Charity shop trousers

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I'm Johnny Smith.

I'm a reporter.

And this is Smith and Sniff,

a podcast on which two friends talk about cars

and many other things.

Now, before we go any further,

we should explain this was meant to be a recording

of our live show in Glasgow last Wednesday.

Yes.

There was a slight mix up

and that show wasn't recorded.

So if you're in the audience,

you are the only living record of that show.

It wasn't recorded on any kind of media.

So that's a bit of a shame

because it was, I thought, a really fun show

entirely down to the fact

that it was a brilliant audience.

And it's a great venue as well.

That helps.

Yeah, I have to say, amazing venue.

We've been there before.

That theater was excellent.

Eastwood Park Theater,

we should say thank you to them.

Massive thank you to them.

We'll come on to why we need to thank one lady

in particular later.

But the fact that they've got probably,

I think, the coolest wooden banisters

on their staircases as well,

which didn't help our podcast recording at all.

But I went away very pleased with how it went

and we had a good chuckling time

and the audience participation made it what it was.

Yeah, it's a shame.

I mean, it's annoying that we can't release it

as a recording for everybody to listen to,

but it's also annoying that we just don't have a record of it

because it was a really fun, really upbeat night.

So if you're in the audience in Glasgow last week,

thank you ever so much because you were all brilliant

and we had a lovely time.

Big shout out to the bloke that came from Canada.

Was it Singapore and Istanbul?

Hong Kong and Istanbul because he was in Hong Kong on Bosnus

and then he decided to fly to Scotland to come and see us.

But the only way to do that was with a stopover in Istanbul.

And so he did it,

which I think is above and beyond the call of duty.

Although there were some other people who traveled quite far.

So thank you to you.

But we have to say a massive and especially specific thank you

to a lady called Dawn who works at the Eastwood Theatre.

Yeah.

Because when we finished,

we went outside and tried to get at Uber to go back to our hotel.

There weren't any.

Glasgow traffic seems to be a bit snarled up at the moment

because there are problems with the...

If you noticed that main motorway through Glasgow

is called The Mate and they've closed a bit of it, I think.

So it's made for traffic really terrible.

The Mate.

We just couldn't get a taxi

and we were standing there in the drizzle.

Outside a closed leisure centre.

Outside a closed leisure centre and theatre.

It looked like the start of a Bronski beat music video,

I'm going to say.

It did a bit, yes.

So then this lovely lady who we'd seen,

she's one of the senior stewards

who makes sure everything is run properly in the theatre,

came over and said,

are you two all right?

She'd been in the room for our show and amazingly...

She'd listened to all the bollocks, big talked.

She said, are you waiting for a taxi?

She said, yeah, we can't actually get one.

We're still, the app's still just going,

we're finding someone, we're finding someone.

She'd been doing for about 15 minutes.

And she went, I'll give you a lift

without even asking where we were staying.

No, I know.

And then we told her and she went, oh yeah, I know.

Because you went, is that on your way home?

And she went, no, not really.

But she still gave us a lift home in...

Balingo.

Balingo, with quite a lot of soft furnishings on the dash.

Yes.

Which I quite liked.

And she was an exceptional driver, was Dawn.

And we got chatting.

Yes.

We got chatting about two things.

The fact that she used to work in the police

and retired pre-COVID having spent many years,

I think since 89.

And she used to enjoy, I think,

many a Saturday night chasing joy riders in her words,

the Hondas were the ones they liked to nick.

Because they were fast.

I'm guessing Civic Type R, but I don't know.

I love the fact that she now,

because she's retired from the police,

she's able to speak more freely, I guess.

And she was admitting that in the heyday

of where average Saturday night mostly involved chasing stolen cars

and it was actually quite good fun.

Yes, she did.

Which I thought was brilliant.

But yeah, she was...

Well, she's revealed to us that she was ex-police.

It sort of made sense because she was a fantastically calm,

smooth driver.

She was.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

She was...

You know, someone who's a notably high quality driver

and it's like, okay, this checks out now.

I get it.

So, Dawn, I think she said her husband

listens to our podcast sometimes.

Yeah.

So, Dawn, thank you ever so much for taking us home.

It was really kind of you.

It was.

And in a Bollingo as well.

Because we genuinely...

It was the only car on that side of the car park

when we were standing there.

And we genuinely admired the Bollingo and gone,

they're nice, aren't they?

We like a Bollingo.

We do like a Bollingo a lot.

But this is not to say that there weren't called cars

in the car park earlier that evening.

Because the thing about doing the live Smith & Sniff gigs is

that you guys, the people,

you turn up in some fantastic VE here cause

we sadly rarely get to see the selection unless

people take photos and share them on social majors.

Yes.

We saw...

Which they did.

Well, we did.

We saw NSX's's.

We saw Nice BMW's's E39.

I saw a nice one of those.

Yes.

Two Alpine A110s which tied into something I brought up

on stage as a news flash.

I haven't checked today but at the time of speaking last week,

there was for the first time I've ever seen an Alpine A110

for sale under 30 grand.

Oh.

Cause those cars frustratingly always seem to stick

in the 30s at least and upwards.

I was just thinking at some point they've got to drop.

It's weird because they haven't sold very many.

You know, I don't think they'd call it a runaway success.

It's very niche.

It's, you know, you have to know what it's all about.

It's appreciated.

So it's not the kind of car.

I think a Cayman, someone might just go,

I've got a few quid.

I'm going to buy a Porsche.

Yes.

I'm going to show people I'm doing well.

And that's not a bad idea necessarily.

No, the Caymans are great but it's like you could buy a Cayman

and not really be that into cars.

Yes.

Or, you know, sort of in that nerdy way.

I think an Alpine A110 in the best possible way

is a wonderfully nerdy car and attracts...

I think it attracts clever people.

We've said this before.

Yeah.

Gordon Murray has one.

And James May and Nick Mason.

It's like they are thoughtful cars for thoughtful people.

So my kids would say it's an IYKYK car.

Yes.

I find that expression slightly overused now

but it is definitely overused.

It is annoying.

I'm sorry.

It's almost as annoying as that term a few years back,

get in, which I just dislike immensely.

And they didn't like get in.

