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I'm Johnny Smith.

I'm your reporter.

And this is Smith & Sniff, a podcast on which two friends talk about cars and many other things.

Welcome to a slightly different Smith & Sniff, but not pedestrianised version.

Not so different because we did this last year, didn't we?

At the same time, there's the gap between Christmas and New Year,

the Meroneum as some people call it.

We walk to the pub in Bath Bath.

Well, guess what we're doing now?

We're having a little stroll down to the boozer.

And we thought we'd record a little bit of podcast while we're doing it.

And then we'll probably record some on the way back and we'll see how that goes.

That's what we did last time.

Yeah, it was unexpectedly usable.

So we're giving it another shot.

We were just talking before we started about Snoop Dogg and 90s West Coast rap music.

But Snoop, particularly, and his insistence on mixing gin with juice.

Yes.

And whether someone needed to have a word with him and introduce him to the idea of tonic water.

Well, most people book in the day.

They get up in the morning and they have an orange juice and apple juice, a cranberry, let's say.

And then at the end of the day to reward themselves for the graft or whatever,

they go, I'm going to have some gin with something now.

Snoop Dogg just fast tracks all of that, doesn't he?

He just puts them in together.

Gin and Juice and Corn Flakes was the original title of that track.

That's right.

Yeah, and also Spag Bowl because he's having dinner and breakfast at the same time.

Can you imagine having a heavy gin with spaghetti bolognese?

Mind you, Snoop famously loves smoking marijuana.

And so he probably would have Corn Flakes and Spag Bowl and Gin and Juice all in the same bowl of an evening

because he's so fantastically baked that he's just really hungry.

He must have a serious metabolism though because he's still extremely scrawny.

He's really thin, isn't he?

Oh, we're walking past an Alhambra.

Say it, Alhambra.

A big shout out to the Trad MPV.

It's a TDI.

I had to double check that it wasn't a V6.

Yeah.

It's nice to see them still in circulation, though.

You know, it's like, I feel like they're like old coins that are gradually being removed from circulation.

Wow, look at that.

It gives nobody really wants so many more.

It's celebrating the marriage of Charles and Diana.

That's a real curio these days, but that's like seeing a say at Alhambra on the street.

We're not actually not too far from where I mentioned in the podcast of the day,

where I saw a Ford Galaxy diesel being pinned from the cold but stationary in a really horrible,

just the noise.

I think we talked about this.

Look at that.

We've got double jazz action here.

Double Mark I jazz.

One of them is hideously paneled down.

Oh, that's an incredible...

Bloody hell, what's happened to that?

It's been...

It's properly rippled, isn't it?

Everyone's really scored it.

They've scored it something.

Down the side of something.

Ironically, the really tidy one is three years younger than the incredibly scuffed one.

Oh, yeah.

But they're both silver as well.

Do you think they bought the older one as a parts cut off?

No, I know what it is.

It's when farmers get a sheepdog before the older sheepdog dies.

Yes.

So it can teach the new one the tricks of the trade before passing away.

I think that's what's happening to this jazz.

But the newer one is all dented.

They've bought a duff puppy in that case.

That's no good, surely.

It might be a friend of the families and they might have found out that it had a fresh dealer supplied crate engine.

I mean, that's assuming that a Honda engine's ever gone pop.

I was talking to someone about...

Well, they brought it up.

They said my grandmother's car the other day.

Yeah.

And it was a jazz.

I've realised I really like jazz.

I know.

I do as well.

Those in Bentley Continental GTs, I don't know why.

I'm getting older and more attracted to them both.

Well, you know.

But with age comes wisdom, right?

They suddenly go, yeah, they're both good, aren't they?

It's actually a really good two car garage.

I was thinking about it.

What, a jazz for popping in sound?

I'd have a yellow jazz.

OK.

And then I'd have a very green Bentley Conti GT.

How are you defining very green?

Not too dark and kind of moody forest.

Lighter than that.

But not kind of viper green Porsche.

Not your sort of Chartreuse type of Porsche colour.

Yeah.

So something in the middle.

But because I'm colour blind, that's as far as you're going to get with me.

So...

Yeah, this colour, sir, we call it, I believe it's green.

It's named our colour blind.

Simply class green.

It's green.

Just take our word for it.

We drove past up the hill from here today.

A house with a first generation Continental GTC on the drive in dark blue.

Right.

But it didn't actually fit on the drive.

It had a very stubby driveway.

And so the nose of the Bentley was poking out slightly onto the pavement.

Yeah.

And there was something very jangly about it.

Like, I've made a few quid.

Gonna get a bloody Bentley.

But it doesn't fit on the drive, Stephen.

It's gonna fit on the drive.

It will.

It's the last thing I do.

Yeah.

And it's just like...

I don't know.

Well, I suppose the trouble is because otherwise it's parked it on the street

and then you're gonna worry that your Bentley's going to get deemed up.

He's just showing everyone that he's got a Bentley chin.

Awesome.

Because his chin is chining out onto the path.

Chinning out onto the path.

Because crucially, this GTC was reversed onto this drive.

Yes.

So it's almost like, look at my grille.

Yeah.

Look at my grille.

Look at my headlights.

This isn't...

Hang on.

There's been your nemesis for years.

No, but it sounds similar.

Let's just quick...

Hang on.

No.

No, not loud enough.

He's on Bluetooth hands-free to somebody.

Yeah.

But no, not loud enough.

I'm telling you, you'd know if it was...

You're here.

That's a four-stroke, though.

I think your nemesis is two-stroke, by the way.

No.

Because I...

No.

I don't know if I've updated you on the late...

The nemesis has clearly had a shift change at work.

Yeah.

Because it's 730 now, which is fine.

Because I'm usually awake by then anyway.

Yeah.

But I tell you what, respect some of my nemesis.

Because he is a sharp timekeeper.

Really?

You can...

It's your new alarm clock.

You can almost...

