OTOSOT 74

I'm done with subscriptions.

Streaming, fitness, razors, vitamins.

I've got subscriptions for everything in my life.

They lock you in and half the time,

I can't figure out how to unsubscribe.

That's why I'm so excited about the new Blue Apron.

Now you can get delicious meals delivered

with no subscription needed,

including new pre-made options.

Keep the flavor, ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders

with code APRON20, terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

I'm Richard Porter.

I'm Johnny Smith.

And this is On the Other Side of Things,

the Smith & Sniff spinoff in which we answer your questions.

Welcome to the Autosoft.

Welcome.

Here we are again.

To the place.

With questions to be answered.

And I'm going to start with one from a listener.

Well, as he describes it, the Philly suburbs,

which I assume means Philadelphia and not...

Don't know.

Well, I don't know where it starts with a fill in the UK.

Anyway, Mike Esser is his name

and he seems to be in Philadelphia.

His question is simply,

what's your most interesting petrol station store purchase?

For context, he says,

I left my local gas station store with this classy perfume,

La Taffa Shake Hayuka.

What?

Perfumed spray.

Yeah, Shake Hayuka.

I think it's pronounced like that.

What does his highness the shake smell like, you ask?

Like a concentrated bar of matured axe body spray,

he says, Mike.

Oh, nice.

Not more distinguished or refined with the years,

just older, crumbled into the finest musky powder

and then shot straight into your nose holes.

DJ Khaled was a body spray.

This one is telling the world we do best.

And Mike says he's going to spray his balls with it.

So it is, and he sent a picture.

It is quite a...

It's a gold capped can,

but then it has Lux edition written down the side

and there's a sticker that shows it cost $4.99.

I don't think I've ever bought anything

like really brilliant or weird from a petrol station,

but I did once on the way to...

Maybe it was Radwood a couple of years ago.

I stopped for petrol and then in the petrol station

there were some extremely terrible

like 80s sales rep glasses with blue lenses

for like five quids.

And I just bought them on the spot in impulse purchase

because I was like, oh, well, I'm going to Radwood.

Diesel fitted perfectly.

And then on the way there,

I looked at myself in the rearview mirror

and realised I looked such a flute

that I was too embarrassed to actually wear them at the event

and I've never worn them and they're in the drawer somewhere.

Really?

Oh, no, you should.

But yeah, for some reason, you and I,

it's the same as my brother.

If there's two things that will always make you quite laugh.

It's either ill-fitting trousers or terrible glasses.

It's two things that should always get a giggle.

Every time.

Yeah, well, I've probably said it before,

but I stopped at a German truck stop many years ago

when we were filming some kind of road trip for fifth gear.

I don't remember what.

And we stopped at this German truck stoppy services

and it had so many accessories for sale.

I know, listen, as you're thinking, I bought adult material.

I didn't.

I ended up buying a huge chrome silhouette of a lady

that's meant to be bolted to the grill of a truck.

Oh, yeah.

And it's still in the box and I've never put it on anything.

I was going to put it on a car

because it's so oversized for a car grill.

It would just look ludicrous.

And I've never put it on anything

to the point where perhaps I should just gift it to somebody.

Maybe I'll bring it to the upcoming OTTLOT show

and have it as stage set slash gift.

I think you should.

Yeah, because it's quite big and the chrome is amazing.

You know the ones where the lady's got fly away

kind of foam-force at her.

Yes, I know.

I'm familiar with them.

That's a good petrol station.

I bought one of those.

Yeah, I bought one of those.

I think I bought a Christenberg CD

once to put in a friend's car without him knowing

because it was about £1.10 in a basket

and it was just like, yeah, that's going in.

Have you ever bought...

This doesn't really happen anymore

because of streaming and things,

but back in the day when...

Have you ever bought a CD or a tape from a petrol station

because you've realised you haven't got any CDs or tapes

with you on a long trip

and you're like, fuck it, I'll just...

And so you go, oh, like the best of the Rolling Stones

or something like that.

I'll get that.

I'll be nice to get me a few miles further.

Yeah.

And then it hasn't got any of the proper hits on it.

I bought one of those ones where it was James Bond theme tunes,

but it was done by a no-name orchestra.

