Nick from 034 Motorsport joins Jason and Derek for a lively discussion about Audi modifications, the quirks of vintage cars, and the challenges of California's DMV regulations. They dive into the history of the Audi 90, share personal stories about their own vehicles, and explore the intricacies of performance upgrades. The episode is filled with humor, technical insights, and anecdotes about car culture, making it a rich listen for anyone interested in the automotive world.
We dish the VW/Audi dirt with tuning company 034Motorsport’s Director of Sales and Marketing, Nick Mercadante. We’ll discuss 40 years worth of VAG foibles, from mismatched rotors, calipers that can’t handle the heat, 1980s ABS tech, wandering shifters and shattering engine mounts – but don’t worry, 034 has you covered!
Nick brought out his Audi 90 for us on this episode, and we’ll start by discussing its 6-level, buttock-melting heated seats (the relay for which is on its deathbed). Jason’s dad had this same car back in Germany in the 90s – featuring cloth seats, crank windows, and no AC. It made for a significantly improved Autobahn experience compared to his previous car, an FJ60-Series Land Cruiser. However, in stock form, the little Audi inline-5 hotrod of the 80s is no match for Jason’s modified 170 hp VW Scirocco. The Audi 90’s 7A engine just doesn’t have the oomph to make up for the drivetrain loss and general heft of the AWD drivetrain. If it had the turbocharged 3B motor from the S2, it may be a different story… Speaking of stories, Jason wrote one for Automobile Magazine some 15 years ago on this exact car that now sits in our background. Did you know it has a carbon fiber driveshaft and an anti anti-lock button? Yes, ANTI anti-lock.
We learn about the delightfully colorful California vehicle titles of the last century: both rainbow and pink (which is where the phrase “pink slip” comes from). And Derek is deeply distraught to learn Nick has removed the original California 2-number plate (and to learn just how easy it is to register cars outside of California).
We’ll cover Nick’s various vehicles: his college runabout Audi 90, UrS6 wagon, his BMW M2 (F22), Porsche Cayenne GTS (958.2), Audi SQ5 (w/ nearly 700 hp), his Kei truck Subaru Sambar (w/ nearly 20 hp), his Porsche 944, Audi TT RS, and his first-gen Audi R8 V8 with a NASCAR-grade 034Motorsport exhaust.
Speaking of Nick’s cars, we’ll also cover another 034 Nick’s collection – friend of the show, Nick Sgambelluri, who so generously provided (and abused) his monster-turbo Audi 200 sedan, as well as his pristine first-gen Ford Probe Turbo for the Dark Horse ICONS episode – where its axle unalived itself in the middle of a reverse donut (sorry, Nick!).
We talk 034Motorsport (which is singular and starts with a “zero”), including their 7 lbs aluminum flywheel for the Audi 90, their dogbone engine mounts, their origins making ECUs for 5-cylinder cars 20 years ago, and their new arm, 034Tradition, which will make classic parts to fill in the voids left behind when parts manufacturers discontinue them (they will even take requests!).
Other fun tidbits: Jason’s secret new turbo car, the classic RV anal-prefix name game, washing titles in Alabama, Derek the felon, trash Kumhos, Derek advising against too much stroking, the Rover gets a makeover (suspension and tires), and possibly a full Vitesse-style engine build via Redline Rebuilds!
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"We have a special guest today. Yes. Who is from zero three four motor sports? Oh, I thought it was going to say earth. He's a human."
034 Motorsport is a company that helps make Audi and Volkswagen cars faster and better. They do this by adding special parts and tuning the engines.
034 Motorsport is a company that specializes in performance modifications for Audi and Volkswagen vehicles. They are known for enhancing the performance and tuning of these cars, making them more powerful and enjoyable to drive.
"...you don't put a force on her. Fucking C63 AMG. You don't put rear wheel steering on a car and then forget to tune it."
The C63 AMG is a fast and powerful car made by Mercedes-Benz. It has a strong engine and is designed for people who love to drive quickly.
The Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG is a high-performance version of the C-Class sedan, developed by Mercedes' performance division, AMG. It is known for its powerful V8 engine and sporty handling, making it a popular choice among enthusiasts.
"We are frankly very disappointed in the Audi 90. I don't know if it's online... This car, the 90 never came turbocharged for the US market."
The Audi 90 is a car made by Audi that was sold in the 1980s and early 1990s. It is recognized for its all-wheel-drive technology, which helps with traction and control on the road.
The Audi 90 is a compact executive car that was produced by Audi from 1984 to 1991. It is known for its Quattro all-wheel-drive system and was popular in various markets, although it never featured a turbocharged variant in the US.
"...we moved to Germany in possession of a Lancraser, which arrived dead with a dead battery in the middle of the street..."
The Toyota Land Cruiser is a tough SUV that can handle rough roads and off-road adventures. It's known for being very reliable and has been around for many years.
The Toyota Land Cruiser is a rugged and reliable SUV known for its off-road capabilities and durability. It has a long history and is popular in markets around the world, especially in regions with challenging terrain.
"...it's because the alternator is no longer tangled already. The radio turned off..."
The alternator is a part of the car that makes electricity while the engine is running. It helps keep the battery charged and powers things like the radio and lights. If it stops working, the car can have electrical problems.
An alternator is a component in a car that generates electricity to power the vehicle's electrical systems and recharge the battery while the engine is running. If it fails, the battery can drain, leading to electrical issues.
Voltage is like the pressure of electricity in a car. If the voltage drops, it means there's not enough power for things like the radio or lights to work properly.
Voltage is a measure of electrical potential difference in a circuit. In automotive terms, it refers to the electrical power available to run the car's systems. A drop in voltage can indicate issues with the battery or alternator.
"...it's like pulse width modulated. Yeah, it's an early, it thinks it's a PWM exactly..."
PWM is a way to control how much power goes to something like heated seats by turning the power on and off really quickly. This helps keep the seats at the right temperature without overheating them.
PWM stands for Pulse Width Modulation, a technique used to control the amount of power delivered to electrical devices. In automotive applications, it's often used to manage things like heated seats or motor speeds by varying the width of the electrical pulses sent to the device.
The Audi 200 is a car that was made by Audi, known for being a luxury vehicle with good performance. It had features like a turbo engine and all-wheel drive, which helped it handle well in different conditions.
The Audi 200 is a mid-size luxury car produced by Audi in the 1980s and early 1990s. It was known for its performance and advanced technology for its time, including options like the turbocharged engine and Quattro all-wheel drive system.
"And then when it has a turbocharger on it, it's called. How did he just had three B with the turbocharger..."
A turbocharger is a part that helps an engine get more air, which makes it more powerful. It’s like giving the engine a boost.
A turbocharger is a device that forces more air into the engine's combustion chamber, allowing it to burn more fuel and produce more power. It helps improve engine efficiency and performance.
"...it makes 170 horsepower now. And so does that. So I would have thought crank to crank. There's a wheel."
Horsepower tells you how powerful an engine is. The more horsepower a car has, the faster it can go and the better it can accelerate.
