A curse upon the DVLA

I'm Johnny Smith. I'm a supporter. And this is Smith and sniff, a podcast on which two

friends talk about cars and many other things.

Oh, so what's a prerequisite for a podcaster? Come on.

Saying guys is probably not so. No, I mean important. Apart from talking

about crypto. What else?

So we're talking about crypto and endorsing a dubious car finance reclaim.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's lots of things. Probably, though, basically, you need something with

which to record your voice.

There you go. Bullseye listeners. We have had a minor trauma this morning in that I moved

house three days ago and my life's in boxes. And I put the podcasting mic that we use for

this podcast, of course, and to a degree of success, put it somewhere safe. Where did

I put it? Who the hell knows? And I have found it because I'm recording on it, but how many

hours late? How long have you been waiting for me? Two and a half hours?

Yeah, about that. Yeah.

Oh, what an absolute... But just to add insult to injury, because it was put in the wrong

place, I had to drive back to my old house to check it wasn't still in there because

there was very few things left in there before I clean it all up and stop the rent. And I

sped off in my box door, like a business, middle-aged businessman. And as I was driving

down the road, I went, this car smells of turds. Well, I'd hurriedly opened the garage door to

get the boxer out. There you go. I'm going to admit it now. I've got my own garage again.

Hurrah. I must have trodden in some cat pat because my cats just started using the cat flat.

You know, when you have to move pets to new locations, it'd be gentle with them. I must

have stood in some cat pat, got straight in the box door, and then a few miles down the road

when the heating starts to work. And I don't know. It's just suddenly was like, I, something

doesn't smell right in here. Was it in here before, if I'd introduced it? And then alas,

when I got to the other house, I realized my poor nikes had brought a load of feline

wieterbicks in. It's just not cool. So I've got a bit of a cleaning up job. I'm sure other

people have done this. You must have done this, Rich. Come on.

I walked dog poo into the Mitsubishi Evo 10 long-term test car that I had from Evo years ago.

Oh. At a point when my relationship with that car was, I would say rather fractured and all

time low. I didn't like that car very much. I thought that compared to previous Evo's,

it lacked some charm somehow. And it wasn't actually that nice to drive unless you were

going absolutely bananas. And so for the most part, just commuting in it and stuff, the ride

was too hard. The interior was crap. The engine sounded horrible. I didn't get on with it

at all. And then as a sort of crowning glory, I trot dog mess into it. And it was just like,

I just remember going, well, this is just perfect, isn't it? I disliked this car and now it stinks

of shit. Couldn't get any more Bob on. And that's the last time I can remember such an

incident, which was a long time ago now. So I should count my blessings. But there must be

other people who have done this. You found your mic and the good news for many listeners is

we're not on an airplane this week because we had quite a lot of feedback about last week's

episode. And quite a few people enjoyed it. Something different, quite a few people didn't.

We've had so many messages about the noise that A320s make. I mean, I don't know where to start.

What I'm going to do is I just say the first person out of the blocks to explain what's going

on there was one of our patrons, Robin Johnson. He said, it's the power transfer unit that makes

the barking noise. It transfers hydraulic pressure from one of the systems to the other when there

is a measurable pressure difference of 500 psi between the two. When the pressure drops, the

PTU kicks in. It's located near the main landing gear, and that's why passengers can hear the noise

seemingly coming from midway down the aisle under the floor. The barking happens most frequently

at the gate and taxi, where most aircraft will run only one engine to save fuel. With one engine off,

that engine doesn't provide the power to the pump to provide hydraulic pressure in one of the

systems. The PTU balances that pressure between the two systems and goes on and off as it does so.

Boeing's have a different hydraulic setup and thus don't bark.

It is a strange sound. It's almost, I know you said it's like a dog bark and a few people have

called it a dog bark. In a way, it sounds a bit like a sped up tortoise mating sound.

Oh, somebody sent us a clip on Instagram of somebody very accurately replicating it by rubbing

wet fingers on a shower glass, shower screen. Yes, I saw that. Which is very good. It does also,

to me, sound a little bit like sawing, like someone's just got a black and decker workmate

in the belly of the plane and they're cutting into a bit of wood. But thank you to everybody,

and there were loads who offered the same explanation. We've had pilots, we've had

aviation engineers, and we've had just people who really like planes. So thank you all of you

for the explanation. Also, I feel I should address this because we've had quite a lot of

comments from people going, bloody hell, I'm glad I wasn't sat there you lot on that plane,

you just chatting shite and recording a podcast. The plane was really, really quiet. There was,

I don't think there were any people behind us for about four or five rows,

and probably the same forward of us and definitely no one across the aisle. It was,

it was wonderful. We had a cordon of safety to talk shite without, I think people maybe thought

it was like there was a bloke in the middle seat and we were sort of reaching over him to chat

nonsense. But no, we almost had the plane to ourselves, which is why we were able to record

that podcast for better or worse. But some, but thanks for all the feedback and thank you for

all the info about why airbuses make that noise. Oh, and also a lot of people corrected me and said,

there's an even smaller airbus, the Sport Quattro A390 isn't the smallest one. There's a 318,

which I'd forgotten about. Yes, which was highly unsuccessful. Yeah, a couple of people pointed

out that actually they only made, I think sort of 80 or 90 of them and most of them have been scrapped

now. Yeah, what? Because they're not, they can't justify their existence with such a small capacity

or? I think yes, just too small to be useful. Also, some people pointed out, and I did, I remember

reading about this, that British Airways fitted out one or two of them with a full Bosnus-class

cabin and they flew them from London City to New York. Oh, that's nice. Well, is it? I don't know.

