Midnight TOCA

Hey, it's Raj.

And Noah.

And we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong,

the show that explores the all-too-human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

But who isn't?

That's why each week we're talking about the topics that we could all use a little helping hand with,

whether it's making new friends as an adult, managing our emotions, or even dreaming.

We'll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right,

so the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong,

dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

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because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're going to be right here to help you do them better.

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I got given them to give to you.

Oh, OK.

So I've got in front of me, I'll rattle them for the purposes of the audio.

They're in that lovely plastic case, which you're familiar with, I'm sure.

Yes.

And I got gifted these.

I must say a massive thank you to the lovely folks at Barn Finds UK on Instagram and on YouTube.

Yeah.

They're lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely folks.

And I bumped into, as UK Barn Finds, I bumped into them at the Silverstone Auction when I was doing my hurried walk around for the preview,

which involved dodging lots of very loud race cars.

Yeah.

And they said, oh, we really like listening to the podcast.

And I was quite surprised by that, actually, just didn't expect them to be interested in such absolute tasks.

And they said, I've got a small present for you, Rich.

And I got a small corgi boxed maturancho.

Lovely, lovely, always welcomed.

And some more on that later.

And you got top trumps.

And it is, this is the thing that made me laugh.

It's titled Fast Cars, Old and New.

Oh.

And then when I go into it, I immediately, this is not a visual, I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have to,

I immediately took the cover car off and went, right, what have you got for me, Fast Cars, Old and New?

I've got a Ford Mustang 2.

Oh, God.

Which has a 2.8 V6 with 110 horsepower.

On premium gasoline.

Yeah, so immediately, okay, Fast Cars, right.

So I parked that one.

And then we go, okay, what else are you going to throw at me?

And you go, oh, okay, we've got, yeah, there's a Ferrari Dino in there.

You know, that's quite a fast thing.

Not the fastest Ferrari.

Not the fastest, not the fastest.

Then I got a Ford Thunderbird.

And they said, I was like, I don't recall the Ford Thunderbird being regarded as a fast car.

No.

But it does have more power than the Mustang 2.

It's got 340 horsepower, 6.3.

But my toothbrush has more power than the Mustang 2, so this isn't really it.

That's, this is a low bar they're setting.

I know, I know.

But let me guess, is it like the, you know, every top Trump's pack has that card that always wins because it's the best.

Yeah.

It's, you know, it's the Tyrannosaurus Rex in the dinosaurs one.

Yeah.

And we're at the Velociraptor.

I can't remember.

Anyway, you know what I mean.

And there's, there's, I imagine sort of somewhere in that pack, then there's like a vector or something.

Well, I'm looking through because this is quite old.

You've got Mercedes-Benz Gullwing, 3.0-litre CSL Beamer, Maserati Mirac,

Fiat 1500 Cabriolet.

Again, it's not.

It's not a fast car, that.

It's not a fast car.

Although it's very hot.

Fiesta SI.

It's, it's only got 20 horsepower less than the Mustang 2.

And yet it's obviously 1500 CC being called the 1500s.

Cabriolet, isn't it amazing?

This reminds me of when my mate Paul, he used to look across the road from me, was given top Trump's Britpop bands.

Oh, but it was actually made clear on the packaging.

It was Britpop bands, volume two.

So they'd already done one set of Britpop bands.

Now, there's not enough Britpops.

No, how many cards are usually in a pack of top Trumps?

Oh, like 40, 50.

Yeah, I mean, there's a stack here.

I'm not going to count them because that's really dull.

And it became very clear that they had exhausted all of the agreed Britpop bands in volume one.

Volume two was the most random grab bag of stuff.

It's like skunkin' Nancy and stuff.

And you go, that's nothing wrong with skunkin' Nancy, but I would not call them a Britpop band.

No.

They were sort of close to Alan Partridge's.

Oh, well, like, you know, like Britpop bands like Def Leppard.

No, there's a Def Leppard.

Definitely not.

I've got, I'm just looking here.

We've got a, we've got a Fiat 130 Coupe.

OK.

From 1972.

Yes, a very boxy, handsome thing.

3.2 of the litres.

Why did they not just throw the Mustang 2 in the bin and call it top Trump's lovely cars?

Yes, sweet, sweet cars.

Wouldn't it be that?

Sweet, sweet cars?

Yes.

So the premise is not about performance, handling any other prowess.

It's just, do we think this is a sweet, sweet car?

Yes or no?

Actually, this gives me a thought.

Who makes top Trumps?

Are they a buzzness in their own right?

Yeah, they are a buzzness.

They're British, aren't they?

Top Trumps is a British thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is, yeah.

If, if anyone from top Trumps is listening and that can we do a Smith and Sniff top Trumps,

which just cars that we like and you could have your mattress show in there.

Oh yeah, sweet, sweet, sweet car.

Yeah, other things that we're always mentioning for reasons we can't entirely explain.

You know, Nissan 350Z or.

Well, Hispano Suizes, you've got.

Hispano Suizes.

I'm always mentioning those again, car, the Dita Marseille Pantera, whatever,

but it'd be a random grab bag.

So you never know what you're going to get next on your first play.

I can tell you that they print top Trumps in St.

Austel in Cornwall.

I can tell you that.

How do you know this?

Because I've just found it out by going online and they make two point

five million packs of the iconic car game every year.

Apparently.

Yeah, there we go.

Interesting, isn't it?

Yeah, that is interesting.

Well, I mean, it feels like one of those things I'd say at the end of the show.

That's interesting.

Trumps is made in St. Austel.

You go, OK, yeah.

Didn't know that, but don't really need to either.

I'm pretty sure it's produced.

That's nice.

It is, it is.

Well, I don't know any more than that.

But I don't want to bore the listeners.

But I used to have I've still got several old packs myself,

which one day I'll share with you, Rich.

But yeah, there's one.

Actually, there's one here that interested me,

which was the fact that the very old pre-war Mercedes compressors

by Jove, they were powerful.

They were serious contenders.

No wonder people try and grab those for for historic racing

and millimilia type activities.

What are we talking?

Well, we've got a 1927 Mercedes-Benz S compressor here,

6.8 litre, six cylinder

and obviously supercharged, hence the name, 180 horsepower.

180 brake horsepower in 1927.

That's astonishing.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's serious grunt, my friend.

Yes, grunt.

Grunts.

People say grunt much.

No, no.

It's what old people saying snazzy.

Snazzy and souped up.

Souped up, I forgot about souped up.

Yeah, souped up.

But you know, there's one photo of another sort of pre-war German car,

BMW 328, which again is

a lovely looking, very swoopy thing.

I'm slightly offended, though,

because the photo that they've chosen of it,

it's got the wheel, the front wheels turned

pointing towards the camera operator,

which means you can see a lot of gusset.

Oh, is it showing a bit of skin?