Horsepower is a unit of measurement for power, commonly used to describe the power output of engines. In this context, it indicates how much power the car's engine produces, which affects its performance and speed.
"...why don't you have black badges in the back? Is it plastic dipped? And you're like, yeah, and I'm like, oh, that's funny because 15 years ago, I did a collectible classic for automobile magazine on a 90, 20 valve quadro, um, in this color..."
Plastic dip is a spray-on coating that can change the color of parts of your car, like badges. It's easy to remove, so you can change the look without damaging the original parts.
Plastic dip is a type of rubber coating that can be applied to various surfaces, including car badges, to change their color or finish. It's removable and allows for customization without permanent alterations to the vehicle.
Turbocharging means using a special device to make the engine get more air, which helps it produce more power. It's a way to make smaller engines perform better.
Turbocharging is a method of forced induction that uses a turbine to compress air entering the engine, allowing for more power and efficiency from a smaller engine displacement. This technology is commonly used in performance and fuel-efficient vehicles.
When someone says an engine is 'anemic', they mean it doesn't have enough power to perform well. It's like saying the engine is weak.
In automotive terms, describing an engine as 'anemic' means that it lacks power or performance, often due to insufficient horsepower or torque for the vehicle's weight or intended use.
"...because the fuel pump died. But got me home, got me there."
A fuel pump is a part of a car that moves fuel from the tank to the engine. If it stops working, the car can't run anymore.
The fuel pump is a critical component in a vehicle's fuel system that delivers gasoline from the fuel tank to the engine. If the fuel pump fails, the engine won't receive the necessary fuel to operate, leading to a breakdown.
"...I learned many things about throttle potentiometers and outboard fuel pumps and things of that nature."
A throttle potentiometer helps the car's computer know how much gas you're giving it by measuring the position of the throttle. This helps the engine run smoothly and efficiently.
A throttle potentiometer is a sensor that measures the position of the throttle valve in an engine. It sends this information to the engine control unit (ECU) to help manage fuel injection and engine performance.
"There's an idle control valve that goes underneath. It's all separate."
The idle control valve is a small part that helps keep the engine running smoothly when you're not pressing the gas pedal. It makes sure the engine doesn't stall by controlling how much air gets in.
An idle control valve regulates the engine's idle speed by controlling the amount of air entering the engine when the throttle is closed. This helps maintain a stable idle and prevents stalling.
"And there's two different, there's a hotachi, and then there's a Bosch. And various ones were good or bad."
Hitachi is a big company that makes different kinds of products, including parts for cars. They focus on technology and are known for their quality.
Hitachi is a multinational company that produces a wide range of products, including automotive components. They are known for their technology and innovation in various industries, including automotive.
"And there's two different, there's a hotachi, and then there's a Bosch. And various ones were good or bad."
Bosch is a company that makes parts for cars, like brakes and fuel systems. Many car manufacturers use their products because they are reliable and well-made.
Bosch is a well-known global engineering and technology company that produces automotive components, including fuel systems, brakes, and electrical systems. Their products are widely used in various car brands.
"...it has a hydro bomb, like it's hydraulic brakes. Correct."
Hydraulic brakes are a type of braking system that uses fluid to help stop the car. When you press the brake pedal, it pushes fluid through pipes to the brakes, making them work better.
Hydraulic brakes use fluid to transfer force from the brake pedal to the brake pads, allowing for more effective stopping power. They are commonly found in modern vehicles due to their efficiency and reliability.
"So no, I sold my first 90 and to fund an RS6 Avant that I also bought."
The Audi RS6 Avant is a fast and powerful car that also has a lot of space like a station wagon. It's designed for both performance and everyday use.
The Audi RS6 Avant is a high-performance version of the Audi A6, known for its powerful engine, sporty handling, and practicality as a wagon. It's part of Audi's RS line, which stands for 'RennSport' or 'Racing Sport'.
"You gave me a rear sway bar for my e-golf fast influences. Making my e-golf the most sideways e-golf ever."
The e-Golf is an electric car made by Volkswagen that looks like the regular Golf but runs on electricity instead of gasoline. It's designed to be efficient and environmentally friendly.
The Volkswagen e-Golf is an electric version of the popular Golf hatchback, known for its practicality and efficiency. It combines the familiar Golf design with an electric powertrain, making it a great option for eco-conscious drivers.
"You want to tell us what 0-3-4 means? 0-3-4. 0-3-4. Derek, how could you? You go O to 60."
0-60 time tells you how fast a car can go from stopped to 60 miles per hour. It's a way to see how quickly a car can speed up.
The 0-60 time is a measurement of how quickly a car can accelerate from a complete stop to 60 miles per hour. It's a common performance metric used to evaluate a vehicle's acceleration capabilities.
"...we started as a company making standalone ECUs for these cars back in 2005. Yeah, this is our 20th anniversary this year."
Standalone ECUs are special devices that control how an engine works. They let you change settings to improve performance, especially for engines that don't have a typical number of cylinders.
Standalone ECUs (Engine Control Units) are independent electronic devices that manage engine functions, allowing for customization and tuning beyond factory settings. They are particularly useful in performance applications where specific engine configurations, such as odd cylinder counts, are involved.
"...that could do an odd number of cylinders, basically. There was no standalone that could do odd cylinder counts at the time."
An odd number of cylinders means the engine has 3, 5, or 7 cylinders instead of the usual 4, 6, or 8. This can make it harder to control the engine's performance.
An odd number of cylinders in an engine refers to configurations such as 3, 5, or 7 cylinders, which are less common than even configurations like 4, 6, or 8 cylinders. This can present unique challenges for engine management and tuning.
"So we started as a company making these faster. So 034 motor sport off of an Audi 80 at the time."
The Audi 80 is a car made by Audi that was popular for many years. It's known for being well-built and performing well on the road.
The Audi 80 is a compact executive car produced by Audi from 1966 to 1996. It was known for its solid build quality and performance, and it played a significant role in establishing Audi's reputation in the automotive market.
"But we're also like, you can't find the sensor anymore to save your life."
A sensor in a car is a device that helps the car's computer understand what's happening, like how fast it's going or if the engine is too hot. It sends this information so the car can work properly.
In automotive terms, a sensor is a device that detects and measures physical properties, such as temperature, pressure, or speed, and sends this information to the vehicle's computer system for processing. Sensors play a crucial role in modern vehicles for performance and safety.
"Or these rear ball joints that no longer exist in the state of the world. Shokhan used to be the last one you could find them from."
Rear ball joints are parts of a car's suspension that help the wheels move up and down smoothly. They connect different parts of the suspension system and allow the wheels to turn while keeping the car stable.
Rear ball joints are critical components in a vehicle's suspension system, allowing for smooth movement and articulation of the wheels. They connect the control arms to the steering knuckles, enabling the wheels to pivot while maintaining stability.
"A few shifter deletes, hella flush stance kits. It's vinyl that just goes over your fenders..."
'Hella flush' means that the wheels of a car are pushed out really far so they sit right at the edge of the fenders. It makes the car look lower and sportier, which many car enthusiasts like.