No, well, I've usually up a little before that, because the kids are, but...

No, you could set your watch by him.

So now I'm up, and I hear this.

Even if I'm at the back of the house, you can hear it go by.

But I know, without looking at the clock, that it's 730.

And I swear to God, it's always within a couple of minutes either side.

Usually early.

That's brilliant.

He's a very, very good and conscientious timekeeper.

I almost now want to stop him.

Not to tell him to stop riding past my frigging house on his noisy bike.

But just to say to him, where do you work?

And can I recommend you for a promotion or a pay rise?

Because I think your timekeeping is exemplary.

And I respect that.

But then he'd probably go, oh, thanks, I'll be great.

I'll get a promotion.

But I'll remind you, if I get a promotion, I'll have to start at work at 635.

So I'm going to have to be riding past here at 630 again.

And I'll go, deal's off.

But also, he gets a promo and he abandons the bike.

Well...

He gets on the jazzy.

No, he never knows.

No, it's such a promotion that he actually buys a Porsche Carrera GT.

But he leaves it in first for the first couple of miles.

Oh, gosh.

Actually, at what point would the novelty of being woken by a Porsche Carrera GT

at 630 in the morning wear off?

I don't know.

I don't really want to get woken up by any car.

And I'm massively interested in cars, as you know.

I still don't want to be particularly woken up.

I think I used to be the person that would wake people

when I lived at home with my Beetle and...

I was going to say, what's the noisiest car you've ever owned?

That I've ever owned?

Yeah.

I mean, Beetle's allowed even when they've got standard exhausts.

Are they?

Yeah, they are, because they're very spluttery.

Oh.

They're very spluttery and cold idle there.

Is this where the Germanic reputation for efficiency

and industrial growth comes from, is in fact that

during the 50s, 60s and into the 80s,

everyone in Germany was just woken up early by a Beetle.

I bet it was.

I thought, well, I might as well go to work now.

Or Trabantz on the other side.

Oh, yes.

Yes, what used to be known as West Germany, it was Beetles.

And then across the Iron Curtain, it was West Germany.

It could be, couldn't it?

You've got to be thinking about rubbish motorbikes.

You know, in a few episodes back,

I was talking about having this fetish for a Honda Goldwing

flat six.

Oh, yes.

And we had a couple of people message to say that there's

people putting flat six Honda Goldwing motors in cars already.

And there's a guy in New Zealand, I think,

that's put one in a Hillman Imp.

And I am so desperate.

Oh, my God.

I am so envious.

I just want to hear it.

And I want to drive it.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I think it could be just the most beautiful thing.

But that could be mega.

Because it's quite light, isn't it?

And could be set up to properly corner.

And the flat six is obviously a very low light engine

for a motorcycle.

So it could be the best combo of all time.

As a Formula One engineer might say,

I wonder what the weight delta between an Imp

and a Goldwing is.

I bet it's not very big.

I bet it's not, am I?

It's probably like seven kilos or something

in the Imp's favor.

But we had someone who's to do with, I think,

either parts procurement or technical end of

co-part email,

the Smith & Sniff email address,

to say that they particularly liked my description

of a Honda Golf when I said,

the bars are wanked.

Was this the guy who said,

I will make it my mission to include

in our listings of a crashed Goldwing

that it has wanked handle.

I'm waiting with baited breath to see that one.

I can't wait.

I wonder if you, perhaps,

if you put, we're going to cross over here.

We could do it.

No, because there's no cars coming.

I'm admiring the name of this florist.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Is this it?

No, no, this is farty.

This is too straight.

Oh, my God.

Smell.

No, smell.

Oh.

Wow.

No.

That's, that's not my nemesis, but crikey.

That was, that's, that's an angry

wasp of a bike.

That's the sort of bike

that you'd see on a born identity film.

Yes.

It's an assassin type bike.

Yes.

They'd have a rifle across the back

in a nondescript hold-all.

Because what that bike is saying is,

yeah, I know you're going to hear me,

but I'm going to be so fast

at shooting that guy in the head.

Yes.

It doesn't matter.

No.

It doesn't, does it?

And also, it's one of those bikes where

even a seasoned assassin, they might

not be a particularly good bike helms person.

And if that, when that gets on the band

as the, on the power band.

Oh, my God.

It would, that will rear up like a

fucked off horse and it will throw off

its occupant.

I tell thee.

Do they rear those?

Those can rear.

Yeah.

You dance at the front on those.

There's sort of motocross type

Larry bikes.

The front wheel is just dancing

with the ground the whole time.

It's just constantly trying to lift.

So when you're really trying to

make some serious headway,

you've got to shift your body weight

quite heavily.

Yeah.

And you've got to really,

you've got to shift early.

Yeah.

Because otherwise you are

scraping off the number plate the whole time

or going down the road on your back

depending on how...

Just because their

engine note is so high.

It's really high.

That they just don't sound

torquey to me at all.

Oh boy, the power band.

But they're so light, I suppose it's just...

Yeah.

They're just going to flip.

I think you've got to have massive

upper body strength to be able to

wrestle a bike like that on the limit

for any amount of time.

And I don't have...

People look at me and they know I'm hard,

but I don't have a massive amount of

upper body strength.

So it's all in the lower.

It's all in the lower.

Like a kangaroo.

Yeah, exactly like that.

Or some kind of dinosaur.

Yeah, it's exactly what it is.

I'm working on it.

Well, the new year is almost here

and it's time to get back on the

bus-marked exercise.

Why would there be a bus mark?

Never mind. Go on.

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Is this about shorts again?

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And who doesn't like a milkshake?

Steve.

Who?

My friend Steve.

He's never had a milkshake

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Personally, I love them.

In fact, I had a holy milkshake

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I'm going to make up a hydration drink

and then I'm going to go for a run.

Good for you, Rich.

Don't forget your shorts.

I won't forget my shorts

this time.

Yeah.

I don't know

if we mentioned this last year.