I mean, can we, can we get one and shorten it a bit more for homologation purposes? I'd really like

to. How short do you want to go? I'd like it so that behind the pilot's cabin, you can do five big

steps before the wings start. Oh, yeah. So, you know, so basically five huge steps from the toilet

until the engines. I'd like that. According to someone, I'm sorry, I've not kept a record of

this, but somebody did point out that they stopped, one of the reasons they stopped doing the A318

flights to New York is because obviously they were aimed at, you know, top city people who hadn't

got time to go across London to Heathrow to get to New York, which is like a very specific level

of importance. First world. Get me to New York, Marjorie. I haven't got time to go to Heathrow.

Think of something else. But I can get you there in 30 minutes. No, not enough time. No. Well,

that's it. So apparently one of the reasons that sort of undermined BA's plan, not being on a really

tiny plane in full Bosnian class. But I think they said it was because the Elizabeth line opened

and made it really quick to go east to west across London. And that would get you to Paddington,

where you could jump on the Heathrow Express. And then you could get a big plane to New York

from Heathrow. So they don't do it anymore. But also, thank you to all of the excellent avionerds

who pointed out that the other quirk of the 318 is that it had the tallest tail of any of those

planes in the A320 family because it needed a bit of extra stability from being so short-wheelbase.

Did it really? I'll tell you one other thing. I don't like to just keep looking backwards.

But the other conversation we had was about my pod parking capsule at Terminal 5. Had a

couple of people again, because I've been so out of touch this morning searching for a microphone.

I'm a little bit sweaty and disorganised. They said you do know that those pods were made by

Westfield cars, don't you? And I didn't know this. I didn't know this until you sent me that link.

Yeah. And this is what a great bit of boring card trivia for your next book. I mean, that's

fantastic, isn't it? In the last few days, I've had loads of little nuggets of stuff for a possible

future boring card trivia. It's been quite quiet on that front for a while. And then suddenly,

people have been sending me stuff again. I think it's great that there we go. So Westfield make

that. And if you're not based in the UK and you've got no idea what we're talking about,

just look up Heathrow pod parking, POD, Terminal 5. Or follow James May on social media. He loves to

put up footage of him in a pod whenever he's there. There is a charm to it. It's like going on a

very old fun fair ride with small children. So it clatters a bit and it's slow, but it's also friendly.

Yeah. And I just, before we go any further as well, just to address another sort of bit of

correspondence has been coming in, basically in the last week, we've had all of our emails have

either been people explaining how the hydraulic system works on a small airbus, or sending us

a link to that Nissan Leaf Hurst that's for sale at the moment. Have you seen this?

Yes, I have. I have seen it. It's 11 grand. It's the fact that so many people saw it and

immediately went, Smith and Sniff need to know about this. I suppose we do. And we have seen

it. I've seen it before because it's quite weird for people who haven't seen this. It hasn't been

made into a Hurst in the sort of accepted way that they stretch an old Jagger or Merck or something.

No. They've just made it so that the coffin goes down the one side where the back seat and then

the front passenger seat would be. And then they put a glass, like glass full glass side on it.

They have. So you can see the coffin. It's quite strange. It's not, it's not like that Mustang

Mac E-hurst, which looks like they've extended the wheelbase by seven feet. It looks so unbelievable.

I'd love to have a go at it. I see one of those around Bath all the time. Do you? Yeah. It's,

one of the field directors here must have got it. But yeah. It looks like lazy. It's like a real world

example of a quick Photoshop job. That's what's amazing. Yes. So I keep rubbing my eyes and

blinking going, hang on, that can't look like that really. And then you go, it does look like that.

That's what it looks like. There must be clone marks on the bodywork. So we're where they're

That's right. Well, there we go. Anyway, so thank you to everyone who shared the leaf

purse link. It is, it is deeply weird. Yeah, it is. The, the, before I just, I don't want to talk

much more about my disorganization and that I've just moved to house. But what I will say,

out of bad always comes good. And this morning whilst driving around in my cat shit spelling

Boxster, I, what I did see is someone in the village or the nearby village where I live

has got on their front garden a very interesting algal car, which I must go back to.

There's, there's a, there's a slightly algal yellow. This makes it extremely 90s.

Peugeot 406 coupe. Oh, yeah. In that yellow, that yellow that always looks good on 90s cars,

doesn't it? Carrados, BMW M3, E36 is, it's that kind of yellow. It's not mega custody,

is it? It's sort of a little bit lighter than that. It's quite a light, almost sort of pastly yellow.

Yeah. This one's, this one's slightly UV damage because it's obviously been

sat in the same position for a while. I'm very much like to dealgify it though. It looks great.

The other thing I want to do is I want to shake my fist and wave it at the DVLA.

You know, personal registrations, private regs. Yeah. Well, I've lost one that I've had for years

and years on retention. I've never, I never got a chance to put it on the car that it's supposed

to go on because that car's still not finished. Can you say which one?

It's my Chevrolet Impala, my 64 Supersport, which I bought, I bought this number plate for it 17

years ago, I think, or 16 years ago. And I've managed to renew its retention thing once.

Amongst all of the bobbins going on with me trying to move house and all the stresses of that and

trying to still continue working on for the YouTube person, I must have just let the letter slip.

And when I came round to my pile of admin to do it, it had expired 10 days ago.

And I tried to get hold of the DVLA and they were just like, no, it's just gone.

So you buy you buy something, but you don't own it. I think I think that's bollocks.

This was, remember, we talked a while ago about people essentially storing wealth

in a high value private plate on a relatively low value car. Yeah.

