Cars and coughing

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I'm Jonny Smith.

I'm your reporter.

And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast on which two friends talk about cars and many other things.

Well, what about if you had to choose cars or coffee?

No one ever brings that up, do they?

So you arrive and then either you can get out of your car and go into the coffee shop

and then you're locked in there and you're not allowed to look at cars or talk about them.

Or you can stay outside, chat about cars,

but if you ask for a coffee, you're very aggressively told no.

Yeah, or, this is the third option, you turn up to the cars and coffee in your car,

but if you have a coffee, you have to walk home.

A bit like if you get drunk and you've driven to the pub,

you get your keys taken away and you have to just think about...

Have a think about what you've done and get a taxi home.

But then what happens to your car?

Is it crushed or is it just kept?

And the next event, someone turns up on foot and they go,

do you want a coffee?

No, I'll have a car, actually, please.

And they get given your car because they chose car, not coffee.

Gosh, this has immediately gotten very complicated.

I hadn't thought through the mechanics of it.

Do you want a car or do you want a coffee?

Yes or no?

Well, that's the thing.

Sometimes you really want a coffee, but would you give up your car for a cup of coffee?

I suppose you could buy like a scrap car and turn up in that and just...

But then it's still going to have cost you some money more than a cup of coffee.

Oh no, what it could be?

It could be like those phone booths that have turned into the little book clubs in villages.

And so that's what cars or coffee becomes.

You turn up in a car and it's an exchange system.

You just go, right, I've turned up in my car.

It's a lovely Lotus Exige, but I do want a coffee,

which means I'm going to give over the keys to my Exige for the next couple of weeks

and someone will borrow it and not drink coffee.

And then they've got to give their car up at some point, or they already have.

I don't know because I haven't thought through this fucking system.

And so there we go.

It's like a merry-go-round of either caffeine or a mixture of cars.

Okay, yeah.

Do you think we're onto something here?

I'm not sure that we are, but...

Or cars and soft drinks.

Cars and cola.

That's specific, though, is it?

Yeah, quite like that.

Specific.

How about cars and collagen?

You turn up and you have a co-lab with a collagen tablet manufacturer, I suppose.

Yes.

Am I bewildering you, Rich?

I just sense that I'm bewildering you.

A little bit.

Yeah.

Do you feel like this is some sort of fever dream?

What about cars and coughing?

Cars and coughing.

Like a lip.

Cars and coughing.

You must have a chest infection if you want to come down and have a look

at this lovely collection of historic glancius that we've assembled.

Yes, cars and...

I'm going to turn up in my...

It's true.

So all the people who are ill grouped together, I'm going to turn up in a TVR

and I'm going to talk all about how I came to own it,

but I'm going to breathe and cough at you.

Yes.

Very claggy throats.

Lots of claggy throats.

Yes, very claggy throats.

Yeah.

Cars and coughs.

She goes, oh, I see that you've come in here and offered me a Montreal.

Is that the...

There's a fiat in this.

I'm fioriating, actually, that I think about.

I just don't want to go to this either.

It's to be annoying.

Cough up a bit of phlegm onto your jacket and you go, sorry about that.

I'm so sorry.

You've got the little white bits in the corner of your mouth.

I'd have to suggest this to Lewis and James at Ignition Cars and Coffee.

Oh, I'm sure they'll go for it straight away.

They'll think it's a great idea.

Where I keep my cars.

What about cars and coffee in which you turn up and whatever you turn up in is appraised

by that bearded man off all top gear in the 80s?

Richard, out of all these shit ideas, that's a good one.

Why is he not doing that?

Why is Chris Goffey not running regular cars and coffee events?

And it's just him going, hi, welcome.

Hang on, stop telling people great ideas.

We could do this.

Smith and sniff does cars and coffee.

Shit, yes.

I'm warming to this one, but anyway.

I am.

Can we make a few calls immediately after this podcast so that we...

What if Chris doesn't want to do it, though?

Could we get his son Danny Goffey who is out of Supergrass to do it instead?

Well, what about any other members of the Goffey family who may or may not have

an interest in cars, just cars and coffees?

Just go, hey, who are you?

I'm actually Danny's daughter.

Do you like cars?

Not really.

Well, do you want to stand around with some blokes with rally jackets on and stuff?

Maybe a bit of spittle and talk about heavy breathing Audi TTs and stuff?

No?

Not really?

Oh, OK.

That's a shame.

What about the MP, Theresa Coffey?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know why the appeal would be there.

I mean, yes, cars and coffee.

And you turn up and it's just that woman who used to be in the government.

I think it's a great idea.

It's probably not just interesting cars anyway.

You should just go, what's that?

Well, it's an LP and A110.

Is it?

Well, if we...

We have still got the Eagle Quest and we do know that that is ex funereal and...

Yes.

I've been trying to pressurize you and some others about considering this Rover 75 Hertz.

We could call...

And some others.

Who else have you been...

Just other people.

But imagine if we did cars and coffins.

It's only funereal cars.

Oh, yes.

It could be great, couldn't it?

Yes.

Custom vehicles, welcome.

Yeah, I just think it could be lovely.

Slightly odd, but also lovely.

Well, it's certainly added to the list.

OK.

I was about to suggest something else, but I realized it may not work for one very important

reason, which is cars and Kofi in which the former heads of the UN appraises your car.

But I think Kofi and Anne is dead, so that's not going to work.

We have someone else called Kofi, but I would say he is the most famous Kofi.

Well, look, let me change the subject to something a little bit more normal.

Have you ever been a foot passenger on a ferry, cross channel ferry?

Oh, on a cross channel ferry?

No, I don't think I have.