'Hella flush' is a term used in car culture to describe a stance where the wheels are pushed out to the edge of the fenders, creating a very low and aggressive look. This style often involves modifications to the suspension and wheel fitment.
"A few shifter deletes, hella flush stance kits. It's vinyl that just goes over your fenders..."
A shifter delete is when you take out the gear shifter from a car's interior. People do this to make the inside look nicer or more unique, especially in custom cars.
A shifter delete is a modification that removes the gear shifter from a vehicle, often for aesthetic purposes or to create a cleaner look in the interior. It's commonly used in custom builds or show cars.
"...hat wasn't sold here like a launch of Fulvia or a Citroen DS after they left the US market. Because the US and..."
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I totally see why you can't clap. It's called shit in here. I'm watching my hands disappear as we're doing this. I'm thinking about this. I'm like, I totally get it. According to all the calculators online, we need 1.8 tons of cooling and heating capacity in here. That is two. That is two. It's just working now. It's just working now. We have four and a half tons of heating in here and 102 inch fan. Right.
It's still cold. It's fascinating. You should have seen what I was like in here without. Yeah. It would have been 48. I bet. Yeah. Yeah. No exaggeration. Yeah. No, I have much more sympathy now towards towards the. Derek couldn't clap in the fucking summer. He's just, he's clappless. He's Derek Clapton. Clapless. Clapless. Yeah. No, God. And this is another episode of the convention show. My name is Jason Clap Camisa. That is Derek Clapless hyphen. It's God. And that thing is one Nicholas PQ.
It's the fourth. Sure. We'll go with that. Thank you. We have a special guest today. Yes. Who is from zero three four motor sports? Oh, I thought it was going to say earth. He's a human. I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I'm on it nominally. Yes. You're uninterested or uninteresting. I'm uninteresting. You can't tell. The intro. Oh, shit. There we go. And he curses. Thank God. We have a guest on the show that curses. Nick is a friend of ours. He tends to encourage bad behavior. Both for his customers at zero three four.
Yes, us has been responsible for modifications for sort of drug pushing the modifications that we've done on our. Both of your. Yes. And he brought one of the coolest outies of all time in the background that we'll talk about. On this. The hundred and. Episode of the convention show. Brought to you by the Hagerty podcast network. And Derek brought to you by part of. And I will now clap.
Can you please do better? Not bad. I mean, honestly. Oh, I bet. No, I bet. No, no, you need. We need base. Okay. Derek. Nope. That's, that's the temperature. It's the temperature. Okay. It's a density altitude. I need it for the K truck. And I need to. He needs forced induction to compensate. Will you tell the audience so that it's not just. It's not a joke. He just sucks. There's opportunities for improvement. Like every hour. Okay. This is the difference between New York.
California. He sucks. There are opportunities for improvement. Sorry, Derek. I said there are opportunities improvement in New York. That what I meant. I said, I didn't mean to insult you. You are still very. You are measured in your criticisms when you think it could impact your ability to get manufactured cars in the future. Yeah, some engineer from AMG just asked me for my unfiltered opinion on C63 AMG and wants to know when I'm going to publish the.
I can be so verdict on it because they want that to feed back into the people who made the terrible decisions to make that car suck. And he's like, why aren't you doing it? I'm like, I would like to have a relationship with Mercedes-Benz and those bitches here, but I have to say, I can be measured. Well, the important thing is. So two percent. I need. If I, if I piss off Mercedes by being honest to the point where they never give me a car again, then I. Oh, fuck it. You've done your job. Yeah. Exactly.
The cars are that bad. Do you want another? I made it very clear. Do I need to do a point, you know, like a point by point, listing of what ruined everyone knows it. You don't put a force on her. Fucking C63 AMG. You don't put rear wheel steering on a car and then forget to tune it.
My day. All right. We clapped. We're out of here. We're done. Okay. Yep.
Okay. Well, that's how we're starting the episode.
It's very definitely not how we're fighting. So that's not only biting the hand that feed that's biting it,
fucking it and then shoving it and burning it and what else can you do? Putting in a meat grinder. Hello.
A few things. Yeah. We're going to. That's the start of the episode out of context. So let the audience figure out what we're really talking about. They never will.
Probably not. Hopefully not. We're hold on. We're glad to have you with us. Oh my. I'm John Davis. Yeah. Motorweek 25. He's still doing it. He's still doing it.
Yes. Well, speaking of Motorweek and the ancient years, I bet there is an ancient motor. Is there an ancient Motorweek video? Yes. About
$20. I'm sure. I'm sure somewhere. We are frankly very disappointed in the Audi 90. I don't know if it's online. Well, they're continually releasing. They're continually releasing them. Did this car?
This car, the 90 never came turbocharged for the US market. No, no, no, nor in any market technically under the 90 badge. It was STS. The S2 and RS2.
Coop, not a sedan. There was a sedan version and the S2 and wagon version of the S2 available in your UK.
Okay, so for those of you who are watching, you don't know that behind us is one of the incredibly rare US market, Audi 90, 20 valve Quattro.
Full name. That is the car that my dad had. So when we moved to Germany, we moved to the Lancraser. That's the Lancraser. Well, yes, not in.
Yes. We moved inside of a Lancraser. Did you say two? You said moved to a Lancraser. We moved to Germany in possession of a Lancraser, which arrived dead with a dead battery in the middle of the street blocking the street. The police were called because Germany, the taxi driver or the tow truck driver was French. My mother spoke neither of any language. The police were German and they also were screaming at each other until all of a sudden they started laughing together. While this is happening, I was walking home
from school and all of a sudden my dad's Lancraser is literally blocking the entire road, and I open the hood, see the battery is not connected, plug the battery and start it, drive it into the driveway. And I'm like, hey, Mom, what's going on with the police here? Anyway, the first time my parents took it on the Audubon was the last time it went on the Audubon. My dad traded for an Audi 90, 20 valve Quattro in that color. That is a hell of a trade. Yes. Yes. 70 miles an hour for a hundred and thirty miles. Not a straight across trade. No. Especially in this the year.
The year of 1991. And as in the Lancraser market was bumping in Germany at the time. He sold the Lancraser for what he had paid for it in 1983 or 1984. It was in 83 he bought it a year old. That's the most Toyota truck story. I feel like it was like $16,000 worth of marks. So I'd figure out 24,000 marks or something. I mean, I don't think the Audi was that much more. But his head cloth seats and no air conditioning and cranky windows. RS. The lightweight.
I'm on a lighter one. And Kaiser for with tinted tell and white wheels. And you now own this US spec car. Yes. Somehow it was a late night eBay marketplace find where a friend of a friend sends a link and goes, this has got you written all over it. And very clearly on a Sunday evening at 10 p.m. I was like, oh, it absolutely does.
I'm so glad that you got that and not me. So it was it went to me. I would have done the same thing. Yes. Exactly. Really? Yeah, I would I mean the idea I had such a bad experience with my five cylinder Audi and a large portion of that was turbo charging. It might be less problematic if it were naturally aspirated. It would be less problematic.