And ducking inheritance tax. Yeah. And part of that loophole. Remember,

we someone explained it to us in terms we could understand that part of that loophole was the

argument that you never actually own the number plate because the DVLA could revoke it at any time

and have revoked it. And in your case, they, they have taken it back. And did I tell you about

just if we're bitching about the DVLA? I'm so cross. I'm so cross about it because I want it back.

I paid good money for it. And I'd like to put it on that car at some point. I've even had the

number plates made for it about 10 years ago. I want it gone. Well, I don't know. It's flying

around on a Swansea computer. I don't know where it's gone. But I want it back. And if anyone can

help me get it back, I'm not, you know, I'm not being held ransom by the DVLA. I've paid for it

once. Don't piss around, please. Come on, guys. Listen, guys. So my fairly recent DVLA woe was

that when I bought my Metro Turbo, it has been with the same owner for so long that it had an

old style V5. I love those. Yeah, they're quite nice on you. But anyway, so I filled in the bits

I needed to fill in and sent it off to get a new one issued in my name. And as far as I can work

out, the DVLA just lost it. And I think it's probably because those went, Oh, we don't recognize

what this is. We haven't seen one of these for ages. Let's just throw it in the bin or drop it

down the back of a filing cabinet or something. So when I contacted them and finally managed to

get an answer, they just went, we have no record of that. No. So so I had to do all those forms

where you then, you know, get a new V5 issued in your name. And yeah, you know, thankfully,

I had all the details of the form owner and stuff. And so presumably that's somewhere on a system.

So it all checked out. But the bit that irritated me was it said, please complete this form and

send it back to us together with a check or post-lawler for £25. Oh my gosh, a check.

I go around the house. I can't think where I saw my checkbook. And I find I said to my wife,

so where where all the checkbooks? She went, what? We just cut them up and threw them away when we

moved house, remember? Because no one writes checks anymore. I was like, well, you know, that was

three and a half years ago. And we definitely haven't used checkbooks since then. So it's fine.

I'll go to the post office and get a postal order. Oh my gosh. So I put the form in an envelope.

It's all addressed and everything is stamped and ready to go. I just need that post-law to tuck

it in there. Went to the post office. Hello, I'd like a post-law for £25 made out of the DVLA,

please. No, yes, certainly. You can only pay for postal orders with cash. Oh, what? I feel like

I'm in 1954. What the Merry Frig is going on here. So I drove all the way home again. I got £25.

We thankfully had some cash in the house. I've got £25 in cash. Great. I'll go back.

Hello, my postal order was £25 made out of the DVLA. Here's £25 in cash. The guy who goes really

nice. And you know, it's not his fault. This is just their way that this works. He knows it's

idiotic, but he can't control it. Yeah, he did. You could tell he was a bit embarrassed by the whole

thing. But you know, I mentioned before, which he had, there's a fee for the postal order,

which I think was something like £2.50 thereabouts. Yeah, yeah. Well, that has to be paid in cash as

well. Oh no. I had to drive back home again and raid my children's piggy banks to get £2.50 in cash.

Drive back. Third time lucky. He's going to have my first postal order and he did it and I put it

in the envelope and I now finally have the V5 FNC for that car, which I own. But it wasn't without

a bit of a fight. And then I was really bored the other week and just a little tune popped into

my head and I've written a whole song about working at the DVLA, which I don't really know what to do

with it. Rich, I worry about you. I haven't recorded the vocals. So it's like, it's not a finished song.

But I was like, I might do the vocals and then I give it to Gareth Jones for on speed or something

because, you know, he plays songs out on that week. We don't really do that. So it's not,

it's not for us. But yeah, no, I just, I wrote a little song about moving to Swansea and getting

a job at the DVLA and basically being a lazy twat. It's one day I'll finish it.

You know, there's that. I heard the other day people referring to that very well known video game

Call of Duty. Yeah. And people refer to it as cod. Did you know this? I'm sure many of you did.

And there was a big discussion about it. I can't remember why I've played it maybe once at a nephew's

house. But I start, I woke up the other morning, chuckling to myself, I suspect no one else is

going to find this funny. But I thought, wouldn't it be great if someone could hack that game and

make a different version for us car permits called Call of Dutton, where you have to do,

it's a POV game. And you have to fight your way through a town to usually knock on the door of

quite a strange old man with a cluttered, cluttered front door and driveway. And you've

got to steal his Dutton. And you've gotten to get away in it. That's assuming it starts and runs,

of course. Yeah, well, with four flat tires. I think game reviewers would speak very warmly of

the quality of the rendering when it comes to all the wires hanging down below the dashboard.

Some of which you've sort of got to fiddle with a bit before the car will start. Yeah. Before the

basically garden shed key that you put into a very exposed ignition barrel

will turn correctly. The seat is a bit damp when you sit in it and water oozes out from it. And

the guy said, the guy's already said, oh, did you want a cup of tea? And you said, no, thanks,

please brought one out to you. And it's got lumps of milk in it. And you go, oh, no, could someone

get me out of it? Yeah, we're being nasty about Dutton people. I'm sure the Dutton crew are

fantastic. We've been asked many times as Smith and sniff if we can buy a Dutton as a company car.

I think I've held fast on that one and gone now. Yes. No, not for me. Well, you know,

we've got a Saab on our plate, haven't we? And then we've passed on that free X type that was

mentioned the other week. I think somebody a listener is going to take that car. It's going

to save it. Yeah, I saw that, which is great. So that's good. Yeah. And we've not for us. We've

also been offered a free Alpha 159 of huge mileage. Yeah, that's when I came in last week.