The only one that trumps that for me,

which probably would involve instant violence on my part,

would be if someone shouted,

oi, oi at me really close to my face.

Okay, yes.

I definitely would hit them.

I feel like, oi, oi has slightly slipped out of fashion

but maybe I'm just not standing near people when they're doing it.

No.

That Alpine is still for sale as of today.

And so it's legger than most of them.

You see them up and they all seem to be quite low mileage.

This one has 87,000 miles on it.

It's a 2022 car.

But I mentioned this in Glasgow.

And afterwards a chap came up to me who is a mechanic

and he said,

we've just had one in our workshop with 77,000 miles on it.

And trust me, it was golden.

No concerns.

It has worn that mileage well.

So you didn't let that put you off.

And I was a bit like, oh, well, that doesn't help, does it?

And then one of the chaps who turned up in his Alpine A110 came over

and just went, you should buy one.

And I was like, I know I should, but...

I'm glad to hear that that kind of mileage doesn't sound like it would be an issue.

Because I think the thing about the A110,

look, listen, guys,

the thing about the A110 is

it might not have sold masses for Renault slash Alpine.

But I think what it's done is it's really cemented the brand attention.

It's done the right thing as a flagship.

And it's one of those cars where as soon as you see one,

it feels quite special to see one drive past.

And you know that they are, like you said,

there's someone who have gone out and directly bought that car

because they really want that car.

You don't just go, oh, should I, shouldn't I?

I just don't know.

Maybe I'll just buy one.

That's not a thought process for an A110.

Like it might be a Boxster, like you said, or a Cayman.

That's the thing.

Every time I see one, I think, oh, look, I look at the driver and go,

there's someone I could have a chat with, maybe even be friends with.

It's just the people like us, aren't they?

Because you're interested in cars.

Do you think there's anyone out there who has an Alpine and an Alpina?

So they're just, they're just peeing and peeing.

And a tall Alpine.

Oh, yes.

And they love going to mountainous regions.

They live in Norfolk.

And they always have Alpen for breakfast.

Oh, Alpen, yes.

They can't help themselves.

I'd love just to.

And Herb Alpert is their favourite musician.

I'd love a bit of Herb Alpert.

I bet he would eat Alpen.

He'd probably like an Alpine, actually.

What are you doing this weekend, Herb?

Just going to eat some Alpen in my Alpine.

Yeah.

Or Alan Penis.

I think there's definitely, every time a certain person messages me about Alpine cars,

a friend of ours, he always refers to them as Alan Penis,

which is just, it shouldn't be funny.

But I still giggle about it.

And then almost slap myself.

Come on, pull yourself together.

You're only late 40s.

Why are you laughing about that, idiot?

So what else do we...

I feel that are some other things that...

Mission trousers, Richard.

Mission trousers.

Oh, yes.

Mission trousers.

Did you get the video that I sent you yesterday?

Yeah, thank you.

I did.

Of our mission trousers.

So we got to Glasgow.

Well, actually, I got to Glasgow because I went up a day early

and then just worked in the hotel all of Wednesday ahead of the gig.

And I did have genuinely had some work to do and I was on a deadline

because I promised to get some on something to them by the end of Wednesday.

But I kept getting messages from Johnny going,

go to a charity shop and buy me some trousers.

Are setting you a challenge?

I know.

And I really wanted to do it.

But like I said, I had work to do.

So in the end, I looked up the nearest charity shop.

Now, we were staying in a hotel that is in the sort of...

It's by the arena and things.

So there's loads of hotels, but not an awful lot else.

Yes.

And so I looked it up.

The nearest charity shop that I could see was just over a mile away.

So too close to get a cab to because I didn't have a car.

But too far to walk when that morning it was sleeting.

Very windy.

It was incredibly windy.

And so I was like, I cannot be doing with walking just over a mile in the sleet

to buy some trousers for Johnny.

I just wanted to spice up the live show because fundamentally,

as I was driving up, which took five hours or more,

I realized I was a little bit dry on conversation points.

It's been a busy week.

I've not had a chance to decompress much.

And so I thought, well, I'll just wear some Rolls Shadow 2 type owner trousers.

Rich can find me something appalling from a charity shop.

So when we got there and I did drag Rich to a charity shop to look for some trousers,

there was actually a lot of good trousers, wasn't there?

This is the thing.

I think charity shops are just really good.

Now, we were going through these racks of clothes,

obviously looking for sort of stupid things.

And it turned out there was lots of things.

I was just thinking, I'd wear that.

I'd wear that.

I might buy that.

They've got good stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

We did find it.

In the end, I went, Bollocks, let's do the whole outfit.

And if you were in the room, I think there were a couple of very astute folks

who were watching the live show who said,

from the waist down, I do look Rolls Royce Shadow 2 driver.

But from the waist up, there's a couple of different things.

I was wearing a crush velvet cinched jacket that is definitely a lady's jacket.

And I wasn't quite sure who I looked like.

But then somebody shouted, you're Salika Lady.

And it's true.

I looked like a Salika Lady.

Obviously, I had a beard.

Facially not like a Salika Lady, but the jacket was Salika Lady Territory for sure.

And I loved that about it because it's true.

I felt like I could easily get behind the wheel of a third generation Salika and look the part, which would be amazing.

Ooh, that reminds me of something that I'm going to bring up with you that I haven't mentioned yet.

I've seen a, I'm going to say, possible nemesis of Salika Lady.

Now, I saw this a few weeks ago and I keep me to bring it up in the car park of a local garden center.

Okay.

So it is either Salika Lady done good at the time or it's her mortal enemy because it is.

C-Redge Porsche 924S Lady.

Oh, okay.

She was of a certain age.

Yes.

She looked like she was rather well presented.

Yes.

Nicely done hair and everything.

And she was in a very tidy white C-Redge Porsche 924S.

That is raising a lot of questions.

Has she had that from you?

It looks like she might have done.

I was about to say that screams original owner.

I think it does.

The tidiness, it looks, I only got a fleeting glance.

I was entering this car park.

She was just leaving.

So I couldn't have a proper look at the car, but it looked really tidy.

Yeah.

It sounds glorious.