You'll still have fun with some problems. Okay. Well, like I said, I'm glad that it went to you and not to me. You missed the part where Nick said on the way here that is voltage dropped and squealing in soon. And all kinds of other shit happened in a belt with sideways. And whatever. It's just. Yeah. Yeah. But it on it undid itself is good now. Well, the squeal when you started to come in. It's a squeal now with standing. Yeah. But voltage is fine. Voltage is fine. But you don't turn on it's because the alternator is no longer tangled already. The radio turned off. The heat turned off. Oh, it was turning off. All
unnecessary systems because it was running full loss. Oh, no, I had to turn those off. It's in itself into the ground willing. I've driven cars that have systematically turned things off to preserve when it's when it runs out of juice.
K fancy. What? What? What car is this? There was a 19. I don't know if it was a diand in feature. It was just something it was doing. There was a 1992 Range Rover classic. Oh, no, that's nothing is controlled on those cars. Like, especially electronic, but it would like all of the peripheral system started
systematic like sequentially turning off as the car was dying and voltage required to turn on this capacitor is fizzing out in each one. This is not that smart.
It did, however, on the way here, I determined the heated seats, which it has and cranking six levels of heating. Yes. Only the Germans. Yes. Only outing. Yes. Of course. I think there needs to be more than two. Okay. Three is probably five, but there needs to be more than six were some
substantial in six will will send you into a short orbit. Oh, I mean, that's like is that is that that's more than there are types of meat, right? There's raw. There's rare. There's two levels of rare, I guess, if you're using the
fresh definition, right, which is like blue, senant, which is like rare. And then there's medium and well and medium. Well, it's the same number of meat level cooking. So that's really basically
a double. So I went medium rare for this drive today. I want my hemorrhoids to be cauterized. That is that is the sign, especially with cloth seats, like there's nothing better than knowing there's been a
cotterization than turn it to say. Yeah. So I chose medium rare, but it doesn't have a good way of actually changing between low and high. So what it does is it just runs the relay on off, on off, on off, on off. Maybe it's not supposed to, but this one does.
And it's not exactly insulated. And how many Hertz does it do that? Well, so it would change. It's fascinating. It was pretty, I have a video and we'll cut it in.
It just goes. Oh, it's like pulse width modulated. Yeah, it's an early, it thinks it's a PWM exactly. Yeah. So that's why I don't have any
Hertz. I don't think that's on purpose. But I sent a video to my other Nick who is well into outies. And I was like, what in the what relay is deciding to end its life? Yeah, it's the heat.
So other Nick is as friends of our production, friends with our production because he has given us two amazing cars to phone with. The first one was his 8.7 trillion horsepower,
Audi 200 sedan, 20 valve turbo Quattro, Palestinian limo, whatever you want to call that thing was. Oh, fast. And then he also gave me the Ford probe that I did reverse donut and broke the axle. And then laughed. Like what a hero.
Yeah, we're not so here during the Mustang episode. Yeah, during the Mustang. And then it was fixed like the next day. Yeah, we drove a local. We found he's somebody some I think live or
somebody found a local shop that was like, I can world pack an axle and we'll have it. We'll have it first thing in tomorrow morning. Nick was like, I genuinely I keep apologizing to him because he just was laughing the whole time. Like, I don't care. And he's the perfect person to type a person to borrow a car from because he's a mechanic.
Basically, he works on stuff. So we understand I didn't hurt the soul of his Ford probe, but it had snap an axle. Yeah, which, you know, it's getting out. It's out there getting used. That's the best case scenario for a Ford probe from 1980. Yeah, yeah.
Might be one of the very few that is getting used. So the Audi 90 20 valve Quattro is a Volkswagen that that five cylinder is a Volkswagen 1.8 liter 16 valve with one cylinder attached.
What is the code of this engine? Seven a seven a seven a and what does that mean? Or why is that one seven a and then when it has a turbocharger on it, it's called.
How did he just had three B with the turbocharger and then the RS2 is the same engine with the bigger turbo and it has a different or the S4. I think the RS2 got a version of the A a N.
A and what the one after what's the difference between a and N and three B. So a and doesn't have a distributor.
Where's three B. So that's correct. That's correct. But are they otherwise the same like architecture like the cylinder heads almost entirely ports and all that. Yeah, there's small niggly things here and there, but for the most part, this is the same as an a and as a three B as a whatever and can be converted.
The seven a's don't have a coolant port that's a hogged out and three B in the a and so cool the heads down for turbocharging, but you can just drill or machine through the side and then add the port and that's right there and it's an Audi. It doesn't self machine with, you know, bad tolerance control.
Give it time. Okay. Give it time. I so we just raced that this car versus one car with one fewer of these same cylinders and two less driven wheels and two less driven wheels.
It's okay. It's my modified truck 16 valve. Um, I was very much looking forward to this because this was a fast car when I was a kid. And, you know, this first car ever did 130 miles an hour in and it was just, you know, it's a monster and it sounds good.
I have never won a race like my life genuinely. I'm like, did he stall? Like your car has 50% more power than it originally did. It's got it makes 170 horsepower now. And so does that. So I would have thought crank to crank. There's a wheel.
Yeah, no, I will, we'll 140 in its current configuration. Yeah, this, this is like 110 wheel on a good day.
The lot of losses. All four wheels to be there. Well, I think there are eight wheels worth of other bearings in there or something of 16 wheels worth of dips or it's outies.
The torso is actually just a break dyno. Yeah, just just try to push one of those things. Like there are, they're amazing.
They don't move. They're like glued to the ground with the force of Ferdinand PX children, which there are many 13 13.
Still out of that. Um, yes, so that was a fun race. Yeah, it was amazingly. It was funny. We were both laughing. It was impressively slow.
And the transmission again, the, the, the previous owner of this vehicle, he bought it brand new in 1990 in Redwood City and drove it for a period of years before
giving it to his son, uh, who was not as gentle on the car. So, uh, you do need a double clutch between gears. And she'll still do a, she'll let you know, she's
you're right. And, and third and fifth will squeal actually. So in that, in that race, it was a little, a little, it was about completion. Yes, yes, yes, just made it. Just make it. We reached the end.
The crazy thing was the end of that race was basically how it's going to launch. And I walk out. This was so wild. So you've had this car with six months.
Uh, got it in September of 24. Yeah. Okay. So a couple months. Yeah. I get out of the car at lunch. And I walk around. I'm like, why don't you have black badges in the back?
Is it plastic dipped? And you're like, yeah, and I'm like, oh, that's funny because 15 years ago, I did a collectible classic for automobile magazine on a 90, 20 valve quadro, um, in this color.
And that kid had plastic dipped the badges. And it was the first time I'd ever heard of plastic it. And you're like, oh, really?
Yeah, I bought this from the original owner. And I'm like, yeah, this guy was a kid. He's like, and then you continued, who gave it to his kid?
And I'm like, there's no way, right? There's just no way. So we sat at this cafe and I pull up my one drive. And I'm looking through. And I'm like, oh, yeah, here's the car.