Well, this week I experienced what it was like to drive across to France,

but then immediately get back on the ferry as a foot passenger.

What?

And do everything as a pedestrian.

Hang on, have you left another car in a place that's only accessible by boat?

Yes, I've done it again.

This time it was strategic.

Right.

Hi, I'm Johnny Smith.

This week I'm going to leave one of my cars in Sweden.

Well, you're not that far off, actually, Richard.

I can't reveal exactly where the Boxster has gone.

That's for content on YouTube.

But I drove my box over to Calais, where it was a rendezvoused with a

transporter company who were taking it to a place for it to have some stuff done.

Let's call it a major transformation if you're going to be click baity about it.

Anyway, I'd arranged this largely because of Brexit.

They said it's a lot easier to drop it off in Calais than it is for us to come and get it.

I went, OK, well, do you know how cheap it is to be a foot passenger on a ferry?

I do not.

Really cheap, £33.

Oh, OK.

Although you can fly, I don't know, to the Maldives for that 12 quid these days.

So I don't read, but hey.

Yeah, when I flew to Glasgow, when we did our gig up there, if I'd booked it a week earlier,

when I first checked the flight prices, it would have been £15.

Now, I then got the train from Glasgow down to London, and that was a lot more than £15.

So it was cheaper to fly.

It doesn't make any sense.

Surely the maintenance on a plane is higher than a train.

And the train carries more people.

It just makes no sense.

Anyway, so how much was your car trip to France?

So I got on as a foot passenger at, off of Calais, and you go into this kind of building

that's like a holding area, and it just so happens to have a pair of biplanes in it

from World War One, just outside the toilets.

So I'm looking around there.

I've got some time to kill, and I've just got a rucksack and a flask.

But I notice I recognise some people from the ferry on the way over.

And I thought, oh, that's interesting.

There was one guy who was a bit of a nonstop smoker.

And he, he was on his way back immediately after the ferry docked.

So I'm like, hang on a minute, am I with like a gang of people who are trafficking stuff?

And I started to get a bit paranoid because I thought, does it look dodgy that I've left

the box to somewhere, and then I've immediately coming back on foot, you know,

within an hour or whatever it was within an hour and a half.

Yeah, do you think you've been flagged?

Yeah, I thought these people are savvy.

There's been lots of human trafficking and refugee related complications.

So what the hell?

Okay, I started to get a bit paranoid.

While I was waiting, looking at these big World War One biplanes and marvelling at that,

I, I, I needed some extra drinking water.

So I went over to the reception lady and I said, held up my water bottle,

Smith and sniff water bottle actually, and said, if you got a, is there a, is there a fountain?

And she just, she said, I love the way she said it as well.

She pointed to where the toilets were and she said, the toilet water is good.

And I thought, what a quote.

Anyway, I went through so many different pat downs to get on the ferry,

which you don't do when you're in a car, obviously.

No.

It's just strange.

I had, you have to go through it like airport security and you get herded and herded and herded,

and you're not allowed to walk anyway.

You have to go on lots of short, boring bus journeys.

But when we eventually got through, got on the ferry,

loads of school kids running around and loads of snoring truck drivers.

And then when we got off the ferry, we had to wait for everybody to get off in a car.

So you're absolutely second, second rate citizen if you're a pedestrian foot passenger.

So we had to wait some like 45 minutes or so for every truck and every car to disembark.

That's just tedious.

Isn't it?

And then you get on, they won't let you walk off the ferry.

They, they have to get a bus onto the ferry for you to get onto the bus to be escorted off.

What?

And the listeners who have been to Dover, you know what the Dover port looks like.

It's obviously a long line of trucks going round by the cliffs.

Well, when you get off and you eventually get off this bus, you just left.

And I was like, I had to find the train station.

The train station's like 1.8 miles away from where you get dropped off.

So I'm like, oh, okay, I'll go for a walk.

Anyway, I was with these other guys who were on the trip over.

And one of them noticed that I was just looking around trying to work out how the hell to get

out of this port area and into actual Dover.

And he said, oh, which this way, if you're looking for the train station,

so I am looking for the train station.

Actually, as we were walking, sort of, you know, when you walk at a similar pace to somebody,

a stranger, and it's awkward because you don't want to look like you're following them.

No, you have to pick one to see if that will slow down.

You do.

It's a bit like cruise control when you're matching and it's a bit awkward with somebody else.

I had it the other day where I was walking behind a lady just down a normal street.

And I thought, she's going a bit slow for me.

I'm going to go for the overtake, but it's quite a narrow pavement.

I have to stay out of the road.

And then she was actually walking a bit more quickly than I possibly thought.

And it feels like you're hitting the top of the rev ranges.

You're trying to go past.

You're like, I might have to break into a run here to make this clean overtake.

Otherwise, we are just walking.

It's like two lorries on a dual carriageway.

Laurie pulls out and tries to overtake, but they're both basically sitting on the limiter.

And it takes about 90 minutes for one to go past the other.

I was in that sort of situation where I was like, I'm going to have to really up my game here.

And let's go into an unnaturally fast walk just to get past this lady.

I hate that, the unnaturally fast walk.

Now, let me ask you, you're sort of walking along with these guys who you think may or may not be

up to something.

Did any part of you think, I could just follow them, see where they're going?

Well, I did.

And no disrespect to the guys.

But one of the three looked very no-name full suspension mountain bike.

But there's an even better part to this story.

After 10 minutes or so of walking at the same pace with these guys wearing

combats and stuff and looking quite disheveled, no disrespect, but they were.

I although I probably was as well, because I'd woken up at four o'clock that morning

because I did a bit of a dawn run down to the dover in the box stop,

which can I just say, I enjoyed every minute of.