It's showing too much inner arch and

and usually the inner arch is still got like mud in it

because they haven't hosed it down properly.

And that irritates the shit out of me

when people photograph cars with the wheels like that,

because it just it doesn't look right.

It makes it look very, very weedy,

even when it's quite a stocky, impressive car.

No, I know.

Am I just being an effing pedant?

No, you have to always tread carefully

with a turned wheel in a photograph.

I think it can actually make the car look worse

and not more interesting.

No.

Can I just apologise if you can hear in the background

some absolute pipe in my neighborhood

has just started up a leaf blower, I think.

Oh, no.

Which is some is no good at all.

Anyway, talking as we were about top trumps

and comparing cars, it feels like a only slightly clunky segway

into chatting about piston heads auctions.

The sponsors of this episode of Smith and Sniff

as regular listeners will know every month,

we pick two cars from the piston heads auctions

and discuss them.

And then you can go to pistonheads.com forward slash Smith

and Sniff, it'll take you to a page on the forum

where you can debate who has chosen better.

Shall I kick things off with my choice this month?

Go on your you've got it.

I've just I've just gone online to the auction page.

Gosh, there's some there's some nice stuff

which I'd like to talk about, but it ends kind of tonight.

So that's not going to work.

Well, yes, I had a little bit of a dilemma

because when I looked at the stuff that's coming up,

my eye was immediately drawn to a 2020 Porsche Cayman GT4.

2020, 2020, 2020, 2020, which is in black.

Now, the thing about those Cayman GT4s is,

A, they're brilliant, but B, they sit so well.

They have one of the best examples of stance

that you can see in any car.

And I was kind of drawn to that.

But then also someone from piston has said,

oh, that's the first GT4 we've had going through our auctions.

So it's it's only got 10,000 miles on it as well.

But anyway, I decided against that in the end

because I was then distracted by something a little more classic,

which is a 1979 Lotus Talbot Sunbeam.

Oh, gosh, it's three material.

Exactly. I've always had a thing about these.

My dad used to be an Talbot man.

And so yeah, I've spent some time in Talbot dealerships.

I remember him bringing home

there was a brochure for these cars, except it wasn't a brochure.

I think it was a bit pamphlety, but A4 sized.

Yeah, he brought one home and it was there was something

extremely exotic about this ordinary hatchback

that had been given the Lotus treatment.

So I've always had a bit of a thing.

This particular car, it's black, but with the silver

band around the middle as they all have.

Yeah. Gosh, it's good.

It's a pre facelift one with a slightly sort of inset headlights,

which I think I actually prefer.

I prefer. Yeah, I do.

So yeah, it's because obviously these cars, they were crisis,

then they were Talbots and then they had a facelift.

And they had a sort of fairly short, but also

confusingly different variations happened within that life.

Also, the way they were built was brilliantly complicated as well

because they built whole sunbeams in GLS spec

in the factory in Scotland.

Is it Linwood? Linwood?

Linwood, yeah.

And then they beefed up the front strut towers, I think,

and added a thicker anti-roll bar and various other bits of

different suspension.

But then each car was stuck on a truck with no engine or gearbox

shipped down to a Lotus facility, not at Hethlis,

on the other side of Norwich.

They set up a special place where the cars then had their engine

and gearbox fitted because it was the Lotus

2.2. It was a 2.2, wasn't it?

I totally forgot it was a 2.2.

I knew it was like 65 slant four, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't know it was 2.2.

Well, in the late 70s, very futuristic.

And then the final bit of the sort of production process,

they were shipped to Chrysler slash Talbots facility

in Coventry to have a final quality control inspection.

And then they were sent out to dealerships.

So they had this very convoluted production process.

Yeah.

But the end result was fantastic, in my view.

This particular car, it has about 73,000 miles on it

and it's been completely restored.

So the whole thing has has been spanked.

I'm looking through pics.

And I absolutely I'm loving this thing.

I think it's great.

They were saying was so much more powerful than I remember.

Well, 150 horsepower is stock.

Now, this one because it's had a seaman

who people know rebuilt these engines.

It had a seaman engine rebuilt 15 years ago

with the add says new and uprated parts, including 420 lift cams,

ported and flowed head steel buckets, big bore manifold and exhaust

caused with pistons and a fully balanced bottom end.

That thing's going to fly.

It's claiming 220 horsepower.

Yeah, which I mean, the thing is

it doesn't weigh anything. No.

So that is going to be, I think, it will feel really fast.

Five speed ZF box on it, which is lovely, which is lovely.

Rear wheel drive, of course.

So, you know, they are they are skiddy, if you want them to be, I imagine.

Yeah, which is dampers on the front adjustable gas dampers at the back.

It feels like it's been set up for fun.

It's not totally original.

It's got Alfa Romeo seats in it for some reason.

I saw that. I bet they're 156 seats, which are just those glorious

is it Momo Momo seats?

I think Momo made those seats for Alfa.

They're really good seats.

So the greatest scrapyard find seat out there.

Oh, they might be.

They've got that sort of ribbed.

Yes, they look classic panels.

Yeah, they are.

Anyone wants to put a seat in a classic car and not look too shit.

The Alfa six seat is a great, great seat.

Yeah, they are sort of modernish alpha because they've got a plastic

release handle on the sort of top shoulder that tips them forward.

So they're definitely not, you know, oldie alpha seats.

But they're in pale leather.

And then the door cards and everything are trimmed accordingly.

So it all matches.

It doesn't. Yeah, it's cool.

You almost believe it's factory.

So that's all good.

JPS center boss.

Oh, my God. Exactly.

Yeah. And it's got the instruments have been refurbed as part of the restoration.

It's been given a rally work spec rev counter, which goes up to 10,000,

which is a sweet little touch, I guess.

And so, yeah, I've no idea what this will go for,

because they are actually rather sought after nowadays, aren't they?

And they do go once they were not exposed that valuable,

but because they just became a bit unfashionable.

But now people have realized they are, in fact, brilliant.

So I think, you know, this

this is quite an interesting prospect, but also because it's not totally original.

It's like it's not been babied.

So you could use it.

I imagine. Yeah.

But also knowing that someone's gone through it and sort of fixed it up

and made it look nice, but it's not.

Yeah, it's not a total sort of museum quality, as people say.

With the old split split room

and compromotives on it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I love these anyway, because they're they're they're a shortened Avenger,

basically, aren't they?

That's what the chassis always was.

It was an Avenger made better for rally and

and turned into a hatchback.

And so this was one of the latter

rally car, rear wheel drive rally cars to win a WRC, I'm sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

There's only, I think, the O37 after this.

Yeah. So these things were proper, proper little heroes

and still a fraction of the money of a hot escort.

Oh, yeah. And that's why I've always had a thing for these.

And you and I, we've we've done the Roots Group thing, the chat in the past.

We have a bit of Roots Group worship, family background.

So I would I would love a hot tub or something.

And this one, it's it's my era.