Do you think she sort of, she looks down on or would have done in the day?

Maybe she's sort of, she's like a superhero whose mortal enemy has been vanquished.

There aren't so many Salikas on the roads.

So it's denied her the opportunities that she had in the 80s to look down on Salika

ladies because she's a Porsche 924S lady.

Yeah.

Who would, yeah, because she would be a more premium lady in terms of car, not in terms

of human.

No.

Because it's got a Porsche badge.

So, you know, that's a given.

But yeah, I do wonder, I wonder what, see, all I'm thinking about right now, Rich, which

is why I'm stuttering is I'm thinking when she opens the door to get out and lock it

and it would probably lock with a bleep bleep sound because I don't know in my head does.

She'd still have the radio on and it'd be quite loud because she's quite outgoing and

she just loves to just rev around in the, in the Porsche.

She's just loves driving that car.

Do you know what she's listening to?

Go on.

I'm almost certain that she'd be listening to Alexander O'Neill.

If you, if you were here tonight.

Yes.

And, but it'd be really loud, but not so loud that you were offended.

You got drawn into the situation almost like a dream sequence.

Yeah.

Because it's not abrasive music.

It's quite smooth.

So very smooth and loud.

It's fine.

Incredibly smooth as the oil of Ole on her face.

Yeah.

But it was, she was you later.

Chanel number five.

Would it be?

Chanel number five.

Is that too obvious?

Is it something, something by Lawn Freak?

She, yeah.

That's right.

Um, Wyver St. Lauren, which probably have something on, I don't know, mate.

Yeah.

She could have a bit of Chanel.

She definitely smells.

So the door would come open.

The door speaker would be still playing Alexander O'Neill mid, mid song.

And if you were close enough, you'd get a real fog, a mist of high end lady perfume.

And it would just, it would almost not, you know, you'd stumble a bit.

You'd stumble a little bit.

You know, like a shockwave from an explosion far away.

You would, you'd stumble a bit, but you didn't want to make too much eye contact because

you don't want to look creepy.

But you'd be like, wow, this is white nine to four S Alexander O'Neill.

The, the home act teacher at my school used to wear a certain kind of perfume.

I don't know what it was, but it was thick.

It made the air thick.

You felt like you could just get a kitchen knife and cut out a cube of her perfume.

My, my English, my English teacher was like that a secondary.

She had a, do you know what?

She had a two door sports car.

I'm just trying to think of what it was.

And she was cool.

I really liked her.

She was a great teacher.

One of the, one of the teachers that made me really enjoy creative writing and stuff

like that.

I just, you know, think about it.

I can close my eyes and imagine she always wore a flowing silk scarf.

I bet she was a silica lady.

I bloody bet she was.

I think she was called Miss Jagger.

She was moves like Miss Jagger.

She was called Miss Jagger.

Yeah.

I want to say she was, she had an Irish accent.

I'll have to delve deeper into my memories there, but goodness.

I might have been taught eight GCSE English by a silica lady.

That's amazing.

Oh, the memories.

Does every school have at least one teacher who wears incredibly thick musky scent of

some sort?

I think it's tactical because some kids smell.

And so she wants to, she wants to surround herself with her own scent that she knows is good

and desirable.

A mask to sort of smelly kids.

There's a kind of school smell as well, isn't there?

There is.

My boy comes home from school now and because he's at big school and there's hundreds of

kids there.

Yeah.

His blazer just smells and it's not horrible smell, but it's not a nice smell either.

It's a sort of, it's school.

It just smells of school.

Is it a bit, because the thing is also secondary school lads could be a bit guffy.

Maybe.

There's going to be some, there's going to be some poppy aroma to that potentially.

Yeah.

If you buy a ticket, it also entitles you to a half price entry to the Great British

Car Journey until the end of July and 25% off the Drive Dads car experiences also until

the end of July.

So you are getting something extra and this won't be a normal one of our shows because

I'm going to do a little British car quiz.

You're going to do a raffle.

I'm going to try and give away some, some both appalling knickknacks, but also hopefully

some credible stuff as well.

So you decide which of those you want.

Yeah.

We've been promised some help to organize some actually good raffle prizes.

Yeah.

There will also just be some stupid stuff from your garage, I suspect.

Yeah.

And there'll be various other bits and pieces and they've offered us instead of a stage,

a very, very small 1950s lorry that we can stand on the back of, which I am absolutely

certain one of us is going to fall off during the night.

So come along just for that.

Yeah.

But also because it's raising money for a brilliant cause.

So Thursday, the 5th of March, Great British Car Journey, it's for charity.

So please do come along.

But then...

As I'm speaking, there are still tickets available.

And then on Thursday, the 2nd of April, we're going to the National Motor Museum in Beaulieu,

the unspellable area of Hampshire.

Oh, gosh, it's so complicated to spell, isn't it?

Just, yeah, just throw vowels at it.

So hard.

But...

So that one, that is more of our normal sort of live show, except that your Smith & Sniff

ticket entitles you to an hour before our gig starts in the museum with no one else except

possibly other members of the audience.

So the museum is closed by the time we fetch up.

A locket.

At 6 o'clock, you can go in and have a little look around the museum and it's nice and quiet.

You'll have the place pretty much to yourself.

So that's the added little lure there.

Thursday, 2nd of April, at Beaulieu.

I'm looking forward to all those because we've been meaning to go to the Great British

Car Journey for ages.

Yes.

I love the fact that museum, besides having several hundred cars in it of all different

areas of the UK, you can actually, like you said, drive Dad's car.

That whole experience.

It's a historical experience, but you can actually go, I quite like one of those.

I'll book maybe a drive in, I've never driven a Morris Minor or a Morris Marina or, I don't

know, a Mini Traveller or something like that.

And I think it's really, really, it's a decent thing to do.

Yeah.

Our plan, I think, is to get there early that day and go for a drive in some cars.

Richard Usher, the founder of the Great British Car Journey, has said to me, he really wants

me to try his Austin 7.

Yeah.

He said, have you ever driven one?

I was like, no.

And he went, it's brilliant.

He's had all manner of amazing cars, you know, McLaren's, Aston's, Jags, all sorts.