And you swipe the second picture. You're like, that's the head unit. I just pulled out yesterday. And I'm like, yeah, coincident, you know, whatever. And then there it is. The picture of the black
baggages out of the black badges and the license plate.
It's the same part. As the resident California license plate nerd, what plates were on it when you got it?
It was a white, it was a two number. Oh, fuck you took off original license plates. I had to register it in another state.
He doesn't live in California. Yes. Yes, it is. It is not currently residing in the state of California. I do still, however, have the plate.
See? Perfect. You can put it back on. You can for a show. Why not? Yes, yes. But you can't re-register it on that original place.
He can get back that to whatever sequence it is as a custom plate in Tennessee. Oh, in Tennessee, in Tennessee.
And then put, put the California plate on it with a sticker that says, 10, 10, a touchy or whatever, 10, whatever it's actually pronounced.
It's, that's unrecoverable. That's the California thing. You people are strange.
I was, because it's a sign of a car being continuously in California. And that speaks to the quality of its structure.
Look at that thing. There's no, there's no quality of the structure to begin with.
It's there. It's there. It's stuck in the structure. It's closed.
This is going to be the episode of the roast that we didn't do when we roasted when we were nice to each other.
The fuck is wrong with you for buying this? How do you bring us together?
Yeah, on the side of the road. Hey, call me. Could you go jump or box?
Here and there. Here and there. Yeah. No more disappointed to turn in the original title, which was, like, in 1990, a California title
was a super colorful rainbow. Yeah. That's rainbow era.
Because they went from pink to the rainbow title and the rainbow title phased out probably 20 something years early.
Is that where pink slip comes from? Yeah, they were originally pink.
Huh? They were pink until the late 80s.
And it's about the size. Yeah, we need a, we need a, Jake, we need a graphic over the car right now.
Clean. With all of us. All right, everyone thumbs up.
Exactly. Okay. Yeah, no, so I had to turn that in. What do we pick?
It was very, very sad because did you scan it?
Yes, scanned it, took photos of it. There's a whole whole lot of parts.
I mean, that car is quite the problem. It's the only car that any magazine ever gave a shit about.
And that's only because I wanted to drive my dad's car 20 years later.
Right. I was horrified. I was horrified. Yeah. I don't think his, so his car was lowered
from the previous owner. All to it, fault on, you know, partly with German.
And I immediately when I got in this car, I thought, oh, my dad's car had
different, either and different tuning on it or a light and flywheel because this thing is
it's so deliberate in its revs. Correct. They num just about everything they can in this car
from the US market, right? We make an aftermarket flywheel for this that's built aluminum.
We are talking, right? Yes. We, we are talking.
The right, yes. We, well, to tell us the butterfly well, I'll tell us the,
weighs seven pounds of the replacement.
What's the factor about 30?
Oh, it's in that neighborhood.
It feels like it's a large beast.
So you're doing it right?
At some point.
Well, there's the whole,
it's going to be turbocharged at some point.
No, I know.
Why would you do that?
I know.
Because he wants 7.6 trillion horsepower.
There's some of that.
That's $7 trillion in repairs.
Yeah, go along with that.
I know, give it a take.
It's a bit anemic in its current state.
However, I've grown to really fall in love with that again.
So I had a one in college that I bought
for $2,000 off of Craigslist site
unseen midnight in Seattle as a winter beater.
And drove it immediately four hours back to Spokane
where I was at the time.
And coming over the past, coming out of Seattle,
I drilled a cinder block that's in the middle of the road
as it was snowing, bend two wheels,
and it just keeps on trucking.
The whole way through.
I made it home at 4am, turned it off,
and it didn't turn back on ever again,
because the fuel pump died.
But got me home, got me there.
Wouldn't it have been cheaper to just not leave your house
in the first place?
Yes, yes, but it wouldn't have been as fun.
But you literally never started the car again.
Literally never started the car.
I towed it right back, or towed to a shop the following day.
And many repairs ensued.
But it was my college car for about a year following that
and sold it to fun.
Wait, did it or didn't it run again?
It did run again, but not without a lot of stuff.
I got it.
Basically you had to go get student loans
to pay for the rest.
Yes, add onto the student loans, exactly, exactly.
I'm going to collateralize these loans with another loan.
Very worth it.
Yes.
I learned many things about throttle potentiometers
and outboard fuel pumps and things of that nature.
If I think about it, my dad's car was in 88,
and we bought it in 91, so it was three years old,
and it never idled properly.
Ram, ram, ram, ram.
I mean, those kind of fuel injection
doesn't have much running.
So there's just a lot of running.
There's an idle control valve that goes underneath.
It's all separate.
There's a million different separate things
just put into like three inches of an intake tube.
And there's two different, there's a hotachi,
and then there's a Bosch.
And various ones were good or bad.
You're as idle as properly.
The most part.
Yeah, yeah, she does, OK.
And then there was the other thing is it has a hydro bomb,
like it's hydraulic brakes.
Correct.
It is highly assisted.
And does that throw up errors continually on your car?
No, it doesn't tell me that it doesn't work.
It just doesn't work.
My dad's was the other way around.
It always worked.
But you'd be driving beep that high pitched Audi
on their pullover sound with the red.
And then it would just go away.
But you're like, oh, do I have brakes?
Like you're on an autobahn.
You're going fucking quick.
And like, oh, brake failure.
Great.
Now what?
OK, they work.
Fuck it.
Exactly.
Which, credit to it, it's heavy,
but it's light to some degree for what it is.
You know what, 2900 pounds?
Yes.
I think 3,000 fruit.
The US trim was just everything.
I got everything.
But no power of assisted brakes.
And I've driven it around 900 miles since purchase.
And it's stopped pretty well.
Can't really put this.
Stopped right now.
Stopped here.
Whether it will move again.
That's the fun.
Yeah.
So no, I sold my first 90 and to fund an RS6 Avant
that I also bought.
So I don't see in the middle of Spokane.
That's C4.
That's C4.
That is an actual pattern, right?
Two is a trend.
Three is a problem.
Yeah.
Hi, my name is Nick.
I have a problem.
And drove that one side unseen from Washington State
back to California.
No bumper, because it didn't have one.
But I stopped along the way and picked one up.
It was incredible.
I think it was a wagon.
Yes, exactly.
But I missed the 90 to death for whatever reason.
So we as a company, I guess I should.
Now you can introduce it.
Now you can introduce it.
So I am the director of sales and marketing
at 0-3-4 MotorSport who made parts for Audi's and Volkswagen's
to make them faster, more reliable.
More sideways.
More sideways.
In many instances.
You gave me a rear sway bar for my e-golf fast influences.
Making my e-golf the most sideways e-golf ever.
Yes, that is the point.
Drunk so sure.
So we make a bunch of aftermarket components
for these cars to make them better.
You want to tell us what 0-3-4 means?
0-3-4.
0-3-4.
Derek, how could you?
You go O to 60.
No, but I do it.
My phone numbers are not to 60.
Yes, my phone numbers have O's in them.
There it is.
Oh, oh, oh, it's magic.
Oh, it's going to go all righty.
Auto parts.
Oh, but that's a West Coast thing.
