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Did I talk too much at a fan of that?

I just let it go.

I was thinking so much.

I didn't go well.

Did I talk too much?

I was thinking so much.

I didn't go well.

Take a breath.

You're not alone.

Let's talk about what's going on.

Counseling helps you sort through the noise, with qualified professionals, and online therapy

makes it convenient.

See if it's for you.

Visit betterhelp.com slash random podcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy

and let life feel better.

I'm Jonny Smith.

I'm Richard Porter.

And this is Smith and Sniff, a podcast in which two friends talk about cars and many

other things.

Happy New Year.

Yeah.

Goodness.

26 plate.

Yes.

That's right, mate.

He's on a 26.

This one.

He's fresh.

Yeah.

And they don't do that until March, do they?

If you weren't familiar with the British registration system, you'd go, none of this makes any sense.

No.

Yeah.

What's your car then?

Is it a 2026 on a 25?

What?

No.

Logics.

It's like Audi boot lid badges that we've talked about before, that they've now got rid

of, obviously.

They're sorting that, aren't they?

Yes.

Because the Germanic logic even now goes, that was a silly idea.

Someone's left a sort of very late Christmas gift just down the road from me.

It's a completely abandoned.

It's a sad abandoned tree.

It's a sad abandoned Honda Jazz with two windows down and the cat converter stolen.

And it looks like the back corner has been clipped by a lorry.

Oh.

Yeah.

And it's just pushed to the side of the road and it's got now police tape around it.

Oh.

Yeah.

You know, when you hear those quite emotive adverts just before Christmas of like, this

Christmas, some children won't get presents and some animals won't get fed.

Yeah.

But you can change that for as little as 50 pence a week.

And you go, oh yeah, actually we are lucky.

I'm wondering whether I'm going to go down there and rescue the jazz, which is definitely

going to end up being killed.

Yeah.

I don't know whether to rescue it or not.

It's actually very close to my office.

This jazz could be doing service for someone's gran.

Yeah.

Please give generously.

That's right.

To save a jazz.

Yeah.

This January, this jazz could be relentlessly delivering desserts to stoners in the area.

Yes.

Please don't let a stoner go hungry this Christmas.

No.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, that is sad.

It's so close to where I teach my kids to drive in a field, I think it could be the

ultimate field jazz.

All I need it to do is to function.

Even if the brakes don't quite work, that's okay.

But yeah, someone's nicked the catalytic converter already.

How do you know that?

Because I could see the part of the exhaust sagging where there one was and then there's

the beginning of the rest of the exhaust.

Someone's just gone under there and sawn it.

That's a sad thing, isn't it?

Actually, because we've had a little break and I was worried we wouldn't have thought

of anything to talk about.

I was just combing through the Smith & Sniff inbox and I found a few letters, emails that

I thought we could read out.

Now, this seems pertinent in talking of sawn-off exhausts.

This was a message from a listener who asked not to be named.

Oh, okay.

Well done for reading down and checking that.

Yes, I thought I might.

I won't say the name, but there is a relevance in the exhaust being sawn off here.

This listener says, hi, gents.

I recently listened to your podcast discussing the topic of Jag Rongans and wanted to share

my experience of our local one.

While he does not fit the traditional stereotype of a Jag Rongan, he has his very own unique

MO, which I believe qualifies him for the title.

I've owned several Jags over the years, most of which have gone to good, caring homes.

That is, with the exception of one, my 2003 S-Type 3.0L V6 manual.

This car was lovely in nearly every way, super smooth, comfortable with immaculate bodywork

and full service history.

When the time came to sell, I was hopeful that it would go on to be treasured and respected

by the new owner.

Alas, this wasn't the case.

I know where this is going to end up.

Within hours of the eBay ad going live, I heard raised voices to the side of the house.

I went to investigate and found the builder who was finishing up some work on my house

in a standoff with two suspicious looking chaps.

The builder had found the visitors inspecting his power tools and assumed they were there

to steal them.

The two men explained that they'd seen my eBay ad and recognised my house in the background,

so they'd popped round for a look.

There's a red flag straight.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

I know where you live.

Man 1, who we later nicknamed the Python, as will be explained, was in his 50s, but

dressed like a 90s boy band member.

He lent on a single NHS spec crutch, wore a bright white t-shirt, ripped by design, jeans

which had something like Los Saints embroidered into Conrad.

He had bleached hair, leathery tanned skin, a small hoop gold earring, and a medium chunk

gold chain.

Picture a cross between David Dickinson and Guy Fieri.

The second chap was large, dressed all in black and looked like a bouncer that you might

see as an amusement arcade or a fun fair.

The Python explained that he'd badly damaged his leg in a motorcycle accident some years

ago so he didn't really want a manual car, but could he test drive my Jag to see how

he got on?

No, reluctantly I agreed and sat in beside him.

Off we went, windows down, arm out, Radio 1 selected and turned up close to VMAX.

Now that's just rude, surely, when you're test driving someone else's car.

It's all so pointless.

You can't hear any mechanical issues that you might pick up when you're just being a

gormless prance.

Anyway, listeners, we proceeded on a 20 minute high speed test drive, making several passes

of the local high street.

Surprisingly, his driving was remarkably good, executing clean heel and toe downshifts from

the get-go.

On returning home, he announced that he needed to siphon the Python and asked, where was the

bog?

After this was dealt with, we got down to negotiating a price.

This is where the bouncer stepped in, starting with an offer that was one third of my asking

price.

OK, get stuffed.

Just get stuffed.

It gets better because the listener says we eventually agreed on the price and the car

was paid for using 50 pound notes.

A few weeks later, while on an evening stroll, I spotted my old Jag parked up in the front

garden of a shabby looking terraced house in a neighbouring estate.

It sat alongside several other S types and two 90s XJs, all of which looked in rather

poor condition.

My old S type still looked in good order and now featured a shiny new golden leaper figurine

on the bonnet.

Later that summer, when walking along the high street, I heard what sounded like a thoroughbred

supercar or possibly a racing car approaching.

To my amazement, it wasn't a Ferrari 458 or a Pagani Zonda.