It's very much my own.

Well, so that's a good contender, Richard.

I like it. OK, I like it very much.

I will I'm just going to do special mention to the fact that there was

well, there's two cars, which the oceans will still be alive

when listeners tune into this on Monday.

One of them is a Jag XFRS, which we both love.

An unbelievably good car and fast car.

There's one of those that is still on up for auction.

So 2014 car with just over 100,000 miles.

But I wanted to mention the Volvo V70

Polestar from 2015, that's that ends on Wednesday at eight p.m.

So you have time to go and sniff around it and register and put a bid in.

It's a V 60.

Yeah, what did I say?

Oh, V 70. Oh, anus.

Sorry. So yes, it's a sleeker sleeker one.

It is a sleeker smaller one.

Yeah, still in the the typical cyan is a cyan yellow.

I think it's called blue.

Oh, my gosh, what am I doing?

It's because I'm thinking of the Sweden flag.

This wasn't the colour blindness.

This was a no, I can't blame it on that.

No, I was thinking of the memory.

I was looking at the car and thinking of the Swedish flag.

I've only just realized is that why that Volvo blue is that?

Hang on, is the Swedish flag that blue?

I can't think. I don't think I think it's an artistic interpretation of unrelated.

Yeah, anyway, so it's definitely a V 60 Polestar

and it's definitely cyan blue and it's a very, very seldom seen car.

This is done to forty seven and a half thousand miles.

It's over 400 horsepower from the old three litre six cylinder.

This is a two previous owner thing.

It's full stainless exhaust.

This thing has extensive stage two related upgrades.

What I love about it is the fact that piss and heads of kindly quoted

Smith and sniff in the particulars of this of this car.

I'm just scrolling down because the as usual, the description is extensive.

In the summary, which is right at the bottom,

this car is an exquisite example of the mark.

In the words of Smith and sniff, you'd be hard pushed to find another.

I think Seranoff would would probably give you a pat on the back for this

and go fair dues.

If you were trying, if you were wanting one of these,

it would not be an easy car to find.

But the fact this thing's dyno to over four four hundred horsepower.

The current owner's done thirty two thousand miles over six hundred and

seventy newton meter torque.

So these work. Let me get this right.

I'm trying to remember. They were restricted in amount of cars built.

I think seven fifty were built of those one hundred and twenty five were U.K.

cars and then most of them were in this blue,

but you didn't have to pick it in the blue.

I don't think, but it's the one that you'd want to a bit like escort.

No, Focus RS people always want the blue, the blue ones, don't they?

But this thing, yeah, I remember driving one of these for fifth gear.

I'm sure. I'm sure I drove one for fifth gear.

I might have even gone over to Sweden to actually do it somewhere.

Buried on the internet. There'll be a video.

But now I think this is cool.

It's currently bid as we see it with six days left as seven grand.

Don't know what these are worth because I haven't looked lately.

But well, they just don't come up very much.

No, do they? Because they're so few.

So it really is a proper Saranov territory.

It is. And it's got the adjustable

Olin suspension, which on its own is probably worth about 60 grand.

So just buy the car, take the Olin suspension off and then weigh it in.

There you go. You made some money on it, probably.

Easy car buying advice from Smith and Sniff.

Yeah, I think this is great.

But the XFR is also lemon sexy.

In fact, this is the this is the problem.

You see you see another one, then you see another one.

We've seen this BMW 325 convertible, which.

How many cars are you picking this?

Well, I don't know.

It's like you're cheating.

I'm just I am being a bit of a naughty swine.

It's because, you know, why?

Look how leafy the backdrop is for the 1988 325 I convertible E30.

It's home counties, village green.

The top is down and it reminds you of how damn good the convertible

of the E30 is. It's that lovely flat deck.

Such a sweet, sweet shape.

This is a pre facelift one as well, which.

Yeah.

They're sort of the the the rear lights on the facelifted E30.

I like them, but they are a bit sort of blocky, aren't they?

And there's something sort of a little bit more pure

and elegant about the pre facelift lights, particularly on the Cabrio,

because it's such a sweet, sweet and simple shape.

It's I think it because it doesn't look very motorsporty.

It just looks handsome and Germanic.

And that's why I think it's fine that it's an automatic

because they weren't bad autos.

Anyway, it's not like the autos were an awful box.

They were are they are they a ZF on this?

I think there is a thought. So yeah, yeah, four speed.

And three to five is the one that it sounds more powerful than it really is.

But it's not slow.

They've got that sort of hollow, but basic exhaust note.

Yes, they have.

I'm glad you described it like that

because I don't think I could have done it better.

That there's the best exhaust note, so I can hear that car.

It's if there is a noise and also with the auto.

Now, I agree.

I don't think the auto is a problem because it's a cruiser, isn't it?

It is a cruiser.

And you could that top down.

One hundred and seventy horses by it now.

Tuck it away for winter next summer.

You've forgotten you bought it.

You open the garage and go, oh, look at that.

I've got a summer cruiser ready to go.

And look, it was the look the radio was replaced last year

with an age appropriate Blaupunk Bluetooth unit

and the hounds tooth, the dog's tooth, hound dog tooth,

dog ain't nothing but a hound dog tooth.

Interior. Yeah.

Being sat on all the time.

Yes, minimal wear or sag.

That's what it says.

So I I've got I've got time for this

and that's why we're talking about it

on the piston heads.

So this is your choice.

OK, yes, I think I'll go for E30,

but I'd like people to also doff their cap to the V60 Polestar.

Yeah.

And yeah, just just go on there and have a look at that.

There's some sweet treats, darling.

There are. All right.

Well, there we go.

Make your choice.

If you care to, pistonheads.com forward slash Smith and sniff.

Is it my 1979 Lotus Tolbert Sunbeam

or Johnny's 1988 BMW 325i convertible?

Both, I would say, modern classics.

But go to pistonheads.com and have a look at the auctions.

They've got all sorts of stuff on there.

The BMW, by the way, the auction started on Sunday, the seventh.

So that will be running for a week.

The if you listen to this on the Monday that the podcast comes out,

the Lotus Sunbeam doesn't start until Wednesday.

So plenty of time to look down the back of the sofa.

Find some money to buy it.

Stop it.

Hey, it's Raj.

And Noah.

And we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong,

the show that explores all two human anxieties we have

about trying to get our lives right.

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

But who isn't?

That's why each week we're talking about the topics

that we could all use a little helping hand with,

whether it's making new friends as an adult,

managing our emotions or even dreaming.

We'll be talking to experts in their fields

who are definitely doing things right.

So the rest of us can be a bit wiser

and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong,

trapping every Thursday starting January 1st,

wherever you get your podcasts.

And for the first time ever,

we're going to have full video episodes on YouTube.

Because as long as there are things to get wrong,

we're going to be right here to help you do them better.

Love y'all.

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I'm still looking at the pollster.