I said to the guys, I said to them, I said, I think I saw you on the ferry going over.

I thought, I've got to find out.

I've got to put my journalists out.

No, you didn't know they did.

And he went, yeah, he said, he said, I just I just came over for this and he held up this little bag.

And I thought, shit, what's in the bag?

And he said, he said, it's tobacco.

What?

I said, I said, what, you went over there just to get tobacco.

And he said, yeah, just to get my own tobacco.

He says, I do this every month.

Me and the guys do it every month for ourselves.

I went, what?

Every four weeks, they go on as a foot passenger on a ferry.

He said, I got a return ticket for 22 quid.

He said, I can get a hundred and this lock costs 155 quid in the UK.

And if I just go to Cali and buy it immediately from the shoppersons,

I get off and then get back on again.

It cost me 52.

OK, so it's worth 74 pounds.

So he's it's almost half price.

It's almost half price.

But it takes an entire day.

Yeah, I was going to say, like, how is he?

Is he going to take a day off work or is he self employed in which case he's losing

a day of income?

So this doesn't quite check out.

I don't know.

I don't know their employment status.

OK, I don't I just don't know.

And I don't know if they live on a narrowboat or anything.

But all I say is they are loyalists of the tobacco.

And it really made me think bloody hell, they have gone so far,

such a big journey to just have a smoke.

But hey, it made for it.

Well, it made for a conversational point, which I then thought that's going in

Smith & Sniff's podcast.

Sir, have you ever considered it might be more time efficient to just move to France?

Well, quite.

Yeah, just we how much you love smoking.

Well, yeah, exactly.

I mean, the French are a smoky enthusiast, aren't they?

Yeah, quite often, I think, possibly more than here now.

I don't know.

Did the smoking enthusiast ask you what you'd been doing?

No, so quickly turning around.

I guess they didn't realise you had quickly turned around.

Did they?

No, they didn't ask me.

They weren't curious at all, which I again, I thought was quite nice.

I just thought no questions, mate.

No questions.

Yeah, but as we as we walked from the sort of outer fringes of the dock area into Dover,

it's quite deprived.

It's quite run down is Dover.

And there was a lot of CSI tarpaulin right next to the road where all of the trucks,

the international trucks are lining up to get on the ferries to do all the the freight work.

There was a few.

I did take a couple of tarpaulin related pictures.

And there was also a very small trailer in someone's front garden,

which was chained to a, I don't know, a big vine or a tree and had both of its wheels removed.

So obviously that person really wanted to make sure that trailer stayed with them.

It was just a very, the whole thing was just very, very unusual.

And the ferry trip was relaxing and stuff, but it just made me think,

yeah, I thought I was going to get off the ferry quicker than all the trucks and all the cars.

And no, you get told to sit still.

They definitely treat you with an ever so slight tinge of mistrust when you're a foot

passenger, I think.

So I think that it's a case of, I don't quite know what you're doing here,

but I mean, there were loads of legit people like there was a young couple who were backpacking,

so they had all their stuff on their back.

And they were young and I thought they were just going, going, exploring on a budget.

And then there were three innocent tobacco enthusiasts.

And there was a man who has left another of his cars on a different land mass.

I must point out, yes, the, the Honda Insight is still on the Isle of Man.

And thanks to a couple of people who have kindly offered to help me fetch it, I may be in touch.

And, but the Porsche will, I will end up fetching that car or it being delivered back.

So there'll be another caper.

Involving the Boxster, but the Boxster will be different.

Yeah, I like the word caper.

My friend Kiran uses it a lot, a car caper.

He said, oh, I love a car caper.

And it usually starts at four in the morning and involves terrible motorway food.

And that's funny because I've got a mate who often says car caper as well.

It's usually going to buy some cheap shitter with a mate is a car caper.

But ideally, yes, it involves an early start and a long journey somewhere to go and get the gold.

We should, we should, we should use the name car caper for whenever we,

if we do Smith and Sniff videos ever again.

Cars and capers.

Oh yeah.

Those foodstuffs that not many people like.

Yeah.

I was going to say, I just immediately think of those little things that

disgusting vegetables, but some cars and capering.

But then capering is a bit different, isn't it?

Like capering about, it's just like a cartoon character.

Oh, what about cars and capes?

Oh, I think it'd be really good.

Lots of exposed engine bays of hot rods and then flowing capes everywhere.

Are you wearing a cap?

Oh my God.

Just accidentally swish around just as someone's showing off the running engine of their air-cooled

911 and your cape gets sucked into the fan.

That would be awful, wouldn't it?

That would be really awful.

It's just, yeah, but I like the, in principle,

I think, particularly if you turn up in something sort of quite ordinary, you know,

you just got like a second hand corona, but you'd get out wearing an exquisite velvet cape.

That would be good, actually.

Well, it's a cape.

But the capes, do you ever come back, surely?

Well, I've always quite, what's the other?

You've got a shawl and a cape, and what's the, there was a phase when lots of women in winter

used to wear a, I don't know.

I'm going to say snood just because I want to say the word snood.

I don't like the name snood.

The snood's just, it's a weird word, isn't it?

A beard snood you have to wear in when you're involved in catering.

Beard snoods are mandatory when you're working around foodstuffs.

I didn't know that was the thing, but okay.

It's a bit like a car bra.

I saw a car bra the other day and I pointed at it and the guy that I was with had exactly

the same opinion of them.

I said, in the UK, they are not just useless, but they're actually harmful.

They're more harmful than useful.

What?

Because it's just gently rubbing.