It was my S type, with the back boxes now removed, the V6 sounded incredible and the

sweet sound seemingly amplified as it reverberated off the walls of the surrounding buildings.

The Jag was being driven in a similar manner to an Aventador going around Knightsbridge,

that is, lots of full throttle first gear pulls and unnecessary revving.

Seconds to the noise of the engine was the stereo, again turned up to V-Max and playing

Flowrider, the club can't handle me.

No, no way.

At the wheel, the python, living his best life.

Windows down, arm out, wearing rainbow tint oak leaves and peacocking an oversized watch.

This is so good.

I'm also getting a slight dog the bounty hunter vibe off.

I am.

He's the British dog, isn't he?

Brit dog.

The listener concludes by saying, for the next couple of years I would occasionally see

the ever more blinged up Jag moored up in the disabled bay at the local supermarket,

or I'd hear the distant bark of its straight piped V6 being carried on the wind as it was

driven in an asbo-baiting manner around town.

It always brought a smile to my face, knowing that despite the poor taste of the new owner,

the car was still being used and enjoyed.

It sold it on for a few more years before failing its MOT and is now parked up in the

python's front garden with the rest of his collection, seemingly replaced by a ropey-looking

Chrysler 300C and a chrome-riddled oversized mobility scooter.

Now, hang on, did he say this S-type was manual?

Yes.

Can you contact him?

Because we could buy it, if nothing else, just for an organ donor.

It would be a lovely organ donor.

For what?

For a rainy day, I don't know.

They are very rare S-type manuals.

We've talked about them before.

If you like, I will email back this listener and he can sort of have some kind of, there's

this kind of circularity to just turning up outside the python's house and going, can

I buy my old Jag back?

On behalf of Johnny Smith?

Well, it has to start with, I looked at the ad which doesn't exist and I noticed your

house and I know where you live.

So I just thought, do you know, I thought he was going to do some clutch kick skids in

the test drive there because manual S-type Jags unfortunately are only really revered

by people who are looking to do engine transplants or budget skids.

I think they're going to be one of the rarest Jags very, very soon, actually.

I nearly bought one.

Instead of buying my Honda Element, I nearly bought one as a budget family car a couple

of years ago.

They were a natural rival to the Honda Element back in their time.

Not at all.

V6 manual S.

Do you know what it is?

I just wanted, I just needed a four door practical car I could do the school run in that was

budget and interesting.

I ended up, the Element is a far superior car, but I'll come on to the Element in a bit

because I need to sell the Element sadly, but I know, I know, I know.

But you know, Pokemon, you can't keep them all as they don't say.

No.

I forgot to say at the live show that we did in Bristle, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

I hope that the people who turned up enjoyed it because otherwise just simply I enjoyed

it and that's not really the way a show should be.

It's a bit selfish to say.

I enjoyed it.

I think we had to get going until I finished enjoying myself.

It was a lovely way to end the year.

It really was.

A guy came up to me afterwards wanted me to draw something, I think appalling in a book

and he said, Hey, I, I actually know no name full suspension mountain bike guy.

And I went, What?

I said, Do you live on a narrow boat?

He said, Yeah, I live on a marina in a narrow boat.

He said, But there's a new breed coming through Johnny.

And I went, What, what do you mean?

He goes that the days of no name full suspension mountain bikes are dying.

He said it's all about the de-restricted blacked out scooter, e-scooter.

He said, because you can illegally buy them to do 50 miles an hour on like six inch wheels.

And he said that like no, the no name full suspension mountain bike guy is loving them.

Can charge it up overnight using someone else's electricity and can just fly through on pathways

and through neighborhoods who said, actually, it could be the end of the era.

2026 might be the last year that you'll see a lot of no name full suspension mountain bike guys.

Who knows?

Would it be permissible or indeed encouraged to charge up your e-scooter from a hacked lamp post?

I think it would be the expected motive of the no name full suspension mountain bike guy.

I said to them, I said, but surely there's still quite a few out there.

He goes, Oh, yeah, there's still a lot out there.

There's a lot of kind of disregarded towpath bikes, you know, that get kind of used for a few days

and then laid up against a wall and you can't quite tell if someone's just put it against the wall

or they put it against them all two weeks ago or what.

So it gets left and then someone else would nick it.

Yeah, I saw exactly one of those the last time I was running down by the river and here in Bath Bath

and it was a bit like, oh, someone just abandoned that or it could just be nearby smoking a joint in a hedge.

It's hard to know really, but I went.

I suspect that if you are a really trad no name full suspension mountain bike guy,

the e-scooter is OK, but almost like it's like you've got your perfect two vehicle fleet

because the mountain bike still has its place.

Yeah, if you're the kind of person who occasionally needs to make a fast getaway,

you don't want to have to be worrying about your charge level,

or you charge running out if the getaway needs to go on for a bit longer.

No, exactly.

And you just can't beat the sheer energy of pedal power,

fuelled by some Fingers Crispy Pank, got a load of cider and just being naturally thin.

You're reliant, you see, on the big corpse who provide the electricity unless you've got your own solo,

which some narrowboat people do, but you don't want to rely on the corpse

because they're the beginning of the end.

So the fact that the loyalist of the pedal power will go,

it's a lot cheaper to go and buy a no name energy drink,

skull that like Popeye who used to just swallow a can of spinach

and then suddenly turn into the strongest person ever.

Do you remember how quickly he used to squeeze the can until there was nothing left of the can

and just gulp it down?

I reckon that he does the equivalent of that, that Popeye energy drink guy,

and then just suddenly that's it.

Popeye energy drink guy.

There was a little, when Popeye did that, wasn't there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he knocked the power into his legs, he did a left leg kick, a right leg kick,

a left arm bicep kind of curl and then a right hand and then puffed his huge chest up

and you knew the spinach had taken hold and it was all going to happen.

He was going to do some big wind milling punches and all sorts,

or throwing ships or whatever he did, I can't really remember.

Throwing ships?

Oh no, he's lobbed a trawler at me.

He was unbelievably strong.

So I think that you do that with the equivalent of the 38 pence energy drink can,

which just says energy drink on it, which I've seen, they do exist.

In fact, I bought you one for a present once and dared you to drink it.

You might still have it.