I should have re-listened

to last year's podcast

because we're walking

on a route and there's a worry

that we're just going to repeat ourselves

in a very slightly different way.

We are going to pass this

really tidy Discovery 2

that lives down here.

On the 04 plate.

On the 04.

So yeah, a late one.

And a Smart 4-2 there.

Yeah.

On the 2010s.

10 on the 10.

Bloody Miss Smart 4-2s.

Can I say that?

I miss them.

I like them a lot.

Yeah.

I can absolutely remember

what they feel like.

So I suppose they were different, weren't they?

But yeah, look at that disco.

It's really tidy.

And it just sits here.

I assume it's used regularly

because it's not collapsed

onto its air suspension in any way.

You know something.

It's a particularly leafy part

of town, Richard.

It's so beautiful.

Isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Lovely.

Flagstones on the ground.

Flagstones also, yeah.

Slippery and hazardous

but so visually pleasing.

Raw-time railings.

Heritage, heritage area.

And so heritage spec,

part of town, yeah.

And lovely graceful trees

bowing over the road,

almost hugging the road space.

Framing it.

Framing the road space.

Framing it.

Framing.

Love it.

Framing the road space.

I know.

So that's also a lovely,

it's been raining,

but it's a lovely wind tree.

Mild wind tree evening.

It is mild that we're experiencing.

Oh, by the way,

I've seen this a few times

parked here.

This is a relatively recent addition.

Is that a four-wheel drive pandas?

I don't know if it's a four-wheel drive,

but it's just one of those

four-wheel drive look pandas,

but it's orange,

which I respect a lot

that someone's gone for one of the jazzier colours.

So that's cool.

Sort of like Cotswold rescue colour.

Yeah.

Managing rescue.

Yes, yeah.

It's a big,

people these rescuing in the Cotswolds.

Well, when they run out of gin,

they're a real emergency star.

Ah, right.

Yes, exactly.

First world emergency response team.

You've had so much gin

that even you ruddy-faced Cotswoldian

local Conservative councillor has decided

you probably shouldn't drive.

Then just call us,

and our bright orange fit panda

will be at your door

with a big flagon of gin in no time.

Don't worry.

There's a wicker basket in the boot

and it's full of ham and crackers.

Jesus.

Rich, rich cheeses.

Because that gout won't keep itself going

on its own, will it?

That's right.

So you can fall asleep,

get back with your mouth open.

It's just the gout squad.

Right.

Thanks.

Perhaps as time goes on,

the panda starts to get more and more red.

You know, I thought your panda was orange,

you know, it's gone bright red now.

Like your nose and trousers.

And the doctor's told me,

just put your brakes on with this.

It's getting out of control.

We're going to have to amputate

one of its wheels.

What does she know?

I'll continue as I was.

I've been doing it for 60 years.

I shall continue for another 60.

I was telling someone just before Christmas

about Dick Van Dyke's 100th birthday.

Is he still...

Yeah.

He's still all there and everything, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

He's like an active 100.

And he's brilliant as well

because I was saying this,

I was talking to a couple of mates about it

and because I saw this interview

was embedded in this article that said

the interviewer in this video said to him,

you know, what's the secret of your long life?

And he was just like,

don't ask me because I don't know.

And...

What?

Then we were going through a list of things

that Dick Van Dyke could probably just say

is responsible for his long life

because who can disprove it,

including unconvincing cockney accidents

and animated penguins.

If he just went,

well, the secret of it is

dancing with animated animals.

Oh, shit, okay.

But the amazing thing about Dick Van Dyke

is that he was,

by his own admission,

basically an alcoholic,

into his, I think, late 40s.

So he was almost 50 when he knocked booze on the head

because it was a problem.

Had this been a escalating law?

Well, I think so, yeah,

but I think he'd just been a total boozehound

for a lot of his,

well, just a younger life.

I mean, you know, until he was almost 50.

So he gave up the booze,

but he was still a heavy smoker.

And he fight,

he said giving up the facts

was harder than the booze,

and he finally knocked that on the head

well into his 50s.

What the hell?

And now he's 100,

and it's a bit like, you know,

if you'd absolutely been hammering booze and cigarettes

until basically you're 50 and a little bit more.

Yeah.

You'd assume that's it.

You're running out of the clock fast on that.

Conventional medical wisdom would have it.

Dick Van Dyke's animated penguin genes

are really strong, presumably,

because I don't think he should be a benchmark.

They must be hugely strong,

because he's effectively done the first

50 years of his life on the original cam belt.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's one of those guys

where every time he takes his car in

for the service,

they ask him when he was last,

when he last did an oil change.

He's like, well,

it's still got oil in it,

so it's fine.

Not really understanding the process of this.

What it's all about.

Yeah.

Now he did the first half of his life

on the original cam belt

and also absolutely hammered it from cold

all the time.

Did he used to pin the throttle

to de-ice the windows?

Yes.

He's one of those guys.

It's the Dick Van Dyke method.

Clutchless gear changes.

That was the Van Dyke method.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

The original clutch.

How have you managed that?

Well, because I don't use it

along the type actually,

but almost Germanic in the

sort of mechanical unsympathetic approach to

the car stays in first gear.

You get in it in the morning.

Of course, it's already in first.

So release the clutch as soon as the engine catches.

You don't even let the oil like flicker.

Oh yeah.

She's gone.

No, I think this thing,

he gets in the car.

What kind of shoes

would Dick Van Dyke have worn?

I don't know.

Probably quite some elegant loafers

of some sort.

Yeah, I think so.

So brooks perhaps in the sixters?

Yes, brooks.

50s and 60s and brooks.

Plants are broke to the floor

and then turns the car on.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit.

That's the lifestyle choice that he made.

He was quoted as saying,

chokes are for pussy.

Do you believe in that?

Dick Van Dyke was, maybe still is,

a jagman.

Of course.