Well, they hold all the moisture on the edge of the bonnet and rot the bonnet three times

quicker than it would have rather than getting one stone chip.

I don't know, every six months, which I think it's a weird import.

Like that, they are an extreme reaction to the problem of stone chips,

to swaddle the front of your car.

And so it looks a bit toss as well.

I think it does look a bit crap, the car bra.

I think it was, it was big in the 90s.

I remember lots of VW vans had them in the 90s and used to be able to get them in

chessboard pattern and different like a banner bomb symbol stitched on it and herby numbers and...

Why are they called car bras?

Sort of implies that the front of the car is breasts.

Just car mask.

Yeah, it is a car mask, isn't it?

It's a Zorro, mask of Zorro specs.

No one looks at the front of their Mark II MR II and goes,

Oh no, I've got, I've chipped the tits of my MR II.

I better get a car bra.

Did you just say chip the tits?

Yeah, because that's the thing, by extension, what's the...

Yes.

Anyway, probably not going to go further down that avenue, but you know what I mean,

car bras are not good looking things, are they?

Pretty sure that women don't wear bras to avoid stone chips.

I don't think that's the point.

It's gravel rash.

No, the purpose of a bra is not to prevent that you're also getting chipped by stones

as you move around at high speed.

But I just, yes, it's all, the terminology is off for the car bra.

Just leave it at that.

Speaking, as you sort of were about the joy of your two-seater sports car,

I know, I got my beat out of storage this week.

Oh, nice.

Because it needed an MOT and also the weather seemed to be turning for the

better and of course the day I went to get it back, it was absolutely tipping it down

and I had to drive it.

Oh, it's so depressing.

From where I've stashed it home in the rain with the roof up.

And so that's probably the fifth, sixth time that I've ever driven that car

any distance with the roof up and it's still fine.

Also, bless it.

I had it on a trickle charger, fired straight up.

Lovely.

Sweaters in that night.

So I got it back last weekend and then on Monday gone, it had its MOT booked him.

And there's always that nervous feeling.

And I think particularly when you've had a car just put away for a few months,

there's that sense of, oh, has it decided something's not going to work properly?

So I did all the usual sort of, you know, check all the lights, all the bulbs are good and

wipers are fine and blah, blah, blah, stuff that, you know, real sort of like

easy ways to fail an MOT that you can avoid.

Everything seemed okay.

But there's still that nervousness.

So I took it for a nice long drive before I dropped it off and it's all that.

I was like, yep, okay.

That's good.

And then they didn't call me for ages.

You know, sometimes you drop your car for an MOT and then they call you like sort of 10 minutes

later and you're like, you've done it.

What?

But this, it was like mid afternoon and I was thinking, oh no, I don't know why it would

take any longer if it had failed unless it was just taking a very long time to type out

all the things that it needed doing.

And then finally they rang me.

Nope, passed first time.

I was so proud of it.

That is wonderful.

Just, it is pride is the only way I can describe it.

When an older car just sails through its MOT, you kind of go, well done you.

Oh, that's great.

My wife came home and she went, oh, did it pass?

And I got slightly too enthusiastic and I went, yes, it did.

First time.

Yeah.

She was like, all right, fine.

She's just asking.

But yeah, it's all good.

I was so happy.

But you know, at the moment, the main thing that everybody seems to be complaining about

is potholes.

Yeah.

I mean,

Rightly so.

We know it's an issue.

We've had, they are bad and we've had a very, very rainy winter and I think it hasn't helped.

But I think it's, it's a sort of ongoing conversation topic to the point of where

you can spot a dullard because it's all they talk about at the moment.

You just go, all right, yeah, we know.

We know.

It's a nuisance.

I'm sure that they will get addressed and no one is just sitting back and going, well,

that'll do.

They are getting addressed, but obviously there's loads of the bloody things and it is

probably a corollary of, in many cases, poor, quick repairs last time around.

It is.

Yeah.

But this is the thing we deal with and the weather was particularly unkind.

I'm not going to start whinging about potholes, but what I've realized is,

Please, no, don't.

Well, because as I got the beat out, I was a bit like, oh no, it is quite pothole,

particularly because I do sort of country roads from the barn where it's stashed back to my house.

It's like, hmm, this little car could be swallowed whole by a massive pothole.

But the brilliant thing is it's so tiny, you can swerve like a slalom skier around all the

potholes and not risk going into oncoming traffic.

Oh, nice.

So I've realized the solution to potholes is not to get a bigger car with bigger wheels

or an off-roader or something like that.

It's to get a tiny car and just swerve around them.

And also, because my insight is good for that, because it's narrow and light,

when you do go down a pothole, because it's a light car, it feels like it,

you've been punched a little bit lighter than otherwise punched.

So there is definitely, I mean, well, we've said it before, you know, buying smaller cars is

almost, well, it is the future.

It's just that you've got to convince people that small cars on the outside doesn't always mean

small on the inside, doesn't it?

But I mean, that's sort of the kind of consumer chat that we shouldn't do on this podcast.

So just beware, Richard.

Well, because I realized the other thing is that there's,

my dacha spring is also quite good for the swerving of the potholes, because again,

it's very small and very narrow tires.

So you can sometimes you could just sort of go straight over the top of one,

because it's so we, you can kind of, if it's towards the curb,

you can still get a wheel between pothole and curb, a verge,

because it's just a tiny tires, tiny car.

And as long as you keep your wits about you, and you looking ahead for them,

or it's a road you know, and you know where the potholes are, then small is good.

It's what I'm gravitating more and more towards, or smaller alloys, taller tires.

For an everyday car, I think that's definitely the future.

And again, we've talked about it before, so I don't want to be one of these people that just

moans about the same things over and over again.