Oh, yes.

So, yeah, they're kind of James Bond theme tunes,

but they're not the original recordings.

So you listen to it a little bit frustrated.

So I've got that somewhere.

I've still got it.

Maybe I'll bring that to an oplot as well,

because I don't have anyone to...

I don't know why I've still got it.

You must have turned up having moved house recently.

You must have had quite a sort of turnover of tat

if you sort of brought some new tat to the surface.

It really has.

Yeah, it really has.

I think the CD that I remember,

without wanting to go too far down this refuel station,

bargain section, I bought a...

You know when CDs sometimes got lost from their main sleeves

and they were just put into a see-through sleeve

and they were extra bargains because they're obviously incomplete.

Yeah.

I remember buying a Best of Bruce Springsteen CD for a pound

and still one of my favorite CDs.

So there we go.

That one lived in...

I forget which car that one lived in,

but it lived in it for years.

It might have been my old Mercedes-1, 2, 3

that was four different colors.

Bloody loved that for a road trip.

Good CD that.

Well.

Good.

Well, OK.

I've got a letter from a chap called Ryan Bryson.

Hi, Flutes.

Looking forward to seeing you at Festival of the Unexceptional.

Well, he sent this to us quite some time ago.

Oh, you don't say.

He said, me and my mate will be making the journey up from Kent

and we'll hopefully be listening to the podcast on the way up

on that side of things.

I have previously sent this in with no response.

Oh, well, look, we're coming around to it.

Can you guys help my friend Aaron try and choose a new daily driver, please?

He's a massive, indecisive hand wallet

and has been unable to find a car for what seems like forever.

He's got around £15,000 budget.

That's a lot and requires the following criteria.

Ideally nothing small as he quite fancy something roomier

but also nothing too big.

Goldilocks back.

So no hatchbacks or SUV gas crossovers.

Saloons and also estates encouraged.

Good on fuel as it's going to be used for a smallish commute

for work 10 to 30 miles petrol or diesel but you less friendly.

Something newer as anything all terrifies him due to thinking

anything older than 10 years old is going to fall to pieces the moment

he hands over any money around two litres as he feels anything bigger

might be problematic in potential maintenance or insurance.

Spanish waiters spec preferred as he seems to be scared of potential

automatics due to never driving one before.

He wants something that looks cool or has the potential to look cool

possibly through the addition of some nicer wheels

or a bit of lowering and spaces on that side of things.

The unicorn needs to be fun to drive

and capable of some serious B road helmsmanship.

Here's his previously owned cars just to give you an idea of what his tastes are like.

Fiesta Z-Tec, Vectra SRI, 2.2 Vectra SRI believe.

1.6 Fiesta ST, 1.6 Fiesta ST Mountune,

RX-8 Chade spec, 1.4 Aster SXI.

His attainable dream car being the Vectra B GSI

but he doesn't want one yet as he's certain he'd want to get a garage first.

He wants a Vectra GSI, interesting.

He's not a full Vauxhall loyalist because there's some fords in there.

That's quite confusing. I know you don't have to pick a side.

It's just I suppose many people do.

Yeah, yeah.

This is great.

So he says, I've been a listener to a podcast for about six months,

managed to listen on average three hours to the back catalogue every day.

No, it's too much.

Yeah, it is too much.

Ryan, thank you very much.

God forbid you don't do that.

And he said, please keep doing what you do

before our towns turn into no suspension for mountain bike guys everywhere.

Right, so this is quite a difficult question.

So he wants, I'm just going to get back at you,

ideally wants a Manuel gearbox.

He doesn't, he wants a saloon or an estate.

Or maybe a big coupe, who knows.

He wants newer, newer than a decade.

There was no sort of stipulation about, like it can be a coupe,

just no hatchbacks or SUVs, but really sounds like a saloon.

Yeah, or if it was a coupe, it'd be a big one with a large boot

that's quite capacious throughout.

This sort of don't really exist anymore, do they?

No.

A few years ago, you could have said like 406 coupé or something like that.

But they're not around.

I don't know why the Mazda 6 suddenly sprung to mind.

I think it's because I think they're quite nice looking.