Which then suddenly makes sense

because Dick Van Dyke is one of these people

who had a brief flicker of going,

was he originally British?

And I was like, no,

because of course he had

a terrible unconvincing British accent.

Yeah.

There's no way he is,

I think of Dutch ancestry,

but he's American.

And he had a jag.

He had a jag at XJ,

like the last shape of XJ

that caught fire a few years ago.

Yeah, and he had to be rescued

or sort of helped out of it

as it burned.

Really?

So this was the last iteration

of the XJ?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The sort of that sort of

kind of really...

The one with the claw mark real light.

Yes, exactly, yeah.

Oh.

Dick Van Dyke would have a noise,

but it burst into flames

on a freeway in California.

And he had to be helped out of it

and it burnt to the grounds.

Well, hang on a minute.

He also has to hurry up

and releases the next generation of jag.

That's the thing.

Van Dyke should be

the first bar guy in.

He could be a brilliant ambassador for it.

Well, they've got to get

their skates on him,

because you know,

well, let's say the man's on

borrowed time.

Now that he had like a crack cocaine habit

until he was in his 60s

and he just went,

yeah, knocked it on the head

and it seems to be okay.

That's fine, yeah.

I just don't...

I used to do a lot of angel dust

in my 70s.

But I'm over that now

because I'm 100.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

I grow my own poppies these days.

But just for ornamental purposes.

Nothing more.

What's happened to the bonnet

on this one series?

I think it's had a slow,

but quite sharp incident.

It's had a really small

and surprisingly high nudge

into something at the front.

There's just not the bonnet up.

That's the only acceptable body shape

for one series in my humble opinion.

What, a two-door coupe?

Two-door coupe.

I think you're right.

Yeah, all of the others look wrong.

Yeah, I know, I agree.

And that's the thing,

and even the conversable,

that doesn't look right

because it looks like a bathtub.

It does look like a bathtub,

you're right.

Yeah, but the,

yeah, that,

they're quite neat, aren't they?

If anything,

they're sort of getting better

the more time goes on.

I think they're going to be

really highly revered

because for a certain generation,

a younger generation,

that's like the cool car

that they bought on finance

when they were 22.

Yes.

And they will have inadvertently

sold or crashed or badly modified it

or all of the above.

And so when they hear about 40,

they'll go,

God, if only I could find

a really tidy like 120

or whatever it was.

Well, so the 1M version of those

obviously is already a sought-after car

and the values of those are solid.

Yeah.

They were 50 grand, weren't they, New?

50 or 52?

Yeah.

Gosh.

But there was a 135, I think,

in that shape.

Yeah.

Or maybe a 130 as well.

M140 was a weapon of...

But I just think,

would it be one of those cars?

It's like one of the sort of

larger six-cylinder engines

in one of those,

the manual gearbox.

One of those cars,

we just go,

this is really great.

It's forgotten about it,

but it's actually really brilliant.

I think because you can buy

one series really cheap now,

like a fairly bad condition,

the base model one,

you can rest-zone mod them

by putting a six

from another BMW model in one.

Right.

And you can build a skid,

you know, a skid tool with...

About what people are doing,

isn't it?

Yeah.

They're like mad drift cars.

Which is what they did do

with BMW compacts,

but compacts have got

just as scarce.

Yeah.

They're more scarce

than Pangolins now,

BMW compacts.

They're crispy around the edges.

Quite some of them

didn't know they'd hit.

Yeah.

The Bob tailgain got hold of them

and what they do is

they'd fuck around with our minds

and then shave five mil off it

each year

to the fact you're like,

was the BMW compact

always that sure?

I just can't...

Like some kind of

crazy version of the Twits.

Like Cliff erosion.

Where, you know,

the British Isles

gets shorter every year.

Wait a minute.

Yeah.

Why has the B-pillar

collapsed into the C?

Have you been shaving back

this compact, you idiot?

Yeah.

With a spokeshave.

Well,

what have you been up to tonight?

Right.

I was spokesaving my

compact.

We're at the pub.

So...

We'd better go in

and do what we do at the pub.

Better go in.

We'll see you in a bit.

Bye.

Let's go.

OK.

Well...

Well now, so...

Well...

I'm...

I'm fueled by...

by three points of cider.

Three?

Is it three?

I don't know how many...

How many was it?

Two.

It's just two.

Was it two?

Yeah, it would be quite good.

We just walked past a building

that's got temperance

hall written on it.

Yeah.

And we...

would have been

allowed in there

in the olden days

because, yeah,

we've been quite temperance

for a couple of pints.

Is that class as temperance?

I think, well...

I don't even know.

The really relaxed temperance society.

You know, you can have some booze,

but just not too much.

It's fine.

Yeah, well, that's fine

because I'm on a sort of

fast idle now

and then

we're going to, hopefully...

Well...

Richard thinks

that we might be able

to catch last orders

at another pub on my way.

Catch lasties.

Which would be nice, actually.

That's nothing more satisfying

than catching lasties.

No, it's not.

That's fine.

We'll call enough to order.

That's fine.

I only want another pint.

Yeah.

Planning on staying.

Yeah, that's right.

Or, you know,

if I'm feeling a bit saucy,

I might grab myself

a couple of

Thumbs Worth of Captain Morgan

extra spiced.

Just...

We were just laughing

about Captain Morgan

and the Captain Morgan story.

For a very old podcast.

Very old.

I think it was actually

from a video.

Was it one of our

early videos?

I think it was a

video.

A Captain Morgan story.

We probably don't need to

rerun it.

We could just put a link

to that somewhere or other,

but it's still...

I was just saying to you

there before we started

recording that

quite often,

it's usually because

I'm in a pub

and I've seen a bottle

of Captain Morgan

behind the bar.

Yeah.

That story pops back

into my head.

Has been responsible

more than once

for

someone behind the bar

turning back around again.

There's you...

There must be...

Why is this customer

just suddenly giggling

to themselves?

Nothing else has changed.