But he said, if I had to get rid of everything, the 7 would probably be the last car to go,

which is quite interesting.

Yeah.

My brother says one of the similar things.

He says the Austin 7 to car he keeps coming back to.

His workmate, Mickey, still commutes and does the school run in an Austin 7 today.

Your brother likes Austin 7s.

My brother loves Austin 7s.

He says they're just so versatile.

They're great at racing.

He doesn't really like anything.

No, he doesn't like anything.

Like, I think there's three cars in the world that I think he's got time for.

And I think the Austin 7 is one of them.

Three cars in the world he's got time for.

He doesn't like one of them.

So he definitely, if my brother did a series of the cars, the staff, like the late Quentin

Wilson, it'd be an exceptionally short series, I think.

And he's also a man of few words, but those words would be quite jagged.

Hello.

Welcome to the cars to start this week.

We're looking at the Austin 1100.

I think they're shit.

Good night.

I'm actually, I'll ask him this weekend because I'm seeing him this weekend.

And he's such a funny get of a man.

I phoned him the other day just to say, Hey, I'm back.

Do you want to meet up for dinner and come over and stuff?

And I went, what you up to at the moment?

He goes, Oh, well, I said, I've been working in Germany, but I was just pondering about

who the next high profile pedophile is going to be.

Anyway, what are you up to?

Okay.

Okay, Greg.

Okay.

Which brings us on to the taxi driver that took us to the theater in Glasgow last week.

He was obviously trying out some chat as in he wanted to have a chat with us because

we had a frustratingly slow journey because the traffic was terrible.

In, what was it?

It was like a last shape per sat.

Wasn't it?

It was a DSG per sat.

Yeah.

DSG per sat.

Slightly juddery.

I think one of the, one of the clutches feel very healthy, but slightly juddery.

You know, it's a hard working car.

Yeah.

So he didn't have the radio on and we set off and then he went.

So England are good.

Are they?

They're looking good.

We're a bit like, well, England are looking good.

We're in Scotland for one thing and he went cricket.

The cricket at T20 started, which neither of us knew or were that interested in.

And so we kind of went, yeah, okay.

Great.

And that was it.

That conversational avenue was closed off.

And then he tried another one, didn't he?

I can't remember what it was.

And that didn't really hit land either because neither of us really were interested in whatever

it was, football or something.

And then there was a big pause.

And then he just went, oh, the Epstein files, eh?

And we were like, what the bloody hell is that?

That escalated quickly, didn't it?

Really did escalate quickly from cricket to just, yeah.

And he really wanted to dig into that.

And then he was doing that.

Do you think they'll just close it?

Do you think they'll just close everything?

We were like, no, he's out of the bottle now, isn't it?

Long pause.

And then he just went, yeah, they're eating children.

Oh yeah.

I forgot he said that.

Because I think both of us simultaneously just went, what?

Yeah, I was writing in my notebook about the Scotland's largest buffet that I'd driven

past earlier that day.

Oh yeah.

But I only had half an ear on the conversation.

But when he said that, I did look up and look at you.

We both did a, eh, like meerkats.

And I was trying to work out whether he was taking the piss out of us or not.

No.

But I don't think he was.

I don't think he was serious.

I know.

And then he went, yeah, they have, they've covered it up.

And then he went, this whole thing about how, yeah, there's these models who hang around

outside schools and then everyone disappears and no one knows where they've gone.

And it was all very complicated and quite mad.

It was dark.

Yeah.

So I was going to not to get too to car-y, but I was going to bring up news from the last

10 days that Ferrari showed off the interior of its forthcoming electric car and also revealed

the name.

Yeah.

Which I think is pronounced luce.

I think it's luce, which is a Mazda to me.

But then.

Yes.

Isn't it?

Which is not, obviously not an Italian car mark, but.

A Mazda from, I think the 60s.

The 60s.

That's right.

And I actually saw a luce Mazda about two weeks ago.

I'll explain about that after you discuss Ferrari's interesting cabins.

Well, this is a thing.

They've done a very weird thing where they've gone, all right, we're going to reveal the

name of the car and also the dashboard.

And not really the full interior because they've shown like a seat.

Yeah.

They've got a bunch of journalists over to San Francisco because the interior of this

car has been designed by Love From, the company set up by Johnny Ive, the former Apple designer,

the man credited with the look of the iPhone, iPad and all the sort of recognizable Apple

stuff.

As though he left.

When did he leave Apple?

Quite a while ago now.

And he set up Love From with Mark Neusen, who is another designer and in our world, he

did that Ford 021C concept car many years ago now, which was a very cool thing.

And so those two and their firm were hired to do the interior.

Well, actually, they've done the exterior as well.

I didn't realize this.

But when the exterior of that Ferrari EV is revealed, which I think is happening in May,

that is also going to be their work.

Now, that will be really interesting to see what they've done on the exterior of a car

because I'm sure I read somewhere a long time ago, Mark Neusen saying that doing that little

Ford concept was the hardest thing he'd ever have to design.

Really?

Cars are difficult.

You'd think they're simple, but all of that sort of getting everything to gel together

and the surfacing and what have you is actually really tricky.

So it'll be interesting to see how they get on with the outside of that Ferrari.

The inside seems to have caused quite a bit of anger amongst some people, including I've

seen a couple of professional car designers that I know on social media complaining about

it, but their beef is not the design per se.

It's the fact that it's not sort of authentically Ferrari.

It's sort of good design in and of itself, but it doesn't fit with Ferrari.

I disagree with that because Ferrari's recent interiors, I think, have been pretty dog shit.

Well, steering wheels look like cheap gaming wheels.

Yeah.

There's a bit of power ranges going on, I think, with a lot of it.

And there's just, they have that sort of like, often because it's like, it'll be like black

leather with contrast red stitching.

And it's just like, it just looks like a men's wash bag.

You know, if there's carbon, it's so high gloss that almost makes it feel cheaper.

Yeah.

So I think the restraint in this new dash binnacle and steering wheel and stuff of the luce,

I think we both exchanged words to one another on WhatsApp.

Both went, yes, yes, please.

That's really tasteful.

I really like it.

Yeah.

The steering wheel is very nice.