Would you call it a pollster or a pollster?

I think we established it a while ago

that it's a pollester.

And we will brook no arguments on this

until it's old otherwise.

Pollester.

Anyway, can I change subject a little bit?

Do.

I wanted to mention something I saw just the other day.

For years people have complained about front fog light bell ends.

Yeah.

And I think I feel like front fog light bell ends

have gone away a bit.

And it might be because front fogs

have become less of a thing.

They're not sort of a fashionable way of showing

you've got a higher trim level the way they used to be.

This is true.

But there may be a new type of bell end

to take their place.

And it's the roof light knob head.

Roof light?

Have you seen on typically this will

be on a new defender or a Ford Ranger?

Aftermarket LED spot thing.

I think so.

Do they not do the defender not have factory?

Defender has those.

Defender has that pod that was an option or is an option perhaps.

Yeah.

That has two kind of eyebrows which are quite discreet.

They mold it in, aren't they?

Yeah, I think that's factory, isn't it?

But yeah, and I don't know about the Ranger,

but certainly there's loads of aftermarket ones.

And there is in most cases, I would say,

absolutely no fucking need.

But people spec them all the same.

I was on the M4 the other day in the lashing rain.

And I saw going the other way someone in a new defender

and they had got their roof lights on.

Oh, gosh.

And I just thought, now look, it's not, it was rainy,

but it was daytime.

So your lights are on so other people can see your car.

You don't need to see the way.

It's not that dark or a tropical rainstormy.

No.

And all you're doing is blinding people

in their rear view mirrors in already challenging conditions.

Yeah.

You are an absolute sleeve.

Yeah, this is, it's not acceptable.

It's not acceptable at all.

I think if it was thick fog or you were in,

I don't know, a very rural nighttime part of Finland.

Yes, it's absolutely.

That's fine.

Yeah.

But that's because you're not being inconsiderate to others.

You are, in fact, trying to try to get away.

Trying to get home safe or going into a tree.

Exactly.

Totally legit use of those lights.

That's why they exist.

Yeah.

On the M4 just near Chippenham because it's raining a bit.

No, you're being a prick.

Yeah.

I just wanted to put that out there.

But that's, I think the front fog is sort of not really a thing

anymore, but it's absolute arsewitz have found a new way

to tell the world.

We've had a little letter from a chap called Simon Daniels

who answered my question the other week

about sweet, sweet 1960s monologue.

And he actually sent us a suggestion for the monologue.

I can't decide whether he's totally made it up

or whether it was based on some truth.

Would you mind if I would read this to you?

Here we go.

As a consequence of building peer pressure

as well as approaching a very significant birthday milestone,

I finally decided to put pen to paper

and document my early life with a particular focus

on what I affectionately call my sweet, sweet 60s

Both Dorian and I had thoroughly workshopped this title

as authors tend to do nowadays,

rejecting the more obvious epithets

such as Confessions Over 60s Aesthetic

or Confessions Over 60s Person

or Soho Snob's and Brighton Yob's.

Anyway, the excerpt I've chosen, I think,

clarifies my life on the fringes of both

and the Soho and Brighton scenes,

which is, frankly, a confession of sorts

for just a smidge of danger.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter one, Our Western Adventures.

It was the summer of 63,

which after quite possibly the worst

and most severe winter on record,

was a welcome tonic for both mind and for body.

Dorian Bilbrie, a lifelong chairman or automotive diva,

had just been given.

Oh, had just given me his pristine Laguna Beige Mini Cooper

with Houndstooth Interior as a 30th birthday present.

I think the Houndstooth with Dorie's idea

as he purchased most of his country attire

from the blissfully elegant Huntsman boutique on Savoreau.

Anyway.

I can't tell if this is made up or not.

That's why I, that's what I said.

Anyway, July rolled around,

brimming with whimsy and glorious possibilities.

So he decided to forego unusual Brighton Coastal Retreat

in favor of a trip to see our friends, Oscar St. Vuiz,

who had a delighted appointed,

delightfully appointed,

faux castle overlooking Western super mayor.

He said he'd given all his staff the week off

so we could have it to ourselves.

I accepted with the provisor that Oscar would have

to play the role of tour guide par excellence for the week.

He agreed.

And so Dorie and I set off for the wilds of Worston.

Dorie resplendent in his three piece

Conker Brown Houndstooth Hunting Ensemble.

And yours truly in a rather fetching peacock print,

silk smoking jacket, courtesy of the Beatnik Parisian

left bank designer, John Stephen,

who had it open.

He said, oh, dude, open this kind of street branch

in the late fifties.

Of course, Watson, our age, but devoted Irish Wolfhound,

commandeered the back seat and made an excellent third

as we trundled our way through glorious Middle England

towards sunny Western.

The journey itself was fairly uneventful,

save for a mildly distracting incident

in the car park of the dog and trumpet public house,

where Watson took a shine to a bewitching Irish setter

called Sylvia.

I was forced to separate them mid-exchange

with a metal.

With a metal shoehorn and a lit, rolled up copy

of the observer.

No serious damage was done, though.

We arrived at Castle Vue's, around three,

and sadly consumed most of the Fortnum soma hamper.

Meant, oh, and had consumed most of the Fortnum soma hamper

meant as a thank you gift for Oscar.

I must say the quail's eggs, souffle,

and black truffle ravioli were the standout dishes

for myself.

Oscar met us with him.

Met us by lifting his poor, Oscar met us

by lifting his poor colours.

He was wearing a bright and very shiny suit of, again,

caught armour, carrying his trusty mace.

I knew it was him by his left-sided limp.

An injury he'd sustained trying to shoe

a sleeping horse to him.

Pfft.

What the...

Shoe is...

Shoe is sleeping horse.

What?

Do you think he's fresh a year at Eaton?

That's just ridiculous.

I've just realised I'm only a third of the way through.

Oh, my God. This might have to be a three-months.

Ah, well, there we go.

I'll end it by just saying,

his choice of rooms was exquisite.

Dory had the Culloden suite,

and I was ensconced in the Getty Berg Room.

My Oscar, he loved his battles.

Fortified with an excellent breakfast of jelly deals

smoked havoc and fluffy kegery,

we set about exploring the delights of Western Supermaire.

And that's where I will end it.

We will find out more about what happened in Western Supermaire.

Wow. Very, very soon.

I still can't work out how frictionless it is.

Or not, maybe not.

Sort of hope not, but...

Simon Daniels, this was...

This took you a while to write.

Thank you.

It gets good. It gets good on the beach of Western Supermaire.

Well, there we go. This is to be continued.

Yeah. We'll have to do a previously un-60s man.

Since we're reading out listeners' messages,

I wanted to do a quick shite-out from two listeners

who've written together.

They say, on that side of things,

we hope you don't mind us asking,

but it is our amazing daddy, Dave's birthday

on the 2nd of September.