You probably still do have it, you never did drink it.

Probably should throw it away, it's got quite a short half life

and it's just going, the can's going to swell up in a really disturbing way.

Well, it'll corrode through the base of its own can, won't it?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Did I talk too much?

I can't, I just let it go.

I was thinking so much.

Take a breath, you're not alone.

Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals.

Get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs

and get help with everyday struggles like anxiety or managing tough emotions.

Visit betterhelp.com slash random podcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy

and let life feel better.

Like the blood from aliens.

So I was just looking up stuff to do with 2026

and I realized that this year will mark 10 years since the death of David Bowie

and also the deaths of Prince, Leonard Cohen and George Michael.

They all left us in 2016.

Did they?

Which means 2016 was a bastard of a year for songwriters.

We'd lost four incredible songwriting talents.

However, I realized there is some good news because in their stead

we have a new powerhouse in songwriting

and it's the ladies who pushed the drinks trolley up and down trains

on the GWR line from London to Bristol.

Right?

Because I've been on that train a couple of times recently

and on both occasions the lady pushing the trolley with the snacks and things on it

they sort of made up their own jingles and they were quite catchy.

I wrote them down but I realized I can't write music so I didn't write the melody down

but there was one of them.

She went, hot drinks, cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

Hot drinks, cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

I was like, wow, that's great.

I was trying to think of a whole production around it

and then the next time I was on that train there was a different lady

and she was going, any hot drinks or snacks?

Any hot drinks or snacks?

I was like, as you combine the two and that would be, you've got your verse and chorus I think.

It's good.

But hot drinks, cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

Hot drinks, cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

Really good.

That is brilliant.

Every time I get on that train I hope she's on again or one of them.

Maybe they have a little base at Paddington or Temple Meads.

Just have a little session.

One of them's got a little keyboard and stuff or someone's got an acoustic guitar

and they're going, OK, what are you thinking today, Liz?

What about biscuits, tea and coffee and snacks?

Let's do it again.

That's harmonised.

You have to set a challenge for them just to keep their job spicy.

So they come up with a melody and they throw it at one another like a rap throw-down.

Oh, I see, yeah.

So they turn up in the morning to start the shift and they go,

oh, I've thought of a great one for you, Mildred.

It's this one.

Now, you have to put the words to that.

You know, like Elton John and Bernie talking.

Yeah.

I always thought that was really...

Well, it does explain sacrifice, doesn't it?

It's like you start with the words and build the melody around them.

That's always going to lead to some awkwardness occasionally.

Yeah, he's talking about saccharine.

One of them's talking about emotional things

and the one's talking about sugar replacement.

And it all got...

I wonder, then perhaps the next thing for the trolley people

on Great Western Railways is to challenge each other.

I think, you know, you give each other words to work into stuff.

Oh, yeah.

You know, famously like footballers have done it in interviews.

They dare each other to get Abba Song titles in.

Yes.

So you could sort of go,

coffee, tea, biscuits, crisps and tracks.

What?

Coffee, tea, biscuits, crisps, do you want anything?

Sorry, I thought you said something else.

Nope, didn't know.

Didn't do that, but I don't know.

Anyway.

Help drinks cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

Sausage, sandwich, artisan cattle chips.

I don't think they do those.

They always seem to do a sort of annoyingly small range of things on those

since they... I miss the days of the buffet car.

Oh, tell me.

They still exist, don't they?

Buffet cars.

I don't know.

No, where there is.

Or maybe on some trains, but definitely not on GWR.

Apart from that, it was an excuse for a bit of a stroll,

but then sort of you could, depending on the layout,

because they used to have the...

I mean, they're not sort of buffet cars.

It's kind of like a cafe car.

I suppose it's a waste of space when you get more seats in there,

but equally, there's something nice about it.

They used to have them on the EuroStar.

Because I remember once getting absolutely banjoed on gin and tonic,

standing in the cafe car on the way back from Le Mans

on the EuroStar with a bunch of people,

and it made the journey go with a swing.

Hot drinks, coffee drinks, drinks.

No, just gin, please.

Just gin.

Thank you.

Hot gin.

Oh, Snoop Dogg will be proud.

That's not really a thin...

Muld gin.

Well, no, because hot gin,

but you have to mix it with hot juice.

And that's ribena usually, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Because we've got a cold, so...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure about that.

Poor old Snoop.

Just send him some tonic water.

It blows mind.

Yeah.

Did I tell you about the other week when

I almost missed my turning off the motorway

because I was chasing an interesting Saab?

Yes.

Which I thought was an AeroX,

but it wasn't, so it was a...

Well, that's...

I was going to say on our list of...

our to-do list for 2026 is our Saab,

which we are going to get going

and hoping to do some interesting things with.

And then ideally, it'll be at our live shows as well.

Yeah.

Along with...

I've got...

I've got a funny shatter there

because I was driving this morning

and I had a couple of Saab-related ideas for us,

so I'll share those with you in privacy.

Or is it privacy?

What do you say?

I say privacy.

I don't know now.

No.

Is it the Mazda privacy?

Do you remember that model?

The Mazda privacy...

What was that called?

The Premisee.

Premisee.

I think it...

I don't know now.

I think it was the Mazda...

We had this before.

Primisee.

Premisee.

Supremisee, actually.

Why is it called the Premisee?

Supremisee is...

What's that controversial word?

Yeah, they go,

Oh, what do you drive?

I drive a white Premisee.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, be careful.

Be careful.

Sorry.

You're just affectionately abbreviating the word Supremisee.

That makes it even worse.

Yeah.

One of the things that always concerns me about this,

this podcast,

is that people actually listen to what we're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This has come to pass with a listener

called Andrew,

who, um, he says that, um,

please be aware of the infectious influence

you guys have over us,

weak-willed car perverts.

Oh, no.

I had to sell my perfectly good

17-plate Lapis Blue Golf 7.5R

estate,

entirely because of your disdain

of DSG tromboning vehicles.

Oh, no.

Emitting clouds of caramel slash

cherry vape

and the twat-striving one.

I do not vape,

but I could not bear the stigma of being associated

with such pure alflutery.

I'm over 50.

There was only one option,

the very practical and quick golf had to go.