It's inspired by old Ferrari three spoke wheels and it's milled from a piece of aluminium.

It looks like a 308 wheel to me.

Very 308.

So the initial photos they released were, I guess, just all CG stuff from the design studio

and did sort of make it look a bit kind of clinical.

But then there are photos from this event they did for press in San Francisco where they've

got the physical dashboard with the steering wheel and then a seat on another plinth and

various details on display.

And it looked great when you saw it with a bit of actual light playing over it.

And but when you see the steering wheel in profile, it's interesting because it's like

got this massive metal cylinder behind it where the airbag has to live because from

viewed head on, as you would when you're sitting in the driver's seat, it does just look quite

like an old 70s Ferrari wheel.

It's cool.

It's really cool.

And then, yeah, lots of stainless steel.

I mean, this is very, you know, he loves a nicely radius cornered as old Johnny Ive.

So it does.

It's got a lot of that.

It is quite high paddy, but I don't think in a bad way.

And they've put a lot of thought into the logic of it.

So they've put actual buttons back into it more than recent Ferraris have had.

Yeah, I was about to say.

So buttons do the best job.

Even if you don't like the the aesthetics of the new dash, the fact that they're introducing

more buttons and a couple of other manufacturers have started to do this.

Maybe the fact that those of us who are have got brains have started to say it's not great

to have everything on the touchscreen.

It's not really progress.

I don't think maybe that's being listened to.

And we're going and also a lot of a lot of younger people are enjoying more and more

analog because it's seen as a novelty, I suppose.

Yes.

So are we going to see the touchscreen overload come undone?

I hope so.

I do.

Definitely a move away from it.

When I went to ride in the new Jag and they showed us the design models, the interior

one, we weren't allowed to sit in it.

And it wasn't powered up.

But it didn't have a massive screen.

It had actually quite a small screen in the middle that almost looked more like a control pad.

It definitely wasn't.

You know, like the latest Mercedes, they're more screen than car.

Yeah.

And I fear for Mercedes that that is going to date horribly fast, but also potentially

write the car off if somebody, I don't know, if a child accidentally hits a part of the

dash with a nail file or something.

And then you realise that that dash is 18,000 quid.

I mean, and it could be that that whole full width cinema nonsense that's just bewildering.

If you've got a GLC or something with a hatchback and you go, yeah, I've just written off my

GLC because I was loading in some planks of wood and I accidentally slid one forward,

it twatted my dashboard, cracked it and it won't work anymore.

I left the house ruined.

I left the window open on a summer's day and sadly a woodpecker went into the car and

it pecked the far corner of the dashboard.

But unfortunately now that means none of it works.

So yeah, I'm going to give it away to a passerby.

It's just a bit of a nuisance.

I'd just been to B&Q to buy a new ball-peen hammer, but then I was just having a little

look at it in the car before I drove home.

It just dropped on my dashboard and now the car is an insurance right off, unfortunately.

It's a real shame, isn't it?

Anyway, I don't know.

So I think that Ferrari interior, sort of reserving judgment on how it looks in situ and with

the exterior of the car.

I'm really fascinated to see that.

But I think what we've seen so far, just it's so neat and so nicely thought through from

everything I've read.

Let stuff breathe.

I think that's what I like it.

It lets the design breathe.

There's so much over design now and all of it's just annoying.

That's it.

There's nothing on there that looks sloppy or they've just kind of dashed it off because

all the bits they've shown of the screens powered up, like all of the typefaces and

everything and the symbols all look really thoughtfully done.

And actually, the main dial in front of the driver is still a physical dial.

It's not all virtual.

It's a sort of interesting mix.

I read an article about it.

I read also some of it.

It's only the same way that Johnny Iver used to push the boundaries of what they could

do with materials when he was at Apple in terms of thinness and mixtures and all that.

They've done a bit of that.

So there's some overlapping displays to achieve the effect they want, where it's actually

got some slight parallax, even though the bits that are screens, not physical, still

change depending on your perspective, which is really interesting.

I'll finish by saying that obviously I like meeting other Johnny's.

But this guy, Johnny Ive, he spells his name differently, doesn't he?

He's not a Johnny with two ends.

He has designed away one of the ends.

So he's just J-O-N-Y.

He's minimized his name.

Johnny.

It's very, very clever the way he's done that.

I couldn't have shown that off.

Do you not think?

I don't think I could carry that if I'd like to, but I don't think I can.

What?

How about if you got rid of the Y and just with John with two ends?

Do you think that sort of feels exotic or is it just a nuisance because you have to

constantly go with two ends?

John with two.

Yeah, so it's a J-O-H-N.

No, no, of course not.

It's J-O-N-N.

Why?

Because.

Because designer.

I assume Johnny Ive's full name is Jonathan, but I hope so.

I mean, listen, Johnny, it'd be great to chat one day.

I'd love to interview you about cars if you could get in touch.

I mean, we could talk about other things like disqualified drink drivers in Somerset

with port, which is what I'm going to talk about next, Rich.

Bit of car news, which you won't see on many car websites.

BBC Local News.

A picture of a guy flashed up on my news feed.

I keep in touch with Somerset Local News despite the fact I haven't lived there since 1999.

Yeah.

No, 1998.

It says that the headline is disqualified driver caught drinking port in four by four.

I shouldn't laugh.

It's not funny, but there's a mugshot of this man who's done this criminal offence.

And I showed you the image when we were on stage at Glasgow and I said, it just looks

like it just looks like a sort of tired, dishevelled, putting the bins out, Bruce Springsteen.

That's what I was going to say.

And this chap, a disqualified driver, told officers, this is according to the BBC website,

told officers he'd had drunk a couple of ports when he was caught behind the wheel

of a four by four, the court heard.

Trevor Nex, N-E-X of Baytree Farm in Watchfield, Somerset was spotted with an open bottle

of port in the vehicle's centre console last November and he pleaded guilty to drink driving

whilst disqualified and was banned from driving for more than five years.

Yeah.

It's just driving with an open bottle of port.

It's a very, yes.

It's his 1910s colonial era.

What's going on?

It's also, I mean, he does, you're right, he does look like down on his luck, Bruce Springsteen,

but it's amazing he's not more ruddy faced in the picture if that's his tipple of choice.

