The Houston Show!

What up everybody? Welcome to the Smoking Tire Podcast. Today's episode is, as always, brought to you by Off the Record. We love Off the Record, and you guys too. Few of our patrons hit us up recently and said, Off the Record really saved their back sides when they got pulled over for allegedly doing some things they shouldn't have been doing. Off the Record is a service that connects you with local, qualified attorneys who will fight your case in court if needed.

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For 10% off all legal services with Off the Record. All right folks, this is it. Our first ever ticketed live event from Houston, Texas. We were down at the shop club in Houston, and tried to localize this one a little bit. We put together a competition to see who between Zach and I could put together the best $1 million Houston themed garage. We talk about Tesla's new diner opening in L.A.

And we roast a bunch of Houstonians cars to their faces. It's the smoking tire live from Texas. Let's do it.

Mother fucking Texas. I'm in a curse in front of children. Am I am I going to curse in front of children? It's never bothered me before it doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother me. It's literally never bothered me before. It's not going to stop me today at all. And if it didn't, Tito's won't. Let's just let's go. This is a Texas vodka right here.

Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I can't believe you fucking people live here. We just we've been here six hours. And I had never really had to understand what the term heat dome meant.

You walk out them doors at GWB. Oh, it does feel like a dome. Fucking does, man. That should is tough. But we got this is now. Yeah. This is now. I just Google heat dome image. I just went today. No. When we when we when we landed and I had servants again, I screen shot it. That had said it to Christian who was wearing like 75 layers of sweatpants.

Because he has usburgers when he flies and and his comfort layers quickly became a burden. Yeah. He wasn't he did not know what he was getting into temperature wise, I would say. Yeah, we thought it was going to be bad when we got here because I had a I had a real problem with enterprise like I'm like a VIP when I travel not because of anything. I'm not like, yo, we sold a hundred and seven in Houston enterprise. You need to hook me up. They didn't have any big cars.

Zach, Zach, we're all tall people. We have our gear and we have to drive from here to Dallas. They don't need big cars. And I was very concerned. Fortunately, sweet talk the guy got myself a Chrysler Pacifica.

Anybody out there who loves a minivan like I love and you guys love a minivan. We got in it. We drove like a hundred yards. And Zach and I have been driving the new M5 touring, which is heavier than the Chrysler Pacifica.

By a huge. Yeah. By an indoor, some number, a shocking number. And we went a hundred feet and I went, Zach, this is better than the M5.

And yeah, and I'm not kidding. I'll stand by that shit till the day I die. Better road manners. The M5 steers itself, even though it's not actively steering itself. It just is set up so poorly.

Yeah. Do you think that our our love of minivans that happened in our 30s is maturity or lowering tea? No, that's not just us for a while.

This car is actually really nice. Cozation correlation. I just want to sit in here and cry and listen to something.

No, it's our love of production. Is anyone here in production or has been in any kind of production? One, one dude, one, two, three.

If you've been in production, a minivan is one. Oh, I know. Yeah. What's up? If you've been in production, a minivan is the greatest Swiss army knife in the history of production.

And and man, let me tell you, you don't want to buy a used rental van from a from a West Coast rental agency because motor trend and road and track man.

And do we rip these things? We did performance van of the year once road track. We had Ross Bentley driving laps. The Christ, excuse me, the Dodge Caravan Sport SWB.

The caravan is the ST of minivans. It is the lightest. It feels the lightest. Yeah. But you beat on it like it's not worth $500,000. Yes, $500.

Yeah. But point being, I love a rented Pacifica. And we have pretty good rental car karma these days. It's not been so good in the past.

We used to do like mad burnouts and rental cars and really like in a van. In a van. In a matter of fact, check it out on YouTube or don't. But we got this van.

But as soon as you got to the hotel, I started laying down and sort of reading the news and I saw enterprise where we rented the van is employing the AI scanners, yo.