And I didn't tell you and I didn't tell anybody because I was I was trying to move house and I

thought, no, no, no, no, I'm not having I think it's just enormous. They tried to give me a free

Alpha and I said, no, no. Okay, well, maybe we should talk about this afterwards because there's

also the other free car that you were going to give me an update when they'd given you an update

about the Branflake situation underneath it. Oh, gosh. I mean, it's lovely. It's it really is

lovely. Yeah, that other one is giving me a real pang. But Branflake. Oh, that one. Yes,

I've just suddenly remembered which one you were talking about. Yeah, my light bulbs just gone off.

Talking sort of about cast, did I ever discuss in any detail about I had a week with the new

Renault four? You know, I said the other week that I borrowed a current Porsche McCann EV and I was

taken aback by the fact it had six mighty washer jets. Yes. That actually surprised me. Well,

the bloody four has got six washer jets as well. Has it really? They're not quite as as intense and

sort of firehosey as the ones on that Porsche, but it has got six washer jets. No, but it's a

quarter of the price near as damn it, isn't it? So I know that's the thing. It's sort of like,

there must be a there is a cost, albeit fairly small, but there's a cost to putting per washer

jets. Surely it feels like that's a lot of washer jets for a fairly affordable car. Why are we still

redesigning washer jets? I don't understand. There are certain parts of car construction and

engineering, which have someone's just done it well. And we go, yeah, that's university the best

one. Remember the fan, the fan jets from a Volkswagen Passat, I think I first saw them on.

Yeah. And the Golf Four. They were misty, weren't they? Yeah. So like, that's the best one. I'd

say it's the most efficient. So can everyone just adopt that as industry standard and just go,

that's it. Can everyone stop redesigning jets and save your money, please?

But I wonder if they're very expensive because that was sort of peak Volkswagen under Ferdinand

Pieck, wasn't it? Where he just wanted excellence in everything and, you know, sometimes perhaps

cost was secondary. Yeah, that's true. And I wonder if you're an accountant at Ford or

somewhere, you just go, sorry, they're twice the price of the ones we use. And the customer benefit

isn't twice as much, so no piss off. Because I don't think Volkswagen fit them anymore, not to

golf and stuff, do they? No, but then they said they've been on a cost cutting mission, haven't

they? Which is, but it's a shame when you, these are the sorts of things that I try and say to

people who just want to keep buying new cars or leasing them or whatever you do with them.

And saying, you do know that just getting a new one doesn't make it better. It doesn't mean that

the cars fundamentally better. It doesn't even mean that it's less, more fault free. It's just,

there are certain points, and I know other podcasters and automotive journals have been

trying to discuss when was Pete Carr. And the mark for golf is probably around that period,

actually, isn't it? Where you've got really amazing attention to detail and engineering and

quality QQC, but yet not too tech loaded that the car can have an absolute meltdown and be written

off because of its electronics. I was talking to someone about this yesterday, because they're

saying, well, I'm talking about golf GTIs. And I said, you know, the, the three and the four

golf GTIs were generally thought to be not great. And then they pulled it back with the five. But

I was saying, I bet if you drove a mark for golf GTI now, you'd think that's quite a nice car.

This not super sporty, but it's nice in other ways. And you know, that, that, that interior for its

time was really good. Because I remember driving my brother's Golf 4 TDI 130. It was an obsolete

model at that point, but only just, I think. And I hadn't driven a Golf 4 for ages. And I remember

just thinking, oh, yeah, this is all right, isn't it? This is actually, I just, it is a pleasant,

pleasant car and a nice interior compared to what else was around at the time.

Um, it just wasn't, it just didn't feel GTI. No, it was a bit stodgy, wasn't it? And like,

because I remember the first time I drove one, it was alongside a Persho 306 GTI 6. And, you know,

the golf just felt incredibly boring. But fun enough, I was on a shoot for old, old top gear

with TVs, Jeremy Clarkson. And I remember chatting to him about it. And he went, I'm older than you.

And I just take the golf because the Persho is a bit frantic. And at the time I remember thinking,

God, it's so boring. I can't believe Jeremy said that. But now, with age comes wisdom. I'm a bit

like, oh, I kind of see what he meant. I mean, I'd still take the Persho because they're freaking

great. Yeah, me too. Yes, I get it. The golf was a deeply sort of nice car. That 4, speaking of the

Renault 4 is a nice car. And I like the fact that I could actually get my children in the back,

which the 5 I thought was a bit of a struggle. But then, you know, the trade-off is I don't

think the 4 has the superstar looks of the 5. It's nice looking.

No, it doesn't have the, it doesn't stop people in their tracks. And it's not a talking point,

like the 5 seems to have the star quality, does it?

Do you find in your Renault 5 that that gear selector on the column doesn't always engage

as you would think it's going to? Yeah, I do the triple tap when I get in it.

So I get in it and you, I've probably done it. We've used the sound effect before on the podcast,

haven't we, where it sounds like solar times by Prince. So I get in it, foot on the brake,

press the on button. And as I'm pressing the on button, the right hand is doing three grabs

down to the floor of the shift to put it in D. It's not dawdling when you're going from

drive to reverse, say, manoeuvring out of a car parking space, because some EVs are and that's

infuriating, especially when there's somebody driving at you and you're trying to do a three

pointer. But yeah, it is, it's not quite as intuitive as others. I'm used to the fact it

doesn't have park now. I'm used to that. But that, yes, I realize you do get used to that.

But the, yeah, the inconsistency of that column thing that's just doesn't always 100%

do what you've asked it to do. And I reversed somewhere and then dinked it to go and drive,

and it didn't go into drive. I reversed somewhere, make it sound like you went, I went to Bournemouth.