You're just thinking

of the terrible...

Thinking about the captain

and the ruined trousers.

Yeah, note to self.

Never wear linen trousers

for a nightclub

and or

drink Captain Morgan

extra spice.

Yeah, bloody hell.

Oh, dear.

Well, there we go.

I

I was thinking

before you

arrived this evening

about

since New Year

is approaching

and I was suddenly like

I don't really do New Year's resolutions.

No, but I've got

a couple of things

sort of

work wise.

I was like,

I really need to crack on with that.

But I was thinking

do I have any

car

New Year's resolutions

or, you know, it's more like it's

things, right?

What in 2026

what do I want to

do?

I think

don't people do this, it's not...

It's not called manifesting

but there's a thing where

like people just kind of

you do your little kind of

lists of things.

This is what I want to

achieve in the next.

Whatever.

Goal setting.

Maybe that's it.

Car goal setting.

I like to think

you have some realistic ones

like low-hanging fruit

that you genuinely could do

if you put your mind to it.

Yeah.

And then you have other ones

where it's just sort of

slightly more

higher

bar goal driven.

So it looks like a bloke

is hammering a mountain bike

in his shed.

But it's also,

it's a garage, isn't it?

He's got a garage

but he's put the

up and over door

halfway up.

My dad used to do

the half-comp door.

That's a ventilation

position, sure.

Yeah, yeah.

You're doing something

which involves

gassing off.

Either you're painting

or vanishing.

That's what

Dad used to do.

I see.

So you need a bit of through air.

But it's a bit cold

so you don't want to leave it

fully open.

We're just

passing

a

K13

Micra.

Yeah, they're shit, aren't they?

They are shit.

The most disappointing

of the Micras.

Yeah, they are.

But it's got

a jazz-spec dent

in the boot lid.

Yeah, it looks like

someone's hit it

a number of times

with a golf club.

When we mentioned the,

well, in fact,

it was a listener,

wasn't it?

And it's the all-honder jazzes,

Mark-1 jazzes have a

dent, a high dent

in the boot lid.

And they were right.

And then people

came forward with theories,

and I think the best

and most persistent

and probably accurate

theory is that

a driver of a certain age.

And even if it's got

rear parking sensors,

it's an object

that is too high

to be painted on.

And I don't know

what that object would be.

No.

I always think like

a lorry trailer or something,

but they're even higher.

That would put the back

screen through.

Sure.

A high-cornered skip lorry.

Or just a skip, I suppose.

A skip.

Because skips are bastards.

Well, because they've got that

because they've got

the shape of a skip.

Yeah.

The parking sensors would be going,

well, the bit I can see

is quite far away.

Yeah, but it's Shampford.

It's Shampford.

Yeah, you see,

it's a Shampford thing.

Just asked Tiff Nadel.

Tiff said,

I remember

when we were on

this gear,

he had a skip-related incident.

After...

After lunch

when we were filming.

I am pretty sure

it was either a box-fresh Skyline R35,

so not a Skyline but a GTR.

Or

a then-new Civic R.

I will ask him,

but he basically

got in the car,

selected reverse

and sort of didn't check

his rear view mirror

because when he parked it there,

the skip wasn't there.

I think it had been delivered

while he was eating his ham egg

and chips.

And

and he just packed it

straight into a skip.

An unexpected skip.

Yes.

The skip dropped

completely full then.

I think you might have

mentioned this before on the show.

Yeah.

Because it was...

I think it was

in the Sun GTR.

The

our old top gear

and grunt or studio director,

Brian Klein,

famously

not a

not a particularly competent driver.

Even he would probably admit that.

And Brian's tales of

minor and low-speed accidents are

many and hilarious,

but at one point

I think he was directing one of

Clarkson's

Christmas DVDs or videos

back in the day.

Oh, gosh, yeah.

What a cash cow.

Yeah, gosh.

Well, Brian has a delightful house in

Hampstead

and has owned a series of very exotic

cars

off the back of,

you know,

sell-throughs.

Well, because he rode the

90s, particularly 90s and 2000s boom in

Christmas

videos and DVDs.

So all those things you used to see in

the supermarket and said,

you know, Barbara Windsor's

fart yourself thin.

That was Brian directed

so many of those,

but it was also his company

that made them.

Shit.

The coin that he made in that

period.

Coin, my friends.

Shit.

So he, um,

yeah, he had some really lovely cars.

Sweet, sweet cars?

Sweet, sweet cars.

But he wasn't necessarily very good at

driving one, but he...

I think it was,

they were doing something,

but it wasn't Top Gear.

It was, it was,

I think a Jeremy Christmas thing.

Filming on, I think,

Campbell Airfield

and they had the whole

massive, this is before

Campbell became a sort of

aircraft graveyard where

they just dismantled plates.

It was just a huge,

open expanses of nothing.

And, um,

but there was one skip

that had been put there for some reason.

One whole of the airfield.

Yeah, it was just a skip.

And Brian managed to drive into it.

It was over Jeremy going,

still don't know how he did it.

Like mathematically it's almost

impossible, but he still managed it.

I actually reversed into

balls of the other night.

I've just remembered.

What?

In my Tesla.

Oh.

Yeah.

When the rain was thrashing down

and it was quite stormy.

Is that an owl?

Yeah, I was going to say,

I hope that's been picked up on the mic

because it sounds really clear.

I'm going to communicate with it.

I'm quite good at this.

You're listening to

Winterwatch with Johnny Smith.

Unfortunately, the owl's gone quiet.

I think the owl feels threatened by my

maybe my owl.

Did you accidentally tell it to fuck off?

It thinks there's a local hard case

owl now coming out.

Yeah.

I've said,

are you staring at my point

in owl chat?

Point of

mouse.

Are they territorial owls?

Yeah.

They must be mustn't they?

Because they're pretty fucking hard.

I think their talons

are amongst the most fearsome of the talons.

Because

are they?

They have got serious talon grip.