Um, okay.

Well, I mean, that's...

I feel, you know, that's...

Minor guilt?

Yeah, because if you're not vaping

and you're not driving like a tit,

then I think you're sort of...

That's still a fine car, that, isn't it, though?

It is a hell of a well-rounded machine.

I'm all right in thinking that the estate

was only available as a DSG,

whereas the other one was available

with a manual as well.

Is it one of those weird...

Maybe.

Or is that Mark 7,

and maybe they...

The 7 and a half, it all went DS,

dog shit gearbox.

I can't remember.

I think it might have done, yeah.

Weirdly, I got...

Is there any DSG now, aren't there?

Anyway, so...

That's not where this ends,

because Andrew says

he started his research to

find a replacement for the golf.

He tried the GR Yaris, but too small for him.

So then he started looking at

Audi's, BMW's and Merck's.

But he said

Audi's are eye-rotting expensive,

arguably quite ugly compared to the

Audi's of 10 to 15 years ago.

BMW's are fugly,

Merck's are just old-man cars,

in his view.

Oh, come on.

That's such an old person's

opinion on Merck's.

Although the thing is,

is Merck's are not as good

as what they were 10 years ago, so...

I think that's it, isn't it?

They've become quite fiddly,

both to look at and sometimes

to operate into interior tech.

Old people couldn't operate

on current Mercedes.

No, God, no.

They'd still be on the drive.

A large print edition of an E-Class

to be able to operate it if you're old.

But no.

Well, you'll like what's coming next,

Johnny, I think particularly because

Andrew says

you guys have often praised

the Alpha Giulia Quadrifoglio

on the podcast.

Oh, goodness.

Future Classic, et cetera, et cetera.

So, with your help and the assistance

of some of your YouTube co-conspirators,

now, he's named the other people

he wants to blame, so I feel like the blame is shared here.

Harry Metcalf, Plato and Tiff, Chris,

Harris, Lord Clarkson, and a few more.

Well,

he booked a test drive

and he says, I knew immediately I had to have one.

Yes.

But not the car that he test-drive

because the service history was dodgy.

So, he started searching

and after a couple of weeks

found the car of his dreams,

did the deal and arranged a date

to collect my red

bracket.

Sorry, Johnny,

Alfa Romeo, Giulia Quadrifoglio,

full leather, five-hole wheels.

Oh, I know the ones, yeah,

the sort of cloverleaf type things.

Yeah.

What a car.

Wow, what a choice.

He says,

I must admit there was a bit of deception needed

to get the Alpha approved by my wife.

She's never liked the Golf,

so I suggested that I sell it

and buy a practical four-door family saloon

and get a tow bar fitted to her Kia

and then buy a small car trailer.

She thought about it for a moment

and replied,

what a good idea, fully on board.

Great.

After collecting the car,

I took her out for a drive.

Very quickly,

she realized all was not what it seems.

After a bit of frantic googling,

she said,

does your car have a Ferrari engine?

Yes, I replied.

I got the stare

and then a slight smile.

Oh, yes.

The smile was all I needed to know.

I'd got away with it.

I've had the car for three months

and I'm still reaching new levels

of driving pleasure every time I take it out.

Thank you both for your excellent

and honest car-related consumer advice

and for the joy you bring us like-minded,

slightly weird car enthusiasts.

I am so pleased to hear that.

Oh, thank you, Andrew,

for actually listening to us.

I was going to say,

I hope that works out for you.

Andrew, I'm really pleased

because I'm sort of living through you

in that I do believe the things

that I say about cars.

I don't just spout bobbins.

But at the same time,

typically for a journalist,

I do have quite strong opinions

in certain areas.

And I do think that that car

is so much cooler

than any BMW product on sale right now.

And probably a Mercedes product,

which is some going,

but it's such a cool car

in terms of looks.

It makes you feel special.

It's got something about it.

It's got some really good driving dynamics.

And yes, you can just use it

as a family car if you wish.

So well, bloody done.

Don't get me wrong,

the Golf R, as we've said,

is a very, very fast capable thing.

But it's just, unfortunately...

No, I know this.

It's sort of slightly overdone.

Sometimes it's in car circles

talking about soul

and personality and character.

Massively.

The Golf.

The Alpha does have more personality

than the Golf.

Even though the Golf is very good.

Yeah, and the Golf

will be quicker point to point,

but it's not about how quick you do things.

It's not always about that,

not in the real world on real roads.

Absolutely not.

Funny enough, Andrew is the second person

in the past two or three weeks

that I've heard about getting a Julia

because a mate of mine

suddenly unexpectedly

chopped in a brand new car

that he bought last year

and he said,

I've turned into two cars.

Guess what they are?

I guess the first one,

which is my daily driver.

And knowing he's a weakness for an Alpha,

I was a bit like,

is it not Julia Quadrifoglio?

And he's like,

yeah, it is actually so.

Really?

Again, I got quite jealous of this.

I'm getting massive FOMO here

because I just want a green one.

Yeah.

It has to be green for me.

Don't get me wrong.

I know red works with it.

Of course it does.

It's an Alpha,

but I just,

they're so,

they're so attractive.

They're so attractive.

You know what I mean?

I'm gritting my teeth

because you know,

sometimes I do this.

I'm sure I can't be the only human that does it.

When I stroke my cat,

when my cat is really affectionate

and I go in really hard

and I sometimes sing to it

as I might have admitted before,

I grit my teeth sometimes.

You know, it's that,

I love you so much.

I'm going,

I almost want to bite you

and chew you.

This is, I think,

a documented psychological phenomenon

of finding something sort of so cute

or sweet

that you almost want to hurt it.

Yes.

I've read about this.

Yes.

You almost want to,

exactly.

It's totally that.

I wonder if it's,

it's a cousin of that thing

where you're sort of

walking across a bridge

across a big river

and in your head you're going,

don't throw your phone in the river.

Don't throw your phone in the river.

And it's like,

Yeah, it's like,

but you could.

But you could.

But just remember not to do it,

but God, you could do it.

Couldn't you?

Wouldn't that be really annoying

if you just threw your phone,

threw your keys in the river as well.

Throw them all in the river.

Go on, just do it.