They are.

And the Mazda 6, is it sport, sports or MPS?

They were fast, really fast.

Well, would they be too old now?

Are they more than a decade?

I was thinking of the current shape,

just because I find them a very, very pleasant looking car.

And you could easily get one of those for 15 grand budget.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hang on.

If he likes his Vectra's, surely he's going to appreciate a Mondeo.

He could get one of the last of the Mondeos.

Yes.

He could be one of those guys who really celebrates the outgoing legend that is.

I suppose the question is, do you want one of the last Mondeos?

I kind of miss them.

All right, so what's going on in Vauxhall land then?

Could we not, what's the insignia?

The last insignia.

Yeah, the ones that got turbo written on the boot.

I sometimes see those late insignias.

I've never driven one.

It's quite a big car, isn't it?

They're big.

They're very roomy.

I think it's one of those cars that probably people ignore unfairly.

Yeah, I sometimes just see them around.

Yeah, and I always think, I wonder, I mean, that might be quite a nice car.

Yeah, I bet it's very relaxing.

Oh, I bet it absolutely is relaxing.

But that's the only, I couldn't say the way what they're like.

He wants something that's Helm's money.

Okay, so that's all right.

So I don't know whether it would tick that box.

Wait, though.

Hang on.

What?

There was, wasn't there a twin turbo four-wheel drive version of that insignia?

Which, who knows, it might be quite good.

Exactly.

Well, it could be.

Is it you less compliant?

Bloody hell, I'd say.

Well, it won't be that old.

So I would think so because it's petrol.

So now I'm pretty confident that the you less bit will be fine.

It's just, it is obviously quite a big car.

And I can't vouch for how sporty it is, but the ingredients there.

I'm pretty sure it was like, you know, sort of quite tasty spec on paper.

I don't, were they manual though?

I can't remember.

I keep thinking about Subaru's.

Oh.

Well, a lot of them are manual and a lot of them are saloons or estates.

And they're predominantly fun to hustle because of the grip level.

And they're normally quite taught in the chassis department.

Yes.

I'd have a sort of nice mechanical gear shift as well, if that's your thing.

Yeah, they would.

And he is not going to be too offended by the dashboard, I would say.

So there could be a Subaru that's lurking, couldn't there?

And I don't mean to try Becker or whatever that one is.

But with just to go slightly in a different direction.

Go on, then I dare you.

15 grand is going to get you into some kind of civic type R that might be lean into the sportiness.

Oh, yeah.

Lovely manual gear shift.

Yeah, yeah, would actually.

That's a very good point.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Is there any other Honda that the Accord would have ended by then, wouldn't they?

A big engine Accord?

When did they end?

Was it within 10 years?

I want to say it was maybe 2000.

Just catch a tail end Accord.

Yeah.

Yeah, that might be a quietly satisfying car.

Not necessarily a sporty one, but it would be.

I'd flip in love Accord.

A state.

Peasant.

Yeah, we've talked about that before.

Let's have a little look here.

I'm going to just go see what's the most expensive Accord you could get.

Oh, my goodness.

Totally distracted by the fact there's a 1989 Accord.

Absolutely immaculate, but it's up for £30,000.

That's too much.

Also, he said Accord's in budget.

If he's got the idea of adding wheels and maybe light lowering,

an Accord, a state would look so good.

So damn good.

Well, yeah.

And you could go, there's probably lots of JDM bits for it.

Oh, hell.

Just for context though, price wise,

if you set a max budget of £15,000 for a Civic Type R,

then you end up with, you could get one of the space shipy look ones.

And that would look quite nice.

Or the bread van one as well.

Loads of those around doing budget.

Well, I think there's a sort of platter of suggestions there.

I mean, it's a solid budget and a fairly broad remit.

I don't know.

We haven't even gotten to the state of Astros for that kind of money

and whether that's something,

because it feels like it's something that Ryan's friend might enjoy,

because he likes Astros.

The fact that he wanted a manual,

I would have suggested a Jaguar,

because a Jaguar tells so many of those boxes

in terms of being able to hustle, being comfortable,

being rewarding and all that stuff,

but no manual gearbox available.