Sorry, we have overshot that, but retrospectively,

happy birthday, Dave.

They say he's going to be 50 years old.

He's the best dad anyone could wish for,

and we love him very much.

Please, could you wish him an extremely happy birthday?

Well, there we go. Happy birthday, Dave.

Happy 50th. It's a good age to be.

We listen to your podcasts whenever we go on a road trip,

and the whole family own a Smith & Sniff t-shirt.

We find you very funny, you SSGs,

but we are definitely not allowed to repeat what we hear.

Please keep up the amazing podcast,

you're part of the family, Azura & Mahari, age 12 and 8.

Great names.

P.S.

Well, they say, P.S., look at our names.

They're both cars.

Yeah, Mahari, Azura.

I presume this was not snuck through by Dave.

I've always liked Mahari.

Isn't that a plastic-bodied 2CV thing?

No, no, just like it.

It is a good name, isn't it?

It is a great name.

There we go.

Well, Azura & Mahari, thank you for writing it.

That was really sweet, and a happy birthday belatedly to Dave.

I was going to read something out

that's definitely not as long as what I read out before

by somebody called Simon Carroll,

who I think is from New Zealand.

Ah.

Hi, Simon.

He's put here, I was perusing New Zealand's

almost direct copy of eBay called Trade Me,

looking for a suitable motorbike for my seven-year-old.

Seven, I don't know why I said it like that,

for my seven-year-old.

Eversus.

Well, I came across the following.

A Suzuki DRZ70, listed for a mere $2,200.

I read the description

and we're looking for further information

in the questions section of this ad,

a feature that eBay doesn't have yet, I believe.

I stumbled upon perhaps the most bizarre way of admitting

to be a gentleman from a certain generation

without openly admitting to have been old enough

to go on a seven-day road trip for a spot of tea in the 60s.

The chap opens his question on this children's motorcycle

by asking if it would be appropriate

for his ethnic farm worker who was in his 40s

to be able to ride it.

He then goes on to describe his worker's abilities

as unable to use a clutch,

keeps crashing and falls off a lot.

And he's sent me the screenshots of it

and it's unbelievable.

And there's a photo of it.

So it's a very, very small,

yellow little Suzuki kids' field bike.

Right.

And the reply is just, sorry, it's a kids' bike.

So, just wasn't expecting that.

The language there in the question leads me to believe

that this man wears a pith helmet

or at least one of those rich man Pebble Beach hats,

and is a bit sort of Wendon's Ambowee.

It's a bit.

But the new Swedish version of a bit, a lot.

A bit, a bit of Wendon's Ambowee.

Anyway.

I just can't believe the stuff that we get sent in.

I really can't.

It's just taken me, thanks for that Simon,

thanks for listening from the other side of the actual world.

That's fantastic.

Here's one just to lodge in the brain,

since we're in letters corner.

It's from a listener called Doug.

Now in the past, I think we've acknowledged that

all Mark I but facelifted Mondeos

have a rear bumper held together with gaffer tape.

Yeah.

All K12 micros seem to have

a sort of perfectly hemispherical dent

in the rear bumper.

All Mark I cashkis have the rear number plate finisher

where the light lives falling off

and often held on with gaffer tape.

Yes.

These things we know.

Doug has observed a new one,

which he invites us to try and spot.

Oh.

He says, following a dismal attempt

to contact you on Instagram about this issue.

Well, don't, there's a general rule,

don't try and contact us on Instagram

because it's a hellscape of private messages

and often they're just junk, aren't they?

It's just, we can't, we can't organize them

and we can't log them and catalog them.

It's just, it's just a mess.

So, that's why sorry, Doug and everyone else

but he says, I'm not trying the email approach.

I need answers to cut to the chase.

Almost every brackets 80% plus,

generation one Honda Jazz I come across

has a dented boot lid.

Once you've noticed this,

you will not be able to unsee it.

Though admittedly, most early jazzes look like

they've been recovered from the seabed.

There are occasional de-cherished to deceased spec examples

that are wearing well,

but these two all seem to have a dented boot lid.

I've even come up with a theory

about the magnification of the rear view mirror

making things look further away than they really are.

Please check this out for yourselves and report back.

I would truly appreciate it

if your listeners could explain this phenomenon

as it is consuming more of my thoughts than it should.

My wife would probably appreciate me

be able to conclude this matter too.

CMTNB, Doug.

Well-

I've not noticed this.

I need to-

I've not.

I need to find some jazzes.

Well, I mean, they are everywhere.

Once you, like Mark I, Yaris' eyes,

they are everywhere once you realize.

They're just sort of like lamp posts.

You don't really clock they're there

until you make a concerted effort to look at them.

And you go, God, they're fucking everywhere

these things.

I will report back,

but also if listeners have anything to add to that,

that is quite an interesting homework assignment for everyone.

You know, that song, The Joker by Steve Miliband.

Yes.

Which is one of my favorite songs.

Is it?

Yeah, I love it.

I might have it played at my funeral.

I haven't decided yet.

Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah, well, maybe it's not, but I don't know.

But you know, it says, I'm a Joker.

I'm a smoker.

I'm a midnight toker.

Yes.

I keep thinking about the touring car organization.

And I wonder whether or not,

is he one of those guys who is about to go to bed

and then goes on to one of those random sport channels

on TV and goes, oh, hang on a minute.

There's Australian touring cars that just started the race.

Yeah.

Oh, I could probably, oh, I might crack another cannon.

What do you think of that?

And before you know it, it's four in the morning

and you don't really know what you're watching,

but you're watching it anyway.

I think Night Toker.

I'd never thought about that.

Because do you remember that song by Fragma,

Toker's Miracle?

Yes.

I always thought that was about touring cars.

It was like touring cars, Miracle.

What was that?

That touring car Miracle.

John Clellan's Cavalier is still going,

even though it's bumped into two other cars in the race.

Yeah, I'd never thought about that.

Midnight Toker.

It's the Midnight Toker.

What does Toker actually stand for, remind me?

Well, I think it's just a contraction of touring cars,

isn't it?

So, T-O from touring, I think.

Is that what it is?

It doesn't actually-

I've never thought about it.

I just always assumed that, but-

I should ask people like Jason Plato who might know.

But I haven't.

I've been there organized.

He's a midi, could be a Midnight Toker.

I bet.

Yeah, well, maybe so.

Speaking of misheard lyrics,

I heard Walking in Memphis by Mark Cone the other day.

Yes.

Not the share version.

No, not the share version.

Also, it wasn't that-

Didn't someone else do it?

There was like a sort of Euro dance version.

There was a Ray version.

So, the Mark Cone version,

I suddenly realized that,

you know, that line,

which I always thought was,

I'm walking with my feet 10 feet off a beam.

It's a bit like a balancing act,

or like you've gone to a gymnastic center or something.

That's a bit weird in the middle of this song.

Like a balance bar thing.

