Ronnie Pickering's Picasso

I'm Jonny Smith. I'm its reporter.

And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many other things.

Urinal and anus.

My brother said to me the other day these words, and he said,

Why did Lamborghini combine those two words to make the euro?

And it's been staring at us in the face, but yet neither of us have clocked the fact that the euro is urinal and anus together.

And he's right, isn't he? He's bloody right.

Yes, he is right. This is the greatest deconstruction of a portmanteau since Fry and Laurie did dancer size.

It combines the word dance with the word circumcise.

But Eurus, yes, of course.

Why isn't your brother just doing this podcast?

I don't know.

I wish he would do stand up. I think if he ever got into a mindset where he could do it, I think he would conquer all.

He really would be brilliant.

In a way, it would be like introducing human silica gel into the room because he is one of the driest human beings ever to live, surely.

He is one of the driest people.

To the point where my son, Wesson, if we're having a family get together, we have one last weekend because my daughter finished her GCSEs and my niece finished her A-levels.

And Wesson was like, OK, but he always wants to know the facts, Wesson, like what we're eating and who's really coming.

And he said, OK, but is Uncle Greg coming? And I went, yeah.

And he went, good.

And I went, why did you say that? He goes, because he's the funniest man in the world.

And I went, yeah, he is actually.

But I said, but you must not always quote what he says because he's very offensive.

And, you know, to that end, we went to a small music festival, like type of thing in a local village.

Oh, right. As in the festival was quite small, not that the music was small, like people played on child's pianos and stuff.

No, it was, yeah, it was just a small festival, like a local art centre type rotary club thing.

And our own daughters asked us, me and my brother, to come with them and their friends.

And I have to say, I know it was great. I got really drunk, pleasantly drunk.

And Greg was just the social commentary coming out of Greg's mouth was just unrivaled to the point where, you know,

there's always one person dancing first. Yes. Right next to a live band. Yes.

Like almost point blank range dancing. Yes. And this guy, it was quite an old guy blessing wearing a captain's hat.

And I pointed at him and I said, I bet he, because there was a river nearby, I said, I bet he's got a narrow boat on the river.

So he's going to be at this festival having a whale of a time and then he's going to jump on his narrow boat.

And Greg said, yeah. But why is there is it? Why did he make his trousers out of a butcher's apron?

And it's true he had these trousers on, which looked like they made of those exactly like that apron material that butchers have.

And white stripes. Yes. But but looked industrially thick like almost sail canvas.

So they could be butcher trousers then maybe. I guess they could be actual butchery trousers.

I don't I've never looked at what official butchery trousers are like.

Maybe some butchers listening to this. I don't know. But the butchery trousers have like a sort of like a, you know, like a Kevlar front panel or something.

So that if the knife slips, you don't stab yourself through the thigh.

Well, yeah. Well, it certainly used to have very thick aprons for that, didn't they? For that reason.

Yeah, sometimes a chainmail glove on your non-dominant hand, non-dominant.

Yes. Yeah, because you're holding the like a joint of beef, whatever, and the knife would be in your dominant hand.

Yeah. So it reminds me that we were talking last week about words your parents would say in lieu of swear words.

Yeah. And particularly my mum always said sugar instead of shit.

It's still tickling me.

Someone messaged in, a couple of people he messaged in and pointed out there's an echo in the buddy man's song called Lips Like Sugar, which of course...

But it reminds me that when my brother was at primary school, his teacher was cutting some, actually it's sugar paper.

Again, let's not do this to converse on that one, but sugar paper.

But you remember primary school, there's always that very thick paper that you'd use for arts and crafts and whatever.

I love sugar paper. Sugar paper's good, isn't it?

Does it not exist outside of primary schools? Like nobody refers to sugar paper at any other point in life?

No. Do they? No, no, it's true. I wouldn't even know where to get it from because I assume you can only buy it if you're a legally registered primary school.

But yeah, my brother's teacher was cutting some sugar paper with a Stanley knife, which I'm not sure you'd be allowed to have in the classroom anymore.

But anyway, it was the 80s. And yeah, he was cutting the sugar paper with a Stanley knife, it slipped and he just stabbed the knife straight into his thigh.

And apparently he just went, oh, and then left the room.

And I just thought, the restraint not to go, fucking hell!

That's been incredible because it was a full trip to hospital job.

Yeah, yeah.

He could have cut an artery. It's quite serious.

Yeah.

Is it? Can I just ask though, did your respective daughters want you and your brother to be effectively their dates for the small music festival?

Because you would be able to buy them things.

There was definitely a financial incentive for them.

And I asked them after a while, I asked Ella, my niece, I said, why did you want us to come?

And she went, because you're funny.

And I went, oh, I said, but I'm also embarrassing, aren't I?

She went, yeah, but it's also funny, so it's fine.

And what was excellent is my brother agreed to go because he just wanted to hang out with...

You know, you get to a point where you know that your kids are imminently adults

and you just want to bond with them as much as possible.

What was great was my brother didn't look at the billing, had no idea who the bands were,

what sort of music was going to be played.

And the headline act was a madness tribute act and my brother absolutely hates madness.

He was sitting there with the company decider on the grass.

And when I told him this, he started laughing and they went, no, but seriously.

And I went, no, it's madness.

Did you not know?

I thought you knew.

And he went, what?

And he was smoldering for the next hour waiting for them to come on set.

But actually, I ended up having a really good time.

Although the front man of the faux madness, two things.

First thing was, I actually thought it was our friend Dave Vitti from the Adrian Flux

Fueling Around podcast and formerly Radio DJ.

He looked just like Dave Vitti.

I mean, just like him.

What's the point where you were going to go out to him and go, Dave?

Dave?

What's going on here?

I didn't know you did this.

It's like you've been the lead singer in a madness tribute.

Yeah.

Let me ask you this.

How jerky was he?

He was incredibly jerky.

Like he'd been licking no-volt batteries.

He was really...

I mean, because...

Or he had fire ads.

Watch a madness tribute band where the faux sucks wasn't jerky, would just not work.

No, no.

It wouldn't...

Like he was dancing like Brian Ferry, he'd be thrown out.

We're absolutely sure it wasn't Dave Vitti because...

