

And just go and do London things. But one of the days we were there,

I made my friend Simon get on the tube all the way to Heathrow airport

so I could go and look at some planes. Oh my God.

That kind of planes you only got at Heathrow, the really big shit that didn't land at Manchester.

And that was one of our days in London. And I just suddenly remember that and went,

Oh my God, why did he agree to that? That was so uncool.

It was deep and uncool.

But it also made me suddenly think I was like the reason why I didn't

tell anyone that my parents away when they were in Malta was because of the fear of a

house party. Yeah. And I started thinking back and I was thinking,

it's a question for you or for anyone for that matter, the worst things you've ever seen

at a teenage house party because I once saw somebody climb in through a window

and they were holding a hosepipe and they stood there and went,

Hello everyone. And then someone outside turned the hosepipe on.

And this bloke was just standing there and he still had this big beaming smile on his face.

But he was just like that and there was just water just spraying out the end of his

hosepipe into someone's sitting room. No. Yeah.

That's like that. I mean, at the time it was hilarious, but in retrospect, that's not funny at

all. Has anyone here ever had an unhinged teenage house party? One, two, three, four.

Okay. About about 10 of you.

Keep it clean.

But if there's any interesting, there's someone who's right here in the front row.

I told you my friend had a terrible house party. Go.

We'd been smoked at my own kitchen table and we're chundering in my own living room.

Was it Tagliatelli?

Carbonara, yeah. It was very white and very spaghetti.

It's always carbonara. Or maybe it's always carbonara when it comes back.

It could have been bolognese on there. Sorry. I've derailed this.

Well, I know I've arrived. I've told you when I first passed my driving test there was a big

party and I drove out to it because I'd been working late at Safeway doing the shutdown,

which was the worst part of the job. And you had to get everything all signed off before you

could leave. And you're like, it's quarter to 10 on a Saturday night. I just want to go.

Just check the fucking microwave. So I drove all the way out there and walked into this person's

really nice house. And it was strangely quiet. There was a there was a guy I knew who was like

one of the quiet ones from maths. He was slumped. It's just like a utility room. He was slow. I remember

it like it was yesterday. He was slumped on the floor, head down and had a lap full of vomit.

So I was like, great. That's cool. And then above him there were cages for what would

have been gerbils, hamsters, rabbits, and they were all open. Oh, everything was open. So it was a guy

just chilling on his own with vomit. And then there was no pets. No pets. They had no idea

where they never saw them. Had he eaten them? I just don't know. I just escaped again. So

I simply don't know. Oh my God. Yeah, I simply don't know. I mean, again,

you sort of at the time, you go, huh, I never guess what Ian from maths did. But in retrospect,

that's really bad. Yeah. And then I mean, I've done a bad thing at a house party before.

It was a New Year's Eve. And I forgive me if I've told this on a previous podcast,

because to be honest with you, I can never remember what I've said. But I decided I'd be

the first person in the world. Excuse your idea of this is bold. Excuse your idea of how

scrumpier I drank. I was absolutely convinced this is pre-internet as well. So there's probably no

proof that I was the first person in the world that year to mow the lawn. So, so, so as as the

cold hour, I got a minute and I'm beating myself up being a cool teenager. So as the clock struck

12 or everyone was getting ready in the garden and about to do the sing song, I'd found the

mower in the shed. Bearing in mind, I was, I was absolutely banjacked. Should hold a quaint.

I just went in there and I went, that's a mountain field. I just get out, put on choke,

gave it a couple of poles and it fired and I took off round the garden. I was, I was mowing

figure of eights on the lowest setting. I still feel quite bad because I genuinely can't remember

whose house it was. Go on Google Maps, you'll probably still be able to see it. Yeah, yeah.

You probably could throw on with a figure of eight. The bus can never be able to grow back.

Honestly, so mechanically unsympathetic. It was, the engine was still cold, straight to

the lowest setting, fastest self-propelled. Off we go. It's New Year's Day. Bang.

I want to be the first person of this year to have mowed your lawn.

I am the first person in the world. I forget what year it was. It would have been like

1994. I'm going to be the first person in 1994 to mow their lawn.

No, because someone in New Zealand could have already, because it's summer there as well,

so they definitely need to mow their lawns. I bet they didn't.

I mean, sorry to burst your bubble after twenty-one years, but genuinely, at the same house party,

we were doing the long jump over a prized koi pond, which was really risky, really risky.

There was another house party where someone got hold of the big stretchy tube attachment

for the vacuum cleaner. And we got into... No.

What? What? I hope they didn't. I really hope they didn't.

No, no, no. No. Don't be dirty. We got in... My mate, Bryce, he was driving.

We got in. My mate, Bryce.

We did make... Something like a bit of old Royal's Royce ceiling falls on me now and strikes me dead.