But you have a, I'm so glad you've got your lovely little beat out for the year.

Well, I'm going to put it back away again, because I've left my Defender in storage.

That needs an MOT in a few weeks time, so I'll do another switch.

And then by then, once the Defender's all sorted out,

then I will switch back and probably have the Honda out for the warmer months.

But you're going to rust proof that bad boy,

while it will, now that the weather's warming up, give it another...

What? The beat?

No, you've just had that done, haven't you? I can't...

Yeah, yeah, I had that under sealed last year.

Yeah, no, the Defender does need... This is what I was going to say.

A couple of people at our live show at Great British Car Journey,

a couple of people in the audience saw my Defender in the car park in the afternoon

and commented on how shabby the end of the chassis now looks.

You know, Defender's below the rear door.

There's a...

There's that cross member, isn't there?

Panel, the end of the chassis.

And they just get a sort of surface kind of patina on them.

But mine has gone from gentle patina to looking really quite scummy

over the course of just this last winter.

I think being parked on my driveway and we live on a hill

and the wind just sort of whips across the valley

and basically blasts it with moisture.

And it's gone really bad and I was like,

I need to do something about that now.

And then I was looking around and I was going,

there's lots of, you know,

the hubs and things have always been a bit brown on that car

because they just do that.

But it's now to the point where I'm like,

oh, God, it's 10 years old

and it could do with a little cosmetic...

Juge.

...hidey up.

Is it a juge? Would you use a juge?

Yeah, a juge.

But I dread to think if you go to a Land Rover specialist and go,

hi, could you just sort of cosmetically juge this car, please?

So I'll go, of course we can. That'll be 19 grand.

I don't know. I could be wrong.

If any other Defender owners have had such things done,

I know there's an argument to go,

as a Defender, it's supposed to be a bit scabby.

But, you know, mine is a pretty urban Defender of end of day specs.

So it feels like I probably...

Every other Defender heritage that you see for sale

has got delivery miles on it

and his Immaculix has been stored in a vacuum.

And I'm the Oaf who actually uses mine as a car.

You've carefully wet stored yours for the last decade.

I did. I said, well, this is actually, this is it.

Over the winter, I have accidentally wet stored my Defender

just by leaving on my drive.

I live in the southwest of England,

which is inherently quite damp part of the country.

So that's it. I've wet stored it and now I'm paying the price.

So yeah, if anyone has got a Defender though,

they've had it sort of cosmetically tidied up.

I'd be interested to know what was done and how that went

and who did it for you.

Because I definitely think I should do something before I,

you know, stick it away for a few months.

I personally think because I would probably get it dry ice blasted

and then absolutely fill to the eyelids in every crevice

with some decent anti-corrosion.

Yeah. Well, I had it done.

Did you?

When it, when I bought it, as soon as I bought it,

because obviously, you know,

it would be ridiculous to assume that Land Rover had done

much rust proofing at the factory.

But I sent it to a guy who is that stuff I can never pronounce

correctly. Is it Dynitrol or Dynitrol?

Oh, Dynitrol, yes.

Dynitrolay and he did all of the underneath chassis stuff with that.

So that's a good thing.

It had it, but then that was 10 years ago.

So, you know, it probably needs doing again.

Yeah, it's the same.

You did it right.

You know, you did it at the PDI stage pretty much, which is good.

But yeah, I'm going to do it with my Dodge this year,

even though I've absolutely, you know, we filled all of its cavities.

I feel like I've got to do it again now because I got,

I got all the cars out of hibernation myself

because I filmed something a couple of days ago,

like a project garage update for the channel.

And it made me realize that I've had the Dodge for a long time.

It's been on the road now since 2009.

So lots of parts of that car that I've replaced new are wearing out.

So in my head, I'm like, well, that can't be worn out

because I put a new one on there.

And then you go, yeah, in 2009, you absolute dongle.

And so it's worn out.

And so I've got to sort of go around it with a clipboard

and a large coffee and go, what's now coming to the end of its life?

And also I did have a word with myself over winter

about whether or not I should improve the brakes.

And it's not because I don't like driving it with those brakes.

It's because I worry about everything else on the road.

I worry about people brake checking me and cutting the distance.

And, you know, people who have never driven old cars

and just ignorance is bliss, they don't understand

the challenge of driving something that's half a century or more old.

And you have to navigate around all the modern traffic,

ducking and diving and last minute braking and all that shit.

And it is quite, it is quite frightening sometimes.

So I do wonder whether or not is it time for a subtle break upgrade on Yee Charger?

a better help ad hold on one second I just need to

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yes so that's what I thought mate should I mean

that's good no no it's worth it isn't it oh and my um that's right mate

I don't have a youtube channel to do project car updates

but the metro is now almost done oh so the last piece of the puzzle was uh the the guys at the

den I think I mentioned this before really wanted to replace the coolant hoses prudently

because they're old they reckon a few heat cycles and they would start to split and cause

problems but they really really wanted 80s looking proper spec oem coolant hoses if you put modern

ones on they just don't quite look right and I really enjoy that level of detail it's their

kind of thing so I found eventually some new old stock coolant hoses took a bit of searching

did you and in fact I guess I got a message I think they've just been delivered today

well they should be they're on their way to be delivered to the den today

so they'll be able to get those on and then it's just going to have the carb set up

by an SU expert and then it will be chef's kiss yeah summer ready yeah exactly summer ready so

that'll be nice that's going to be flipping brilliant I've just got to go and get it oh yeah

because I forgot to say I've had it stashed on the island of Sicily for no apparent reason so