I'm not sure.

It could be.

Yeah.

He could have a second life as a sucks impersonator.

Yeah.

Let's try and catch him out next time we see Dave.

Yeah.

Just get him to do something.

And if he does it in a really jerky way, then we'll know.

He is, in fact, has this secret covers band.

I was going to say, though, you know the...

You said about the first person up to dance.

Yes.

Things like that.

My daughter's school has a little summer kind of fair thing on a Friday night.

And they have the kids do little performances and stuff like that.

Then they have...

There's one of the dads who's a really good singer.

And so he comes on and sings some popular hits, but also gets mobbed by children while

he's doing it because he's not on a stage.

He's just sort of standing on a bit of playground.

Oh, great.

And there's a little kind of open-sided gazebo behind him with the audio equipment in it.

And he sings crowd-pleasing hits, but the kids come up and sometimes he encourages the

kids to come up and sort of do lines from songs.

But then sometimes they just come up anyway and just basically mob him.

It's a delight to watch, but I'm glad I'm not him because it looks quite stressful at the same time.

He's an excellent singer, though.

But then after that, there's a DJ on and they serve booze at this event because it's a fundraiser

for the school, so they go down to Costco or whatever and get a shed load of boozes in

and then they can make a bit of money for the school on it.

Yeah.

So by the time the DJ comes on, everybody might be a little bit drinky and always there

is somebody who goes up first to start the dancing when the DJ comes on.

I admire those people.

But what I think is always interesting about that, well, I do as well because I just couldn't do it.

No, I couldn't do it.

I mean, there's no amount of being boozed up that would get me up there.

I just somehow can't do it.

So I do admire them.

But at the same time, I always think if you go a bit too early and then nobody else joins in,

watching those people trying to work out if they can back out of the situation and therefore

leave the dance floor empty again, or they do that sort of like trying to catch people's

eye and they come on, come and join in.

And you just go, there's a moment where they just realize they are a lonely island of dancing

and it's like, I would love to come and help you.

But I'm not second on the dance floor either.

I'm very much sort of like into the high teens onto the dance floor really.

I am teens.

But what was great was we spent this early part of the festival discussing Ronnie Pickering

because we had to go into the Overspill car park because we turned up a bit late.

And there was only one car in the Overspill car park and it was a Citroen Picasso.

And it was the same color as the infamous Ronnie Pickering car,

the guy that went viral on the internet for being threatening.

And my kids really love the Ronnie Pickering sketch.

They think it's great.

It's not a sketch, it's real life, but you know what I mean.

And so when we saw the car, I pointed and went, oh, look, Ronnie Pickering's here.

And then Kitty May spent the next couple of hours pointing at various people at this festival going,

do you reckon that's, they're in the Ronnie Pickering car?

I don't know.

I'm not going to ask them.

So we still don't know who owns the Pickering Picasso.

Did it cross your mind very briefly that what if just before the madness tribute acts,

they just bring on Ronnie Pickering and he just does a bit of crowd work.

He encourages the crowd to shout, who?

And he has to go, Ronnie Pickering, over and over again.

That's his act.

I would love that.

I would absolutely love that.

Would it be fair to say that Ronnie Pickering's Citroen was sort of the same color as Ronnie Pickering's nose?

Definitely.

Do you remember he ebade his Citroen for charity?

Yes.

I think it was.

And I really wish I'd bought it looking ahead, looking into the future at you and I needing a tour vehicle.

Because don't get me wrong, I love the Eagle Quest, but I would absolutely love the Ronnie Pickering Picasso.

The Pickering Citroen, the Pickering Picasso.

Just thinking of it would be amazing.

I'd love it with a Ronnie Pickering racing stripe on it.

Look, I've got the internet here.

Let's have a look.

I've done a really in-depth search here.

I've typed in Ronnie Pickering Picasso.

Where is it?

It's in the hands of a private collector, apparently.

Yeah.

Well, can they connect?

Pickering auction to SignCar and eBay to raise money for the Love Life Foundation, a motor neurone disease charity.

And...

Can this private collector get in touch with us, please?

Wait a second.

Now, there's a Reddit post and this is from four years ago that says,

Unfortunately, it appears it's the end of Ronnie Pickering Citroen.

It's showing up as having no tax and the MOT expired.

But I suppose it could be tucked away.

It's just in storage, surely?

They've got the reg up here.

They've got the reg.

Can you say it?

Say the reg so that we can hunt it down.

I suppose, yeah.

What's up here?

Public domain, isn't it?

SB05 SKN.

Do you want me to do that like a police person?

I was about to say, can you do it like a police person?

Sierra Bravo, 05, Sierra Kilo, November.

I'm quite pleased I remembered all of this because quite often,

you know, when you're on the phone to like an insurance company,

they go, what's your reg and you have to go,

Spoon, ball bag,

Nights,

like as in...

What, guide a night?

Yes, like in a dark place.

Cynophone,

psoriasis.

Yes.

Hamster.

I totally forgot P once and just said penis.

And I got a laugh on the other end of the line,

but I felt a bit foolish because I was the one that volunteered

the police chat.

I got it wrong straight away.

I felt a bit partridge, actually.

I sometimes think that people don't want or need

the NATO alphabet, isn't it?

And when you do it, you feel like they think you're a knob,

but I always think it avoids doubt.

But I do it with my postcode all the time.

I do it with my postcode every time.

I've got it off pat with my postcode,

but it's like then people are a bit like,

alright, you're not a bloody pilot, calm down.

No, but you're not trying to be.

No, I'm just trying to avoid you accidentally sending stuff to the wrong place.

SB05 of SKN,

vehicle details could not be found on the DVLA.

That's not good, is it?

Because usually they linger.

A few listeners have never seen this clip.

I think it's over 10 years old now.

The Ronnie Pickering clip where he has a road rage situation

with a Ghana moped or a scooter.

And the scooter rider has a head cam,

which is where the footage comes from.

It is, I think it's hilarious.

It's also embarrassing, but yeah.

Well, it's a little snapshot of British life, isn't it?

Yeah, it is a little snapshot of British life.

Aggie middle-aged man in a practical citron.

Who thought he was some sort of fight boxing hero.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

They sort of call it main character syndrome these days, don't they?