But when I heard it the other day,

so like, is he singing,

I'm walking with my feet 10 feet off a BM.

Oh, what's he doing?

I'm walking with my feet 10 feet off my BM.

Yeah.

Why is he walking over cars?

In which case, that's just stupid and you shouldn't do it.

Well, he's pissed and he's coming back from the pub.

Oh, he's one of those people.

He's one of those slight wrongies

and starts walking over people's cars

like they used to do in the 80s and the 90s.

I don't know if they do it so much now.

I hope not.

It's really obnoxious, isn't it?

But it's trying to impress his mates

by walking with his feet.

But 10 feet off a BM,

maybe he's trying to jump over the BM.

What, clear it without touching it?

Yeah, but then that song was out in the early 90s.

Do you think if you wanted to do that,

you'd pick a Z3 because they're quite low?

Yeah, you're less likely to clatter your shins on a Z3.

Yeah, but I don't think the Z3 was out

when the song was released.

So it's going to be something bigger like a three series.

I mean, it'd be probably an E33 series.

You're going to, in fact,

just face plant on the roof at best.

Unless it was a full Rude Boy edition,

which was decked and on some big AC schnitzels or as a vase.

And then that's a good one.

I don't even know what that that that

I don't know what the correct lyric of that song is.

Well, I was so curious because I was like,

I assume it's not BM,

but also I walk you my feet, 10 feet off a beam is bit.

Oh, what?

What's I don't or he's gone again, drunk,

trying to impress his friends.

Oh, no, broken into a building site.

They're pushing up a metal frame building and he's up there.

Oh, no.

And he's going to it's an episode of casualty.

Yeah.

And he's going to be wearing some real skitty,

like going out shoes.

Isn't it? Yeah.

Horrible leather, leather-bottomed ones.

Or would he be low for territory then?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about Mark Cone, really.

I don't he's a he's one hit wonder, is he not?

Or is he is he one of those people who actually like,

if you know him, you know,

he's in fact an incredibly long and successful career.

And done like 90 albums.

Is that song better than Cuddly Toy by Rocheford?

Oh, no.

It's not, is it?

No, it's not even close.

No, it's not.

But the and I love that song,

but it's become such an Alan Partridge.

Recognize song because of the end of that film.

But the genius of using it at the start of that movie.

It was really just Cougan.

Steve Cougan's attention to detail when it comes to cars

and music particularly is so good.

He doesn't just go with his first thought.

He really sweats the details on this stuff.

I did look up the lyric of walking in Memphis the other day

because it was bugging me.

I was like, what can it be?

Yeah, and what is it?

I was walking with my feet 10 feet off of Beale.

What?

What's what he uses an off of.

And he says off of 10 feet off of Beale.

Beale Street is a street in Memphis, apparently.

So he thinks he's metaphorically hovering down a big street

in well known streets in Memphis.

Yes, so it seems to be a Ian Beale,

the character from EastEnders.

No, he's not.

He is not Trudden.

He's not done some kind of like crazy martial arts move

where he's leapt in the air or wrestling.

It's more like a wrestling move.

He's leapt in the air and he's about to land

with full force on Ian Beale.

Oh, he's done a, it is a wrestling move, a 10 foot Beale.

If you can land, if you can successfully land

a 10 foot Beale against your opponent,

you are, that's an instant KO.

Yeah.

And your singlet, honestly, your singlet,

you've got to be assured

that your singlet's going to stay on.

So much force involved that it could tear that bad boy down.

You could show a bit of extra skin

to be in real trouble.

By the way, listeners, I need to apologise.

If I'm being a little bit more random than usual

on this particular podcast,

my house has run out of coffee

and I only found out about eight minutes

before we were due to go and record this.

I messaged Richard and went,

oh, I'm in so much trouble.

I put the kettle on and then turned around

and realised there was nothing.

There was no coffee in this house, none.

It was more alarming because you actually messaged me

and said there's been a tragedy

and I honestly thought that someone or thing had died.

So, I mean, it is a tragedy.

It's a disaster.

No one wants to run out of coffee.

No.

Unless they don't like coffee.

But this may affect the quality of this show.

Just to complete this absolutely dead-end thought,

Beale Street is, yeah,

it's like the party bar street in Memphis,

apparently sort of like Broadway in Nashville.

Well, I think he's gone onto a construction site.

There's been a new bar

that's been under construction by slightly shady

local townsmen for a long time.

And this guy, what's his called again?

What are the things called?

Mark Cone.

I think Mark has done exactly what you said.

He's trodden down a bit of loose fencing

and he's gone in there with this

probably slightly billowy suit

after a night out on the source

and he's gone, I'm gonna do some chin-ups

at the end of the crane boom to impress my mates.

And that's where it's led.

That's what's happened there.

Holy shit.

What?

Mark Cone.

I was just trying to find out

if he is in fact a very long running musician,

which I think he is.

In 2005, he was shot in the head

during an attempted carjacking.

What?

Yeah.

So he's dead?

No.

The bullet barely missed Cone's eye

and lodged near his skull, near his skull.

Obviously that means in a wall,

not just like another part of his body.

He survived and was hospitalised

but released after eight hours.

After being shot in the head?

Yeah.

Oh my God.

It sounds like a graze but...

So hang on, we've stumbled across now

another totally unintentional car reference.

We've got to find out what his car was.

Well, they say according to this,

the doctors said that they believe

maybe the windscreen slowed the speed of the bullet

sufficiently that it didn't do more damage.

Oh my gosh.

Well now, carjacking, so you think,

well maybe he was in something quite tasty

that was worth stealing.

Mm, yeah.

Mercedes, BMW, Cadillac, don't know.

Well, what would you spend

the walking in Memphis millions on?

Well, listen, if he loved Elvis,

because there's a little Elvis reference there,

Memphis is obviously the home of the king.

Easy to Cadillac.

Where escalades were, no, they weren't around yet, were they?

Because the SUV toss hadn't waded in by that point

quite so much unless you count a Jeep wagon here as an SUV.

This story, I found a new story,

contemporary news story that says

before the shooting, the government had tried

to use a credit card at a nearby hotel,

then immediately ran from the building.

He tried to carjack another vehicle

as security guards pursued him

and then came across Cone's vehicle.

He then says he was last seen driving

a 2005 gold Subaru Forester with Colorado plates.

Well, but it's confusing as to whether

that's Mark Cone's car or if he then jacked another car.

This is an act by BetterHelp.

Did I talk too much?

I can't, I just let it go.

I should've stopped.

I was sinking so much.

I didn't go well.

Did I talk too much?

I should've stopped.

I was sinking so much.

Take a breath.

You're not alone.

Let's talk about what's going on.

Counseling helps you sort through the noise

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and online therapy makes it convenient.

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and let life feel better.

Well, that's very-

We seem to have gone down and Mark Cone

is old money if that's the case.

But that's it.