But don't do it,

because that would be silly.

Yeah.

Don't do that,

because it'll,

it'll just cause you.

I do that when I'm on the sea

in a boat.

Oh, God, yes.

Always.

On a river in a boat.

I just look down.

I'm not,

not just the sea,

the river at the bottom of my gun.

And I just go,

God,

I could really like

causing convenience for myself

if I was to just throw

my coat,

which has

Yeah.

My wallet,

my cards,

my house keys,

my car key.

I wonder if anyone has acted

on that kind of impulse,

or if it is really one of those

things that you,

you know,

you're sort of,

the mind is able to check itself

before it all gets a bit out of hand.

I don't know if you,

if you have ever inexplicably

thrown phone keys

or an item of clothing

off a boat

or a bridge.

Item of clothing.

Hello at smithisf.com.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

I really would.

Now Andrew

didn't just tell us about

his excellent alpha purchase.

while he was messaging,

he also contributed

to our trove

of dogging stories.

Oh,

right.

So I'll read out

since I've got his email.

Are we now referring to it

as a trove?

I just want to use the word trove.

It's a great one.

It doesn't get an airing

very much.

And I like it.

Yeah.

So Andrew says,

my friend Stephen

got more than he bargained for

when he stopped for his lunch

in a lay-by.

He's a social worker

and visits clients

at their home.

So he drives a fair bit

and often stops in lay-bys

to eat his lunchtime sandwiches.

On this dry

and sunny summer's day,

Stephen pulled into a lay-by

right next to the road.

No tree

or hedge cover at all.

He parked up,

opened his lunchbox

and noticed

a black Mercedes

pull-up just in front of him.

The driver emerged

from the car

wearing high heels,

black stockings

and suspender belt

with red pants.

What?

He walked around

and opened

the merc's boot,

then bent forwards into the boot,

exposing his junk to Stephen.

What?

Stephen dropped his sandwich,

started his car

and left as quickly as he could.

That's, I mean,

that's forward.

That's very, very forward.

Very brazen,

but it goes on because

Stephen was still hungry.

He didn't know the area well,

but assumed there must be

another lay-by

a few miles up the road.

Sure enough,

a few miles up the road,

he noticed a lay-by

and pulled in,

taking no notice

of the high hedge

which shielded the view

from the road.

He had no idea

that this was

a renowned

dogging hotspot.

Oh.

As soon as Stephen

opened his lunchbox,

the black merc

pulled in front of him again.

The driver jumped out

of his car

and straight into

another car

parked in front.

What?

Stephen then noticed

many used

contraceptive devices

that had been

discarded in the hedge.

Suddenly,

he was no longer hungry

and quickly drove away.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, first thing,

look,

if you want to have

like public place sex,

that's one thing.

But take your litter

home with you

because dropping litter

is just the lowest

of the low

and fly-tipping sex

material,

no.

Just simply

no, please.

Okay?

Can we just

stop doing it?

Thank you.

That was my sensible

start of 2026

message to the people.

Well,

we're here now,

so I was going to say,

I have another dogging message

that I've been meaning to read out

because it comes from Matt Pryor,

the co-host

of the Auto Car,

My Weaking Cars podcast.

I think probably

my personal favorite

of all the car podcasts

out there.

That many people will know,

he does with

Steve Cropley,

also from Auto Car.

And

Very good.

Matt has written to us

and said,

I'm not sure

whether you're

still interested in

dogging stories.

Yes.

Unless Cropley mentions

the subject in his column,

which seems unlikely,

I don't think I'll have cause

to bring up this

a dogging adjacent tale

on the Auto Car podcast.

It's quite long.

In 1998,

I didn't need a sensible car,

so I took out a graduate loan

and bought a cheap Westfield,

1700cc,

Crossflow,

four-speed box,

live axle.

Excellent details.

One weekend,

I was driving it

from my house share

in Hertfordshire

to my folks' place

in Hampshire.

While on the M25,

it started raining,

so I decided to stop

when I got to the A3

to put up the hood.

Fortunately there was

and still is a car park

just off the M25,

off the A3 slip road.

I pulled into this

leafy, secluded car park

and set about putting up the hood.

Also there was a recent

white Ford Mondeo wagon,

and even in the gloom,

I could see two

young-to-middle-aged blokes

inside it.

They looked at me.

I looked at them.

I don't know

if we acknowledged each other

or not.

I was used to people

giving waves

or thumbs up to a Westfield,

so it wouldn't have been unusual.

Then they moved the car

across the car park,

but still parked it facing me.

This was, I thought,

a bit weird.

The fact that it was

27 years ago,

but I still remember

what happened next,

shows vividly how alarming

I found it at the time.

With the roof now up,

I headed back towards the A3.

The Mondeo pulled out

directly behind me

as I left.

Then it followed me closely,

tracking my every move.

Every lane change,

every speed change

in full view of my mirrors.

It just sat there,

quite close,

very obviously following me.

Oh, gosh.

I couldn't work out

what was going on.

I was in my early 20s,

had a pretty quiet upbringing,

with no mobile phones,

and only recently the internet.

So I was naive,

stupid, and guessing.

Were they plain-closed coppers?

Possible, but I thought unlikely.

Did they think I'd caught them

in the middle of something

highly illegal,

a drugs or gun sale or something?

Were they dangerous and out to off me

so I didn't grasp them up?

Much more lightly, I assumed.

It didn't once occur to me

that they might have thought

I had given them a sly come on,

and was leading them

in some elaborate foreplay,

ending up in a deserted

Forestry Commission car park,

where we'd slip into something

more comfortable,

like each other.

The non-chase continued down

the A3 for perhaps half an hour,

with me stewing worriedly

until hind head,

brackets pre-bypass.

Good detail.

Where I hoped to shake them off

by darting into the petrol station.

Brackets jet, I think.

Excellent detail.

At the last second,

having given no indication.

Alas, not last second enough.

They pulled in too.

It was reasonably busy,

and they pulled up to a pump opposite me,

but then the passenger got out

and walked over to me.

Do you mind if we pull up behind you?

The fuel flap is on this side of the car,

he said.

Sure, I replied.

Too scared to just ask if they were following me.