You'll never know. And then people go, there's a show about Richard. Yeah.

He shagged a vacuum attachment at a party in his mate's car. It's the last thing he said.

Going through a low patch that New Year's Eve. This is okay.

Yeah. Was he the guy who had a massive bag of crisps and nothing else on the train except

four cans of lager? Yes. Yes. Oh, God, he was crying out for help, wasn't he?

Yeah. No, so we... I didn't. Someone else found the huge stretchy vacuum tube attachment thing.

We got... My mate, Bryce, he was driving in his mum's old Peugeot 305 estate automatic,

which we call the dog car because it's stank of dog.

Could have come up with a better name. Really should have worked up that one.

Anyway, and we just went out and he drove and we just drove along using the big stretchy

vacuum attachment to smash estate agent for sale boards as we drove past.

Surprisingly hard to do, but very satisfying when you get a direct hit.

But my memory is that at some point then the big stretchy vacuum attachment was dropped

just after someone had shouted Oi at us. So we just shouted keep driving.

So the house party person's parents would have got home

from their week in Malta or what have you and go,

yes, the big stretchy pipe for the vacuum. And no one would ever know.

Three miles down the road. Three miles down the road with a shattered estate agents board around it

in a kind of target confusing crime. You go, what's happened here? I can't begin to unpick this

because surely nobody would be idiotic enough to drive a Peugeot 305 estate automatic

that smells of dogs past here. Awful. Trying to play rounders with estate agents boards.

Oh, I know something else that happened on a house party. My friend party boy.

He decided to strike up his dad's motorbike in the shed,

which was balanced on milk crates. I can't remember the bike, but it was a really angry

two strokes, something very small shed. So it's it's extra loud when you start it up in a small

two strokes. They're always angry, aren't they? Yeah, and he was just flinging the throttle back.

It's like small dog syndrome, isn't it? Because they don't have as many strokes as the proper

engines and they're cross about it. Yeah, less strokes. I know this is a radical suggestion,

but should we talk about cars? Yeah. Yeah. No. I love the fact that we've got a paying public

waiting for car check because I wanted to just pour one out for the Ford Focus,

which stopped production. I think last weekend with, oh, yes. Yeah.

I looked this up and they already so last weekend, my daughter does that.

What, you miss it already? No, she'll just she'll just like my wife will leave for work in the

morning early for some reason. And then she'll go, OK, I love you. See you later. My daughter's

go, I miss mum. What the dog? You can still see her. She's getting in the car.

They sold 12 million Ford Focus as I. Wow. Yeah, over 27 years. That's a lot of cars

and a lot of years. And it's all it's all just come grinding so hot. But what was really

shocking about this is I was looking this up is that a decade ago, Ford was the best-selling

car company in the UK. And now it is fifth. Worse than that, in Europe, it was the second

best-selling car brand. It is now the 12th. Oof. Now, that to me is dropping the ball.

Yeah. And I understand that people dance by. That's dropping pants and trousers whilst trying

to rum. It is, isn't it? But with shoes on. So they don't quite come off properly.

One slip-ons come off. Yeah. And then you sort of fall and head first. You're now tumbling

like a cartoon character through some dog poo. Yeah. In front of a coach load of people.

Old people. Yeah, that's I was I didn't realise this, how far Ford has fallen. And there are

logical reasons why they've dropped the fiesta and now the focus because they were on the wane.

But it's also interesting, so they're now the fifth, well as of the end of last year,

they're the fifth best-selling car make in Britain. The companies that are ahead of them

are Volkswagen, BMW, Audi and Kia. Yeah. And I think that last one is a big clue to Ford.

Ford has to how they have, how do you put this? Royally fucked it up because they had it all

and it seems like and Kia still sell the seed, don't they? So they're not giving up on that.

But they've just kind of covered all the bases and they go, yeah, we'll do electric,

we'll still do hybrid, we'll do petrol and we'll do whatever you want. Yeah.

You basically whisper in our ear and we'll do it. Yeah. Because we want to keep selling

cars, which sort of used to be the Ford mentality, except Ford told you what you were going to buy.

Yeah. Because they went, if you're doing all right, you can have a GLS. And if you're doing really

all right, you can have a gear. And Johnny's putting on his Gear X sunglasses, hot from his

boxy Granada. With a T-bar auto shift. Slip the T-bar into drive. I'm not buying a manual,

I'm doing well for myself. One of the things that we have in common is that we

both grew up on cul-de-sacs. Yeah. And I don't think you can underestimate the power of cul-de-sac

snobbery. Yeah. I bet Edwina Curry lived on a cul-de-sac.

Cul-de-sac snobbery, what a great band name. I couldn't help noticing.