I've got to go and try and get it because I thought what would Johnny do he would oh okay did you

drive it to Gibraltar to get those cooling yes and then took a ferry all the way down the Mediterranean

just because it's like oh what would be inconvenient I think this if you if listeners can hear a cat

my cat is sitting on my lap near the microphone and I don't know what it is but this week

she won't leave me alone she will not leave me alone she's been meowing at me for I don't know

what reasons she's yeah I know it's a bit weird and she's been tapping the back of my leg when I

walked past her as if to go hey hey what yeah I think she's trying to say hey I'm really bored

of my own food or can you just move my sleeping mat or whatever it is I don't know what it is

she taps you just like gives you a little tap to go hey I'm down here give me some attention

it's amazing tapped by a cat yeah honestly you got tapped um you know you know that can I just

quickly talk about because we do I know we touch on music you know that song that I think has been

number one for a while even though it came out last year it's had a renaissance the Sam Fender

and Olivia Dean song don't yes don't rain don't rain me in uh is that what it's called well I think

that's what it's called now I didn't know what it was called until this morning because every time

I hear it and it is a lovely song a little bit of banjo in the background but it sounded like

they were saying don't weigh me in and it really sounds like don't weigh me in so it sounds like

Sam Fender and Olivia Dean are singing a love song about either metaphorically saying don't split up

with me and take me to the knackers yard like you would a shit old car I just thought why are they

singing about weighing one weighing one another in and it works perfectly with the old bring me a

hi-ab love song that we sung a few years ago of uh off of Whitney Houston off of Steve Winwood is it

yes he did it originally didn't he yeah I think so yeah but so don't weigh me in and bring me a

hi-ab are surely that's the perfect dovetail of the scrapyard owner songs isn't it really yeah

well bring me the hi-ab love bring me the hi-ab love did it did it did it yeah we did have a

message maybe there's not a question about hearing cars in songs or hearing car stuff in songs and

I forgot about bring me a hi-ab love oh yeah that we talked about that a while ago didn't we but I

still seen that if I ever hear it and I just look out for that hi-ab logo you know the the elephant

it's the elephant with the strong trunk oh yes of the of the hi-ab for those of you don't know

what a hi-ab is I don't I don't know if they're worldwide known but it's a crane are they swedish

I actually don't know what nationality hi-ab are should we have a quick look yeah because I don't know

why I thought they're swedish yes they are because it stands for um hydrauliska industry a b so they

are I think of some kind of yeah they're swedish oh for sure brilliant this just didn't a clutter

didn't imagine that well yeah don't bring me the hi-ab so well known for lifting things hence the

I guess elephant trunk logo but they're not sponsoring this podcast so I'm not going to talk

about them anymore god imagine if they did do you think they'd send us a couple of hi-abs and we

could just like lift things up I'd love to just right just go all right before we go any further

the podcast I'm just going to lift up this old Rover v8 that I've got lying here there we go

that was yeah I've just I've just craned it into my kitchen uh simply because it's easy

and then I'm going to crane it back out again when I'm finished the podcast anyway thanks for listening

bye um all right well there we go hi-ab if you're listening we are open to sponsorship in fact we

would welcome it as long as you send us a couple of your products oh uh call to action listeners

yes I I'm on the lookout and I will not explain why all

what an excellent start I want to look out I've on the lookout for um I want a fairly

wanked lotus uh body shell please what yes I'd like a fairly wanked lotus bare body

shell I'm not interested in the rest of the car it's got which lotus got to be a spree oh right

okay um I would really really like to find one I really want to find a cheap one and I don't

actually know if you can get cheap ones anymore because as sprees have kind of gone up in value

over the years um so what I was going to say is if anybody knows of a fairly wanked lotus

spree body shell let me know um that would be great I will explain my workings at some point

of future no don't worry I'm not just going to drive it to an island and dump it and walk away

as a foot passenger on a ferry you're not going to make it amphibious are you so you don't need to

use ferries for all of your various trips to go and leave other cars in places or I'm saying

nothing Richard I'm saying nothing all right on that side of things I'll ask you about this afterwards

you know the other week when we came back from uh the show in Glasgow oh actually um

I did you didn't because you drove away I got the train from Glasgow to London and I was saying

on the podcast it was a long train journey but I achieved a sort of state of zen calm

where I was actually a bit annoyed when we pulled into Houston because I was just quite happy

just sitting there I love I love that about train journey I achieved another state of zen last week

in a different a different way I went to a very large pulling around about no okay went to a very

large b&q on a Tuesday afternoon and I had specifically just to look for two things but

the shop was very quiet I finished all the work I needed to do that day which was why I'd gone to

b&q because I needed just to run a couple of errands and that was one of them brilliant so I

wasn't in a rush and I just found myself strolling around this b&q I've never done this before it's

just strolling around looking at stuff and it was really restful and nice this is the width of the

future what this is getting old yeah I did this a few weeks ago in a garden centre but I can relate

to out of ours out of rush our Ikea very pleasurable oh really yeah I've never used the word pleasurable

and Ikea at the same sentence but no we have to go when no one else wants to go yeah I can see that

that would make so like like Tuesday at 11 o'clock in the morning fine no I get that nobody's it's

just great I don't the thing I find in places like b&q as in sort of DIY shops places that

sell tools and things is that I am a low spec DIY person I can do very basic stuff but I do not

trust myself to do anything more than that in fact I think I've got worse over the years I used to

put up shelves and things and now I just go do you overthink it now though I do overthink it also

it doesn't help that I live in my house is quite old and the walls are very thick and all manner

of weirdness in the walls in my house this and I know this because a bit fell off a wall like

in a bit of plastic fell off a wall and there was there appeared to be wood underneath but

the wall itself did not seem to be a stud wall or anything like it it was very confusing and

there's a have I ever showed you and you've been around at my place there's a hollow bit in our

kitchen but we can't we can't work out why and even the builder who came around and did a little

work in our kitchen went I have no idea he went I could you know I could knock through that and

find out I was like that's a hollow bit seems quite expensive and unnecessary for my curiosity

but you just went well these old houses it's not a servery hatch is it no it's but what's

what's really odd is that you tap the wall in the kitchen it's hollow but you go round into

the room next door and tap the other side of the wall and it's very solid so what is it

it's weird is it a retired glory hole well that's it a priest hole a priest hole the house isn't that

old it's like it's I know it's odd so I just don't trust myself but what I do find I did find

last week when I was wandering around the B&Q was that I was sort of looking at it and going