Yeah, unless you've got some kind of X-type manual,

but I'm not sure that...

Under 10 years old, good luck with that.

Under 10 years old, yeah.

No, let's just...

But try a Jag, because there's some phenomenal bargains

in the Jag department.

Well, yeah, I think it's the day.

I feel like I'm seeing a lot of XFs,

first-gen XFs around now,

that have been sort of slightly monkey-ed with in a fairly crude way

and seem to be driven by people who...

Of ill repute?

Have a heavy...

Yeah, have a heavy foot...

Yes.

...in urban areas.

And just go,

is it because they're sort of,

they're quite a bit of flash for the cash now,

those early X-types, or XFs rather,

and they still look good?

Yeah, it's a bit like when I was 24,

driving around in my XJ-40, four-litre Sov.

Yes.

I would have just been a bit of a dick,

but I had a cheap four-litre Sov,

so that's that, end of.

Yeah, end of.

Yeah, okay.

I've got an email here from a listener called Jack,

who...

He starts with a very unusual opening salvo.

He says,

what is the most pervy design feature you like on a car?

I like how the rear of a car hangs over the rear axle.

For example, the extreme rear overhang

of a Ford Cortina estate gets me going.

Oh, I know.

I love the way the rear clings on for dear life.

Yeah.

What's your strangest guilty pleasure of car design?

That reminds me of the side window

of Mark 1 and Mark 2 Escort estates,

where the side window just goes on for approximately 12 metres.

It just goes on and on and on and on,

and I kind of like that.

An old mate of mine who always swore that he had an uncle.

He was called something like Uncle Reg.

Yeah.

And Uncle Reg's claim to fame was that he had a Cortina estate,

but which he'd heavily modified by the sounds of it.

And my mate Dan always claimed that Uncle Reg's Cortina estate

had windows from a train carriage in the back.

What?

And I always thought that car...

The train carriage windows are actually massive, aren't they?

Because train carriage isn't much bigger than car.

Yeah.

He always claimed that Uncle Reg's got some cheap train windows

from somewhere and put them into his...

Put them into his Cortina estate.

Anyway, we digress.

Jack's main question is, he says,

I'm writing this sat on a train to Newbury

to look at a Fiat Cinquecento Sporting.

Oh!

I'm trying to justify to myself that the Sporting

is a cool Italian baby warm hatch.

I'm not concerned about the lack of power.

I've just passed my 27th year

and feel I care more about the experience

and thoughts behind a car these days.

Have I peaked my relationship with cars too early?

Am I having a midlife car crisis?

Please share your automotive wisdom.

Cheers mate, thanks mate.

Bye, Jack.

I don't think so.

I mean, I'm just trying to think your question, though,

per-per-vey feature.

Oh, you're still stuck on that?

I am.

I am because I think it's...

Sir, it is certain lines,

usually haunch lines,

but also very resolved, pleasing alloy wheels.

Mmm.

And there are few and far between these days,

but one that I saw the other day

that I thought looked exceptional

was on an Alfa Romeo Stelvio.

Okay.

And it had the huge clover leafy,

telly dial type wheels.

I don't remember their exact name.

Mmm.

And they were black inside.

And the faces were gold.

Oh.

And it was quite a new car,

so I don't think it had been done on the aftermarket.

I think it might have been as spec'd.

And it looked fantastic.

I think those wheels are great.

Anyway, I really like them.

And I always sought the Volvo 850 T5R

with the...

It was one of the first alloy wheels,

I remember being gunmetal grey rather than silver.

And they're very simple fire spokes.

You'll know the ones I'm meeting.

Yes.

Quite oblong.

Same as a first gen Audi TT,

had the very chunky five spoke.

And they look great.

They're just...

Yes.

They're very confident, simple wheel.

I do like a confident, simple wheel.

I think one of the most pervy, sexy shapes

is the front wing of my 68 Dodge Charger.

Because it bows out in about three different planes.

It's concave on the top.

It bows out on the side.

And then it tucks in somewhere else.

It's got so many different interesting depressions

and bows in it.

I just flip and love it.

And I do, in a non-pervy way, run my hand over it quite a lot.

But it's not pervy.

You're all adults.

You can do that.