I was still wondering if I was just paranoid,

but mostly it was just weird.

I suppose I could have parked up

and had a cup of tea or something

and hoped they fucked off,

but as I say,

I was unreasonably worried

and just wanted to put as much distance

as possible between us.

That they were waiting for me to finish fueling

meant they could have followed me easily

if I paid first,

then moved the car afterwards.

So after I'd filled my car,

I lent in and rolled it forward

to give them room to get to the pump.

If they didn't pull forward,

I definitely know I was being followed,

and if they did start fueling,

I might get a chance to pay

and get back in the car before they'd finished

and fuck right off.

This worked.

They pulled forward and began fueling

while I paid,

and although the passenger came in to pay

while the driver was still filling,

there were a couple of people

between us in the queue.

So as calmly as I could,

I paid,

walked back to my car,

quickly climbed in

and rapidly sped off

before they could do the same.

I hoped they wouldn't see

which way I'd gone

at the Heinthead Crossroads.

Then I put my foot down

as hard as I dared

in a car whose roof

was held on with prestuds and hope,

and just kept going at high speed.

It did the trick

and I didn't see them again.

When I got home,

I told my parents and my mates this story.

People who shared my confusion and concern

and maybe were living sheltered lives

because nobody wondered

if they'd just fancied a notch.

Anyway,

if among your listeners

are either of those Mondeo lads,

I'm sorry you had a frustrating start

to your Friday evening.

But also, what the fuck?

You could have just asked.

Oh my gosh.

Well, the best, Matt.

Thanks, Matt.

Well, there we go.

Thank you, Matt.

That's weird, I think.

That's very, quite scary.

Yeah, I'm going to say that's quite weird.

I'm going to say that's weird.

I was going to...

I've been trying to look at statistics

of last year's car sales.

Okay.

And I wanted to...

I was trying to find out

what was the worst selling model

or slowest selling model.

And I can't find any accurate statistics

for the models.

But in terms of manufacturers,

some of them are consistently low.

I mean, you've got to give

the credit where due to DS.

They sold 1120 cars in 2024.

How many have they sold in 2025?

Well, at the time.

Go on.

A thousand and three.

So consistently about a thousand cars a year.

So think of that investment

in an entirely new company.

But in the UK,

we're talking about in the UK here, right?

Chevrolet in 2024 sold a car.

What?

They sold one car in the UK,

according to the SWMT.

I want to know what car it was.

I'm guessing it's a Corvette?

Or is it a Camel?

Yes, or is Corvette sort of listed

as a separate brand now?

Yeah, that's it.

Let me just check.

I can't see it.

Yeah, you're right.

What else would it be?

Because I don't think

this is a special order.

Hang on.

Surely, I suppose it has to be

because would only a car

that's officially sold here,

which the Corvette is,

get registered by the SWMT

because everything else

if it's an import.

That's right.

Duck it.

Yeah, it wouldn't be legal

tender on these stats.

I guess that must be a Corvette.

But who was the person

in 2024 in the United Kingdom

that bought the Corvette?

I would love to know

who that was.

I think they have a press

demonstrator, so maybe it was

just that.

It's impossible that they've

actually sold zero cars

to pundits.

I think I saw one for sale

somewhere, or possibly on

Pistonhead.

It's not that long ago,

like maybe a couple of weeks

ago.

I really need to drive a C8.

I'm very curious about it.

It's meant to be really good.

Yeah.

What, the C7 was really good?

And it's totally good at least.

Geoffrey Bovington,

who is a proper tillerman.

Yes.

Has always said it's dead good

and he knows what he's talking

about.

So, I mean, it's just a shame

it just looks so...

Yeah.

I don't like its mid-engine-ness.

It just doesn't feel right to me.

And we have talked about this,

but you know what?

Other people disagree.

Because in 2025,

when these stats were taken,

they'd sold 84 Chevrolets

in the UK.

Oh!

Oh, well, there you go.

Now, it's funny, because I am

actually...

I'm in the Pistonhead's

classifieds, and in fact,

there's quite a few C8s here.

Yeah.

Well, so there we go.

There's 84 officially sold in

the UK.

And you know what?

Hand-clapped to Chevrolet

for bothering to sell

right-hand drive C8s.

I'm really...

Yeah.

I'm really pleased

that you do.

There's one here in a very sort

of deep red,

a sort of burgundy,

as Americans might say,

with gold wheels and a black roof.

And it actually looks about as good

as I've ever seen one of these

cars look.

Oh, that's cool.

Hmm.

I mean, it's still not...

Because I thought the C7

was a nice-looking car,

as these things go.

Me too.

I've always liked the C8.

It just looks like

a sort of poor rendering

from a cheap computer game.

I think that's its problem.

It might be a better car

in every metric,

but it's like,

does it have that distinctive look,

which Corvette's always do,

because they've got the

acreage of bonnet

and the four oval

or circular tail lights.

And I just...

It's very, very iconic.

I always let down by the interior

up until I think the C7.

But...

Yes.

I've got a thing.

I know I've done a couple of

Barn Finds C...

I've done a C4 Corvette

Barn Finds ZR1 or ZR1.

I can't stop thinking about C4s.

I was just about to say.

I just can't stop thinking about them.

I think I would...

There is a part of me

that would just like to go all in

on my face out of A-team fantasies

and get a C4.

Drive it around for a week,

realise it's dog shit,

sell it,

but then at least I've taken care of that.

I feel like...

I don't know,

maybe what if it's not dog shit, though?

Well, I mean, if we got a ZR1,

the six-speed, 200-mile-hour car,

I think you wouldn't be disappointed,

but I think a well-sorted one

is a fine, fine thing.

It's just bizarre.

Well, in Germany, they dig them.

Whenever I go to Germany,

I see a Corvette.

It's very odd.

But there's that sort of

Hasselhoff factor there, isn't there?

Germans like cheesy American things.

That's true.

I forgot about the Hasselhoff factor.

Hey, so continuing stats,

I won't go on and on about it.

I'm just picking the low-hanging fruit.

In Ios, in 2024,

they sold 333 grenades.

Right.

How many have they sold in 2025?

They...

I'm going to say 352.