But you might just call it self-centeredness or egotism.

The belief that you are, in fact, well-known locally.

Important.

Just the mere mention of your name should immediately ring a bell

with a stranger, but actually, no.

And then the indignant nature of his wife,

but he doesn't know who he is.

No, if I keep saying my name, you'll suddenly remember.

Oh, of course that Ronnie Pickering.

I do apologize.

It's coming up with no vehicle details on the MOT checker as well.

Oh, dear. Well...

Well, let's cast the net out to our audience

and see if someone can snuffle it out.

OK, well, once again, Sierra Bravo 05, Sierra Kilo November.

Maybe our friends at Car in Classic could help us,

because that brings me on to the chat about

what car I'm going to fictitiously buy you this week.

Oh, yes.

Of course, our friends at Car in Classic,

they proudly sponsored this podcast.

Thank you, guys. They've got auctions, hashtag auctions,

which you can look at this dozens that go live a day.

At any given time, there's something ridiculous

like 70,000 vehicles for sale

between the classifiers and the auctions,

which is fun to peruse,

especially when I'm fictitiously buying a car for you.

And I found a car for you this week, Richard.

I decided to go for something like,

imagine you are on holiday years ago,

probably on a Greek island or an Italian resort.

You want something that's nippy, characterful,

and fundamentally, here in the UK, we never got it.

So it feels a bit more exotic.

And I also know as a Metro helmsman

and someone that likes minis, it might chime with you.

I've just sent it to you. Have a effing look at this.

Oh, yes, it's an Auto Bianchi A112.

Yes.

I love these.

I do as well.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Aww.

Yeah.

But also, it's got a black bonnet and alloys

in the accepted sporty Italian car style.

And that's because it's an our bath version.

It's an our bath.

Oh, sir.

From 1985.

Is it nice?

It's so thoughtful, isn't it?

It's 12,990 euros.

And it's based in Moulin in France.

So yeah, it'd be nice to just go and fetch it

and drive it back whilst buying interesting wines.

So yeah, it's got 70 horsepower.

Yeah.

Which is a lot, I think.

In a car that won't weigh very much.

It will not weigh much at all.

This is delightful, but the white with a black bonnet

is absolutely classic.

It's also only got 48,000 kilometres on the clock.

So it's a pretty well-preserved example of the mark.

It is.

In fact, one might say an exquisite example of the mark.

But I genuinely love these.

I've never driven one.

I have never driven one either.

I've seen one being raced and it was actually last October

when I went to Malta, to the Malta Classic event.

And there was a guy who had a hill climb prepped one.

And it was so high-revving and really raspy and eager.

And this man was quite a large man.

He almost was half the size of the car.

It felt like he was putting the car on.

But he said it's so much fun to drive.

I've had it years.

And we were always championing on the hill climbs

that we went to.

We were like, come on, auto, Bianchi, come on.

And yeah, I think it looks ace.

Because from the back, you go, oh, hang on.

Is that a car I'm familiar with?

And then you work around it and go, no, I don't know what that is.

And we definitely can't get those in Britain.

So I think it's great.

It's got a very, because it's a sort of slightly later version

with the updated rear lights, which for some reason to me,

they just look very, very sort of fiat-y of the time.

They're a bit like the layout of where the indication

of the reversing lamp and stuff are.

Very much like the facelifted Strada of the 80s.

Very Strada.

It's got that kind of fiat look.

Very Strada.

Yeah, that's sweet, aren't they?

Have you seen the steering wheel?

Yes, it's good.

The steering wheel is good because it's simple two-spoker,

but metal spokes.

Yeah.

And then a nice sort of fat rim.

So yeah, I think it's one of those cars where I look at it

and go, I know how that sounds.

Yeah.

And raspy would be the word, wouldn't it?

Just that lovely little.

Yes.

It almost sounds too stroky at the high end of the rev range.

Yeah.

So these, this would be a fiat underneath

because it's bigger than the A, the little mini-based

or to be auntie's.

Yeah.

This would be a 127.

I want to say it's a fit 127.

Yes, I think so.

And they buy repute, you know,

lovely zesty car to drive.

So this will be fun.

Yeah.

And five-speed.

So back then, not a lot of those cars of that size

and that price point were five-speed.

This is five-speed.

We've never talked about Italian gearbox generosity, have we?

But I feel like throughout the ages,

the Italians have always been quick to offer more gears than anyone else.

Yes.

They were really quick on the uptake with the five-speed box

into the fairly ordinary cars.

And then of course in the 90s, everyone else was sort of just,

just kind of getting on board with five-speed.

But in basic cars, quite often still a four-speed in the entry level.

Yeah.

And Fiat rocked up with that Punto with the six-speed in it.

And just went, what?

That's a bit saucy, isn't it?

But yeah, so Italian gearbox generosity is a historical phenomenon.

I guess this ought to be actually kind of part of it.

Of course it's going to have a five-speed gearbox.

It's so true, isn't it?

I haven't thought of that.

This is an 85 cast.

This car is a year younger than my Metro Turbo.

And my Metro Turbo still has a four-speed box in it because

they couldn't get a five-speeder in those old Metro.

So yeah, this is fab.

Tell me, do you think the Italian gearbox generosity is linked

to the Italian restaurant generosity of you've eaten,

eaten well, you've paid the bill, and it's all really nice.

Then they bring out free shots of lemon chiller or something.

Yes, yes.

And they don't need to do that.

You've already eaten and pretty much paid.

You're happy, but they just want to make you even happier to go,

oh, before you go, have a tray of fruity shots.

How about that?

And that's always great.

I love that.

I personally love that.

Does anybody else love that?

I'm completely down with that.

I think I've also, I've been in an Italian restaurant where

they bring out the lemon chiller and you go,

oh, and if, because the manager or owner or whatever has seen

the delight with which it's been received,

that he's come back and given you a little top-up as well.

This really is beyond the pale now, but in a brilliant way.

I don't know.

We do have Italian listeners.

We've had messages from Italian listeners a few times.

So I'm curious if you are Italian.

Would you say that Italy is a very generous country?

We've just sort of not really acknowledged this.

Gearboxes, fruit-based after-dinner drinks.