I reversed to Daventure and back. No, I just, I just reversed our space or something. So there was,

there was, I reversed up to another car quite close, thought I'd gone into drive, and I was about

to step on it to drive away. And thank God I didn't, because in fact, it was still in reverse,

and I would have just reversed into another car. It was the fact that the, yeah, I just

noticed in time, but it was a bit. So otherwise, I think it's quite a nice car. I still has the

other thing I don't like about the five is I think the steering is a bit wispy and the four has

the same problem. It just feels very artificial and does not enough weight to it for some reason.

But otherwise, nice rides, nice interior, I like the way it looks.

I'll tell you what reminds me of how much fun the Renault five is, is when I go from my Tesla S

back into the five, the five feels like a puppy that just wants to play. And the Model S,

though comfortable and refined, just feels like a sort of older dog that just wants to do

corners and things just a little bit slower. It's got more power ultimately, but you almost

don't want to use it because you know that it weighs 17 tons and it's just not going to be that

much fun on the tires. It's like my dog now, bless her, because she's old. And sometimes, you know,

when she was younger, you'd come in through the front door and she'd bound to her feet and she'd

be there tail wagging, tongue hanging out, happy to see you. Now sometimes she just can't be asked.

She's just like, oh, it's you, just lying there on the rug. I was looking at my notes,

I keep in my phone of things that I want to discuss with you. And I've got something written

in here, which is absolutely mysterious to me. It's not since the days of fizzy yogurt.

Have I had something that's been there for a few weeks and I cannot figure it out. And I feel like

it might be something you said to me to write down and said, write this down so I don't forget it.

And I did. And it's mysterious because I forget. What it says is never ending disco two.

Does this ring any bells? No, it doesn't. Never ending disco two. So I assume discovery two.

Well, yeah, would be. But why is it never ending? Oh, God, I was really hoping that you were going

to go. I want to it's it's making me think about my recent observations

that I've had. But I haven't I haven't thought about it. Did you? It's not to do with the discovery

to did you see the Hyundai concept three quite recently called what uses all the pixel design

language. It's a really good looking car. I think I and I just can continue to just

smash them out of the park. They all look so interesting. But also I underline the

practicality when it comes to the road cars. It's a very nice looking car quite a hint of the old

Veloster about it. Yeah, Veloster. Yeah. Yeah. But with then also there was some angles. I sort

of thought that the back just very slightly reminded me I talking shy here of them have

looked the old Chevy vault. Oh, yeah. Well, you all we all know that Chevy vaults just fantastic.

And I'd have one again at the drop of a hat on that side of things.

I'm not totally sold on every single thing that Hyundai has done recently. But what I do

like is that they have a certain amount of confidence about them. It feels like their design

department is really sort of firing on all. So they are they are very bold and confident.

And you can imagine sort of knowing a little bit about how car designs have to sort of get

through layers of management in any large corporation. Yeah. That the thought that they

must have some very good design bosses there. Well, actually, I've met there's a guy called

Simon Loesby who's a British guy who is, I think, second in charge there at Hyundai Kia design,

maybe just Hyundai, lovely guy. And I presume he has to spend a lot of time standing in rooms with

the load of suits going this is what we want to do. And they're like what about no, I don't

don't care, we're going to do this because it's going to be right for what we want to do.

I reckon that it's it's good to see that confidence, but it's not cocaine confidence,

which which I think what is what BMW's got right now where they I was I was followed around by

an illuminating big grill piece of shit the other day and just made me really angry. I mean,

I don't like being followed by BMWs anyway, because they they tend to be very, very close.

They're invading your personal space just like someone coked off their face in a bar

who will stand really close to you and just talk unwanted bollocks really, really close to you.

It's exactly the same, but in automotive terms.

That's it. I do wonder how those management review sessions go in that company. I've started,

I do wonder how they go in Mercedes sometimes as well. I don't know whether there's just a sort of

a misplaced trust or, you know, if there's some kind of crazy mind tricks that the design

bosses are playing, I'm going, this is the car we want to make. And I go, but it's disgusting. No,

it's not your mistake. I'd like Mercedes to build boxy cars again. But, you know, like

slightly aero considered, but ultimately boxy cars again. I think if Merck did that thing

like the Hyundai N74 concept coupé thing, they took the language. And what was that other Hyundai,

the grand, the grandeur, the concept. Yeah, the old grandeur, didn't they? Yeah,

they did that old grandeur, but revived. Imagine if Mercedes said we're going to do a 190E again,

kind of like that. I always think Mercedes relationship with the past is interesting,

isn't it? Because it's on the one hand, you think they're quite a forward looking tech driven company,

and then, but they do lean on the past in weird and random ways, you know, sort of hark back to

an old 300S or something. But then they put that weird pontoon back wing on the E-Class a couple

of generations ago, and then realized it looked toss and took it off at the facelift, which much

have cost a frigging fortune to do new pressings. But that's sort of, they occasionally do dabble

in their own past, but they sometimes pick the wrong bit. They do pick the wrong, I think you're

right, they pick the wrong bits to head back to. And they've got such a good nostalgia. I mean,

bloody hell, they invented the car for crying out loud. But they did the, that thing last week,

they showed off the Vision Iconic, which is this sort of huge Cruella de Ville kind of coupé.

Yeah. And I mean, it's got one hell of a profile because the front wheels are, I mean, they're

the opposite of your proposed cut down airbus A318 because it's about 10 steps from the front

axle to where the cabin starts. It's really exaggerated. That I kind of like, but then

it feels like a sort of some kind of crazy CGI rendering of someone's just done online.