Well, she's got a phone voice, isn't she? She's got a really posh phone voice,

but it's not a real voice. Yeah. Sorry, I stopped talking about Edwina Curry. But

cul-de-sac snobbery was part of Ford's strength because they created that hierarchy of trim.

It's like you knew the difference between an L and a GL and a GLS and a gear,

or Lutterly with the focus. It was an LX wasn't it, and a Z-Tec and stuff like that.

But it was still comprehensible. You could tell the difference. And you were able to

one up your neighbours. And within the Ford range as well, it's like, well, you once had

an escort, now you've got a Cortina or Sierra. It's like, things are going pretty well.

And that has all been lost. They've lost, they've lost the public consciousness because

all of their model names are bafflingly opaque to normal people. It's like, it's as bad as,

I think Blame Citroen for this. They started it with the ZX, didn't they? But then sort of

Renault really ran with it and everything was called the Esplanade or the miasma or something

like that. And you go, I have no idea which one is better. More letters is better. That's how

it works. But no. And I think Ford lost that. Once they'd lost the cul-de-sacs, they'd lost Britain.

And so I say to Ford, regain the cul-de-sacs, grassroots support, red bumper trim on sportier

models. The bottom half of the doors are anthracite because that makes them posture.

Chrome trim. I'd like a very shallow tray for my iPod classic please.

Yes. Yes, thanks. I want the law. The law's so thick you can lose a toddler in it. Yes. And that way

that Jackson's at number 12 will know things are going bloody well for you. Yes. And that is how

Ford will regain its position. Otherwise they're fucked. Yeah. I want Brian May singing Everything

We Do is Driven by You. Yes. Yeah. And I want more syllables in Ford. That might do it.

For a relaunch campaign. How many syllables, you ask?

Rather than the programs going come back after the break, the Ford advert says come back after

the next bit of Coronation Street and we'll tell you how our name ends these days.

Yeah, it can be a sigh. It ends with a sigh. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Well,

no, but I also think you need a cockney neck. But maybe the sporty one has more of a jerk.

S-I. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. And then, and I'm half serious about this, in fact, I'm more than

I'm three quarters serious. Just to complete this, if Ford want to get it back, they need to start

doing Cosworth versions of everything again. Yeah. And no one might meet with many people

by them, but they need to do it. And they need to persuade the BBC, another beleaguered British

institution, to bring back Spender. Oh. Now, if Jimmy Nail can't be asked to do it, find another

Jordy. It's not that difficult. Yeah. That's right. Robson Green is probably not busy.

Yeah. No, that's his latest show. Have you not seen it? Robson Green not busy.

This week, Robson's going to be in queue, but he doesn't really need anything. He's just

wandering about. Yeah, he does this very moving piece to camera. He sort of admits that he's

half thinking of applying for a job there, just because it looks like fun. And Orange very much

suits him. Yeah, Robson Green's probably not busy. It's a great series. That is. Get Sky on the

Phone. Yeah. They'll do that. Yeah. So bring back Spender. Yeah. Forward as far as the name

is, changes on a weekly basis. It's like a shipping forecast. You tune in to find out

what Ford's called this week. That's right. Pay Brian Mason money to rekindle that song.

Yeah, you could do it. You could get someone more contemporary, like Sam Fender. He's a Jordy.

Oh, yeah. He can be both Spender and because his name is Spender. And sing the theme tune

as well. And sing the theme tune. Yes. This is a synchronicity in action. Yeah.

Why aren't we in marketing? I've got no idea, Richard. But we've mentioned it before. We did

do that thing where we sort of went to an agency who were doing marketing for Voxel. At the end of

the day, they didn't invite us back because all our ideas were really weird.

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I've got a little fold-focus observation that I made today on the way up here.

I don't know if I've mentioned it on a podcast before, but on the A1, there are some shops that

we may be aware of. However, this is not about that. There's another shop on the A1 that

I pass quite often, and it's a Chinese restaurant. Okay, but it's on a particularly fast

unmarked part of the A1 where I don't think anyone will stop, and it's called the China Moon.

The China Moon? The China Moon. Nothing amusing or strange about that. But as I drive past at

70 on the Speedo, I noticed several things. In the car park, it's quite a big Chinese

restaurant. In the car park of the Chinese restaurant... Can I stop you there? What?

Is it a restaurant built in a building that used to be something else, e.g. a little chef?

Oh, I don't know. That's a fair point, but it has got some stone pecanese outside,

which I don't think Happy Eater would have had, but maybe they did. I don't know. Okay,

let's go. And in China Moon, car park, right in the middle, bear in mind the car park

is probably the size of half of Great Northern Classics. Quite a big car park.

For the listeners at home, Great Northern Classics is massive. It's a sizeable place.

There's a seven and a half tonne lorry that's been there long enough for grass about four feet

to be growing through the tarmac and around it. So that's in the front garden, a car park.