Yo, you hear about this shit. You drive. Well, now we might get to find out because at at George W. But just George W. Bush or just George Bush, which, which fucking bushes has the airport? It's W.

There isn't even like a big mural in our. So apparently according to the according to the news. This is my airport. My dad is down the street.

We're going to we're going to skate all the van.

My dad is in Baghdad. My dad left him in Baghdad. He doesn't have a bus ticket. No, I do. So apparently they have the scanners at the airport here enterprise.

And so then I remembered we're returning this motherfucker in Dallas. One way rental, baby. And then I learned a new fact when we got in at the hotel to drive over here, which is an embarrassingly short distance.

This van was given to me with 11 miles on it. It now has 40s. I was given the very first loan of a rental car.

This is the peak we've peaked. Who's ever got? Who's you? Does anyone here ever gotten that before? The very first loan of a rental car? Did anyone, did any of you guys truly take advantage of the privilege you were given?

You're not even like a mother fucker. What did you do? You found the traction button right away. What would you do? Yeah. What'd you do? Tell me a 200, the Chrysler 200. That was a fucked up car.

What was so fucked up? What if the Civic never got past second grade? That's the 200. Did you abuse it? What did you do? You did abuse it? A work trip.

That's the right time to do it. That's the right time. First loan to zero mile, basically zero mile loan. That's what's up. That's 100% what's up.

I got a Nissan Versa once, and I wasn't the first loan, but I was close to it, really sub-thousand miles. But the loan was to drive to an endurance racing. I was doing a Tennessee.

At the Friday practice day, they'll let you run any car that passes tech. I ran about 75 laps for up in a Versa brand new.

Broke that motherfucker right in the CV was a CVT was smoking smoking and boy. They didn't know. They didn't know. The AI scanner cannot detect transmission damage.

But man, what so what should we do with a brand new van? I mean, do we do some burnouts? I think it's electric pardon break.

I am curious if the scanner can detect tire wear because we, you know, we did like the longest burnout of our lives in many fans. We could do that again.

I did smoke a joint within, within about five minutes. So that's one kind of breaking it in.

Allegedly Matt, we're in Texas. Allegedly. You can't prove nothing. Show me the van. Show me the rental contract. You know nothing.

What if the scanner has like a sniffer test and it's like, oh, you blunted this car.

Shit. Nah, it wasn't a blunted. It's okay. She'll ventilate. I know I seriously, I don't know how you guys live here.

We've been outside for a combined 45 seconds today and I sweat like I just hike the highest peak in Malibu. So you're, thank you, thank you for that.

But we are so happy to see you all. It's crazy. No, you know what? It's also my friend Matt Bell. Shout out to Matt Bell at the shop club for having us here.

When, you know, I also store cars. This is the business. I'm also in and and and one of the only people I like in business that does this is Matt Bell because he understands why people would come to a club.

It's like, because there's foods and food upstairs. It's not because it's cars downstairs. And so we talk, we talk business. We talk shop a lot.

We were not competitive, but I'm so happy to be here at the shop clubs in Texas and you guys should really check out a membership if you can.

Zach and I thought of some fun, Texasy things to do for you guys today. But we could we could. Did you guys know that we don't have your economy standards anymore?

Can I assume that I'm in the city where you all are down with that? Yeah. I'm not here to pick a fight.

And I like really loud cars and I've had cars with no cats before. I just think they're smelly. They don't actually go any faster. That's the truth. But I'm not going to pick a fight about that.

But that's that's kind of crazy. Isn't it? Didn't did you guys ever think that that the line of progress in our lives would just turn towards like, you know what?

No more fuel economy standards. That is nuts. Gravity is a cancel. We're just cancel that too. Yeah.

It's retroactive, too. Do you think that we have to like retroactive? They won't face penalties for the last three years. It's back to 2022. Isn't that nuts?

Well, I wonder if a bunch of OEMs are going to show up like at the White House wherever you go. You owe us $80 million. Yeah.

Stellantis will be there quick. But.