It does. It is quite retro and the interior is ridiculously retro. It's got a four spoke

wheel, but where the four spokes aren't, they're just an X. It's like a big X and it's like an

old car. Oh, really? What? Like a ships wheel? Kind of. Yeah. The whole interior is sort of a

bit art deco. We are definitely very, very retro and backward looking. Because for someone,

I was kind of good, but I don't know. There's something I don't like about it. I can't put

my finger on what. I think the issue for me with that, we're in danger of getting car to car

chatty again in this podcast, but look, hey, listen, I think it's worth mentioning.

Like the Jag design that's upset everybody. Yeah. That car is an interesting car and I

like the shape, but it's not right for an electric car. Because there's no point in having a huge

bonneted electric car. It just, it's a total waste of space and purpose. If it was V8, V12,

big piston, fire-breathing thing. And the same with this Cruella De Vilti. Do you remember the

Myback Xcelero? Yes. Which is one of my favorite concept cars of all time. Just think it looks so

mad and angry. Yeah. This new Merc, that was one of my first thoughts when I saw it. I was like,

oh, they've been here before. Yes. And in terms of proportions and that sort of, we're just going

to do really over the top, dramatic coupe. It is, it's the Myback Xcelero rethought. But the

thing about the Jag, I totally agree with you. I can't remember if we talked about this in the

podcast, but if the production version of that Jaguar, which from the spy photos is clearly

going to have the same proportions, if it doesn't have a huge boot under that bonnet, ideally side

hinged bonnet as well. Oh, yes. Like a piano. Yes. Like a pre-walker. Then I'm going to be

disappointed because that's, yeah, you're right. There's a lot of bonnet there that's not serving

any purpose on an EV. No, yeah. They've found a purpose for it. Yeah. If they changed the game

by saying, we've got all of the boot space in the front, the back doesn't have any to speak of,

but the front boot space is enormous. And it hinges up like a pre-war sort of Art Deco

grandeur car. That would be really interesting. And I would forgive it for that. But that kind

of shaped car. What if it's scissored upwards like one of those car lifts? So it or the boot lid

on a Honda Civic Del Sol, it goes up entirely horizontally. And so then you put things in

that way. That would be okay. Do you know why? Because if you're trying to get stuff out of the

boot outside the hotel and it's pissing with rain, yeah, it still protects what's inside,

doesn't it? Yes, it does. See, so I'm kind of down with it. So I like that kind of shaped car

because I'm a big fan of huge boxy saloons and coupes and things. But I just when it comes to

EV propulsion, it doesn't really stack up for me. But I like the Jag more than the Merc because

although they are both these sort of slightly exaggerated coupes, at least the Jaguar is

trying to be modern. And the Mercedes is sort of looking over its shoulder. And I'm just sort of

wondering what point they're trying to make. But because it's electric. So it's like, again,

it's like, well, you've given it the proportions of a sort of car with a v 16 from the 1930s.

Yeah, that's right. Anyway, I did that podcast on my own when you were away trying to hunt down the

prototypes of the new Jag. And I still haven't seen one on the road. And we get quite regular

messages from listeners who live in the Midlands particularly. So I saw a new Jag. But I was

standing on a street in a little village, not far from Gaydon, the other week after I'd done that

evening with at the museum. The next morning, I went to meet a mate of ours for a coffee. And then

we were standing in the street and the new all electric Range Rover Vella prototype of that went

past, which has been papped a lot with a very elaborate disguise on it that puts this big fake

boxy back end on it. And it sort of seems to be quite well established, it's actually going to be

quite fastback. This one drove past no boxy thing on the back, you could see it was very fastback.

And I just stood there and gawked at him and suddenly went, oh, shit, that could have been a

scoop there if I just got my phone out and taken a picture.

You saved the moment, Rich.

Well, I did. I lived in the moment. It's like, rather than being one of those people at gigs

who films the whole thing extremely badly. Like, I was wondering if they were going to watch that

back. I experienced that quite recently. I wasn't sure whether to bring it up in this podcast.

What people filming gigs? Someone sat in front of me was filming every song for the length of the

song, I would say. So their phone must have been steaming at the end of a two hour gig.

Yeah. Well, that's it, isn't it? And your arm had hurt and you've not watched the gig because

you've been too busy being the world's worst camera person. And it's like...

But also the guy, he kept zooming in so tightly on the lead singer that because he had wobbly

hand arms and because his girlfriend or wife was absolutely pissed on Lady Petrel, they brought

him two bottles of chilled wine and she just sculled them. She was leaning on his shoulder

and singing along to the big songs and he was on full zoom and I was so cross about it. I nearly

went, you're never going to watch this back. It's unusable shit and you've just filled your phone

with two terabytes of bollocks. You need to just stop that man and just listen to the music and

watch the band play. Who were fantastic? I'm not going to tell you who they are because everyone

will laugh at me. Because I know who it is. Do you think I should admit it or not?

I mean, I would understand why you might not want to because then you're going to have to explain

yourself. Yeah, okay. Or you just say who it is and then we move on and everyone can just...

No, I'm not going to. I'm going to leave it hanging. I've just decided that.

Since we're moaning about things in the modern world, I was also... I was saying to you before

we started recording, when did all businesses get so needy? I stayed in a premiere in the other

nights when I was away on a job and I just had an email from them that said, how did we do?

I'm like, you gave me a bed and a shower and I didn't get murdered. You did fine. I haven't got

time to do a freaking survey about how you did. You did fine. If you didn't do fine, maybe I'd

let you know. But you're doing a bang up job, but I cannot sit there and go, yeah, and then my

reception was clean and the lift worked brilliant. It's just like, no, it happened so much. You just

go and buy a block of cheese from a supermarket and then you get an email going, how did we do?