I don't know.
I don't know.
There's a righty on these parts.
Really?
OK.
And do you have the same song?
Yes.
Without the whole thing.
It's the largest of the triple all-zone,
orrily, and a Natvance.
There's bands in advance.
Natvance time.
Yeah, it's the largest from like a market cap perspective.
Only you would know this.
OK.
But anyways.
034 is the first three digits of the parts numbers
on old Audi i5s, such as that one.
So if you go walk around that car,
every factory part number is 034, dash something, something,
something, something, something, something.
Do you continue to support the five-zone or cars?
We do.
We've discontinued some products over the years
that are just painful.
So we started as a company in the car with 034 on it.
Some things are still around, but we
started as a company making standalone ECUs for these cars
back in 2005.
Yeah, this is our 20th anniversary this year.
Wow.
We were the only company to come up with an ECU
that could do an odd number of cylinders, basically.
There was no standalone that could do odd cylinder counts
at the time.
So that's odd.
That's odd.
Right, it was put in ours to chip in it
to a bullet and call it a day.
So we started as a company making these faster.
So 034 motor sport off of an Audi 80 at the time.
So we, my boss and myself, Javad, weren't even born yet.
No, I was alive.
I was alive.
Fetal.
Dipers.
I was running around.
Pampers.
Cruisers.
Ish.
Because you were running around.
I think I was Crocs by then, for sure.
I have to make fun of them because he's the youngest guy in the room.
Yeah, I'm five.
Yeah, you're right.
No, so my boss and I bought this car together
as a sort of homage throwback.
So I am not the only one leveraged in bad decision-making.
I get to drag you.
Missouri loves company.
Yes, he owns the company.
He can help support you with parts, which are going to need.
There's thoughts there.
OK, so yes, we're relaunching a bunch of old products
that we used to make for these under 034 tradition.
They sub-brand.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
I think that's super cool because there's a real problem
with if you have a vintage car with sort of support
in a longer existing.
Right.
I mean, I've now been around long enough to watch a lot of cool stuff.
Just get discontinued in NLA for cars.
And now there's demand as their classics.
And it just doesn't exist.
And so people are like, holy shit, you
haven't original pre-merger or dine on whatever the shit.
And it's worth tons of money.
And I think it's neat that people are actually
supporting these cars.
Exactly.
And the market for a couple of years, these became worthless.
So spending any money on a performance part
or just a OE replacement upgrade was not, didn't make sense.
But nowadays, there's more of a crowd behind them.
So we're bringing back some performance parts.
But we're also like, you can't find the sensor anymore
to save your life.
Let's go ahead and make them.
Or these rear ball joints that no longer exist
in the state of the world.
Shokhan used to be the last one you could find them from.
But we can, with our manufacturing abilities,
bring a lot of that stuff back.
So that's very cool.
We're going to make it worthless.
We're doing God's work.
I request one crappy outie at a time.
No, people can send a letter like, hey, don't let her email.
Don't let her.
I don't want it.
No, it's yours.
They can email us and say, you have to spell out 0, 0, 4.
Yes, and if you spell it wrong,
then they won't make the part.
Exactly, then we won't do it.
But how do you catch them for mispronouncing
oddie if they're writing emails?
You need to let that go.
No.
My name's money.
Really, that'd be working on Porsche.
The majority of our customers call us 034 motor sports.
And we just have to accept that as much as it drives us
up the wall.
034.
I mean, we did make a shirt that fanatically spells it out.
You guys, you've done some pretty racy marketing stuff
through the year.
Don't you have like April Fools products before, yeah?
A few shifter deletes, hella flush stance kits.
It's vinyl that just goes over your fenders
to cover it to wherever the wheel is.
The shifter deletes just covers the shift box itself.
And then balls, of course.
Yes.
Yeah, they're always doing profane things there.
But most of 034's business is new cars
and turboing every day.
These days it's all of the, you know,
we're mark four and forward for VW,
VW products, correct.
And for Audi, it's B5 and above basically
would be bread and butter and a lot
of the new stuff these days, which
have complex ECUs that let you tune for more power.
Yeah, didn't we have a Q5?
Did that Q5 wind up in one of our races or no?
Not officially.
It did do a sporty race against the LFA in the RS3, just for fun.
Right.
I think we have, we probably have iPhone footage of that.
Yeah, I think Sean was in the back seat.
I got something.
I vaguely remember, I don't remember who won,
but that was, didn't you bring the Q5 down to tow the 200 just
in case?
Yes.
So the Q5 has towed the 200 a few times.
But on this one, we were feeling sporty.
So we didn't tow it there, but I brought the trailer just
in case it didn't need it.
Didn't need it, didn't need it.
Which was amazing given how Nick drove that car.
I mean, I put a V box in it and I'm like, OK, well, you know,
get the run the quarter mile.
And, but we need to film this 40 more times.
So don't kill it.
And all I hear is, what the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, boom.
And the full clutch dump at Red Line, full boost.
That was a redemption weekend for that car.
The last few times we tried to take it out to do things
who knew an event at Blue Diff.
And then a half mile event at Blue Tranny.
So between those two, we got to sort it.
Now it's ready.
Please don't tell me these things because what I don't want
to ever think about is, you know, what would have happened
to have that car exploded for that shoot?
We would have gone to a junkyard and get another one eating.
Oh, I'm not worried about you.
We spent all the money to have the crew and the track and the whole thing.
Cars blowing up is a problem.
I mean, the probe, we had only done half of the coverage in the car
for the, for that whole segment.
If you look closely in the Mustang, you weren't there for that.
But if you look closely in the dark horse video,
you'll see that all of the exterior moving shots of the probe,
it's being towed by the suburban wind expedition.
We had some rental truck that we just towed it.
And we just sort of tried to frame out the tow robe.
And it's just going down the runway at 30 miles an hour.
Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk.
Just fucking CV is hanging.
That works.
They've got to do what you got to do.
At least it's light.
You know, you can actually get that thing up to speed at that.
We weren't trying with an axle hanging out of it.
I mean, I want to do more damage.
Live a little.
Have fun.
I was worried Nick could kill me.
He's one of those guys who just picked me up.
Oh, smash.
No, he's gentle giant.
I'm not thinking he will, but he could.
Yes, you know, you don't taunt the German shepherd
to the point where you piss it off.
Careful.
Although he's, you know, with the last name, like,
this is Gambalori.
He's not German.
Yeah, exactly.
He would just have his.
All of the New York County.
Exactly.
So yes, my only issue, I think that is a really cool car.
Actually.
It's underappreciated.
I think it's beautiful.
It's well proportioned.
It's the right size.
I just don't like that.
It fits into today's negative society
of hating everything and everyone.
I mean, it's, you know, right now everyone's anti-progress
and anti-world.
And that is anti-lock.
And it's, I'm sorry, I just wonder
if you're going at this.
We're going to have Derek.
The audience is going to do enough of a grown from that.
I almost showed up with a lock, with a padlock,
just to be like, and what do you have against this?
I love that it has an anti-lock button on it.
First of all, OK, that it turns off the ABS.