But of all the birds,

are they any birds with eyes on the front?

They're the most attractive of the

the evil birds.

They are the best design of bird.

Yeah.

But especially the very cute

but down below in the foot department

they're lethal as hell.

Also sometimes quite attractively

patterned as well.

They've got good colour and trim.

Amazing.

In the owl

in the owl world.

But it's true.

Trim levels.

What's that mate?

Is that a tawny?

You've got tawny.

Stand to see deeply.

Yeah, eyes on the front

so they're just going,

yeah, we're just predators, mate.

They've got an amazing turning circle.

They have to have their heads, haven't they?

They're sort of

London taxi

spare.

Hi, this is Joe from Vanta.

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has never mattered more.

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compliant fast and stay secure

with the most advanced

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continuous monitoring out there.

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What were we saying before?

I don't know.

I'm a bit pissed.

I don't know.

As I was saying,

you'll see your car

checked as of 2026.

And I realized, of course,

that my Metro is on that

because I will finally get it

and be able to drive it

next year.

At least I hope so.

It's nearly done.

I kind of slightly got ghosted

by someone who I thought

could sort me out

with a couple of parts

that we need.

And the guys at the den

are kind of waiting

for some coolant hoses

that I've promised

that I can find.

So I've got some people

who can hook me up

with the good shares.

I think the thing

about your Metro

is that you could have

put it on the road

a lot sooner,

but you're going through

it absolutely

fastidiously

because it's such

an amazing...

Well, I am not.

The den is

because they're the

best.

You take care of this

and they're very good at that.

And it is

because of it being

such an exquisite example

off the mark.

Did I send you a video

of them doing the powder coating

on the wheels and stuff?

No.

Is it pervy?

They've brought those wheels

up at treats

and they weren't bad

to start with them.

Now they are.

The car is going to be amazing.

No.

We're just coming up

to the other pub

we're going to go to

and I think it's already

sharp.

No.

Can we have it on it?

Are there any other

pubs you know?

That's right.

But I think we might

be out of luck here

because it's ready past.

Come on up.

I'd like to worship

another pint.

Right.

Well, we've got to go down

here and we're going to have to

go quick.

Right.

Well, I'm quite happy

to walk fast.

Yeah.

We are really going to be

going to be...

So you're going to

be putting...

You're going to put some

newt miles on the

MG Metro.

Yeah.

It's going to be exciting.

I can't wait.

We'll do a video of that

for the Lake Brake Show.

We will.

A maiden voyage

somewhere.

I just need to...

You just sort of calm down

and enjoy these things.

Yeah.

You do?

Don't need to accumulate.

Nothing else.

I'm...

2026 is the year of

finishing for me.

Finish when you started.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a song by

Pat Benatar, I think.

We said that.

It was about

because she was restoring

an MG midget

and she just

Yeah.

Restraiced it about her.

Pat was

at the time,

I think she had a

Buick Riviera

in a lot of pieces

in her

condo.

Condo?

Yeah, because this is

the sort of thing

Pat Benatar

she gets stiff

on her deal

or something

that she's still

just got a condo.

She got told

and I've seen this

in many descriptions

on eBay and the like

98% complete.

But unfortunately

your idea of measuring that

your idea of 98%

and my idea

of 98%

are bloody different.

And as a result

I think

Pat Benatar is searching

for a couple of elusive pieces

and it's one of those pieces.

Trim, is it trim?

Is it mainly trim?

Yeah, it is.

It's vexing Benatar.

Yeah, but the problem is

it's like bits of trim

which you need

to find another bit

in order to put that bit on

because it's a very

staged

assembly.

Yeah.

And Benatar's

understandably

got really hacked off

and so she's bought

another car

as her interim car

and I can relate to Benatar

because I've done that.

She's bought.

She's trying to put

this beautiful Riviera back together.

I heard

a sweet car.

I heard that

sometimes Gladys Knight

would ring her and go

Pat, I hear you're looking

for a period correct

instrument binocle

for the Riviera

but

it's got to be a 67.

Yeah.

Yeah, why have you got one?

No.

She's just hang up.

Yeah, Gladys Knight

really goaded her.

Really.

She's mean isn't it

because Gladys Knight

knew full well

that she'd got a 64 GTO

in absolutely

show-winning condition.

Sometimes she'd just go out

and win a show

just to bait Benatar.

Okay.

And how's your GM muscle, Pat?

Let's see it

for the backstage

of the Grammys.

I

I was recently

filming with Colin Furze.

Oh.

Yeah.

There's a video

that's going to go out with him

soon on his

well, on his garage

but also his

back to the future tribute

truck.

Yeah.

And

reminded me

how much I

I really would

like a DeLorean

even though

I know the disappointment

that Laser had.

Yes.

But I'd still

really like one

because his looks so good.

He's got such a nice one.

I just

I feel like that's

it's an itch

I must scratch.

Not in 2026.

Okay.

But further down

unless I find one

that's just

appallingly cheap

and

and it calls me.

You know like

is it

pirates

and men of the sea

in the old days.

Is it a siren

that would call them

into the sea

and then basically

you die.

Yeah.

So the

Yeah.

Would be basically going

hey pirate guys

I

I'm almost certain

I'll have sex with you

if you come this way

and then before you know

it was gashed on the rocks.

This is for you.

This is the DeLorean song.

Yeah.

This is the easy

rasp of a

PRV

V6 engine

with emissions control

and it has like

47 horsepower left.

Come this way.

I've got 110 horsepower.

You've driven much better.

But you've never

experienced something

that looks this good.

Come on.

Oh look.

It's a Honda E.

Is that yellow

or white?

No it's not.

Ah it's the best color.

I love them.

Johnny stopped

to admire the Honda E.

I think the

the odds are stacked

against us.

I'm willing to

still go

against all odds

the song

of Phil Collins.

No but I think

generally just like

mathematically

we now can't get

to the pub before

like they've called lasties.