I was going to say.

He says his surname is Nex, N-E-X.

N-E-X, Trevor Nex.

Yeah.

That's an unusual surname.

Well, maybe it's not in Somerset.

I don't know.

I've never heard, I've never heard of that name.

Although the person that wrote the article, I have heard their name.

You pointed that out that that was quite interesting.

A person wrote it called Lee Boobier.

B-O-O-B-Y-E-R.

Boobier.

And I actually went to school with someone called Boobier.

I remember them.

They were special.

But in this article, the police, a prosecuting police officer, I think, said, this is their quote,

This is an appalling case involving a man who was driving a large 4x4 under the influence of alcohol

with an open bottle of port inside the cab of his vehicle whilst he was disqualified.

They start the sentence with, this is an appalling case involving.

But they've made it unnecessarily niche, haven't they?

Because what they're saying is, oh, we've met, we've seen people driving with open bottles of port in the cab before,

but they were in a small A-segment hatchback.

But this time, we found a large 4x4 with somebody with an open bottle of port in the cab.

And also, they were disqualified already.

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It does frustrate me, though, when they do those news stories that just go,

he was found in a 4x4.

It's like, what?

What was it?

Tell us.

I need to know.

I want some details.

Otherwise, I've got to imagine what it might be.

And I sort of go, oh, P38 Range Rover feels like it might fit.

General vibe.

Really?

Alligable.

I feel like early Merck MLs attract disreputable people too.

So it could be that.

Yeah, you're so right.

We've had these conversations before about those long forgotten and mostly not given a shit about.

But...

There's a crazy trooper that absolutely reeks of dogs.

There's a lot of those.

It feels like the kind of thing.

The trooper, the still troopers.

Down at Hillbury Springsteen.

Yeah.

Could be in one of those.

Yeah.

So...

I'm going to call that.

It's weird because he was found in a saloon.

Yes.

He's hopefully put some more context on it.

It just feels sloppy, not too, but maybe I'm the only one who cares about it.

No, you're not.

You're not the only one who cares.

Because in the same way that when I watch a film and the police radio one another and

say, he's getting away, he's in a dark blue sedan.

Yes.

And you just go, that's so general for a police person.

Whereas the devil is in the detail in police, surely.

Well, exactly, isn't it?

It's part of your job to ID the car correctly.

You would just go, oh, there's a human being running away from the robbery.

You'd give a bit more context and detail so that other officers can track them down.

But yeah, it's a nuisance for me when they don't put enough detail.

I was saying the other night, it's like when those radio ads for car insurance will have

someone going, hi, yeah, direct line.

I'm looking for a quote.

One by four by four.

And you go, they're not going to give you one because you've not told them to make or

model it.

Because they can't say make a model in the ads.

I wish that they could give you an instant quote with the vagueness of the information.

If you just go, hi there, I've got a, I've got a, I've got a sort of early 2000s large

saloon.

They'll go, yep, 620 quid.

Fully comp.

And where do you live in a town?

Okay, great.

What do you do for a living?

Just work.

Great.

Well, you'll get you a quote.

No problem at all.

How old are you?

Between 50 and 62.

I think that's too specific.

I think that's still too specific.

Oh, between zero and 100.

Okay.

Yep.

That's great.

Any previous convictions?

Might have.

Why should I tell you?

Don't know if you're business.

It's sort of this.

It is though.

Hello, vague insurance.

Yeah.

I'm looking for some home insurance.

Okay.

How many bedrooms has your house got?

Some.

Yeah.

Do you live near a river?

A river might do.

What's it to you?

What kind of locks have you got?

Normal ones.

Yeah.

If you say anything too specific, they immediately triple your premium.

You have to be as vague as possible.

It's a game.

That's a great idea.

It's vague.

If you're giving them vague information, they will give you a vague quote.

Yes.

But they are within their rights.

So you'll go, okay, so we're quite happy to provide you an instant quote.

It's going to be between 490 pounds and 1490 pounds.

The excess varies from 12 pounds to 12,000 pounds.

Okay.

Are you willing to proceed?

And if the vague person just goes, yeah, what the hell?

I'll risk it.

Yeah.

We're going to debit some money out of your account in the next 30 seconds.

It's just this world of vague vagueness that everyone's subscribing to.

Yeah.

Great.

Fine.

It's a bit like when people advertise cars and they just can't be asked to write...

I know it's a bugbear of ours.

They can't be bothered to write any specifics in the classified ad.

And you're like, dude.

Unbelievable.

Light detail on stuff that...

It boggles the mind.

Actually, we had a message just the other day from a listener who...

We had a bit of a back and forth chat in the end because we not disagreed, but they're

opening salvo.

Well, in fact, the email was titled the most delusional car advert ever.

So my listener called Ashley and the ad was for Peugeot 205 XS.

Now, the XS, the one below the GTI, but as endorsed by TV's Chris Harris.

Yes.

He loves the 205 XS.

And I think...

I might be misquoting him here, but I feel like he sort of said words to the effect that

it is the thinking person's GTI and that they're at least as much fun to drive.

Yes.

Now, this XS is in fact a pre-facelift one.

So it's very, very rare.

Ashley's feeling why it's so delusional is because it's got 150,000 miles on it.

It's visibly rusty in places in the photos, notably the front wings, which, you know,

they bolt on.

So you could, I suppose, replace them, maybe if the rest of the car's all right.

Yes.

It was originally up for £10,000 and that's a lot.

Now, Ashley said this is absolutely delusional.

I said, hey, I don't think you should underestimate the modern classics market.

There is a Peugeot perver out there who will go shit.

That's an XS.

GTI is everywhere.

You don't have trouble finding a 205 GTI.

Try to find an XS and an early one as well.

I mean, that is a rare, rare car.

So somebody might get a bit silly, but yes, I agree, £10,000 was too much.

It's probably like twice as what it should be up for.

And in fact, the seller had then dropped the price to five and a half grand.

So they clearly knew they were taking the piss.

They halved the price.

Yes.

Just like that.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

Eyes like that.

They were a chance.

So the description, you're like, you're selling something really rare.

You might as well.