Oh, 253.

Nearly.

No.

Yeah, 253.

Wow, that's not good.

I mean, not a lot of cars.

I was told on the QT

by an Ineos dealer last year

or maybe even the year before

that if you wanted a grenadine

right now,

there were bloody fields full of them.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that was probably...

God, that was actually probably about 18 months ago, maybe.

Sure.

And then I think they had that problem,

that the Recaro went bust.

Recaro made the seats for the grenade.

Oh.

So they had to pause production,

but that was actually no great hardship

since it gave them a chance

to try and clear out the fields a little bit.

Oh, gosh.

I don't know.

I wonder how that car's doing elsewhere, though,

because I was surprised last Easter

when I was in California

to see there was a really quite big

and swishy Ineos dealership

in Pasadena, in California.

Oh, really?

Which is quite a well-to-do neighbourhood.

I'm wondering if well-to-do Americans

in places like Pasadena

have shown much interest in that car.

I don't know.

So look at the stats.

I do wonder whether or not...

The Jimny body modification

tuner people in Japan,

where they've turned Jimny's into, like,

Lancia Delta and Renault 5 turbo

lookalikes and strange stuff.

And miniature G-Wagons, of course.

I do wonder whether, like,

you could take an Ineos

and clad it in a slightly more interesting way.

Because I do like it.

I enjoy driving that car.

But the design's just a bit...

There's a bit of it that really annoys me,

and it's cribbed directly

off the old Defender, like mine.

And it annoys me on the Defender.

The top of the windscreen

is higher than the top line

of the side window glass.

Yes.

And there's probably some cock-eyed

1950s reason why the Defender

ended up like that.

But there is no excuse for a brand-new car

from scratch to be like that,

because it's not because it's boxy.

No.

Because the Mercedes G-Wagon does not have that.

Or everything lines up on a G-Wagon.

So you can achieve that look

without having to do that.

They've just cribbed the Defender too much there.

Yeah.

And they could have thought harder about it.

And it bugs the shite out of me.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm slightly distracted,

because I've just found a bright red Corvette C4 LT1

manual for sale in the UK.

It's £14,000.

It looks frigging fantastic.

It's red.

I know you're not such a fan of red cars,

but this, a red C4 convertible

on those are some really good wheels.

That is a hands-on machine.

The wheels are amazing.

The wheels are up there with Lotus Eclat rims for me.

They're just some of the, you know,

like Rolling Stone Top 100 best bands ever.

That are my, for me, rim,

like all-time, all-time tasteful rimmage.

Lotus Eclats there, C4,

VET.

There were those sort of like turbo vane-style ones

that Renault did.

Oh, there's some really good ones

which just stand to the test of time.

Volvo 850 T5R.

Wow, what a rim.

Have a look at that picture of the red VET.

That looks really good actually.

So good.

It looks really good.

It's a well-proportioned car.

It's a nice-looking car.

There's no caveat there.

No asterisks.

No.

It's just a nice-looking car.

Damn right.

Particularly if you're of a certain age

and you grew up seeing these on telly.

Yeah.

It is good.

It's, the only thing I can't work out

is that one of the pictures of the interior,

inexplicably there seems to be some foliage in it

and I can't work out what they're trying to show.

It just looks like, is it a reflection?

Maybe it's a reflection on glass,

but it just looks like there's a plant growing out of the interior

which is no good.

That's not cool, is it?

Anyway.

Enough.

Do you know how many Maserati's they sold?

Oh jeez.

How did they sell more this year?

Or Maserati's?

Did they sell more this year in the UK than last year?

When I say this year.

Oh it's playing your cars right now.

Yeah.

When I say this year, I mean 2025.

Okay.

So did Maserati sell more cars in the UK in 2025

than in 2024?

Yes.

I'm going to say no.

You're absolutely right.

They sold 441 in 2024

and in 2025 according to SWMT, 320.

Oh.

That is such a low amount of cars

for an entire brand network.

Wow.

Isn't it?

Bunkers.

That is, yeah.

It is bunkers.

It's pretty bad.

Yeah, it does require.

Oh, talking of and the letter from the DSG Golf R guy.

Oh yes.

I actually got quite brutally cut up

and then I had soot kind of fired at me

from a, it was a Golf R Mark 7

that was heavily modified the other day.

I was in my little insight.

Heading towards Bristol, actually.

And the whole back of this Golf

was covered in, I guess, soot and overfuelling matter.

Oh yeah, I don't know.

But the 4D plate actually said DSG on it.

Oh.

It actually had DSG, something, something, something on it.

Do you think that was deliberate?

I think it was definitely deliberate.

And then as soon as the lights went to amber,

it went pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa.

And it just sounded awful.

It just sounded like a really, you know,

it just sounded like a guff down an alpine horn.

It was just awful.

Just sorry, not cool.

And he put different pipes on the back end,

but it just sounded shite.

Sorry about that.

Not sorry though.

Subaru 2,248 cars in 2024,

1,994 cars in the UK.

So Americans and Canadians and Australians

that listen to this and go,

ah, you know,

Subarus are a big deal with you guys in the UK.

Subarus, unfortunately,

they just don't get much of a look in.

That's 2,000 old money people in the UK

that are propping that current business model up.

Yeah.

Aren't they?

Yeah.

Because I just looked this up.

I don't think it seems to have any data for December,

but in November 2025,

Subaru sold just over 52,000 cars in the US.

That's just in November alone.

Oh my gosh.

And they did what in this country?

They did 1,994 cars in a year.

That's in the US,

Subaru would sell that many cars in a day.

Yeah, probably less than a day.

As a percentage market share,

according to this WMT,

Subaru has a 0.11% market share.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's sad, isn't it, really?

Subaru, on those companies,

I want them to exist.

I want them to be happy and healthy

and doing well.

Not everything they do is a home run,

but they've made many things that we love.

And every so often, they still do.

That outback that you came to mine

and then left here for a bit.

Really enjoyed that.

It was a really pleasant car.

It was.

Yeah.

So I want Subaru to be okay,

but I suppose as long as Americans and Canadians

and other people are buying their cars,

then the onus isn't on us to pull our weight.

No.

But I still like to see them do well,

because I think they're nice.