God imagine being able to use all this stuff in a competent way that would be amazing

love to I'd love to just go I could buy that and do something really useful

and constructive with it at home I know exactly what you mean whereas actually

I'm looking at these things again I could buy that ruin my house and lose the tip of a finger

and it's just it's not the same I'm trying to be better as time goes on and be more

almost talk to my reassure myself that I'm that I can do it and if it goes wrong it's not that

serious because it's not like I'm you know I'm not dealing with high pressure gas main line or

anything like that so I'm I just think to myself I'm going to try and do this but I've never done

it and I read up on it a bit or speak to usually my dad or my brother because they just know how to

do stuff like that it always works better when I'm with somebody but I do try and do on my own

because I feel like I owe it to my children in a way to say no I'm going to push through the

fear of it try and achieve it and if it goes okay when I do it next time it will be better than it

was the first time so try and evolve Johnny try and evolve as best you can and uh and now that

I've not long lived in my own house again I I'm actually looking around as I'm as I'm recording

this going I do need to do several key jobs and because I'm a hopeless car twat I've pretty much

spent all my money on cars and so I need to do more DIY because I'm trying to finish cars that

I've started and therefore and also afford the mortgage so therefore I need to just do some

more hands-on stuff in the home yeah okay and I've said that within five minutes of saying

dear everybody I'd like a wanked body shell for a lotus yes okay so yeah uh there is a

persistent leak in my bathroom but I do now have a wanked lotus spree so life is good life's

really good it's not a main and the tortoise are about to go outside so I'm really excited they're

about to go out and live in their outdoor enclosure so that'll be good that's that's exciting that's a

dog what if you had a room where no one interrupts no notifications no expectations

just space to talk with better help therapy happens in a space that's yours visit better

h-e-l-p dot com slash random podcast for 10 off your first month of online therapy

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20 off your first purchase that's b-o-m-b-a-s dot com and use code audio mentioning as I briefly

did a live show in Glasgow we haven't said since we did it uh how much fun the live show was at the

great British car journey yes mission motorsport so thank you to everyone who came down for that

because uh it was a really really good evening a little bit different to our usual live shows but

immensely good fun and uh we hope you all had a nice time because we certainly did and

thank you for everyone who very generously bid on stuff in the silent auction or on the the

tat that we auctioned off in the room and the raffle couldn't believe the tat auction yeah the

tickets themselves as well that money is going to mission motorsport so we have raised a ton of cash

and uh it's all thanks to your generosity so a massive thank you to everybody who was there uh

a great British car journey the other week and we are doing a live show in May in Belfast it's on the

15th of May yeah so uh go to smithandsniff.com follow the link to live shows and you can buy

tickets to that so we have been saying that we would cross the REC at some point it's taken

some very long time to get around to it but we are finally doing it Belfast May the 15th

hope to see some of you there I'm really looking forward to that and yes just to echo what you

said really really enjoyed the um the mission motorsport gig we did at the British car journey

loved the crowd there loved the the crowd at um Glasgow Phil really really I feel exceptionally

proud of uh the kind of community that seem to have grown around this idiocy and uh so and it's

you people that make it what it is so I know it's a bit gushy but I just wanted to say it because

we we we do really appreciate it and I I remain flabbergasted that people actually want to turn

up so thanks for that on that side of things isn't it yes do you know what I mean yeah tell me um

like it really got me in the fields rich it kind of got me in the fields do you know what I mean

yeah yeah uh I I was going to uh just tiny bit of car chat have you seen there's a new

dacha out which it would be right up your street because it's an estate car oh um but it's called

the dacha striker yes yes because I think somebody wrote in and said it should we should change one

of the letters is that oh yeah I haven't even thought about that my my first thought the two

things when I hear striker is first of all the 1970s rally bicycle yeah I think that was

spot with an a not an er but also I always just think striker plate as in you know the thing in

thing in car doors yeah I had a rally striker how many down from my brother I've probably said it

before did you yeah and it was the strongest bicycle I've ever owned it was extremely heavy and

extremely strong yes it was really well made that era of rally kids bikes from sort of mid 70s to

early 80s I guess they were all hefty beasts wouldn't they and this is what I started thinking could

dacha plunder the rally back catalog yeah for other models because the the dacha boxer

oh yes it's not a bad name no it's not I think actually Persia have got that haven't they for

vans so that might not work you know the I'm just looking up the rally striker I'm pretty sure the

rally striker was one of those bikes because it was Greg's before it was mine I think Greg had it

brand new typically me being the younger kid I you know I had the slightly worn version although