And then as you drive by, you can see the backyard where the kitchens are.

Okay. And where the kitchens sort of extract a fan and all that stuff is.

Do you know what else is there? A tractor unit? An abandoned speedboat.

Genuinely. Genuinely. There's an abandoned speedboat, but as I've saw today,

there's also a Ford Focus with flat tyres. Oh. Sad times.

I've actually got my boat, MV, I might make them an offer that they can't refuse.

I'll go, right, I'm going in there, I'm going to order a wad of chow mein,

and I'm going to have an extra hundred sheets. I'm tailoring that away.

I'm not pointing it, not that. The boat. I think I've worked this out. What?

The owner of the restaurant went on bullseye.

Yeah. Now, it's probably that ear of the boat. He suddenly realised his focus didn't have a

tow bar. Yeah. Out of desperation, he bought the seven and a half tonner off eBay

to tow the boat home. And then he realised he didn't want to lorry or a boat. And in fact,

he's lost interest in the focus because all his attention is on the China moon.

Well, I think now it's just a vehicular graveyard. It is, but it's not attractive to

passersby who might be wanting no oriental cuisine. I don't understand. So is it like a little tipper

truck? No, it's a lute and bodied seven and a half tonne. It's a lute and bodied

with a little thing on the back. Yeah, with a lift, a tail lift. It's in the middle of the

car. It's very off-putting. Yeah. But that's off-putting in any situation, but particularly

where somewhere you go and eat. That's just not hygienic somehow. That's like bad vehicular

hygiene. I think the boat used to be inside and maybe it was a buffet boat that were coming up

with these great ideas to bring people in off the A1. Hey, don't be doing 75 past us. Yeah. Come on in.

Maybe that's it. We've got to abandon lorry in our car. Maybe originally. Yeah. Originally,

though, it was a lute and full of chow mein and you just helped yourself. And then they went,

oh, actually, this is this is this is difficult. We're cooking a lot of food to keep the lute

full up. Yeah, mostly going off. Yes. So they dumped it in the car park. So they just got this next

harebrained scheme was the speed boat full of prawns and then it's gone. It's a boat buffet. Yeah.

I've got a new one for you. No, please don't. No, really, honestly, it's a medium-sized hatchback

full of rice. And they try it for a week. It's no good. Yeah. So I can't wait to see what's

next. It's like a Cessna. I just previously been absolutely crammed full of duck. This isn't working

either. Yeah. Just a multi multimodal transport graveyard in their car park. Yeah. So it's the

whole thing just freaks me out and I won't go in. But I thought I just mentioned it. But

yeah, the focus thing is sad. I genuinely think the folds have completely lost their

mojo and I don't think they know what to do. I think it's been going on for some years actually.

Yeah, I think you're right. I feel a little bit lost. Which is weird because Ford always seemed to know

what it wanted to do. Exactly. They did. They genuinely did. They were quite decisive and

they sort of defined it and everyone else had to try and catch up. Yeah. Which actually,

funnily enough, leads me to one of the things I'd written down to talk about here. I don't

even know I've seen this. There's a freakishly low-mile Montego for sale at the moment.

Have you seen this? There's some nods. It's a late one. I haven't seen it. It is in a juicy spec as

far as I'm concerned. Caveat. I'm quite strange. It's a two-litre O-series manual. That is a lovely,

lovely car as Montego's go. It's a later one. It's a facelift one and it's an LXI. So it's

not too flash. But you know, if you brought one of those home new to the cul-de-sac,

people might have gone, oh, it's the I. I think Graham's doing pretty well.

Yeah, exactly. Someone's going to France on holiday this year. Oh yeah,

the GB sticker is in full effect. With the trailer tent. Euro camping again, Nigel,

certainly am. And with the I, I'll get there in no time. Those also roots won't know what's

hit them. Two-tone, of course. Notice that your Cavalier LS isn't two-tone. Steve,

things not going so well at the computer company. Anyway, there's a 2000. I was waiting for the

day I've drifted off. The second chapter on that. Yeah. So you're going to buy it? I'm not

because I'm Metro people now. Yeah. Yeah. But if I was going to vault the fence. Yeah. You know,

work my way up the ladder. I might consider 2000 miles. Now it's POA. How do we feel about POA?

No. That's a good, exactly. Piss off asking. Yes. That's what it stands for. It doesn't

seem like a way to run a business. No, it's all. If you walked into Smiths and went,

sorry, just how much is this bag of rebels? And they went, you'll have to apply in writing.

Do you know what it is? It's guess the weight of a cake at a local fate.

That's what it is for me. Well, it's sort of, yeah. And that's what pisses me off about it.

But you're not invited to guess though, are you? Because if you did, that would be great.