Secondly, that it doesn't say, like, it doesn't have an ABS
logo with it, but the thing through it
it just says anti-next-line lock.
I think that's all right.
It's anti-anti-lock.
She should be.
But it's just anti-lock.
They got most of the way there.
It should be the squared.
Yes, oh my god.
But around the answer.
Because it is not the most sophisticated anti-lock.
If you were driving spiritedly,
it will get in your way, or in the snow.
It's terrible.
I did manage to, in the snow, lock up all four of my dad's wheels.
So that, if I remember correctly, is Gen1 Bosch ABS,
which, or might be two.
But it does not have the ability.
It's not smart enough to know what's physically possible
and what's not.
And those systems, it didn't have a G sensor.
It was just using wheel speed.
So if you smacked the pedal as hard as you possibly could,
presumably, if you had working power assist,
you could get all four wheels to lock up at exactly the same time
to which the computer would say,
but we were moving and now we're stopped.
It says nothing for me to do here.
I had a Mercedes 190 that would the same thing.
In the snow, if you pounded the pedal,
just all four wheels locked and you drift down sideways.
And then you could start to slowly come off the pedal.
And one wheel would start turning and be like,
we are moving.
And then it was, and as you're coming off,
gradually allow the wheels to unlock.
And I'm pretty sure I did that same thing in my dad's car.
I'd believe it.
It's doable.
I was up in Tahoe last weekend with it.
And I had to use the anti lock button,
the anti-antial lock button because the small bit of slush
and it would immediately enter into anti-lock mode.
It was quite rough.
What tests at the time showed was that,
although the primary benefit of ABS
is to retain steering control and directional control,
ABS cars typically do stop in a shorter distance
on dry pavement.
And certainly in split-mew situations
where you have grip on one side and none on the other,
it stops you from rotating, going to spin.
However, in deep gravel and snow,
stopping distances were increased
because you actually want a little bit of slip
to create a trough with a leading speed bump in front of it.
That slows you down better.
And so if I remember correctly, the owner's manual
explained this, but if you're driving in deep snow or gravel,
it recommended turning on, probably not for the US
because we're so litigious.
It has the owner's manual in it.
So I will.
It has all the original documentation
came with a Bentley manual and everything.
Nice.
We'll flip through that.
Yeah, it recommended turning it off
so that you could lock up the wheels.
They would dig in and you'd stop sooner.
And that's why they did the thing.
And that fueled all kinds of stuff.
Back in the day, I wanted to put ABS in the shirako
and I set that on a pre-forum on a mailing list.
Yes, sir.
And everyone was like, you're an idiot.
They don't stop as short.
You're going to die in this car, whatever.
And like, no, no, no, no.
It's just very strange, like fringe cases, like deep gravel.
The rest of the time, unless you have four feet
and four different brake pedals, you
can't control all four wheels individually.
And it's going to be tough.
Exactly, exactly.
Now, most of the systems in it are
quite good for their age.
I mean, it's power windows, power seats.
It's got general motors, automatic climate
control, with Cadillac, which I love warmer and cooler.
It's just the best, not hot and cold.
No, warmer, cooler, warmer.
But you can't get too warmest.
Oh, hot.
You're just more warmer, warmer.
You're just more warmer, warmer, exactly.
Anti-lock and mo warmer, warmer.
And doesn't it have GM like power seat controls
or something?
Yeah.
That's 200, didn't it?
Yeah, I don't know.
It's so bizarre.
Though we determined the window switches in this thing
is exactly the same as the Alfa 164 and Lancia Tama.
Exactly.
That was totally bizarre.
Exactly.
But are those the same windows switches
that are in all of the other outings?
Yeah.
In the older ones, yeah.
Yeah.
That were available at the same time.
Ferdinand Piedch was, of course, the CEO at this time.
How the fuck did Lancia get those windows, like the people
Quattro cars get that bizarre?
They called outies so far.
They're probably from someone drove a 90 in one.
This is what I need.
There wasn't an L yet.
Those cars were in 1978.
They started developing 70, they were production 82.
How's the nightmare by then?
Crazy.
I love that random shit.
Something else just had those windows switches too.
I understand.
There was another thing in the studio that had that as well.
Oh, we've talked about the Chiseta.
It was not the Chiseta.
No, no, no.
You had three of them in the top of the top of the top.
Oh, 9,000 had the same switches.
Yes, that's one thing it does.
Yes.
I thought it had different windows switches.
Funked it that it did too, but no.
It's the kind of value that Carmage brings to your life.
You know somebody is going to get excited to hear this and be like, no, actually, they
look the same, but the Lancia internals are different, but I did notice they did the click,
the Audi click.
Yes.
Yes.
When you press them, which is just such a out of thing, nuanced thing to know.
Yes.
Okay.
So what else is in your garage?
Oh, God.
In California, I have a 2018 M2 that you've driven and been surprised of the throttle pedal
not being numb, did some tuning to make it a BMW will in men or in sport and sport plus
mode, just put the throttle to like 40% if you touch it.
So made that linear.
And then it was the shifter thing you did too.
Yes.
Shifter bushings and the mount for the shift linkage.
That's what it was.
Yes.
That car is so it's an N55 car.
Correct.
Correct.
I remember thinking and saying to you, I would have two of those before I would buy
any of the S55 cars.
Yes.
What a sweetheart.
Yes.
It makes a sound.
Is it slower?
Absolutely.
But it makes a good sound.
It makes a nice noise.
The shifter felt amazing.
The throttle was linear.
I like the way the boost builds on the N55.
It's not this wallup that throws a car sideways and observes it in like in turbo chargers.
Hmm.
It could happen again.
Guess not.
Me?
Yeah.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
We'll maybe talk about next week how you bought a turbo charge car instead.
Yeah.
I think the thing that says differently, shut up both of you.
It's fucking I can't have any goddamn secrets in this tunable turbo charge card nonetheless.
A turbo charge car that somebody had previously tuned and didn't tell me.
Yes.
I knew it as soon as I was at the garage.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is not actually now.
That's barely aspirated.
It is.
It is aspirating as we speak.
Yes.
It's aspires to one day make a horsepower one day one day.
One day.
Yes.
So that is the 1989 Subaru Sandbar K truck of which is my my prize possession.
We'll never leave.
Really?
Oh my god.
I it's so bad.
It's great.
Well, that's one of those things where you're like, would you rather have the car or
the money?
And you're like, well, there's how much is it worth?
Six dollars.
I have a car.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It has been so useful for me in many years.
It's been all across the country.
I've towed various things where they load things up with it.
It's it's.
Yes.
Okay.
It towed my other broken vehicles.
It towed a nine four four turbo in and out of the parking lot very often.
Okay.
Drax.
Well, like, we're not talking like a trailer on the back of it.
No.
No.
I think 35.
19.
Oh my god.
It is.
It is a three valve two cylinder, EK 23.
Yes.
Sporty.
Why did they not maximize the 656 CC because this is pre.
This was 5.50.
Oh.
This is 5.49.
Yes.
Exactly.
Okay.
They can pretty close to max.