Greg's very good at looking after stuff I'm sure it was the one of the first

bikes or times that I saw holographic stickers oh and I remember as a very young kid being so

fascinated the the allure of the hologram sticker you don't get a lot of holographic

stickers anymore do you no and I've been talking to you actually and a few other people because I

really want to do a smith and sniff holographic car sticker or you know a piece of merch so I

think we're going to do them because it reminds me of that era of amazing BMX decals yes and it

really was a golden era for just exciting stickers yes and so I'm I'm one of those I think we should

do it but yeah I'm just looking up the decals now and I remember just going that looks so cool

oh so there's a rally there was a rally striker now was it was it was spelled

S-T-R-I-K-A was it I think it was yeah so it's not quite like the Dacia I'm thinking though

looking at the rallyback catalog the Dacia grifter sort of works that does actually

but it's grifting it's another type of what does grifting actually mean well it's sort of like

you know being a bit lazy or a no it's grifting's like you know sort of just

Dacia scammer the Dacia scammer because they do like an ER because they've got the bigster as well

haven't they the duster yeah so ER ending words they seem to enjoy so grifter might work for them

but I was also thinking about the Dacia chopper and I realized that doesn't sound entirely

great in a modern context I don't know sorry I'm just looking at bloody strikers now

while you disappeared down a 70s bicycle rabbit hole yeah we should probably bring this gently

into land before we go three things to share with you the first is that

Johnny is working on a strange new show in which the former lead singer of Marillion

joins forces with a former Derbyshire MP to go around solving crimes under the working title

Fish Curry if that's not to your taste then there is of course the late break show

lots of excellent videos on there what have you got coming up for us

I've actually got no idea at this stage I've just I've totally forgotten I haven't got the

calendar in front of me but just make something up make something up I know it is it's a really

interesting it's a very interesting car cave of a guy who is not only got good car taste and built

a cinema in his in his garage next to his car but also has started a project where he's going to

convert a Range Rover to be a gas turbine car what yes and he's going to hopefully actually

put this car on the market he's got a pretty good case that really interesting case for it really

interesting buzznust case yeah no I kid you not I kid you not but I mean I don't want to dampen

this guy's ambitions but you know various companies including Rover and Toyota have looked at gas

turbines for road cars and concluded that ultimately they're just not practical well maybe he knows

differently well Toyota he's got another idea I love it but it was really good to uh to go to

his place in fact the day we filmed that filmed it it was it did snowed really heavily so uh yeah

I forgot about that part and I remember I remember very much enjoying the drive over to his very

rural house it was quite slithery and I was in a I was in a Bentley flying spur Fev and loads of

cars got stuck on this steep hill and a huge fuel tanker so they were all they all skidded to the

bottom and I could see from the sat nav that basically this bloke lived at the top of the hill

so I had to go to the top of the hill and I thought what the hell and a couple of the guys stood at

the side of the road the truck drivers were like not sure you should get up there because if you

lose control there's lots to hit on the way down oh yeah and I just thought no I know best

so I just I smiled and waved and I just squeezed the throttle and I just absolutely went straight

up it in the spur and loved every minute of it it was amazing I know I know Richard I know I know

all right second thing to say is just I've got to repeat myself we've got a live show in Belfast

on the 15th of May that would be the next show tickets are available for the the one in April

the Bule National Motor Museum is sold out now but Belfast in May 15th come and see us there

and the third thing I was going to share with you is that several countries over the years have

switched from driving on the left to driving on the right Canada used to drive on the left

because you know ex-British Commonwealth country blah blah blah but they switched in the 20s

in the 30s Sweden famously switched to driving on the right only in 1967

amazing yeah so these are all places that switch from the left to the right it's much more rare

that anywhere has switched from driving on the right to driving on the left as we do in the UK

but in fact it has happened and it is the surprising work out the last time that a whole

country switched the side of the road that it drove on and it was in 2009 when Samoa the island

in the Pacific switched from driving on the left to driving or sorry driving on the right to driving

on the left supposedly to fall in line with New Zealand and Australia because they're in near

his nearest neighbors of course and it meant they could stop expensively importing left hand drive

cars from the US and source cheaper cars locally Zealand Australia locally source vehicles right

hand drive yeah yeah but that is the last I was amazed it was that recent it's you know it's only

sort of 17 years ago Samoa did the whole the whole switch and it switched to driving on our side of

the road well can I just suggest that it doesn't matter which side of the road you you drive on

as long as you just pick a car with a steering wheel on the side that you prefer I still like

driving right hand drive cars on the right I just really enjoy it oh I don't know why okay no idea

I don't know either but you that's good if it works for you it's great for everything apart

from overtaking but then you just introduce the law which says no overtaking it's great and ticket

machines and the drive-through outlets and well drive-through outlets should be put in the sea

anyway okay well that's encourage idling well that's yes but no and people not getting out and

moving their bodies enough so that's basically we're just gonna gently fade Johnny out this

you want moaning go to some other car podcast anyway that's it for us and we'll be back again

doing all this next week but until then goodbye right I'm going to stop talking bye

bring me a high up comma love

guys

but it's like and subscribe

that we were told to ask for this

like and subscribe

with a high up, wouldn't it just fall over?

Narrow track, very light, and it would just topple over

all the time.

It would be able to push itself back up

like it was doing press-ups.

It would wheelie everywhere.

You'd have to skin-steer it.

It would be great.

Yeah.

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Cars and coughing

About this episode

cars and coffee

Lotus Exige

Audi Tts

Alpine A110

Porsche Boxster

cruise control

Honda Insight

Porsche 911

car bra

two-seater sports car

MOT

trickle charger

wipers

potholes

Honda Beat

Land Rover Defender

rust proofing

chassis

wet storage

dry ice blasting

anti-corrosion

Dynitrol

Austin Metro

coolant hoses

carb set up

SU

Hiab

Lotus Esprit

driving on the left vs driving on the right

right-hand drive cars

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