I think they are.

And I would also, I would add to this,

not necessarily Italian, but any restaurant,

that when they bring the bill out,

you get some half-decent quality dark chocolate.

Ah.

Yes.

I'm down with that.

Minty, fine, plain old dark, nice little slab.

Oh, yes, please.

Thank you very much.

So when are we going to go to Moulin

to pick up your 1985 Auto Bianchi A112?

Well, what a lovely, lovely road trip that would be.

Perhaps you don't know where Moulin is,

but it's in France somewhere, so...

It's off of France.

I hope it's sort of down in the middle,

because, you know, it doesn't feel like

it's enough of a road trip if it's up the top.

No.

It's got a great bonnet scoop.

I've only just noticed that.

Oh, great news.

It is in the middle.

Yeah, I thought Moulin was in the middle, yeah.

It's what's it near other places, is where it's near.

Well, you're so good with your French geography, Rich.

Yes.

It's just in the middle.

I mean, the more you zoom out,

I was going to say it's near Dijon,

but it's not at all near Dijon.

It's just that's the nearest place that pops up.

Let's go.

I'll buy something.

You buy something.

Done.

It is.

300 kilometers from Paris.

Oh, that's nothing.

Almost directly south.

That's nothing, is it?

180 miles.

Yeah, that's...

Especially if you do it over a few nights

and enjoy some food with limoncello

and dark chocolate.

And passing Saint-Sère on the way.

Brilliant.

To stay there and have some crisp wine.

So crisp.

That's good.

I would do that.

Naturally, everybody.

You don't have to go on car and classic

just to buy auto obiances.

You can buy other cars and motorbikes as well.

So head to carandclassic.com.

Have a look at the auctions.

Have a look at the classifiers.

It is utter, utter car catnip.

Now, let me ask you something.

Yeah.

It's been extremely hot here in the UK.

Yes, sir.

Record breaking temperatures and all of that.

In fact, it's still quite warm here in my shed today.

And so I am wearing shorts.

And I don't think wearing shorts on camera

is a good look for a chap.

So I've put a plant in front of my legs

to hopefully on the video version of this podcast.

People can't see.

Just in case anyone's wondering.

Oh, I've got shorts on today.

Sorry, I'm wearing another pair.

I've just unwrapped them, actually.

Another stashed free pair of hotel slippers.

I've got one final pair left in the cellophane.

So I reckon that will do me until autumn.

They'll have to go on the blag again.

Anyway, my question is,

given the scorching temperatures this country has been experiencing.

Have you been using the air conditioning in your car?

Have I, hell?

What?

I...

No.

No, can't.

No, windows.

I drove the Renault 5 the other day.

All the windows down.

It was great.

I got a little bit of wind up the armpit.

You know, when you put your arm on the door, it was great.

Tesla windows.

I don't even know if the aircon works in the Tesla.

I genuinely don't know.

I've had it.

I've done about 25,000 miles.

I've got no clue whether it works.

I don't know.

Just genuinely don't care.

I know the heated seats work.

That's all that matters.

And then what else?

Oh, I've been in the Beetle quite a lot.

Yeah.

Which is a city on the drive right now, actually.

And the Beetle obviously doesn't have air conditioning.

But it has quarter lights, Richard.

Quarter lights, I know.

You see, in the absence of the air conditioning,

which of course was not mainstream for many, many years,

we relied on things like the peelback roof,

the vinyl roof, the Webasto, as some would call it,

and also the quarter windows or quarter lights.

I do love them.

They're especially useful when one fancies a cigar,

for example, or a cigarette.

And one doesn't want to fill the cabin with a ghastly smoke.

So we just simply crack open the quarter light

and it creates this gorgeous little venturi

and whisks the bad air away.

I do love it.

I used to use the quarter light for smoking

when I used to carry my friends' babies around.

And my grandmother, who had emphysema.

But I do love summer driving, Richard.

I really do.

I tend to drive a little slower.

As much as possible, the roof is back.

I have a friend with a gorgeous little roadster.

Gorgeous little roadster.

And drive past all the oil seed rate fields

and just immerse myself in all the smells of nature.

Yes.

Once I was...

I was actually driving and I forgot I was driving.

I went into a dream, a shamanic type state

and I closed my eyes on a particularly technical piece of road.

And the next I knew, I was in the fields

on which I was admiring the smell of

and the car was upside down.

And I think I was covered in paraffin.

A farmer came over and he said,

do you know, are you OK?

And I said, I think so.

And he offered me a cigarette,

which I politely accepted.

And then, unfortunately, I was badly burned.

But it's OK.

I rubbed a dock leaf on myself

and I was back at work on Tuesday.

Yes, different times, Richard.

Different times.

I've completely lost my train of thought now, I don't know.

I don't know what I was going to say.

Except that, yes, I think we have possibly touched on

before the fact that leather is actually

a slightly idiotic thing to upholster car seats with.

Oh, awful.

And in the hot weather, I've been particularly reminded of this

because I got into our Tesla the other day

and the seats, I know they're not real leather,

it's pleather, isn't it?

Pleather.

They were too hot to sit on.

It's just, it was ridiculous.

Yeah.

I had to sort of perch on the very leading edge of the seat

for the first few miles until,

and I was using the air conditioning,

until the aircon had taken a bit of the edge off the heat.

It's just, it's absurd.

I know one of the things you can do, obviously,

with a lot of EVs is tell the air conditioning

to start running before you get to the carpet.

Oh, yeah.

Thought of that.

And so, yeah, the seats were too hot to sit on.

I always forget about the app.

Yeah, in the winter, I'm all over the app

because you can defrost the car from the comfort of your kitchen.

But in the summer, it always slips my mind to sort of,

because also you can do that thing where you can just vent it.

It'll just drop all the windows, a tiny crack,

just to try and let some of the hot air out.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

I don't know if that works.

I like that.

But I sort of assume that the hot of the country

that a car is from,

the better they are at sorting out this stuff.

So, obviously, bits of America get very hot,

so you'd hope they'd be on top of that.

South of France gets hot, Spain.

We just need car canopies.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't know why more, in Britain,

we don't embrace the car port enough,

and that's really useful in winter to avoid frost,

but also when it's raining

and you just want to shield the car when you're getting in and out.