I mean, don't go that full really tedious.

You know, some dealers write like a small novella of information and they always have that.

It was purchased new by a Mrs. Mavis Scriven's of writhing in agony.

It's like, I'll get to the point.

Well, yeah, we've said before, I don't want to know the general history of the car company

because I would have already known that.

I want to know what this one has about it.

Good and bad.

That's where we...

That should be at the top.

If you scroll all the way down to the bottom and it says, did you know that the British

car industry used to dominate in the 1950s?

Yeah.

I know.

The Roots Crew.

The mileage.

Yeah.

It's like, just tell me if it's got a scratch bumper.

Come on.

Yeah.

Don't be a dick.

So this 205 advert is just this...

I just have more, just more.

It just says, this is a red Peugeot 205 GTI hot hatchback.

So it's actually, it starts off being incorrect even though the ad is titled 205XS and you

can see the fucking massive XS stickers that it came with in the photos.

A highly regarded classic car from the 1980s, open to reasonable offers, messaged me to chat

about it.

It's had one owner from new good condition and that's it.

Just go for it.

Put your back into it.

Particularly when you're trying to ask 10 grand, which you clearly realised immediately

that you're on a hiding to nothing.

But yeah, I was like, just put a few more words.

Since we're on this topic, I'm going to go back to something I was talking about on stage

the other night, is the phenomenon of the not bothered car adverts.

Oh gosh.

For which we have to say thank you again to Matt Pryor from AutoCar4.

Drawing our attention to this when he was talking about it on his podcast.

Just not bothered.

Car sellers who list some possibly quite annoying faults with a car they're selling.

But then put, but it's never bothered me as if they're basically challenging you.

I dare you to find this a problem and try to ask for money off.

Quite a few listeners wrote to us with not bothered examples.

Aaron Taylor was one listener who did Mercedes ML 280 V6 on a 56 plate,

black with grey leather interior and grey seatbelts.

It's like a bit of detail.

Grey seatbelts.

I know, it's just like what I don't care.

Anyway, the ad goes on, while it runs very well with tonnes of power,

it can occasionally feel a bit sluggish on short journeys.

I'm told that's quite normal for a 20 year old diesel and could do with a DPF clean to make it perk up.

It's never bothered me.

I bet it blimmin' has.

Your car is noticeably down on power.

It never bothered me.

When I pull out in front of a car and then fifth my life every day.

It's everything to merge onto the M6 and it's completely spluttery and useless.

It's never bothered me.

I find it quite thrilling actually.

Another listener, Sam Horton.

Gracie Belts.

Gracie Belts and an engine that's not working properly.

Never bothered me.

Sam Horton sent us an ad for a VWT4 and the ad goes onto that.

Sometimes people get good points and then bad points.

So the bad points are, brakes need looking at, gear linkage needs looking at, needs MOT.

Wouldn't recommend driving away due to brakes.

Paintwork is not great at all, but it's never bothered us.

O's us more than we've got it up for, but I'm fed up of looking at it.

It's probably because of the paintwork, isn't it?

Which he claim it doesn't bother you.

It must do.

That whole advert confuses the dickens out to me.

I'm like, what so?

The paintwork's never bothered them.

All the faults they've listed, prime of which it doesn't have an MOT.

Does this mean they've driven it around for years with no MOT and not a lot of functionality?

And they've just gone, oh, well, who cares?

It kind of still works.

It is signally lacking some important functional things like a gear lever that connects properly and brakes.

Brakes is an issue.

I've got so many of these, I won't read loads of them out.

I was reading them out the other night and it is absolutely preposterous.

But I like this one for, because what I discovered is you can search bothered as a keyword on auto trade and places.

And then it throws up loads of examples of people being not bothered by things that are in fact bothersome.

But this one is quite puzzling.

2012 Nissan X-Trail 2.0-litre DCI Tecno would make an ideal family car.

Or if you are a dog walker looking for a vehicle, or you want to start a dog walking business, this car is ideal.

You just need to be outside of a EULAS area.

Steering wheel controls not working, but never investigated as it did not bother my wife.

There's just so much niche information that isn't wanted in the ad.

I spent about at least an hour the other day just looking at ads that were thrown up by searching bothered.

I'm going to have to do this now.

It's a fun game for all the family.

It does.

What you will walk away from that with is the impression that there are a lot of deeply strange people out there.

I'll do one more, just because.

What was the thing that we wasn't bothered?

What was the thing that they...

Perfect if you were going to start a dog walking business.

Is that what they said in the X-Trail?

Yeah.

But you could just list all the other possible uses of a car.

Business.

A cake delivery company.

This car would be perfect if you were to step out of your house one morning and needing to go to work.

Let's say it was eight miles or nine miles.

Getting it, driving to work, parking.

It's good for that.

This car would ideally suit someone who suddenly got to give a lift to the former newsreader, Moira Stewart.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This one is for a 2012 BMW 520D.

And, you know, it all seems fine.

But then it ends the ad with, as it is not a new car, there are some minor issues that do not bother me.

Like the boot opening too fast by key.

Vicious boot.

I read this out in Glasgow, because we were really puzzled by that.

The boot opening too fast by key.

Afterwards, a former BMW technician who was in the audience came over and explained,

that era of five series, they have springs to power, you know, pop the boot lid open on the saloons.

But with a gas strut, which then slows that action.

So it sort of looks smooth and high quality.

The gas strut fails.

And without the resistance of the gas strut, the springs are incredibly powerful.

And they absolutely fling the boot lid open to the point that in some cases it can fly open,

twat the back screen and break it.

So it hyper extends.

Yeah, that's the thing, it's got such power, it just flings it open.

So this is a known fault.

It's funny she said it.

But it didn't bother him.

No, coming back from the Glasgow gig when we were driving in the van, two things happened.

One was we got overtaken by a train's custom spout.

And it had, so they'd left the fuel filler flap open.

And they were going by an excessive 70.

And it looked like it was hyper extending on its hinge.

And I really felt sorry for it because I thought they can't see it.

But you imagine the wind resistance on that at 70, just a little weak hinge.

That poor thing's going to be folding back on itself, isn't it?

Yeah.

And the other thing that I did on the way back was I used the word drat a little more than I usually would.