Stellantis. Well there. I mean, Stellantis is like, dude, Stellantis mark my words.

Six months, right? Six what who thinks? Let's do it over under who thinks it will be more than six months.

Until Tim Kineskis, the new head of the revived SRT says the hell cat is back. Yeah, who think who give me show of hands over six months?

Fucking nobody. Nobody. Nobody. The only people that said no to that don't know who Tim Kineskis is.

I have in the fuel consumption capital of the universe. And everybody was like, no, we already know that shit.

My friend works over there and they be telling me this shit's coming back like next week. They only idle the plant.

They only idle the plant when the red cross showed up. They put out the good food.

The CNC machine is still warm, man. We can just power back up 100%.

It's like John Wick, like they buried the engine blueprints under concrete, but it's really thin and it's cardboard.

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of like supercharged engines, I have to say I've traveled the country a lot.

I've never in my entire life ever seen more Cadillac black wings in one place.

Dude, then right here. Well chosen. At the shop by everybody.

There's like three inside. There's like seven outside. I think there was six at the press launch.

I've like they don't. There's like a seven year waiting list to get them in California. And now I know why y'all motherfuckers need to share.

This is fucking bullshit. We need some allocations. I'll trade you a GT3. I got it.

We have a lot of those. I have no takers. Nobody.

I think the supercharged engine, the Cadillac in California, you have to throw sit like a handgun.

They're like, you need to wait 10 days in fall of this paperwork. We're not sure about this thing.

Cadillac is doing everything that BMW should do.

Right? I wrote that last year for own track. Thank you for quoting my pieces.

Yes, quote it around that. Do you think that Cadillac stole the Germans from BMW?

Oh, wait. Hang on.

Like Operation Paperclip.

Anyone know 1946? What?

Like Operation Paperclip. But it's like Operation Enflink or something.

Listen guys. You guys want to know what you've done.

I'm going to overlook that. Can you tell me how to corner?

Because we're really struggling and I will sell my soul.

You know, we thought we got close with the Catera. I got to tell you what.

But it's not really keep it up. You know it. It did dig.

Yeah. It didn't dig hell. Don't say that guys. But it did dig.

So we were wondering if you guys would come down to the factory and show us how to turn.

And we'll just erase the whole thing.

Why was my GM employee such a redneck?

Oh, he works at Bowling Green. That's why he built Corvette.

My guy built my character. You just didn't know the background story of my character

who worked on the line in Bowling Green.

Yeah, I agree.

Now you guys know and my accent retroactively makes sense.

Like fuel economy standards, retroactively.

It's all good.

100%.

Did you guys see that yesterday Tesla opened a diner in LA?

Yes.

Let's see the Tesla diner.

You guys think they're going to be good at making food there?

Guys, we got to take one quick break from the action for Hello Fresh.

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I love Hello Fresh because I love to cook.

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Making food like making food because I'm friends with some chefs,

making food requires you to do the same somewhat simple but very tedious task

over and over and over thousands of times exactly the same.

Is Tesla good at those things?

Huh wonder if their burgers will taste good or if I'll get E. coli.

No, they're using AI to what you do is you order from your car right as you're driving to the diner.

You can order through your car because that's good for Americans.

You order through your car definitely just let's streamline the food into our bellies as fast as possible

and then and then they have an AI because of course they do.

It's probably rock takes your order confirms that white genocide is real in South Africa

and then submits your order to the to the fry cooks which are probably badly programmed robots

to then make your food not in order it was received but in the order that it thinks you will arrive at the restaurant.

So that's kind of an interesting but what I'm confused as if they have a huge screen there.

You guys have seen the pictures or you know if I zoom go down here they've got like a drive in movie theater thing

but also a restaurant needs to turn tables.

Yeah, yeah.

That's how you make the money.

Right so I don't know if they're going to charge you to sit there and watch the movie

that they're probably going to show like a birth of a nation over and over again or something

and then or they want you to get the burger get the fries and get out of there.