But what about

if we go in there

and

just say that you need

your medicine?

Because what I realized

is I said

let's go to another pub

but there is actually

there was a slightly closer pub

but it's just not very good

and I blotted it out

of my mind

but we could have gone there.

It's not important drinking

and not a very good pub.

It's a terrible pub.

I'm not going in there then.

But the good pub

is now

the good pub is still

five minutes away

and we're five minutes

from closing time so

I think we're out of luck here

we're just going to have to abort.

It's okay I've got

You've got any Captain Morgan

at your eye?

I've got

and linen trousers

we have some

I forgot to say Lister's

right at the top of the show

this is effectively

our

Smith & Sniff

Christmas party

which involves several pints

and packets of peanuts

together

and actually

we're still working

that's how diligent we are

because we're still

recording material

just absolutely devoid of any substance

we're still recording

Well it's

Suzuki Ignis 3-Daw

Yeah that lives there

I love them

and do we see that?

There's someone in this neighbourhood

who has an Ignis Sport

I don't know

I see it sometimes

and then it's not there for a while

but then it's back again

and so I sort of think

that they keep it somewhere for best

and that's good

They're probably doing some

time trial work with it

Oh maybe

I reckon

Can we buy some cans on the way back

and eat and drink them in a hedge

just for old times sake

Well I've got some cans at my house

Yeah actually

I might even have some

and we can just legitimately

drink them at your house

Yeah we are allowed to

we're adults

we can do that

I need to sit in that hedge

Oh man

The things you used to do

if you remember going to a house party

and stashing boo strategically

and all that stuff

A portion of my life where

Breaker Lager was a thing

Yeah I missed that Beau

I completely missed that

Did you?

Yeah

I know the name but I've never

it's never touched my lips

should we say

I think the point of Breaker Lager

was that it was quite strong

and quite cheap

Was it a bit awful though?

Well at the time it didn't seem it

but then you know

I wish the listeners were here

Young and foolish you wish this

because they could enjoy it

we've got quite a nice vista here

we're doing a sort of fresh quark

on a hillside

Do you know that thousands of people

listen to this

it would be like the pied pipers of shite

just walking through the streets of Bath Bath

Can you imagine

all these people coming behind us going

what are they saying now

All the listeners might follow us

and then we

on the promise of getting last orders

but actually not

and then we go

do we all go back to Richards

he's got a couple of cans in the fridge

The most amazingly disappointing public

disappointing pub crawl

Do you want me to name all the vehicles

MG3

Keer Picanto was that?

Surprisingly neat and not shit

car they were quite good

They were

Although I subsequently found out

that apparently a lot of that car

was basically a sort of reverse engineered

Punto underneath

Bull

Yeah

because from the days of

Chinese companies

that's Rio

Her name is Rio

She's an exceptionally good value

Keer at the time

Wasn't that

I think that was her headline in car magazine

Her name is Rio and she's crap

Yes

That's right

This

is a hell of a

I know who wrote that

I was like

Who was it?

It's Greg Fountain

Was it?

Yeah

Okay

Well done Greg

What's that with the larger on it Shreve?

Route 4

God that's a number 52 plate

2002

Yeah

It's cracking on 25 year old car

Yeah

It doesn't really matter

No it doesn't and it's also obviously doing

sterling work still

That's kind of weird

So that's a 23

nearly 24 year old car

Yeah

Probably has no affection given to it

No

It's on the key

Done

Is that a polo dune?

Yes it is

Yeah yeah yeah

I can't think of that

Oh mate Charlie out of Waymo has just bought one of those

I noticed the other week

Oh yeah

I did notice that on

Interesting choice

Yeah good car

Cool

So

Yeah 20

23 year old

car

Yeah

That's just being used

Clearly that's a working car

Someone's got ladders on the roof with that

They need that to do their job

And that is still doing sterling work

But

That's pretty nuts because that'd be

Someone in 1995 using a 1970

1972

Cortina

You did sort of see them around

But they always looked very sad and shabby

Oh they'd be tired AF wouldn't they

Very tired

I don't know if I said this in a previous podcast

Forgive me if I did

But I've had a few units

But um

Next year

26

I will have

I'll have had my beetle for 30 years

Oh yes

And that's scary because

Was it a 30 years old when I bought it

What year is it

66

Yes it was

So it was 30 when I got it

And I've had it 30

It's all circularities for that

That's good

Yeah so

At some point next year

I need to start its rebuild

It'll probably be on New Year's Eve

But so

But I feel like it deserves it

Hi this is Joe from Vanta

In today's digital world

Compliance regulations are changing constantly

And earning customer trust has never mattered more

Vanta helps companies get

Compliant fast and stay secure

With the most advanced AI, automation

And continuous monitoring out there

So whether you're a startup going for your first SOC2

Or ISO 27001

Or a growing enterprise managing vendor wrist

Vanta makes it quick, easy and scalable

And I'm not just saying that because I work here

Get started at Vanta.com

Most people overpay for car insurance

Not because they're careless

But because switching feels like too much hassle

That's why there's Jerry

Your proactive insurance assistant

Jerry compares rates side by side

From over 50 top insurers

And helps you switch with ease

Jerry even tracks market rates

And alerts you when it's best to shop

No spam calls, no hidden fees

Drivers who save with Jerry

Could save over $1300 a year

Visit Jerry app or visit Jerry.ai

Slash a cast today

Now, if you rebuilt it

Yeah, for another 30 years

The 30 years has to be a 90 year old car

Which is feasible because you know

And then they source out the London to Brighton

And update it so there's

Why isn't the London to Brighton

We need to do the London to Brian

Why is it not?

In 26

Could they not do like, you know

Le Mans, for example, has categories

And there's

L and Q are all the rest of it

They'll just do London to Brighton

But just go, this year

There's a 70s category

70s?