But also, in this kind of weather,

you have solar canopies in places like the Mediterranean,

which you can put solar panels on.

And I know it's very practical,

but it just makes sense.

You can keep the car out of direct light,

you could crack a window

so there's a bit of wind that blows underneath it.

Who needs car?

Brilliant.

And I'm a massive fan of that.

Oh, hey.

I know what I was going to talk about today.

I've just checked my notes that I quickly wrote down.

There's a couple of interesting anniversaries

over the last couple of days

since we've been recording this.

The Fast and Furious is 25th anniversary.

Oh, I saw this.

That was on the 22nd, wasn't it?

It was the anniversary of the release.

The release of the first film, is that right?

Yeah, that's right.

So that is 25 now.

And of course, we now know the massive influence of that film

and it opened up the world of cars

to a totally different generation

and the rise and rise of import culture, as Americans call it,

the sort of Japanese JDM type stuff and drifting

and just lots of chaotic stickers on cars

and chinspoilers that come off.

So, you know, that's been really good.

But not that car-based film was Jaws.

That was released 51 years ago.

So around about the same time, but 51.

Jaws released.

1976 was that then?

1975, wasn't it?

Sorry, you said 51, yeah.

Well, according to this, now this is because you forget

that this used to happen, that films were released

quite a bit later sometimes in the UK.

Apparently, Jaws was released in the UK

on Boxing Day, 1975.

Was it?

Yes, but in the US, it was released on June 20th.

So last week.

So it's the middle of summer.

Wow.

I was going to say, I mean, that sort of, you know,

it takes place in the summer in that beach town.

So that feels good.

Right, everyone had enough turkey.

Brilliant, let's go and see a shark attack film.

Boxing days are very...

Maybe that's because they knew that going into January,

which is typically gloomy,

people wanted a bit of excitement

and they'd all rush to the cinema in the cold,

terrible weather.

I suppose, yeah.

I just, I don't, I never quite understood

why there was sometimes such a lag,

because you ever have, when you're at school,

you ever like a mate who went to America on holiday

and they'd come back and they'd be very smug

because they'd seen the new Police Academy movie.

Oh, completely.

It wasn't going to be out for another month in the UK.

Yeah.

Da, da, da.

What a theme tune.

Talking of Police Academy, I think lots of, you know,

there was lots of people wearing shorts in Police Academy.

That's one of the things I remember as a kid.

I don't know why there's lots of shorts wearing,

which is quite apt because, you know,

it's a very hot week for us here in the UK.

And last week, I was at Milbrook Proving Ground,

which is called something else now.

I think it's called UTAC now, but it's...

What?

Yeah, it's called something different.

I'm just looking up.

I'm pretty sure it's called UTAC.

U, T, A, C.

Like BlueTac, but without the BL.

UTAC.

Yeah, here we go.

It's called UTAC.

I still call it Milbrook Proving Ground.

Yeah.

But anyway, it's where we obviously used to film

tons of fifth gear and we used to do magazine shoots there.

It's where Tiff Nadel, our Capaccio Jacketed friend,

set the fastest average speed in a road car

of 195 miles an hour in the McLaren F1.

Yes.

And it's where, in Casino Royale, the Bond film,

there was that huge barrel roll that became a world record

with the DBS.

Yes.

That stuntiness was performed at this place.

So, yeah, it's steeped in history with General Motors,

which is who built it.

Yeah.

In the 60s.

60s.

So that Vauxhall had so many test cars.

Quite a lot of...

There's quite a spendy thing to do.

Really spendy thing to do.

But I suppose at that point, Vauxhall had a great deal

of independence from every other bit of the GM Empire,

didn't I suppose?

They were just sort of getting on with their own stuff

and they had their own R&D place and their own

styling studio in Luton.

And they just went, yeah, we'd like a test track, please.

With an enormous high-speed bowl and GM went,

sure, here, have some money.

And then, you know, by the 70s,

they were sort of merging more and more

of Vauxhall and Opel's R&D operations

and eventually it all sort of went to Germany.

So, yeah, Milbrook was still used quite a lot.

But, you know, it didn't...

It had a weird history because then GM bought Lotus

and sort of, I think, officially transferred

Milbrook onto Lotus for a bit.

Really?

That's a lot of testing tracks for a small car.

I mean, it's a 700-acre site,

which I'd forgotten how enormous it was.

I think it's probably some weird accountancy thing

rather than...

Because I'm pretty sure the number of...

I haven't been to Milbrook as many times as you,

but the times that I have been there,

you always just used to see, you know,

like a Vectra just plodding around the high-speed bowl.

It was probably doing some, you know,

like ECU calibration testing or something

really sort of, you know, that needs to be done,

but it's not the sexy end of car testing.

It's not like on-limit handling calibration.

It's just... could you keep to a steady 56?

The kerb strike was always my favourite thing to watch.

It was a very bored-looking guy or lady

on full-lock driving a car.

It's often a car that wasn't even for the UK market.

It was for Europe or China or America.

And they were going up and down a European driveway

and then an American driveway

and had different types of kerbs.

And the American driveway...

They're amazing, aren't they?

What's it about?

I still don't understand the aggression of them.

Unnecessary aggression.

Is it because they're worried that if there's a flood,

as happened here the other day when there was a storm,

it was a really intense summer storm

and local roads flooded and shops flooded and all sorts.

It was quite mad.

But I guess is there a worry that in some parts of the US

that flash flood may occur

and you want your house, the houses are built slightly above the street.

I don't know, but it costs you more in damaged bumpers

and suspension over the course of the life of the house.

Particularly if you drive some kind of Euro car

and they haven't paid a visit to Milbrook

where they have the reconstructed simulations of an American driveway

that you can drive up to see how much your chin spoiler grates horribly again.

I just feel so sorry for all the cars that have to put up with it.

Do they have Belgian pave at Milbrook?

I don't think I've ever seen it.

They've definitely got it at Myra and a couple of the other places.

They do a lot of military testing,

what they did do at Myra,

so they've got bomb holes and they've got tank trap type things

and their off road section is really comprehensive.

I actually did some off roading in a Defender when I was there.