No, it's a bait and switch right.

It's a thing that's designed to make it look like you should want to hang out

but behind the scenes everything is about it is designed to move you in and out of it as fast as possible

which look is not inherently a bad thing.

Look if Tesla wants to build fucking diners instead of like selling fake software to everybody

like great make burgers like okay hopefully nobody gets botulism

but it's just an interesting sort of idea that stay and hang out at this experience

but also like let's most efficiently get you in and out of this place as quickly as possible.

Yeah the restaurant industry has a 60% fail rate and 80% closes in the first fight.

I was wondering what's harder like building a rocket that goes to space or trying to run a restaurant.

The craziest thing about the stupid Tesla diner is whoever does the PR for it

which is I guess nobody because Tesla doesn't have PR.

It's rock, it's rock, definitely rock.

It said we're open 24-7 forever.

Forever in the restaurant business is one hell of a fucking shot call isn't it?

I mean literally you have a 100% failure rate on that.

Good luck, good luck making forever and one of many predictions that will not come true

from that company. Thank you very much.

Okay, let's do some things more fun than crap on Tesla's food preparation.

Zach and I had an idea that we would come to your city and judge you.

We thought you'd like that.

We thought you guys would be like masochists and would like us to come here and make fun of you.

So first we're going to start by making fun of you in like a charming way

because we're going to have a little competition between each other

to see who could spend a million dollars on the most Houston, Texas garage better.

Okay and you guys get to vote.

Don't you have a head audience?

You guys get to vote who hasn't seen my list yet?

Correctly, we haven't seen each other's lists.

I don't know if we have visuals for all of it because Zach normally would get visuals for things I'm doing list.

But who came up, who assessed your city from a car perspective better

having not really been here that much?

Okay.

I don't think we need to go back and forth.

I'm going to share the five car garage in total for a million dollars.

This is a richy rich land obviously.

We don't all have a million dollars to spend.

At least it wasn't supposed to you don't.

No, fucker.

No, fucker, fucker.

It's me and up front where the Rolex is not laughing.

Yeah.

Sup, honeybee.

I see your gold, honeybee.

I designed the robot dogs that will chase you home.

You could remind me of the homeland.

I'm going to make Zach go first.

And everyone can listen and process.

And then we'll do a vote.

And see who had the better Houston, Texas garage.

Zach's five car million dollar Houston collection, please.

All right.

The program just crashed, so that's a great sign.

Okay.

Here we go.

And let me, I got a lot of green dude.

Okay.

Slabs.

Houston created the slab, I think.

It's their low rider.

It's kind of awesome.

It's also crazy.

It's dangerous for sure.

Wide boy.

So, wide boy.

Back in the 80s, the longer the slab, the better like 24 inches was the game.

They called them Deadman's wheels because people would shoot you for them and they'd break.

So now they're now they're made.

Oh, sorry.

That's why it's called a Deadman wheel.

Not because if you're like anywhere near the car,

you just die?

No.

Nobody put that shit together.

Manufacturers don't worry about pedestrians.

You worry about the driver.

Hobbyy.

The sidewalk ain't safe.

This is why the cyber truck is so safe.

This is the, I mean, look.

Look at the style.

Move.

Ah, no.

Look how long that, that is amazing.

Right.

So all I'm saying is watch your knees.

All right.

So people, people build slabs with new cars.

They build slabs with old cars.

I like the style of the old cars better.

There's also a fucking catty rules.

Isn't that sick?

You know, way more private work on the new stuff.

The new stuff is like all painted.

The old stuff you have a lot of chrome matches.

I must digress.

This motherfucker has about four and a half hood ornaments on here.

And sometime you guys know somebody that almost specs out a car perfectly

and then does one mod too far.

Fuck.

That's so disappointing when that happens.

It's like, bitch, your taste was so close.

So close.

But the extra thing you put on is so dumb that I have to question every decision you made up to that point.