To answer the other bit of Jack's question,

I mean, I don't think you have a middle-life crisis

with Chinquicento Sporting.

No, modern classic.

Yeah.

But enjoy it.

I suppose his point about caring more

about the experience and thought behind a car

is just, you know, with age comes wisdom.

So, I think you're just appreciating cars

in a slightly more thoughtful way

rather than just going all out for power

and looks and newness.

And so, no, I would say crack on.

In fact, I would let us know

if you did, in fact, buy the Chinquicento.

I'm with you on that.

And I was doing a review the other day on a certain car.

And I used the term, what would you rather have?

Would you rather have speed or the sensation of speed?

And I think the latter is becoming more and more satisfying

and relevant as we go into this non-stop power struggle

of modern performance cars.

Preaching to the choir, my friend.

I've got a Honda Beat.

So, a sensation of speed without any actual speed

is a very familiar.

Hey, guys, the sensation of speed.

Actually, your beat is with its midship excitement

or whatever it says on the side of it.

Amusement, midship amusement.

Sorry, it leads straight into this letter from a chap

or a lady I don't know called J. Milligan.

Hi, piccolo's, full stop.

I recently purchased a brand new Volvo

which happens to have a turbocharged engine

but no word on the exterior pertaining to said snail.

Having grown up in the 80s, I'm of the firm belief

that cars that have turbos should be required

to have a bad emblem or decal somewhere

with the word turbo, proudly visible to the public.

So, everybody knows about it.

Turbo, Metro, anyone, Richard?

I also believe that if the car is not turbocharged,

it should absolutely not be called a turbo

under any circumstances.

Hello, Porsche, Taycan.

But I digress.

As I did with my turbocharged Honda,

which similarly somehow did not proclaim

its boosted nature from factory,

I started looking on eBay for turbo emblems

that I could apply to my new whip to right this wrong.

My son bought me a lovely Honda script emblem in red

which added 5 to 10 horsepower

to the otherwise extremely mediocre CR-V.

Obviously, the font and style is incredibly important

and I'm debating between the 240's black rectangle

with turbo on it for the 740 big letters.

Anyway, I digress once again

because my question relates to another word

Volvo used to badge their fine automobiles with

and that would be intercooler.

Intercooler exclamation mark, intercooler.

Or even in italics.

What a thing to have in your car.

As a kid, I thought that word was amazing,

though I had no idea what intercooling really was

and it engendered deep shame

and want in a young soul

whenever I looked at our non-turbocharged,

non-intercooled Pontiac

with no interesting words on it whatsoever.

I remember other GM products bragging about their

dual overhead cams, DOHC.

But our family car had a meager single overhead cam

and that wasn't badge worthy whatsoever.

I could only dream of having an intercooler.

So, my question to SSG's is this,

what is the most mundane, silly

or obscure car park manufacturer's badge

and broadcast to the world that you've ever seen?

Has anyone ever written distributor on a hot-hacks

or has a huge emblem for lower control arms

or coolant expansion sack on a cuba?

Have you ever felt the need to badge your own cars

with some part name

to let the world know that your vehicle was properly equipped with it?

And what words would you apply to the Eagle Quest,

the Beat or any of your other rides?

Please advise.

CMTMB.

It's an interesting one, because I do remember the intercooler.

I remember Catalyst, which also was a Volvo.

Yes.

Well, I think, did Volvo not go even further with

the sort of obscure things that nobody really

had a clue what they were?

They had lambdasond as a badge

to show the cars had a lambda sensor, which is like,

it always felt really puzzling to me

that they would go to the trouble of making a badge for that.

I agree.

But it sounded always more like a cabaret singer,

didn't it, really?

You can imagine a very long flowing silk gown.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it plays cruise ships as they pass through the fjords

of Norway.

Completely.

With the lambdasond.

Oh, quick.

Quick now.

Head to the lower deck lounge.

Lambdasond is going to be on for the sunset suare.

Wasn't there a period, I feel like Vauxhall in this country

has quite a good heritage of badging up things

which are a bit too technical for people to know or care about.

Didn't they have a twin port at one point?

Oh, that rings a bell.

People care.

That's just nonsense.

And I think they also did intercooler badges for a while.