I realised, you're a Defender pilot, this is not news to you,

but the one I was in, the handbrake is underneath your left leg

and it comes out at an angle like a dick out of sports shorts.

Painting pictures with words, I mean, yes.

That's true though.

Why does it come out at such a strange angle?

It looks so...

I think it is a strange angle.

Well, this one did, unless someone had bent it.

I think it might have been broken.

It's there, I think, because it works on the prop shaft.

So it sort of sits effectively on a sort of half bulkhead.

The box that the driver's seat is on, it's bolted to that.

But yeah, I don't know, it's never occurred to me that it's weird.

It's just sort of where it is in that car.

I love the off road track.

It's so brutal in places.

Anyway, so you were at Millbrook last week?

I was there last week.

Did you get to drive around it?

I didn't do the...

I was hosting an event there, an insurance event,

so I was like the anchor.

I didn't get a chance to go out on the bowl.

I did regale the story about Jason Plato

with cruise control on in the Faton

and climbing out of the driving seat

and sitting in the back at 150.

That wasn't funny.

I remember how unfunny that was at the time.

Now we can laugh about it.

I don't think I'm dobbling anyone in it

because they've told this story,

at least one of them has told this story publicly,

that the former auto car journalists

Steve Sutcliffe and Colin Goodwin did the same.

For people who don't know, there's a zero steer speed,

isn't there, on those high speed bowls,

as if there is a precise speed

at which you can take your hands off the wheel

and though the car is sort of technically

going around a constant radius corner,

you can in fact just take your hands off the wheel

and it just tracks perfectly within its lane.

It really does, but a crosswind could happen.

But Goodwin and Sutcliffe put this cruise control on

in, I think, a Bentley of some sort,

and then both got in the back.

And then, for whatever reason,

the cruise control disengaged itself

and apparently you've never seen two grown men

so desperately trying to get back into the front seat of a car.

Because of course, as soon as the speed starts dropping,

the car is no longer tracking straight and true.

It is in fact heading...

Inwards.

It would head down, wouldn't it?

It would head down the bowl

and it would be sort of heading to the infield,

which would be quite bad.

Yeah.

When I was once doing...

I was a guest...

This is a weird job, Boz.

I was a guest pundit on this...

I can't remember if it was a Channel 4 or a Channel 5 show.

It feels like a Channel 5 kind of thing.

Called, I think, Pub Ammo.

It was quite a neat idea for a show.

This was in the 2000s when such things were still sort of like,

you know, it felt like it fitted into the whole

kind of world of nuts magazine and things

that basically they just sort of...

It's quite blokey.

And the presenters would kind of go,

hey, here's one for you.

What do you think is, I don't know,

the strongest animal?

Is it a badger or a monkey?

And then...

I mean, they didn't actually do this

where they'd fight animals.

But one of them was,

which is the fastest white van?

Oh, okay.

So...

They assembled a load of vans at Milbrook

and then they got a driver,

a pro driver to lap them as fast as he could

to see which one was the fastest.

And I was the professional pundit

standing with...

I can't remember the name,

there's a woman who presented some of their VTs

and I stood with her watching this and going,

well, that's a good showing for the transit there,

as you'd expect for what they do with vans.

It was all wonderful bollocks.

But when you're filming at Milbrook, as you know,

you're supposed to have like a minder with you, aren't you?

So you don't accidentally film a secret car on test.

That's right.

Or a home of his best.

This was...

Yes.

I think this was the first time I'd ever been to Milbrook.

So we had to go to the briefing

where you went,

you do not take pictures of any other cars,

you do not film other cars,

you know, they give you the real kind of like,

put the frighteners up you.

Oh, they do.

Yeah, they're serious, these guys.

Yeah.

Well, it's their livelihood, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, you are.

Because that's the thing,

at that point Milbrook had become

an independent test facility,

so they would rent it out to whoever needed it.

And if you are, whoever it is,

whether it be, you know,

because I think a lot of manufacturers from overseas

do still use it,

because there aren't that many high-speed bowls around.

Yeah, while we were there,

there was an Aston,

one of those really intense Aston's,

was it the Valerie or something?

That was howling around when we were there.

Yeah.

With some camo on.

Or maybe it was just a mule,

a test mule car.

But yeah, there's always stuff.

You have everything at Milbrook,

from military, like mad military vehicles,

full of dummies to weighted dummies.

We used to see armored personnel carriers

doing all kinds of weird stuff,

bus, hydrogen buses,

stuff that hadn't come out yet,

and lots of rabbits.

You'd see a lot of rabbits.

On tests?

Well, no, they weren't testing.

They were updating the rabbits.

No, but see, that was the thing that

entered my mind when Plato got out

of the fate on cruise control.

I trusted the car,

and I knew that the steering wouldn't change.

However, if a rabbit ran out in front of us,

which is likely,

there would just be a tiny bit of deflection

that would cause...

A tiny bit of deflection,

or even autonomous emergency braking,

which I think the fate on might have had

at that era as a second generation of fate on.

I can't remember.

Anyway, I was just really worried.

Because I remember the story.

You know, Martin Brundle

lapped the XJ220

at Nardo in the south of Italy

to try and get it beyond its claim

220 mile an hour top speed, I think.

There was a story about it in Car Magazine.

There's two things I remember about that story.

One, that at very high speeds for sustained periods,

the bonnet was actually pushed

back and up on its latch and its hinges,

because there's a sustained amount of air pressure on it,

which is, you know, a design factor

they hadn't considered when they'd been developing.

But, yeah, there's so much pressure on it.

It was gradually pushed,

so it became proud at its rear edge,

where the hinges were distorting.

But the other thing I remember,

which I thought was just terrifying and fascinating,

is that Nardo is obviously a lot bigger than Milbrook,

so it's a longer time to go round.

But on one lap round at high speed,

a snake was slithering across the track

and the car went over it.

No harm done except to the snake.

What, yes.

But then the concern was,

on your next lap around,

birds will be trying to feed off the bits of snake.

Oh, the carrion.

Yeah, the carrion,

and you could clobber a massive crow

or some other, you know, sort of large carrion favourite.

Yeah, and that you do not want to smack a crow

at 220 miles an hour.