Well, it would be if you got it. No, hang on. That doesn't work either. I was going to say,

if you just, they had to sell it to you for whatever you guessed. You just go in and go

seven quid. And they go, but it's a Veyron. I know. But I said seven quid.

And you said POA, which is Inversation to Guess.

I hate the way they do that. I mean, the instant that I become some kind of benevolent overlord of

this country, that's going to be illegal. POA's out. Illegal. And also, I'm going to round up the

people who've been doing it in the past and imprison them. Yep. No, no, you make them do

naked litter picking at the side of the motor. Oh, that's a good idea.

I think that's the best way to punish people that have just been bad.

Yeah. How long do we have to do this for? POA, mate. Yeah.

And I mean naked litter picking now, because winter started today. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

Exactly. I saw that, that former luxury car dealer by the side of the A1. I didn't

realise he had no penis whatsoever. And you go, no, come on. Be generous. It's very cold.

Yeah, he's allowed to wear a beanie though. POA is okay. I've heard, I was told on the grapevine

that that Montego was up for 14 grand, but I've since heard elsewhere it might be 12.

I'm just going to keep saying numbers though, to try and discredit the business that has the

temerity to try POA on a fucking Montego. Come on, people. There are seven adults in

Britain who want that Montego. And I'm one of them, but I metro people now. So you're down to six.

Just tell those six people what you want for it. And they can ring you up if they do

indeed want to give you that amount of money. But it's fascinating. But what it does show is

that's the thing. The Montego, sorry to be serious again, but the Montego was always playing catch-up

with the Sierra because the Montego was just a bit sort of fugly. And it was like Austin Rover

hadn't quite got their shit together and Ford, it was just like we've got our range hierarchy

sorted out. We have our wheel trim system absolutely on point. Wheel trim. Wheel trim.

Oh, hang on. It's my wife ringing me to tell me to shut the fuck up.

And no, even Vauxhall, Vauxhall were pretty good at it, but they just hadn't got that absolutely

precise level of right. At what point do you get chrome around your side windows?

And below that, you must consider yourself a failure.

Yeah. It was hierarchy brilliance.

Have you seen some of the cars in storage just over the way, just down there?

I have briefly.

Has anybody else had a peer over the barriers? There's an absolutely exquisite example of the

mark of a Ford Cortina two-litre, gear, auto, mark four on the R, Reg.

Really?

Yeah. It's beautiful. And it's got padded vinyl roof,

matching vinyl covers over the little slats on the D pillar, but C pillar, whatever.

And it's got a vinyl covered sunroof.

Perfect.

It's so sexy.

Someone's doing that.

Yeah, someone's doing that.

Exactly.

That's right. They're not buying knickers from a vending machine on the seafront.

Are they?

Would anybody do that? I mean, seriously.

It is. I mean, that is cul-de-sac baller.

That is cul-de-sac.

Your mum starts looking at Alan from number 14 in a slightly different way because of his

vinyl covered sunroof.

Yeah.

And Ford or Alan's looking at my mum.

Well, because Alan knows.

Yeah.

Palm of his hand.

Yeah.

My sunroof's covered in vinyl.

Yeah. I could have it all.

Oh, my God.

In fact, I already have got it all because I've got a Cortina gear.

Smoother than cocoa butter.

Incredible.

I bet he cocoa butter stuff on it.

She lifted number seven.

And she had a silica.

Oh, yes.

Cocoa butter.

It's not a silica, but down there is a, again, an exquisite

example of the mark of a Toyota Supra Mark III.

Oh, really?

And I was having a little perv round it earlier, under supervision.

And it's got 4,000 miles on the clock.

It's definitely...

Bloody hell.

Was dead person spec.

Deceased spec?

Yeah. Yeah.

Unbelievable.

It is so perfect.

I just opened the door and I just didn't hail it.

It was just amazing.

Really?

Yeah, it was amazing.

Is it Valour in there?

There's a lot of Valour.

Very grey, sort of like, I don't know, German factory worker,

Dungaree grey.

You know the grey, you know.

And it was flawless.

Just a flawless thing.

Crikey.

Yeah.

Loved it.

Is it POA?

I don't know if it's for sale.

I don't think it's for sale.

Not for sale.

No, not for sale.

No.

Good.

Yeah, that was good.

There's only one thing worse than POA.

Is when some people go...

DOA.

You might be right.

Now you mention it, that is worse.

Yes, factually speaking, you're right.

But I've occasionally seen cars at car shows

and someone puts a sign in the window going,

don't ask, it's definitely not for sale.

No, mate, I wasn't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's very bizarre.

Very bizarre behaviour.

That is weird.

Wouldn't pull up with it, would you?

Oh, so it's kind of...

It's quite...

In a way, it's quite flattering

that people want to buy your car.

Yeah, I know.

Do you think?