And therefore my own goddamn sanity.

Well, can we say that he has a Cadillac badge below a Cadillac badge below a Cadillac emblem?

Wonder if it's a Cadillac, you guys.

Is that the spirit of ecstasy from Rolls-Royce on the front?

No, I actually think that's a Cadillac hood ornament from like the 30s.

I think that's some OG shit.

But the rest of it is a ten.

So, fucking ten.

One of the games people play is they want to get the most wheels on their car they can.

So you can do the fifth wheel on the back.

So you can do one on the trunk also.

Yes.

Now you got six.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Is that Clatman?

What?

I think that rear might be a duly.

If that's a space saver, you might be able to duly that bitch up.

No?

Either way.

No.

Either way.

I'm going way.

They don't play games with the number of wheels.

Has to be a full size.

Okay.

It's got to be full size.

You could do this.

Oh my God.

You could.

I just had an orgasm.

I think that is an opera.

Seville opera.

79 of Seville opera.

If you don't know, you better act somebody because the Seville opera coop is the best looking

Cadillac of its generation, and I'll die on that hill.

I think the proportions are weird, and I also want more slab.

I want more wheel.

No.

You guys remember where?

That's the Angry Cat.

Oh.

This guy.

The American Dream limousine.

Yes.

Body.

I think it's 26 wheels.

Yeah.

The doors.

Suicide doors are cool.

Butterfly doors are cool.

Whatever the fuck this is, where you can drive a mini-cooper in the door.

That's the, that's Doc Brown's time travel train doors.

Oh, that's true.

Helicopter on the back.

Fuck yeah.

It is ridiculous.

That is the most crashable helicopter I've ever seen.

That helicopter was like, he wanted to build his own fucking helicopter.

I told him not to.

I don't know why.

He took off smiling, and that was that we never saw Dave again.

Imagine like landing.

You can't do anything with this.

But you can fit a fuck ton of wheels on it.

So that's my first car.

This guy who built this limo.

By the way, yours are already way better than mine.

But the guy who built this limo built some other shit including I think the world's longest

Ferrari limo.

Yeah.

And then this shit got like a band in the field somewhere and a dude rescued it and was supposed to be restoring it.

But we haven't heard anything since because fucking, of course, the guy was probably on meth when he said that.

And I don't know.

I'm not, I'm not accusing.

I'm just guessing because you'd have to be on meth to buy this thing out of a field and be like, yes, I can restore this 26-wheel thing.

Works so well the first time.

That's why a guy who has so many project cars, and then he shows up with that and his wife's like, this is 40 cars at once.

And you can't, like fix the Carmen Gia first.

All right.

Car number two.

Ford F-150.

Drummer.

Because you have the world's largest medical center here, right?

The TMC, it's the largest one.

So I think I could get into dirt biking and they could fix me when I hurt myself.

Oh.

I got a lot of problems, but someone there can do it.

But I need a car that can drive me back from the trail because I'm going to hurt myself.

And you can't get blue crews on the F-250 Super Duty.

Hence, tremor.

I thought it through.

Wow.

You went from that limo to this fucking whack ass pickup?

What?

That's so crazy.

You went from the craziest shit ever built to, like, it's 47,999.

Yeah.

With 1.9% APR and a 10 year power train warranty.

How many people here own a pickup truck?

Yeah, everybody.

Everybody owns a fuck, I get it.

Wow.

I get it.

Half.

The heads are clean as fuck, dude.

Yeah.

Clean.

Beds.

Clean beds.

Yeah.

That rubber cap on the two-inch fucking trailer ball attachment.

Never been taken out.

I know.

All right, next one.

Houston calls itself the energy capital of the world.

So I think a gas guzzler is a good idea.

I want something I could take to your eighth mile track.

I want something fast and fun.

But I also need to be able to outrun the police when I'm smuggling plan B pills.

Oh, yes.

So Corvette, ZR1.

Oh.

I had that too.