And so it was a real concern

that the snake, no problem,

but the aftermath of the snake

was what would cause an issue.

And I was just like,

that would never have occurred to me,

but Jesus, what a thing to happen.

I was going to say,

when they put the frighteners up at Milbrook and went,

do not look at anything else, basically.

We then went out with our designated minder

and we were standing above the bowl,

waiting for the first fan to come around.

And there was a Renault Sport McGann going round,

which was at that point not announced.

You know, the big bum McGann.

My favourite.

Kind of interesting to me

that one of those was testing in the UK.

I wonder if, you know,

one of the UK-based engineering companies like Ricardo

or someone was doing some consultancy on that car.

But anyway, this McGann was going round.

It was very loud,

and it was, you know, in the top lane,

really whipping it around there.

And as it went past us,

you know, you sort of get a blast of air as it went by,

even from way back behind the Armco.

Our security minder went, bloody hell, look at that!

And I was a bit like,

aren't you supposed to be discouraging us

from looking at other things?

He was not brilliant at his job.

But it was quite interesting.

I also saw that day,

they were testing the V8-powered MGZ-T there as well.

Oh, that? OK, that's...

The big wide-arch body kit on it,

and that was quite cool to see.

That is cool. But I didn't look at it.

No, you didn't look at it. Definitely didn't look at it.

And lots of people say to me,

oh, would you ever emigrate?

And most of the time, the answer is no.

I've enjoyed travelling,

and I do enjoy going to other countries

and experiencing other cultures,

but I don't think I would ever leave.

And it'd be primarily, if I was going to emigrate,

do you know what would be at the top of my list of things

to check first, apart from

can I afford it and will they let me in?

Do you know what the genre would be?

I wouldn't dare guess. Go on.

Average wind speed.

Right. OK.

Because I hate the wind, it's shit.

Yeah, the winds are dick.

I think we agree with that.

So, right.

But you imagine moving to a place

which you assume is going to be perfect.

You've done so much homework,

and you realise the one thing

that just constantly

jabs you and denies you

is the fact that it's just a little bit too windy

or unpredictably windy.

You'd move back.

Therefore saying Chicago is off your list

of places to emigrate to

because of its nickname.

I don't think, I could be getting this wrong,

but I don't think that that nickname

comes from actual wind.

I think it's something to do with, like,

you know, being a windbag.

I'm sure there's something with, like,

some politician who is a bit of a blowhard.

Oh, really?

American listeners, if you're in Chicago,

correct me on this, but I don't think

that the windy city is so-called

because it is notably more windy

than other major US cities.

I could be wrong there, but please,

write in and correct us.

So, yeah, that's, so there's that?

I suppose, yeah, some places are naturally

windier, like the coast.

Yeah.

But wind is also, you know,

there are some cities that feel very windy

because it's just like the way that the buildings

have been arranged sort of seems to create wind tunnels.

That's right.

New York can be very windy.

Manhattan, especially, because obviously

it's a peninsula, isn't it,

with skyscrapers.

So, yeah, you do get that.

I'm trying to think of the windiest place I've ever been.

And I can't...

Norfolk's quite windy.

Yeah, this country can be very windy.

I know what you mean.

Sometimes the wind is just an absolute asshole.

Have you ever found yourself just shouting

fuck off at the wind?

Oh, I do it regularly when we're filming

like break show stuff.

Honestly, I worry that it's getting worse with age.

That I will shake my fist at the sky

and go, can you just piss off wind?

Yeah.

Yeah, I hate the wind.

I mean, I've told Rain

to piss off as well.

It's such a sort of ineffectual thing because

it makes no difference whatsoever.

No, the wind doesn't care about me.

But the other thing was

is while I was doing this insurance event

it occurred to me

because, you know, of course, insurance is based

upon statistics

and likelihoods,

probability. That is what it is.

And it's one of those things where you think it's quite

a dry subject on the surface.

But actually, I'm quite interested

in how they

actually devise insurance policies

and risk and

what they take on and what they won't take on

and all that stuff. I won't go into it

because I'm not intelligent enough.

But one thing that I wanted to put to them

and I thought I'd save it for this here

podcast, like I'll put it to you now,

is

could we have

cheaper car insurance

if the car is

colourful?

And the reason for this

Oh. Yeah.

Could we prove scientifically

that having a brighter car

means it's

therefore more visible and that means it's less

likely to be hit by

other people because it's very clearly visible.

Are we

certain that insurance companies aren't already

factoring this in because they should

know the colour of your car from the reg?

Yeah, they should.

I wonder if it does make a difference, like

Is that part of their Alangarithm these days?

Well, so if I painted

my Tesla yellow tomorrow

would it save me

30 quid a year or?

Well, you'd have to declare it to the DVLA, wouldn't you?

Yeah. It's a colour change. Yeah.

And then it would go on to the database that would allow

the insurance people to see that it's yellow and yeah, if they went

Oh.

Interesting. You could, I wonder if you could do this by running

two quotes. Yeah.

I'd love to do this.

For identical cars, but one is

bright coloured and one is black or grey or

see if anything different came up with every

other detail was exactly the same.

I mean, if anyone is in the insurance industry and can reveal

if this is okay. I don't know that it is. I'm just

wondering if they have that sort of power at their hands

and obviously you're right. Of course they have the power.

The insurance is based on risk factors, isn't it?

So they would want to see all of the available risk factors.

But then from a marketing perspective

said insurers

could turn this around and say

if you buy more colourful cars

they will be

safer and cheaper to ensure

and thus we break

the cycle of people buying such

boring coloured cars at the moment

and try and turn this ship around

so instead of ordering your

I don't know absolutely hideous looking

two series BMW or X4

in black or grey

you could actually buy that car in electric

blue or

burnt orange or

but funnily enough, I do see quite a lot of those

horrid two series saloons

in a sort of kingfishery blue

Yeah, you do actually

That doesn't know what it does seem to get.

They are not. I don't think

compared to a standard

A3 hatchback

often tends to be

quite a sort of

from a monochrome

palette. What I'm thinking is

we inadvertently

penalise the Soviet

palette colour palette

Soviets. Well that's what I'm calling it

because it's just

really annoying, especially in Britain

where we don't have

enough bright weather. It's just lovely

to see cars out and about

that are of

untrusting shoes

and I think we should do more of it

so imagine if we could

if insurers got behind this to be golden

marketing gold for

these guys. Would it not?