I don't know.

Is that weird?

I sort of think it is.

It's like, it's not...

I mean...

It is not nice.

You just say no.

Yeah, no, it's not.

It's not hard.

No, thank you.

It's not for sale.

Yeah.

They're not holding a gun to your face.

No.

Unless they are.

Maybe that's what happened to him.

Then he was DOA.

And then he might be DOA.

Yeah.

Because of the POA.

I could see how it happened.

Now, one thing I just want to address

last week, Sarah Cox walked 135 miles

to raise money for children in need.

She set off in sort of the English-Scottish border

and she walked all the way to the hook here

because it was children in need.

She was walking to a town or a village called Pudsy.

She was 135 miles over many days.

It was an incredible feat of endurance.

She's raised.

I wrote this down.

She's raised.

So as of earlier this week,

10.2 million pounds for children in need.

That is amazing.

For doing that.

It's a fucking incredible achievement.

Yeah.

And I can't imagine that sort of level of endurance

walking 135 miles.

Except I can.

Because I've been to the lose

at Lee Delamere services on the M4.

And I've done so from the Tesla charging spaces

Oh yeah.

Long way away.

And that is more than 135 miles.

No offense to Sarah Cox

who has done something truly incredible

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For a very noble cause.

But I cannot think of a motorway service area

where the bogs are so willfully far away.

Why have they done this?

It's like, I know there's that sort of logic

in retail and things where they go

make people walk past the shops.

Yeah, you have to trip over a load of phone charges

just to get there.

Well, this is the thing.

Newsflash for the architects of motorway service areas.

People are there to have a wee.

That is their primary reason.

Then maybe a coffee.

Maybe some food.

At no point do they want to buy

a novelty Christmas tree ornament in July.

That is not why I'm at Lee Delamere

and I'm not looking at your shit in your shop.

I want to have a wee.

And it is bloody miles away.

Do you have to climb upstairs?

No, you don't.

But I'm sure they'll be onto that in a trice.

Now you've suggested it.

They may even put some kind of obstacle course.

You have to slide down a fireman's pole

and crawl under some of that netting

before you're allowed to urinate.

Lee Delamere.

Well, I know there's like an 80s assault course.

There's, oh, Lee Delamere.

Come to Lee Delamere.

We've introduced snipers just outside the doors

to make it harder for you to empty your bladder

in a timely manner.

It's just squid games.

It's squid games.

You're bursting for a Lee Delamere piss games.

I realise that sounds deeply rude now, but...

Yeah, Lee.

The crabs, in fact, are very good.

Yeah.

Everyone's waddling like Asimo, the robot.

Well, they are.

Just get out of the way.

They won't tell me anything, no.

I don't know if anyone's been to Lee Delamere on the M4,

but it's also very long and thin as a motorway service.

So you can see the target in the distance.

Almost as if to taunt you.

But only in the way that, you know, you can often,

on very flat landscapes, you can see a tall building.

You can see the sign for the loo,

but you know it's still 150-odd miles away.

I mean, in fact, maybe it's a trick.

They want you to go into the little M&S

and have to buy some water and some food

because you won't make it if you don't.

You'll expire just by that fake Bugatti Veyron

that the children rely on.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But it could be like this sort of hierarchical buying system

like Ferrari have been doing for years

and Porsche are now doing it.

So you go, oh, so you want the toilet?

Yes.

Ah.

But if you want the toilet,

first you have to buy some shit sunglasses,

and then come back to me and then buy Twix.

No, buy 12 Twixes, then come back to me.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, we're selling some fleeces.

You know, there's kind that people who breed dogs have.

We're selling those.

You've got to buy one of those.

Yeah.

They're 60 quid and they have terrible quality,

but if you want the toilet, you're going to buy one.

Yeah.

Oh, there's also a postcard depicting the town of Chippenham

for no explicable reason.

Yeah.

You've got to buy that.

Yeah.

Or you're only upgraded to the loot.

And ultimately, that's what gets you to the lav.

Yeah.

We gave away some great ideas to Ford.

We're now giving away bad ideas to the owners of Leed Elamis services

who will doubt and excuse them.

I was in our favorite services only last week.

Can I just have a little bit of a cheer for Bulldog?

Bulldog services.

Woo.

Yeah.

How was it?

Richard?

Do you know what?

It was really shit, actually.

It is really shit, isn't it?

It's a shame, really, because I went in there with slightly dewy eyes

and I came out with very dry, bored eyes.

There's been one change.

The guy that sells the phone cases has moved.

Has he?

Yeah.

He's next to the toilets now, whereas before he was right next to the entrance.

No, but I feel like there was one by the loser as well.

So is he just like taking over a different slot?

Unless one's going out of business or they've amalgamated and...

Yeah.

Okay.