This is not a word that we use often, is it?

Drat?

No, but as of last week, we have resolved to bring drat back.

Yes.

Drat needs to come back.

Drat doesn't need to come back because the reason why I used drat was because a lorry coming the other way on a single carriageway

went through a very muddy puddle and it just sort of like hydrauliced a load of muddy puddle-ness at my van that I was driving.

And I just had to use the wipers a little bit faster than I wanted.

And I just went, ah, drat.

And then I realized I sounded like some sort of pre-war colonial person because drat is just like nobody says drat.

Never anymore.

I'm thinking now, you bring back drat.

I might see how far I can get with bringing back BLAST.

Oh, yes.

We should shout it at one another.

You have to say BLAST.

You can't say BLAST as I would naturally do because I'm in the north of England.

It has to be BLAST.

Well, unless you say drat because drat, you say it the same way.

Drat, yeah, drat works.

And I say BLAST.

Now I think about it.

If you say it, you say your word and I say the other word in quick succession.

You have to say it nonstop for say 15 seconds and it just really events.

Any anger?

You try it?

Yeah.

Ready?

DRAT.

BLAST.

Because what I'm thinking is drat particularly works really well with things that would

probably deserve a stronger, possibly more sweary word.

Completely.

Like dropping an anvil on your foot.

DRAT.

I fell over into a prickly pear cactus and that is painful.

DRAT.

And there's very long lasting effects because you find all those horrible needles in your

clothes and in your hands.

That's a cause for multiple drats, I'd say.

Yes, definitely, definitely.

And I'm going to drop my dad joke in here by saying, I think Subaru should bring back

the pickup and it should be called the DRAT for a certain discerning old money British

audience.

The Subaru DRAT.

DRAT.

Well maybe Charli XCX should bring it back.

She could.

I know.

She could have a brat summer with just a Subaru pickup truck.

This coming year, Charli XCX needs to have a DRAT summer where she's constantly like

spilling red wine on a white sofa.

DRAT.

I've just tripped up a hotel staircase and landed on my face.

DRAT.

Yes.

I've just tipped a flat white into my own car at the Hollywood Bowl into the orchestra

pit.

DRAT.

Oh that Charli XCX.

She's always just on the cutting edge of the seat guys.

The DRAT summer is going to be brilliant.

I'm going to have a DRAT so I've decided.

I'm going full colonial.

I'm going to wear those trousers similar to the ones that I wore on stage.

I actually gave away to a man in Glasgow.

I hope you're enjoying your trousers sir.

I took them off, not on stage or not in vision and gave them away and donated those.

But I think a DRAT summer, I'm looking forward to it.

Maybe when we go to Goodwood and stuff rich or the London Concourse, we'll have a very

DRAT summer.

Yeah, but we haven't announced that yet.

But anyway, that's fine.

It's a little hint of what we might be doing in the summer, pending a couple of details.

Okay, well anyway, we should try and bring this one into land before we do.

I have three things I'd like to share with you.

The first is that Johnny's working on a new game show in which contestants are showing

mystery figure in silhouette and they must guess if it is a very cowardly person or the

former lead singer of Merillion under the working title Chicken or Fish.

If that's not to your taste, then there is of course the late break show.

Lots of excellent videos on there.

What's going on?

What we're doing and where should we come from?

Yes.

I say hello to everyone who knows me now.

The latest episode is actually part two of my bargain Tesla car.

Explaining I've now done 277,000 miles since I bought it last May.

You haven't done 277,000 miles there, have you though?

No.

I bought it at 262,000 and it's now I'm reading 277,000.

I just wanted to show that especially I've changed the oil or I've had the oil changed

on it.

A lot of people go, you don't need to change oil on EVs.

Well, you've sought to do if you want to make them last as long as possible.

I explain about that and a couple of other little knickknacks.

Do I use ludicrous mode for the first time or is it insane?

It's one of the two.

I can't remember which one that car has.

Anyway, it's my five grand Tesla part two.

Drat mode.

Maybe that's what Elon should do next.

Drat.

Well, there's many things he should do next.

I think probably.

Is it too late for me to read a very short extract from a book of cars?

Yes, it is.

Oh, okay.

We're finishing the show.

Do it next time.

Second thing I want to share with you is that you need to go and buy boring car trivia

volume four right now.

Okay.

It's available from our merch shop at Smithinsniffer.com.

We also sell hats, t-shirts and stickers or from Amazon as an e-book or a paperback.

Please do it.

And the third thing I was going to share with you is a fact that I shared with our live

audience last week, which is that Glasgow has the third oldest underground railway network

in the world.

Which is, I was really impressed by that, but I'm not a native Glaswegian.

Yeah, this fact was not wowing the audience because they all knew it already because

most of them live in Glasgow and they were just like, yeah, we know.

They were quite proud of it.

As you would be asked, behind London and Budapest are the only older underground railways in

the world, but Glasgow had one pretty soon after they got there.

So there we go.

What a nice city Glasgow is as well.

It's fun.

It's a very handsome city, isn't it?

I was going to say, I really enjoyed it.

I'm going to be coming up again one day soon.

But for leisure and then also maybe a bond fund, we'll see.

Oh, okay.

Well, anyway, that's in the past now.

But just to reiterate, in the future, on the 5th of March specifically, we're at the Great

British Car Journey in Derbyshire in aid of Mission Motorsport.

It's a charity gig and it's going to be a little bit different to our normal live shows.

Hopefully it will be fun.

Please go to smithansniff.com and follow the tab for live shows to see details for that

or our beauty show on 2nd of April.

We hope to see some of you there.

But for now, thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Thanks, everybody.

Cheers, mate.

Thanks, mate.

And bye.

Bye.

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Yet one last hope remains.

Four ancient warriors are about to take to the stars and take the galaxy by storm.

Hey, so here's what you're going to do.

You're going to go to...

HTTPS.

They added that.

Colin.

Yeah.

God, check on that.

God, oh, don't we all?

I wish I were dead.

Colin, slash.

Dungeons and Daddies presents Grand Paws and Galaxies, an improvised actual place senior

star citizen space opera adventure coming February 10th to our solar system.

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