Can we have a bit of hooliganism, though,

back from Scooby?

I'd love a bit of very Japanese hooliganism.

I think that's what it needs to inject itself.

And actually, I'm doing that thing,

because my Matarancho project is Subaru-based.

I'm now really becoming a bit of a retro Subaru fanboy,

because I can't wait to own a boxer engine turbo.

I just can't wait for it.

It's being rebuilt right now, that engine.

I've just been specking it.

And it's just exciting,

because I still think it's one of the coolest engines.

It's one of the coolest drivetrains

of a everyday usable car, isn't it?

I know.

Simply so usable, resilient.

Over the Christmas period,

for no explicable reason,

I suddenly found myself browsing in Pretz RB5s,

because they were the first in Pretz a Turbo I ever drove.

And in a weird way,

I don't think anything ever quite matched up to it again,

because it was so good with the ProDrive pack on it, particularly.

It was just so good.

It was one of those cars where you'd heard so much hype about them.

Oh, they're great.

And then as she drove on, I went,

oh, this didn't disappoint at all.

It was fabulous.

It's just bloody good.

And that's a hell of a first Subaru to drive.

Yeah, and I was what, 23, 24, and I was so obsessed with it.

I actually looked at it,

because it weren't sort of stupid money,

and I looked at it,

or maybe I could get a bank loan and buy one,

but then I looked at how much it would cost me to ensure it

as a young man living in quite central Birmingham.

And it was so many thousands of pounds,

it would have just been impossible to do.

So that put me off, and I was just like,

but RB5s are not idiotic money.

No, the Subaru pervs listen to this will give me the gen on it,

but they're not as collectible as the P1s,

and definitely not as the...

No.

What's the other one, the mental money one?

22B is the other sort of really silly money one,

but I just feel like actually as a usable, nice car

to give you what you want from an impressive turbo,

which is one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one,

and you know, all of that nice,

dancy, grippy sort of,

and that really mechanical gear change and everything about it.

Oh man, I have to.

You get the good stuff from an RB5,

and you can have one for 15 grand, seemingly.

Damn, maybe that's a Smith and Sniff sensible tour car

for the future.

Can you imagine?

Oh.

If we just went, yeah, the Smith and Sniff company car

is now an Impressor RB5.

We would be able to agree who'd keep it though,

because it would be like...

No.

We're more the old three-litre quad cam legacy people,

because that's like engine complexity gone mad,

and it doesn't matter how you drive it,

it's 11 to the gallon and one engine.

I mean, let's be honest,

if we were going all in on a stupid Subaru,

I think we'd have to go SVX or go home.

Yeah.

Well, I had that opportunity to buy that blimmin'.

Oh yes.

That XT.

And it was really nice.

I do think about it a lot.

Honestly, the gear, the manual gear lever,

it was just a helicopter joystick.

It was so air-wolf the whole interior of that car.

It was bloody brilliant.

And yet again, the values live in the shadows of Impressors,

because it doesn't have the...

It doesn't have that draw of rally motorsports...

...out our way.

Well, like stage rallies and all that.

You know what I mean?

Like down with the loose stuff and the mud and the trees.

You know?

Anyway, on that Westfall Subaru browsing notes,

it's probably time to pull this into the bank before we go.

Johnny Sincason, a slightly strange project,

who forced the former lead singer of Marillion

to live and work only in a small area of Islington in North London,

just around the Tube station, under the working title Angel Fish.

If that's not to your taste, then there is, of course,

the late break show.

Excellent.

So stupid.

It's so stupid.

I thought I was like,

oh, I should just definitely stop this in the new year.

And there I am.

I can't help myself.

Maybe that should be the last one.

Anyway, well, the second thing I should say

is that we have live shows coming up.

Go to smithasniff.com and follow the tab for live shows

to get more details and a link to buy tickets.

And the third thing,

I was looking up anniversaries of things that will happen in 2026.

50 years since the first commercial supersonic flight.

Really?

Which was obviously Concorde.

Strangely, it wasn't from London to New York,

which was what Concorde did most.

It was from Heathrow to Bahrain.

OK.

It's also 100 years since the first two-way transatlantic phone call.

150 years since the first telephone call, full stop.

And it's 100 years since Winnie the Pooh was first published in book form.

I don't like Winnie the Pooh.

It's not a conversation for now.

You don't like Winnie the Pooh?

No, he just came across as just being annoyingly slow.

No.

I mean, no.

He is sort of the straight man in a quite amusing universe

because, you know, you've got Tigger in E.R. and all that lot

and the owl and they're just...

Yes.

None of them have got enough about them for me.

I couldn't get through a Winnie the Pooh book.

What?

No, I never finished a Winnie the Pooh book.

Tigger?

No.

I mean, Tigger is potentially quite annoying, but...

Quite annoying?

I just...

Yeah.

Tigger's just swiggy.

Who's funny?

Is he the...

Christopher Robin, these are the wrong sort of bees.

Maybe I'll give it a shot when I...

When I turn 47.

I'd love it if you became like a massive Winnie the Pooh enthusiast

all of a sudden, I've had this guy all wrong.

Hi.

Yeah.

What do you do?

I'm watching, like, really gritty, old episodes of Cracker.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, that was a classic.

I'm reading Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just setting it down to another A.A. Milne classic tonight.

Read it five times already, but it's just that good.

Yeah.

All right, well, that's enough of all this,

but we'll be back again on Friday with an Autosot

and Monday with a regular show.

Until then, goodbye.

Thanks, everybody.

Bye, please.

So you've enjoyed this podcast, but you've had her thoughts.

Is there a way here today that you could show support?

Well, you could join our Patreon.

What wonders that it brings?

Early shows and extra notes on that side of things.

You could buy our merchandise.

We've mugs and hats, but still no ties.

One day we will make those pies.

But in the meantime, guys, hey, guys.

Like and subscribe.

And maybe leave a nice review.

Like and subscribe.

We know you know just what to do.

Like and subscribe.

We don't want to take the piss.

Like and subscribe.

But we were told to ask for this.

Like and subscribe.

Hot drinks, cold drinks, coffee, tea, snacks.

Don't throw your phone in the river

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