He didn't go nuts with the walking a Memphis money.

No.

I see this again, another thing.

This is confusing.

Maybe he knew.

We need answers.

I know if this Subaru was his Subaru,

this proves that he had a big hit,

only one hit, and he thought,

do you know what?

If I play my cards right,

I might be able to live off this frugally

and just get myself a champagne forester.

All right, no.

So it's more disappointing now, personally.

Obviously good news that Mark Cone survived,

but-

Yeah, that's not the disappointing bit.

The shooter, he made two unsuccessful attempts

at carjacking.

Attempted to steal a Chevrolet Impala,

and then ran down the street

and confronted a Ford van.

Inside the van was Mark Cone and his tour manager.

He tried opening the van door,

had no luck, so shot at the driver and passenger,

hitting manager Thomas Dube,

Dube in the chin and Cone in the temple.

Oh my gosh.

He then ran again,

finally succeeding in carjacking

a 2005 Subaru Forester.

So no, they were in a Ford van,

I guess a Tour van.

Yeah, I hope it wasn't that really awful van

that we always seem to talk about on our WhatsApps.

Oh no, not one of those.

Is it the Ford Aero Star?

Is it the Aero Star?

It's just the most awkward, horrid-looking van.

I just can't bear it.

It's really awful.

It needs to just go away and not come back ever.

Anyway, there we go.

We don't need to come back to the Mark Cone.

We don't want to start another

hooliardly situation,

but there we go, Ford van.

But he was on tour with Suzanne Vega,

so that figures it was a tour van.

It wasn't his personal transport.

Hey, do you know, I actually watched,

just out of pure curiosity and kind of rewinding time

and trying to remember how things were

with car television back in the day and all that.

I watched series one, episode two of Top Gear,

the other day.

As in from the sort of reboot in 2002.

Yes, so, can you remember anything about that episode?

No, I can remember the first episode,

the second one, gosh.

No, I, was J.K. the guest?

Yes, very good, wow, yeah.

J.K. was the star in the reasonably priced car,

and he had the main interview.

Yeah, very interesting actually.

Very giddy that day.

He was.

After the interview, he went back to,

he could have gone home,

had a car waiting to take him home,

but yeah, he's so excited to hang around.

That he, yeah, he was just sort of hanging about

and drinking beer out of our production office fridge.

And just generally sort of amusing the team.

I wasn't there because I was in the gallery,

but yeah, apparently he was just sort of there,

like just chatting away.

He was?

It was in the show then, I don't,

honestly, don't remember.

Well, of course it's so,

James May wasn't there yet.

It was Jason Dore.

And Jason Dore was doing some real world hints

and tips on buying certain cars.

Did that feature a Cadillac?

Oh, I don't,

I wanna say there wasn't a Cadillac in that one.

I need to rewind it.

I think there was lots of, there were Peugeots,

and there was also talk about Ford Focus RSs,

some dealers saying that you can't get them.

Oh hang on, was this the segment in the studio?

Yes.

Yeah, used news as it was called,

although actually it used to do lots of new deals

on Peugeots and things.

That's right.

Which was known in the production office as used snooze

because it was the least interesting part of the show.

Well.

And there was the Ford.

Poor old Jason had to do it.

The Ford Focus RS was the launch,

one of the main films on the show.

And Jeremy was doing it.

You might remember, I think he was in Wales

because there were lots of sheep involved.

Okay.

In the middle of nowhere.

Do you know what I love is the fact that,

I mean, I don't remember seeing this episode,

I will have done,

but his verdict on it was what I said about it in period

and why I didn't really like it.

And I've always had my arse torn for this

by lots of people going,

you can't say that about the Focus RS.

Well, well.

And actually I was like, no, I'm sorry.

The way that car talks did

and the aesthetics of the interior

were both highly offensive to me

to the point where I would not want that car.

I mean, the interior was so awful

that the color blue that they chose is so awful.

And the starter button just looks like

somebody's put a doorbell in the center console

because the car got stolen and recovered

the week before and the locks have been hollowed out.

It just looks horrible.

It was very aftermarket, wasn't it?

I remember that.

Just awful.

I didn't like that car on the road.

It felt better on the track

because at least the smooth surface allowed it to grip hard

where it seemed to get unsettled.

My colleagues at Eva got some flak

for basically saying they didn't really rate it either.

But then I think many years later

they drove another one which felt really sorted out

and it wasn't, hadn't been fiddled with apparently.

It's just, it seems like maybe either Ford made some changes

or they were just very sensitive to alignment

and tires and things and they could feel

pretty terrible, pretty bad.

But yeah, on the road.

On the road, just not.

I didn't, I don't remember loving it at all.

But this is the thing.

I think I preferred the ST

and of course the ST was,

it's actually a much more toned down car, isn't it?

It didn't really have a serious body kit

or anything like that.

So I think I preferred the Focus ST.

And I definitely preferred the Focus,

the second generation Focus ST looks wise

but the second generation Focus RS was the best, I think.

The second generation looked sort of burly to me.

Oh, so heavy set.

Heavy set, that's it.

Yeah, yeah.

So it was really interesting to watch that Focus RS review

and then Jeremy also did the noble

and he also, there was a shot of a clip of him

crashing a Ford RS 200 quite slowly into a field.

I don't, he sort of.

Yeah, Hammond kind of went,

oh, do you want to tell me what happened here, Jeremy?

When you were driving a few historic Fords

and because I think in that video,

Hammond drove a Ford Escort RS 1800.

Did he?

Yeah, and he said he never driven one.

Right.

And he said, this was like a childhood dream for him.

And he was driving around the track.

So it was kind of a bit weird.

It's probably, in those days,

we just sort of go, what do you want to do?

And Hammond might go,

yeah, I've never driven an RS S 1800.

All right, do you want to do that?

Yeah, do that.

Which is how he ended up in that bloody jet car

that almost killed him.

He was in the office one day.

What's your fancy doing, Rich?

And he went, do you know what I want to do?

I've always wanted to just drive really fucking fast

in something.

That's it.

That's the idea.

Hammond drives really fucking fast.

Became the idea and went, okay.

Yeah, why not?

That's weird.

Was the pace and the sort of tone

and everything felt really slow

and quite sort of car-y compared to how the show became?

Yes.

And I noticed the camera angles,

the sort of zoom crash-ins

and the Dutch tilting and the sort of,

there's a lot of spin and tumble going on.

Still a lot of Dutch angle in those days, yeah.

So it was very,

it almost felt quite 90s, late 90s with all of that.

Yeah.

Well, I mean,

But I really enjoyed it.

We've said a lot before that decades aren't actually

neatly arranged numerically.

Are they like the, you know,

the true 80s was sort of 83 to 87, 88 kind of thing.

And I think the 90s hung on into the 2000s.

So yeah, there's a definite hangover in all sorts.

I mean, how many bootcut trousers were in that show?

Oh, yeah.