Wasn't poisoned, so I'm going to say, yeah, fine. I've had this a lot, but you know my nemesis is

when they follow it up with, if you could give us your feedback, just simply download the app and

you can feed it through that and you go, why? Why am I going to do that? Well, I'm downloading an app

to say that I think your service was pretty okay. Or, hey, do you want to check in for your flight?

It's really easy when you download the app. No, I don't want to download the app because I fly with

you once a year and that's just another app on my phone. No, I'm not going to do it. Stop making me.

I love how agnostic you are. I'm precious about my app, use.

Yeah, no, it's a fair point, but I feel like we've turned into an episode of

grumpy old man. Something that happened to me the other night, which I thought was delightful,

is that I got into a mini-cub, pre-booked through an app, but a mini-cub. And you know,

you get into these and the drive went Richard and I said, yeah, and he confirmed where I was

going. I said, yes, please. And then he turned to face forwards and start driving the car with the

words, shall we? Oh, great. And then we drove off and I thought, so it feels quite old-fashioned,

but rather delightful. And then did he engage launch control, straight after saver? Yes.

No, it was a prize. He drove in a very safe and stately manner, which was sort of felt

appropriate from someone who starts the journey by going, shall we care to dance? I don't mind if I

do. So I thought it was lovely. Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, but you know,

bit weary over the last week of moving house and all that stuff. Did I talk about the fact that

I find it confusing that sports cars don't have sport written on them, but non-sporty cars

increasingly have sport written on them? Yes, and fans as well sometimes. Oh, yes,

there's a lot of sport vans. The Renault traffic has a spout. It's the Renault traffic,

isn't it? And I think Vauxhall do a spout thing as well. Oh, it's the same fan, isn't it so?

But I don't know why because it renders the word spout meaningless, really. Well,

Range Rover Sport killed that, my friend, I think. Well, I mean, you know, remember the time

when the first Range Rover Spout came out, it was actually sort of surprisingly dynamic. There'd never

been a Range Rover that drove like that, and it was it was actually quite surprising. Spout.

But yeah, it's a relative thing, isn't it? Relative sport. I would quite like that one

on the side of the car. Yeah, but there's no like the Ferrari didn't announce that new

Tester Oster and then go, actually, we're going to call the Tester Oster sport because

it's it's already it's implicit that it's a sports car. So there's no need.

You are right. I quite like maybe they should just stick van on the end of it just to be

ironic. Take that Renault. Yeah, you've got sport. We got your word now. We've got the Ferrari van.

It's actually a van. Yeah, I'd kind of like that one to consider for the future. I still can't

work out. I'm just looking at my notes and I still can't work out what Neverending Disco

2 might be about. Neverending Disco 2. Yeah. I had actually since we were talking about

Hyundai very briefly there, I've forgotten something I saw a few weeks ago. I was on the M6

motorway and I saw a Hyundai XG30. Oh gosh, I love them. I nearly bought one once.

Did you? Yeah, I did. Yeah, because it was so little money and it was real deceased spec,

well-worshiped condition. And I just I think they're a big cobra head contender. Are they not?

I think they are. And they have those big flat wheel trims on them. They do. And then they put

some different wheels on it later on and ruined it as far as I was concerned. Like they should have

just embraced that sort of Aldi Cadillac they had going on. I could see you and I one day

investing pulling the trigger on one of those. Well, yeah, I mean you say you've almost bought

one. I've definitely, when they were as probably as cheap as they were ever going to get, I definitely

brised them when you could still sort of find a few for sale and and thought, hmm. Oh, I'd be.

Yeah, I'm talking full service history for less than 600 sheets. That's what I'm talking.

Britain's, is it Britain's first and possibly only car to have a mini disc player as standard?

Oh, the Korean Cadillac. That's what I used to call it. I absolutely love it.

Damn it, you've got me thinking again. Instead of unpacking my life in a house, I might look up

XG. I just go buy an XG30. Live out of boxes, but you've got an XG30. Anyway, I saw one because

you don't see them around very much, but I saw one on the M6. And when I came alongside it,

because you don't really see an interesting car and you really want to then sort of clock the

driver just to sort of 100% who's driving this? Who's got this going on? Yeah. And it was being

driven by a man who was sitting very, very far forward, like where it's like the seat

backrest was over center. Oh, no, not over center. It's flipped forward. It just went, I can never

understand why people drive like that. But particularly in a very soft relaxing car like

that, it is, it just baffled me. It's punishing. It raised so many questions that could not be

answered because we were on a motorway. But yeah, it was a nice thing to see. There's actually,

I've just looked, there's none on AutoTrader at the moment. There's none. That's none. Oh, I wonder

if, I wonder if Hyundai UK have got one that we could just borrow for a week just to quench my

thirst. I don't know. I don't know. I'd quite like to know, Hyundai UK do listen to this podcast.

We have proof. Listen, guys, look, listen. If you need, if you've got one as part of your

Heritage Collection, can you let us know? And if you want one, can I be the person that helps to

buy one? Thank you. Oh, I can't see any for sale. Anyway, well, that's, I'm sure we'll come back to

this at some point. Anyway, we should, we should wrap this up. But before we go, three things to

share with you. The first is that Johnny is developing a new TV show in which he forces

the former lead singer of Merillion to modify cars in a way that your parents would recognise

under the working title, Fish Soups. Oh, gosh. Not to your taste. Yeah, we're scraping the barrel

now. That's awful. Really awful. I retire this soon, I think. There's always the late break,

sure, of course, because that's real and exists. And what's on there at the moment?