Yeah.
It has had one full ton of river rock in the truck bed before.
I was doing a landscaping ahead of one of our events at work and like a mile and half
away as a rock quarry.
I was like, these bushes are terrible.
Like, let's just make this a rock garden.
Well, I've got the truck.
I just towed five cars out of the parking lot.
Truck is a strong word.
Oh, come on.
It's got a bigger bed than most trucks out today.
That's fair.
I have actually partied in that bed.
You have a huge stereo in there.
Yes.
And even with that in, if it's two or one full ton of river rock, it drove on the bump
stops the whole way back.
But...
Drove is a strong word.
It motored a strong word.
It moved.
It moved.
It moved under motor.
It's powered begrudgingly.
It's a good thing that a lot of people have a hard time grasping is weight does not actually
affect top speed.
And in the case of this, the suspension was so squished that you probably got an extra
mile an hour.
The aerodynamics was incredible.
Correct.
Exactly.
So she does a sprightly 40 if the weather is right.
It depends.
But...
Which is that you have a following hurricane?
You have a big tailwind.
Do you have a DA calculator like on the dash?
You're like, okay, well, I'm only going to 37 today because it's pretty out there.
Yeah.
So you're going to get the draggy in it to zero to five.
Yes.
So the draggy can't do anything under if you don't hit 60, it just ignores it right?
No, it'll do 60 feet.
It'll measure how many minutes to take me to go 60 feet.
That's cool.
Correct.
We should...
Is it...
It's back east, right?
It is, but I can...
It can go play.
Well, the next time it comes here, I think we should bring it on a commissive ultimate
drag race replay.
Oh my god.
And get that biker kit.
Bicyclist who was who raised the Volkswagen bus was awesome.
He was amazing.
He was not only fucking like fast as shit on a bicycle, but he was really...
Hi, I'm Lexi, your friend and jeweler at Chain Company.
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Get a lot of fun to hang out with.
I would totally have them back, because I think he would probably beat your car through
the quarter.
Trouns it.
The ultimate drag race is all the composed of vehicles that you hope will all lose against
the bicyclist, generally speaking.
I mean, it's a very difficult show to edit.
That's a ten-minute show, and the fucking fun is over in eight seconds for having these
car 9, 10, 12 seconds.
We could have a 45-minute race with that fucking thing.
Without a question.
What else do you put, we have to think about what else to pit against?
That fucking fiat to Quichanto, and that diesel land rover.
That was a plug as well, though the plug could probably beat it.
I don't know.
Frenchie, they have breathing problems.
My Frenchie is well in shape.
They can beat the shit out of this truck without a question.
OK.
OK.
Yes.
And then we'll pass out.
See?
They like the Frenchie and the truck.
Yes.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, you broke?
There's a design flaw in this.
I have to contact the guy who made these for us and have them make us new ones.
That's not good.
Yeah.
The amount of plastic that there is on this little corner, for those listening at home, I broke
the Carmage and logo that we have here.
There are little jack stands that are holding it up.
To be fair, the jacksman could hold it up.
This could hold up the truck.
Who made the jack stands that were recalled someone recently?
Oh, Harbor Freight.
Harbor Freight.
Yes.
For now, it's horrible.
Horrible.
Horrible Freight.
Yes.
Don't start with the New York thing.
It's not fair.
So yes, those are my two naturally aspirated vehicles.
I have the Rester turbocharged, the M2, the 2018 SQ-Q5, which was at the shoot.
10 second car.
10 second car.
Under 700 horsepower.
Do you have a nickname for that car?
Like the mommy soccer machine, the refrigerator or something?
Well, it's the schmuck.
Yeah.
That's right.
Yes, yes.
All of my vehicles are serialized by schmuckitude, and that is by far the schmuckiest
of all the schmuck.
And your license plate?
That's correct.
Correct.
That is correct.
Yes.
It was a development vehicle for work that has since seen many things, yet with a hundred
and a half miles.
Which helps to forget.
It wants the ground quickly.
I beat the ever-living balls off of that thing.
It's gradients for the soil.
Yes.
Yes.
But it does everything.
It's a tow rig.
It's been at Laguna Saka.
It's been mid-140s at Laguna Saka, and that was when it had 200 less horsepower.
So I think there's opportunities for a 130 with that thing.
What Randy boasted it.
I thought about bringing it back just to do.
Yeah.
I want to know.
So the thing about Randy is he'll say yes to everything, especially if it's a lot of
work.
Yeah.
I would love to see what he could beat.
It'll lose brakes in four laps.
But only he only needs one.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah.
He'll probably finish them off in one lap.
Yes.
He doesn't use them.
He's trying to fuck up hopes.
As I discovered, the calipers they put on those generations of outies are a single-piece
cast caliper, six piston, so it looks sporty.
But as they heat up and expand, they expand faster than the bleed screw.
So no matter what, when you get thermal maximum, it will just piss all of its fluid out
of the bleeder screw hole.
So in four laps, it happened to me at Laguna.
Wow.
Yes.
You must have been very alert when that happened.
It was a sporty moment, for sure.
And we've since confirmed it happens on the S4s, on the RS3.
Hold on.
Is that the same brakes on the RS3?
Yes.
Okay.
That explains I have a friend who we have a friend.
We all know a friend who wrote one off very spectacularly because pedal on the floor.
New RS3.
Not previous generation.
This is previous generation.
No, the previous was a Brembo caliper, which was also terrible for other reasons.
Yes.
Yes.
How do you in braking not their strong suits?
We're handling.
We fix that.
Yes.
Yes, you have to.
I follow you guys on Instagram.
And you're always doing these fucking, we do shenanigans.
Rages shenanigans on public roads.
Close roads.
Close course.
Whatever it is, I see you coming around on a corner in a fucking white Q5, it's like, you
know, freeze frames.
Like a 38 degree lean.
And then the other car comes through at exactly the same speed and, you know, 12 degree
lean or whatever it is.
You're like, look at what our roll bars do.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, you ought to come to the track today the next time we do it.
I think we're doing button will at the end of the month.
We're a wool.
You can see an Audi turn.
It's crazy.
I've never.
They just don't do it out of the box.
No, no, no, they don't.
But that's, you know, a lot of people ask me, you're like Audi or BMW and it's like,
do you want a daily that you can make sporty or do you want a sporty car that you can
daily, right?
So the BMW out of the box, the Porsche is actually the one that does that was, that was,
that's not the price.
Porsche we need always 9.11 is always the answer.
You take over Monterey car.
We can give us something else.
I have never loved that.
We can thank you.
I have never, I've only owned non-porsche of horses, a cayenne and a 944.
I refused to own a real Porsche.
Okay.
I've owned a 986 and a 996 was so same.
Yes.
The purest will say bullshit, those are not real Porsches.
I've had a cayenne and a 944, and a 928, and a 968.
And?
And that's a, oh, and a 991.
And a bunch of 911s.
Yes.
Yes.
Is there a generation of 911 you've not had, 993, right?
993, 993, I would never own 993, I would, I would own a 997.
That's the only, that's the only, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
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