This town is only big enough for one person selling an iPhone cable for 17 quid.

Well, yeah.

Which is...

Now, actually, if you think about Bulldog, they do make you do a circuitous walk

because you have to go around the circular central eating section.

You do?

Yeah, you do.

This is...

Why do the motorway service people have to do this?

Because actually, I stopped by one of those ones on the M42

you can never remember the name of on the way here.

And that's got upstairs lose.

Yeah.

Unnecessary.

Completely.

Totally unnecessary.

And it's like, I just...

I'm not going to buy more stuff just because you make me walk further.

No.

Unless it's a new pair of trousers because I've wet myself.

Because your lavatories are too far away.

But maybe lead delamere services,

maybe they allow motorcyclists into the building

so they can carry on riding.

To get to the labs at the other end.

Maybe that's why they just build their bikes

and run into the cubicle.

Lead delamere is, in fact, a very sorely misunderstood services

because in fact, that very wide, long central thing

you're allowed to drive down.

It's just an extension of the M4.

And they're going, why is nobody driving?

We just... We did this for you.

So look, there's parking spaces.

It's easy.

Look, I'm doing it.

I feel like there is a life hack at lead delamere services,

which is that behind...

Just when you get to the lose, there's actually a door out

into another bit of the outside.

And I think it's the coach park.

Oh, yeah.

So I feel like I might buck the system

if I don't need to charge the car

and just drive round there.

Yeah.

As long as I wear a short-sleeve shirt with a tongue.

If anyone stops me...

Yeah, I was going to say, I've got high fizz for you.

A blazer and his sunglasses.

Yeah.

And if people stop me, I'll just go,

no, I'm just an off-duty coach driver.

I'm still entitled to use the coach parking.

Yeah.

I believe.

Do you know, for listeners who aren't here,

you won't know that there's a cardboard cutout

life-size of David Hasselhoff.

I'm going to put him in high viz.

I don't know if David Hasselhoff has ever been

in high viz before.

Would you reckon?

No, because...

No, he won't have ever done that.

Danger wouldn't dare approach him.

No.

It wouldn't, though, would it?

It wouldn't...

Couldn't imagine...

The hoff is not going to leave us

by getting run over by a bin lorry

or something that's reversed.

That's...

What, sorry?

It's what, sorry?

Brakes down in France.

Brakes down in France?

Yes.

Oh.

He's broken down in France.

Yes, you have to have a high viz

if you break down in France.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the hoff is...

Do you know, I had a dream about

getting stopped or breaking down in France

and not having high viz,

and the whole dream was ever so practical.

I was trying to be resourceful,

and I found some really...

I went into the verge next to the motorway

and I found some yellow flowers.

And I made...

Wait, hang on.

And I made my own, basically, flower waistcoat.

And then the police let me off.

They're like, oh, yeah.

Because that was really bright.

So, yeah.

This was a dream.

Because honestly, this sounds like

something that you would have actually done.

Yeah, well, I broke down once.

I ran out of fuel many years ago

on a very busy dual carriageway.

And I told you, I had one of those

Strimmer-engined Go-peds in the boot

that I was testing from a magazine I was working on.

And I realised that had some fuel in,

but not enough to power a car.

So I just went down the hard shoulder flat out

on a Go-ped with a gallon can on my back.

I remember.

Yeah. The rucksack of petrol.

The rucksack of petrol.

Yes.

We were talking just before we came on about...

We were talking about Dill Danding.

We were talking about I'm Dill Danding,

the incredible Elton John lockdown version

of I'm Still Standing.

Yes.

Which you may have seen and enjoyed.

By a long way, the funniest thing you'll ever watch.

That's one of those ones I think I...

I need to sort of refresh and cleanse

and delight my brain by watching that

sort of once every three months, maybe.

Once every two weeks.

Oh, is it two weeks?

Are you on that side of the sofa?

Oh, yeah.

It's a bit, you know, your doctor can advise

on what dose of I'm Dill Danding you should have.

It's the way he...

For your mental health.

It's the way he stabs the piano keys

in that way of just fucking get it done.

Just get it done.

But we were talking before we came on as well

about how I don't think enough is made of the fact

that the Girls Are Loud song don't speak French.

They re-recorded it in French.

Really?

It was the B-side or the additional track on the CD single.

It's a great song.

So they didn't sort of do it belatedly.

They did it at the time and it was a bit like...

I can't just like the level of irony

just makes my brain fold in on itself like a burrito.

I can't, I just, and no one seems to mention it anymore.

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night

and think about it and just go, why did, I just...

But I don't know.

You know, we've had, we've had Halloween quite recently,

which I've got no interest in, but there's always horror films

where there's a thing at the end of your bed.

Yeah, you know, a ghost, phantom, you know, dead nun, something.