Oh, Richard. What's on there at the moment? An intensive video in which you get cat mess out

of floor mats in a Porsche coaster. Oh, yeah. Well, actually, yeah. I know I'm not getting cat

pat out of the really nice original Boxster mats, which my friend Paul Francis sent me. Sorry.

It is, unless the schedule has changed. I drive and go and see, because it's for sale,

the what is claimed to be the world's highest mileage Ferrari. Oh, yes. So I donned my, I'm

not going to give you, I'm not going to tell you what the car was, but let's just say I donned my

best Hawaiian shirt and went to view and drive this car. And I didn't need any special effects

in order to make the sunroof disappear. I mean, the special effects to people from the crew

standing behind the car to catch the target roof, as I always suspect it must be. As I

frisbee it behind me. Yeah. Yes. So there's that. That'd be nice. Yeah. And if you don't want to

watch that, I mean, we've just done a really nice Honda Civic bar and find that was just such a

survivor. Oh, yes. I haven't watched that yet. I'm going to be soon. Okay. The second thing I

wanted to tell you is a new live show. We are back doing some Otts. What do we call them? Otlots.

Otlots. Yeah. On that live of things, don't we? Yeah. Yeah. Should know our. You don't know the

name of your own live show, Richard. I don't. Well, it's so long since we've done one because

we had a nice summer sort of dandering about Goodwood and first of all, an exceptional and

piston heads annual service, but we are back now to doing our own live shows. And our next one is

going to be on Wednesday, the 19th of November at Great Northern Classics in Derby, which it

delights us to say is basically near Nottingham. So tickets are on sale for that now. Go to

smithandsniff.com. You can find a link there and we're hoped to see you on the 19th of November.

Also, it's worth mentioning that I've got my new book out called Petrolhead on Amazon or

smithandsniff.com merch shop. There'll be copies in there soon as well. If you'd like to buy it,

direct from us. And the third thing I wanted to share with you is actually something that's

a listener called Steve tipped me off about, which is he heard us mention Top Gun last week. Yeah.

And how I said that some of the dialogue was surprisingly clunky on rewatching it,

particularly between Tom Cruise and Kenny McGillis in the romance part. But Steve pointed out that

actually a lot of that romance stuff was shot after the film had initially been completed

because test audiences felt that there should be a bit more of a sort of emotional subplot within

the film. Really? Yeah. So I looked this up. The that famous sex scene in the shadows. Yes.

Was done like that because Kelly McGillis had changed the color of her hair for a different

role. And there's a scene in a lift where apparently she's wearing a cap. And again,

it's to hide her hair. She is wearing a cap. Yes. And there's bits of Tom Cruise's hair is

slightly different as well. They had to sort of disguise that because they they went back and

they shot new scenes to bolster the romantic subplot between Kenny McGillis's character

and Tom Cruise. I'm really glad that Tom Cruise wasn't filming a different role, which involved

him having to wet shave his eyebrows, wet shave his eyebrows. And or anything like that. Because

that would have been interesting. But you see it's funny, isn't it? So out of necessity,

that iconic sex scene that's just silhouettes is one of one of the most memorable parts of the

film for some. Yeah, yeah. With the backdrop Venetian blind or what a sense of Venetian blind.

I don't know. I thought it was just a window and it's a bit quite tonguey, I think, isn't it?

I think it's quite tonguey, Rich. But thank you. Yeah, thanks. Steve said that there wasn't even

Kelly McGillis doing that bit because she wasn't available. But other things I've looked at say

that she was, it was her, but that it was in silhouettes to hide the fact she died her hair

in a different colour. Also, some claim that that scene was also partly created because

the producers had heard the final version of Take My Breath Away and thought that it needed

an appropriate scene to go with the music. So I don't know. I didn't have time to read up the

whole back. This stuff's really interesting, Rich. That's some. It's made me feel and it's also

it's really relaxed me as I as I stop recording this podcast and try and get the plop out of my

my Boxster, which is what I'm going to have to do. I can't leave it there, can I?

The Borscha Plopster. Just awful, awful. Okay, well, anyway, that's that's probably.

But thanks, everybody. I just want to say thanks to everybody that that listens to us and on whatever

platforms they do it and contacts us and supports us via Patreon or via merch purchasing or

live show purchasing. Because yeah, we get lots of people saying that for some reason our podcast

lifts their mood or has helped them through a difficult time. And and actually one of those

people is me in a weird way. So, you know, I don't want to get too kind of emotional about it,

but it has. So thanks, Rich, and thanks listeners. Thanks, mate. Thanks, everybody.

If you've got anything you want to say to us, hello at smithasniff.com as ever. And we'll do

this all again next week. But until then, yeah, thanks for listening. Goodbye. Thanks, everybody.

Cheers, mate. Thanks, mate. Bye.

Well, you could join our Patreon, what wonders that it brings.

Early shows and extra notes on that side of things. You could buy our merchandise with mugs

and hats, but still no ties. One day we will make those pies, but in the meantime, guys, hey guys.

Like and subscribe. And maybe leave a nice review. Like and subscribe. We know you know just

what to do. Like and subscribe. We don't want to take the piss. Like and subscribe. But we were told

to ask for this. Like and subscribe.

Like and subscribe.

Believe you, I got her and I XT30, like, look shit, yeah, but it's usually like fascinating.

I've ever been in, yeah, because on corners, like it's attached to the road with like ropes and

magnets and shit. You wouldn't believe it.

A curse upon the DVLA

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