Possibly on turbo diesels.

Yeah.

What's the name on the 24 valve senators?

Was it dual ram induction or dual ram sunset?

Was that not written on the engine though?

Was it on tailgate as well?

No, it was on the engine cover, you're right.

Which again, I do quite like things written on the engines

if it's proclaimed nicely.

I'm sure there was something else that Vauxhall did on Astros

that was really arcane.

He just went, nobody knows what this is unless they're a car nerd.

I don't know why you're boasting about it.

It just feels like they had to put something on the badge

and so it would say plug leads.

You go, yeah, we know.

You're fine.

I don't need to put that there.

So stupid.

Like that.

Well, fuel injection was always the really 80s one, wasn't it?

Because of course, there was a lot of transition

between carb and injection.

Yes.

And likewise, when 16 valve became a real selling point.

Oh yeah, of course.

But it did seem genuinely exciting.

You know, the Golf 16 valve and things like that.

Just because it was unusual and seemed a genuine benefit.

I think I've said this before, but I remember a big kid,

I must have been like five or six,

being the back of the car with my dad.

And he spotted a few cars up ahead,

a brand new Capri 2.8 injection.

And knowing that I was into cars and he was as well,

he said, Richard, up front,

there's one of those new Capri injections.

You know, because it's got fuel injection.

And I'd seen, I think, a picture of it in a car magazine,

but not one in real life.

It's very exciting.

And I remember putting the window down a little bit

and trying to smell the air from this Capri up the front.

Because in my head, I was convinced that,

because it had fuel injection,

the fumes from the Capri must smell different and more exotic.

How old are you?

You were five.

Yeah, maybe six.

When did that car come out?

81.

I was probably like six.

Wow, you remember that.

That's a very early memory.

I really do.

I could tell you exactly the bit of road it was on as well.

It's so strange.

A vivid memory.

Yeah.

I do remember double overhead cam with early Japanese stuff mostly,

DOHC.

Yeah.

I didn't really know what DOHC was for a while.

But that was a thing.

I don't know.

I'm trying to think.

I mean, the Japanese,

especially Japanese import stuff with all of the lists,

that was always,

they're the kings of proclamations,

decal proclamations, aren't they?

Yes.

And inventing new acronyms for stuff.

Yeah.

What was,

I think it's a good one,

with the Honda Civic Shuttle with real-time four-wheel drive

written down the side.

Oh, yeah, real-time.

Yeah.

Real-time.

Yes, that's true.

Like a pre-recorded four-wheel drive system?

I don't know.

Yeah, stoning it in the four-wheel drive.

If you've got any thoughts on weird car badges from the past,

hello at smithandsniff.com, is the address?

Yeah, I'd tell you what I'd like on the back of our Eagle Quest.

You often used to get V6,

but you would never get a badge saying straight six, would you?

That's a good point.

So you'd proclaim the V,

but not the straight.

No.

That's a good point.

I would like straight six written on the back of our car, please.

Well, in the world of 3D printing,

I'm sure somebody could make you a straight six badge

in a kind of authentic 80s, 90s GM Europe font.

That'd be fantastic, wouldn't it?

And I could let in some bright red ink into the recess sections

with some streaks in it.

All right, well, on that saucy thought,

it's time to bring this to a close,

but we'll answer more questions next Friday,

normal show on Monday.

Until then, goodbye.

Thanks, everybody.

Bye, please.

OTOSOT 74

About this episode

Fiat Cinquecento Sporting

Vauxhall Vectra

Ford Fiesta ST

Mazda Rx8

Peugeot 406 Coupé

Mazda 6

Ford Mondeo

Vauxhall Insignia

turbo

Subaru

Honda Civic

Honda Accord

Civic Type R

Jaguar Xtype

Jaguar XF

Jaguar XJ40

four-litre

Ford Cortina

Ford Escort

Alfa Romeo Stelvio

Volvo 850

alloy wheels

Audi Tt

Dodge Charger

Honda Beat

midship

Porsche Taycan

Lancia Lambda

Ford Capri

Honda Civic Shuttle

Request an Explanation

Want to learn more?

Help improve this episode

More from Smith and Sniff