And I had another nightmare the other night,

but I kept waking up and believing that I was trapped

inside one of those steam-powered merry-go-rounds.

Again, to be clear, dream not reality.

Actual dream, yeah.

So you know those like galloping horses type carousels

with all the bright lights, lovely scroll work, etc, etc.

But in the middle is the organ, which is playing ever so loud,

quite annoying music.

Well, I dreamt I was trapped right next to that

and I couldn't get out.

And I couldn't get out.

And there's the small conductor.

Yes.

You know, the small conductor boy?

Freaky bastard.

Yeah, well, he was right next to my face

and I couldn't move any further back.

He was just invading my personal space.

I'm saying this out loud.

It sounds a little silly, but it was terrifying.

Yeah, I didn't get a great deal of sleep that night.

And it has a little conductor stick that was almost tapping my nose.

Is that was the fear of getting jabbed in the eye by a tiny conductor?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wearing those Victorian bloomer shorts things.

You know, Victorian boys look the same as Victorian girls.

They wear the same clothes.

I hear other podcasts that are sponsored

by those sort of like online mental health things.

And I sometimes feel we're a sitting duck for that.

And yet we never get the call.

Anyway, on that note, it's time to wrap things up, I'm afraid.

On that, is it?

Yes, it is.

On that note of things.

I've had the secret signal.

Oh, sugar.

I haven't even talked about my family guide to the internet.

Well, we'll talk about it another time.

But for now, we must leave you.

Before we go, three things I would like to share with you,

which I'm just going to look down here and remind myself of,

because I've totally forgotten them.

The first one is that Johnny is engaged in a remarkable project

to develop a new TV show, which invites the audience to vote

on the fate of the former lead singer of Merillion.

Your options will be, he can be interrogated intensely.

He can be made to get incredibly high on marijuana.

Or he can just be made fantastically weary by work

and the pressures of everyday life.

It's under the working title,

Would You Like Your Fish, Grilled, Baked, or Fried?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's silly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's silly bastard.

You're such a silly bastard.

If that's not to your taste, there is, of course,

always the late break show.

And if that's not to your taste, please go and buy my new book,

which is called Petrolhead and it's a compilation of my new,

my old Evo columns.

A second thing I wanted to say is a massive thank you to

everyone here for coming out this evening.

Yes.

A fantastic turnout and we really appreciate it.

It is wonderful.

Thank you also to Great Northern Classics for hosting us

and to Mark and Lisa, who some of you may have met,

who operate our merchandise stall and check tickets

and do all the stuff that we are absolutely illiquid.

We're in seals, unfortunately.

Because we're fuckwits.

Yeah.

And the third thing I wanted to tell you is,

well, Johnny, did you know that Uranus was discovered in Bath?

LAUGHTER

What?

The planet Uranus was discovered in the city of Bath Bath,

where I live.

Was it?

Yeah, I only found this out last week.

I've got this written down because I knew I wouldn't remember it.

But there was a guy called William Herschel,

who was a German-born astronomer and composer.

It was great in the olden days, wasn't it,

when you could have two magnificent jobs.

That's fantastic, yeah.

Instead of having to scratch around for one.

But he was the first person who realised that the light

that they could see inside through telescopes

wasn't a star or a comet and he did it all

from the back garden of his house on King Street in Bath.

Or Bath.

Or Bath, as he might have said,

because he was born in Germany.

You've just reminded me of...

I've been traumatised this week by too much talking about space.

LAUGHTER

Which is regular listeners to the podcast.

Again, if you are a mental health charity or online thing,

please get in touch.

We both need you, Andrew.

The problem is I don't care about space.

And my Spotify keeps...

If I pause, then I'm listening to a podcast

that I'm interested in.

When I un-paused it, it kept pushing in

Brian Cox's fucking chat about space.

And I'd never even chose it, ever.

It did it five times on a car journey.

Five times.

I'm going to have to rethink your Christmas present.

Would anyone like a signed photo of Tim Peake?

All right, well, anyway, look, that's quite enough from us,

but we will do this all again very soon.

Until then, goodbye.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Is there a way here today that you could show support?

Well, you could join our Patreon.

What wonders that it brings?

Burley shows and extra notes on that side of things.

You could buy our merchandise.

We've mugs and hats, but still no ties.

One day we will make those pies.

But in the meantime, guys, hey, guys.

Like and subscribe.

And maybe leave a nice review.

Like and subscribe.

We know you know just what to do.

Like and subscribe.

We don't want to take the piss.

Like and subscribe.

But we were told to ask for this.

Like and subscribe.

There's anyone been to one of these terrible evenings before?

Wow, if you just come to us for your money back.

Mijo, me asustaste, que se te quedó?

Nada abuelita, ya volví con las compras.

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Fácil, fui a Fred Meyer.

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