There were quite a few bootcuts

and the people in the background,

a lot of that,

we'd invited the Ford RS owners club, I think, there,

because there were lots of sad cars

and Jeremy just took the piss out of all of them.

That was one of the original ideas,

overarching ideas for the whole show

before we started was each week,

there will be members of an enthusiasts club

relating to one or more of the cars that we're testing.

I don't remember why.

And it rapidly dropped away

because it didn't really give us anything

except Jeremy could just be a bit rude to them.

He was quite rude to them.

I think he was asking the bloke's names

and he said, what's your name?

And he went, he said, Lee, of course it's Lee.

And then he turns to the other guy next to him,

what's your name?

He said, Kev, of course you're called Kev.

Kevin and Lee.

In fact, all the men here are called Kevin and Lee,

I think he said something like that.

Yes.

I'm surprised he didn't get a nice slap.

Just weird because Jeremy is quite a false man.

Yeah, he is very false, isn't he?

Because he had an escort Cosworth, didn't he?

He had an escort Cosworth as a long-termer, yeah.

And his first car was a Cortina 1600E,

so he is a real folds man at heart.

Why doesn't he have an escort Cosworth now?

He should just go and buy a really clean example

of the Mark now.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

He's not really a big car collector though, you know.

No, he's not.

That Hammond or May or another Cotswold farmer

called Harry is, it's just doesn't,

I don't think, I suppose he's had decades

of borrowing other cars

and they're just having something really decent at home.

He keeps, he seems to keep quite a tight reign on it.

He's got, I mean, actually,

he's got some good stuff now

because he's got Alpha GT V6 from the Grand Tour.

That Mercedes Grosso,

a Jag F-type convertible V6S

that he bought on a bit of a whim

after having one on the Grand Tour.

Oh, nice.

And that old Range Rover that he tools around it

on the farm, that's his core fleet.

But you go, oh, see, that's all right.

That's not a bad collection of cars

because they're also doing something slightly different.

He's not an immaculate like car detail to the nines

in a perfect shed sort of bloke, is he?

I can't imagine he's like that at all.

No, he's got some, as you'd imagine,

he's got some strangely strident opinions

about washing cars.

Anyway, we should bring this into land,

but before we do, I've got three things to tell you.

The first is, Johnny's working on a new TV show

in which he persuades the former lead singer of Marillion

to dress in an enormous lion, tiger, or leopard costume

and then attempt to trick old men

out of their savings by convincing them

there's an attractive young woman inside the suit.

It's being developed under the working title Catfish.

If that's not to your taste,

then there is, of course, the late break show

that's going on there.

You're a prick.

You're such a strange prick.

Although I do enjoy them now,

I just can't believe you can cock them.

It's getting harder and harder.

I bet it is.

So, on the late break show

that's just gone live if you listen to this on Monday,

is the announcement and the first episode

showing the either genius or idiotic idea

of a Matra Rancho having the same wheelbase

as a Subaru and Pretzer WRX,

and thus someone has bought a ruined right-hand drive

Rancho, you might know,

and someone has decided to body swap it with a Subaru.

Who's that, Johnny?

Well, watch and learn,

as we would say.

Watch the episode, learn, giggle, shrug, comment,

whatever, subscribe.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Good.

Gosh, I need some coffee.

Yes.

Second thing I want to tell you is that

one week today,

if you're listening to this show on the eighth

when it goes out,

I am doing a solo live show of sorts.

It's being billed as an evening

with Richard Porter,

which makes me slightly cringe every time,

but this is part of a series of evening with events

at the British Motor Museum in Gaiden.

They've had Ian Callum,

they've had Peter Stevens,

they're MC'd by Paul Cowland,

who is a friend of ours,

and people will know from various things.

SSG, absolutely,

and from basically Nottingham as well.

Oh, yes.

The other week.

Yes.

So Paul's going to be on stage

and be asking me questions.

What we're going to do as part of it

is play in some clips from Old Top Gear,

as in the 2002 to 2015 iteration.

And then I'm going to talk about them,

tell a few little behind the scenes stories

and explain how they came about,

how they say something about the show

and what it was or what it became.

And I've never done that before.

So there'll be a few little things

that hopefully people have never heard before.

Go to the British Motor Museum website

and look under events

and you can buy tickets.

It's for charity.

It raises money for the museum

and the good work that they do.

And you get a slap up dinner thrown in as well.

Oh, great.

And I'll be knocking around

and chatting and signing stuff afterwards.

So it promises to be a lovely evening out.

So it's Monday the 15th of September,

that's happening.

And I think tickets are still available.

I hope so.

Are you going to be wearing a voluminous parachute-esque

double breasted NBA award-winning suit?

I thought about it,

but then I've had a complete change of direction

and gone the exact opposite.

So I'm going to be wearing one of those green

special effects leotards with cotton wool balls glued to it

that they use in movies.

One pole's just going to have to sit next to you

for the whole night looking normal.

Yeah, but if anyone's filming it,

I'll be able to then remove myself from the entire scene

because it'll key into the green.

Anyway, that's next week, basically next Monday.

So I hope to see some of you there.

And the third thing I was going to say is,

you know, Cars, the Gary Newman song.

It was a massive number one hit single.

And one of those songs that sort of has never gone away

because it has a sort of timeless interestingness to it.

But it's about three and a half minutes long,

classic pop song length.

But the vocals end really early.

And for basically the last two minutes of that song,

that global hit, there's no singing.

It's just music.

Really?

It's really weird, isn't it?

I can't think of another example of that

where he just sort of gets it all done

and then just lets it carry on.

It is just so big, though.

It feels so big.

And we can wrap it up by saying that Talbot,

Lotus Sunbeam Talbot that you chose

from the piston heads auction,

which is such a sweet, sweet car,

launched in 79, same year as Gary Newman off of Cars,

was launched.

What a great pairing, hey?

Yeah, what a great pairing.

Good, it's gracious me.

I'd like to listen to that track in that car.

That'd be great.

Wouldn't it be good?

And then howl your way to some lovely back roads

and let it sing, the 2.2, let it sing, isn't it?

What a wonderful thought.

Yeah.

All right, well, on that dreamy, imaginary scene,

it's time to end.

Thank you ever so much for listening.

We'll be back on Friday with an Ottersox

and a normal show the following Monday.

Until then, goodbye.

Bye, everybody.

So you've enjoyed this podcast,

but you've had a thought.

Is there a way here today

that you could show support?

Well, you could join our Patreon,

what wonders that it brings?

Bury shows and extra notes on that side of things.

You could buy our merchandise.

We've mugs at hands, but still no ties.

One day, we will make those pies.

But in the meantime, guys, hey, guys,

like and subscribe.

And maybe leave a nice review.

Like and subscribe.

We know you know just what to do.

Like and subscribe.

We don't want to take the piss.

Like and subscribe.

But we were told to ask for this.

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