I suppose it's not very challenging

Is it just drive from London to Brighton

And say a princess

It would be if you had one arm tied behind your back

Don't you think? And it's a manual car

Yeah

Just make it a little bit more spicy

Which arm?

You're dominant

Oh, well, but then you see you and me

Oh, we be fucks

Because we're both left-handed

To get a left-hand drive car

But

I don't know

No, hang on, it'd be alright for us, wouldn't it?

Well, no, because you've tied your dominant hand

Behind your back, so you're going to have to reach across

With your right hand to change gear

Unless it's a left sucker

Yeah, that'd be terrible

That would be awful

If

I don't

If

Different kind of owl

If it was

We need to work out the mechanics of this

Who organises London to Brighton

Anyway, I have no idea

I thought it was Lord Montague

But I don't think he's no longer with us

Is it just something that happens

Like nobody organises it

Completely organic

It's such a well-oiled machine

Just people of a certain age

With vintage cars

You and I turn up

As if we've officially ended

But we haven't

And what we've done is we've bought

One of those Chinese EVs

That looks like a Model T Ford type thing

You know, if we're going round

And doing tours of

Historic places and we pretend

We just throw a load of old soil at it

And we pretend it's a 1906 thing

We'll just make up a company

Because nobody could keep track

Of what was going on back then

Just go, oh yeah, no

That's absolutely, it's a

Boulagibon Foulibard

Did you not hear of them?

They were actually

Despite the name

It's the Panston on Hippotown

Panston

Sorry, not Panston

No, it's a freak seshik

I don't know if you've heard of them

But they made seven cars

They were based out of Samour

In the Loire Valley

And tragically

Everybody involves

Yes, they all died

In 1901

But ironically

The one survivor became

Peugeot

But anyway, I hope you're going to let me enter

No, it is electric, yes

I know there's a lot of Chinese writing

Where's part of the restoration

We undertook a great expense

Look, I'm wearing

Everything I'm wearing is tweed

And you have to let me take part

Because it is drizzling

And my arms are becoming

I've had a winner's hipflask

Made in preparation

For concreteness event

So therefore, let me in

Guys, let me in

But also it turns out

That you're fake London's

Because it's using a modern Chinese EV

Powertrain

Has

907 horsepower

It's incredibly dangerous

Because it's on the tyres

From a rally grifter

Well, it will have tiny little tyres, won't it?

Of course, yeah

Even though it's a grifter

It's just like some kind of like 80s racing bike

Right about that saddle

And then off you go with the 907 horsepower

And it's wheel spinning all the way across the south

Well, one wheel peeling

One wheel

Well, to be authentic

To the absolutely batshit

Engineering of the area

You would just make it one wheel drive

For some reason or other

Yeah, and its main drive

System would be your leather belt

Your best leather belt

That I've spent all night

Soaking in some sort of solution

Your in

Yeah, it would be ammonia, wouldn't it?

But ever since the buckle goes over the drive

The drive

Makes a horrible noise

Well, we've got plenty of time

We've got sands for this

As we've discussed before, for some reason

The London Subrison always takes place

In the most drizzly grey part of the year

They could have it in July

And it would be lovely, but no

No, that's not hard enough

My brother was crewing this year

As usual and he said

Amazingly, it didn't rain as much as normal

So is it?

Well, you mean it stopped for three minutes

Yeah, so everyone's clothes

Didn't absorb quite as much precipitation

As they usually do

Was everyone incredibly disappointed by this

Yeah, because of course

Pretty much every car was open topped

Yeah, I don't think any of the cars

For the London to Brian

It's amazing, isn't it? There's no point

For years and years that they won't go

You don't, but I do all that

Can we put a roof on this?

Look at this, here we are

We're back at my house and Johnny's insight

Yeah, I've come down in the little Honda

Most of the nose with an Audi Q3

Which looks...

I mean, I don't even know

It looks like a monster truck

I'll just run across the road

I think so

It's embarrassing we have to look

But I mean, yeah, it is

Yeah, TFSI

TFSI

I'll sit on my news resolutions

TFSI is an exclamation

Yeah

Yeah, the dog's just shouting the carpet

TFSI again

All right, well

Looks like a new FFS, isn't it?

It is

There's another resolution for 2026

As we approach my dacha spring

Can I touch it?

Yeah, not too hard because it'll fall over

It's very light

My wife has raised an objection

That I took the wheel trims off

But she doesn't like the steel wheel look

So I need to find a compromise

I think she thinks it looks like a damaged

A higher car

It's a body work repair

I like this look

But she doesn't and she's started driving this now

So I need to get some hubcaps

Of some sort, but I don't know what fit

I can find something for you

I was thinking original

Oh, moon disks

They're really small wheels on that

It's also got very high ground clearance

Well, we're on a slope because as we know

My driveway is very slopey

But when you put the handbrake on the slope

The back goes up and you could climb

Into the reunion

You're really good, couldn't you?

You're really good

Right, well, that's quite enough of this

But thank you for listening

Happy New Year everyone

We'll see you on the other side

Until then, goodbye

I just want to wish everybody

A festive time

I don't know what was funny about that

What was funny about that

And I just want to say a massive thank you

As Richard unlocks his door badly

To everybody that's listened to this

From day one

I can't believe we're still doing it

It's really not worth us doing it

I don't think

And on that

On that thought of things

Thought of things

A lot of things

Goodbye

Goodbye our merchandise

We've mugs and hats

But still no ties

One day we will make those pies

But in the meantime

Guys, hey guys

Like and subscribe

And maybe leave a nice review

Like and subscribe

We know you know just what to do

Like and subscribe

We don't want to take the piss

Like and subscribe

But we were told to ask for this

Like and subscribe

Thought of things

On a lot of these things

Hannah Burner, are those the cozy Tommy John pajamas you're buying?

Paige DeSorbo, they are Tommy John.

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wear.

So nothing for your bestie.

Of course I'm getting my dad, Tommy John.

Oh, and you, of course.

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The unexpected skip

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