And actually gold, there you go, gold

My Avenger is yellow

gold and it looks spectacular

and my Chevrolet Impala is champagne

gold with a white roof and it looks

spectacular, I think

The probability

of incident kind of

way the insurance worked

My brother had real experience

of this because he bought, many years ago

he bought a

Golf TDI

130

and

when he got his insurance documents

through it said on it

TDI 150, do you remember

that more powerful one came out? I do

and he was a bit like, oh well now

hang on a sec, they think

I've got the more powerful Golf, I'm going to tell them

my insurance

surely will go down a bit, I'm paying too much

because I think I've got the more powerful

therefore more risky car

so he contacted them, they went oh yes 130

yes sorry, there's a mistake at R&D

yes okay, so you owe us

more money

because the 150

was quite a rare model, so statistically

it was involved in a lot fewer accidents

than the fairly ubiquitous 130

so if he kept his trap shut

I suppose that would have been

insurance fraud but he didn't

it was an honest mistake and their mistake

but yeah, the more powerful car

was actually

cheaper to ensure just because

probability of it being in a crash was I suppose

lower by dint of just numbers

well and this is why doing your

homework before you buy the car can sometimes

pay dividends because he could have bought

a TDI 150 if he could have afforded it

if it was

well yeah, that's the thing, you sort of assume more power equals more insurance cost

but not necessarily

on that strangely sensible note we should

bring this into land

before we do

as usual, I have three things I'd like to share with you

the first is of course that Johnny has a solo YouTube channel

called The Late Break Show

do you remember what's on it?

well there's two videos

out this week

one of them which has already come out

will be the second part

of my Carl Cox chat

where we actually sit down and do an idle chat

and I think you will particularly

enjoy this one because he talks about MG

Maestros and Rover Estee Ones

and what else

what other cars that you would dig

oh and a Jag, he remembers buying a Jag XJR

the supercharged straight 6 one

he was waxing lyrical about that

I'd love

to first

when you were chatting with his actual cars

or some of his actual cars

I mean

you'd said to me oh he's a real car nerd

but he just

does that sort of effortlessly

just work again

within the first five minutes of that vid he said transverse engine

I was just a bit like

just never imagined that

the godfather of

modern DJing

would just so effortlessly say

transverse engine in a way

that's just part of his normal everyday language

it's delightful so yes

it's hard recommend for the

Carl Cox vid on the late break show

oh thank you

second thing I could say is

I have various books out one of them is called Petrolhead

it's a compilation of some of my Evo columns

from the past 20 odd years

get it on Amazon as an e-book

or the paperback is available

from the Smith & Sniff merch

shopsmithsniff.com

where you can also buy

t-shirts and stickers

and mugs and there's a live shows page

we can see details of where we're going to be

Festival of the Unexceptional is the next one

oh yeah

in August

we're going to confirm more details on this soon

but in August we are going to be in the United States of the Americas

doing something

with our friends at the smoking tire

oh my gosh big reveal Richard

big reveal

well because Matt mentioned it on their podcast

the other week like last week I think

and I didn't know he's going to do that

but it is all happening

I think we are going to be there special guests at a live show

in California in August

and then in September we're going to be in Stanford in Lincolnshire

some sort of homecoming show for you

so yeah

but the tickets aren't on sale for either of those yet

they will be very very soon

and the third thing

is something I saw on social media last week

which I thought was brilliant

and this was confirmed as a fact

by Tim Burgess himself

the charlatans

were given £20,000

by their record company to make a video

for their song North Country Boy

rather than

plan something really complicated

elaborate and expensive they just used the 20 grand

to all go to New York

they filmed themselves walking around the streets

of New York at night a little bit

and they just had a really nice weekend away

and that's the video for North Country Boy

cheap

but a lovely holiday behind it

and the fourth thing is

that I wanted to say

last week was

Michelle Mouton's 75th

birthday

World Rally

I think is she still

the only lady

to have

conquered World Rally

and that was 1982

that she won

yeah I think probably

still the most successful

yeah

I don't know

in terms of getting a driver at a works team

and then being

consistent

but yeah she still

definitely has a significant

place in history

to me the coolest woman in motorsport

yeah yeah

the latest happy birthday to Michelle Mouton

yeah and if Michelle's listening

I'd love to interview you one day

because just you and the Quattro

in the early 80s

awesome combination

cool alright well there we go Michelle

if you're listening get in touch hello at smithasniff.com

she's totally listening

she might be we had an email from

Gerard Lopez the other day

after mentioning him so

people who should have better things to do

do you listen to this podcast

did we really get an email from Gerard Lopez

well yeah I think it's

really him it sort of checks out

anyway we'll come back to that

for now thank you ever so much for listening

we're back on Friday with a Q&A show

and then a normal show the following Monday again

until then goodbye

cheers mate thanks mate bye then

you

I can't subscribe

bye

you do not want to smack a crow

at 220 miles an hour

and so it is a real concern

that the snake no problem but the aftermath

of the snake was what would cause an issue

and I was just like

that would never have occurred to me but Jesus what a

what a thing to happen that's

Ronnie Pickering's Picasso

About this episode

Lamborghini Urus

Citroën Xsara Picasso

Autobianchi A112 Abarth

Renault 5

quarter lights

Millbrook Proving Ground

Mclaren F1

Volkswagen Phaeton

Jaguar XJ220

Renault Sport

BMW Series Bmw

Dodge Avenger

Chevrolet Impala

Rover SD1

Michèle Mouton

Audi Quattro

Car Lamborghini Urus

Car Citroën Xsara Picasso

Car Autobianchi A112 Abarth

Car Renault 5

Part quarter lights

Place Millbrook Proving Ground

Car Mclaren F1

Car Volkswagen Phaeton

Car Jaguar XJ220

Car Renault Sport

Car BMW Series Bmw

Car Dodge Avenger

Car Chevrolet Impala

Car Rover SD1

Person Michèle Mouton

Car Audi Quattro

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