You did too.

See me outside.

Market.

All right, unlike Dallas where we're headed,

next convertibles are safe here.

Yes, that's the JFK joke.

Woo!

Sorry, too soon.

The Conti.

What are you?

The Conti.

Yeah, you can't roll a Conti in Dallas, can you?

You can't.

Not with these kind of ideas.

No.

Yeah, I wouldn't have that.

They won't have that.

I mean, obviously, a classic, a classic.

And I chose the 63.

The menteeers better looking than the 64.

And this bright work I think might reflect the sun into a sniper's eyes,

so they probably wouldn't be able to take you out.

Maybe, maybe.

I love a suicide door Conti.

Is there one of those here at the shop?

Matt Bell?

No.

What?

Dallas has one.

Well, yeah.

Well, you go visit it tomorrow.

Damn the one, right?

Oh, tomorrow we're going to have to.

Is that the one you're talking about?

No.

They have the one.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay.

That the fucking government has this shit.

They're not.

That shit ain't out of sight.

Someone bought the alleged JFK ambulance.

There was a controversy over whether it was the real one,

because there were three.

And it wasn't well documented at the time.

Which of the three at the Dallas,

whatever military center it was actually carried him.

But someone did and it was like,

it was put in auction, then it was withdrawn,

and then it was sold out.

It was it was weird, but it was the.

I'll bring a trailer.

I'm restored.

Well, yeah.

Well, but did you guys ever seen,

it's been on sale forever.

The two-pock BMW.

You guys ever see that shit?

They took that shit to a body shop.

They fixed it.

And now they want a million dollars for it.

It's like, the bullet holes were the thing.

You fucking asshole.

Yeah, but if you buy it in a rain,

if you rain for your rain.

It's like, what are we doing here?

You fucked it up.

It's like cleaning the dust off the Mars rover and then,

you know, the well, you, I mean, you see that.

You guys ever been, you guys ever been to a place that says

original dirt, do not touch,

or original dirt, do not wash.

You see that shit at Porsche all the time.

If you go to PC or a Porsche place,

it'll be like, you know, the Jackie X, you know,

Dakar car, it'll be like original Dakar dirt,

you know, don't wash and you're like,

all right, man, whatever.

It's kind of cool, but you could fake it so easily

about your day, whatever.

You could just throw dirt on it.

All right, my last one is, I want something to take to the track.

You guys have some private tracks out here.

And I also think the track is a place I could hide my love of foreigners.

So I would go Lotus XG's XZS 2007, reliable.

I probably can't break unless I crash it.

If Lotus goes out of business, I'd be really fucked on the repairs.

But yeah.

This is supposed to be cars that fit in Texas,

not cars that you just want to buy.

That's just this one.

The other four are embedded in Houston, I feel like.

Okay. That's my list.

So that's, so Zach's, Zach's five.

Give us the quick review again of the five.

Okay. Super limousine.

Super limousine.

The super limousine.

Ford F-150 tremor.

Corvette ZR-1.

The 63 Lincoln Continental.

And these 2007 Lotus XG's S.

All right. Well, Zach's are funnier because there was JFK jokes in there.

We have two overlaps, as a matter of fact.

The ZR-1 is an overlap and the slab.

I didn't have a specific slab, but I budgeted 200 Gs for a slab.

That sounds like that'll get me about the nicest slab around, right?

This is fucking fake money anyway.

So yeah, of course it's 200,000.

Why wouldn't it be?

All right, so that's two.

Zach picked a weeny truck.

I said Raptor R.

Okay, Raptor R.

Yeah, okay.

Everyone, yeah, I see.

I'm better at this.

I also said Cadillac Escalade V.

See, I am better at this.

Yeah, okay.

And last but certainly not least twin turbo Viper, Calvo Motorsports.

Two thousand horsepower.

That's about the most Texas shit I ever driven in my life.

Yep.

So yeah, my list would be Raptor R, twin turbo Viper, ZR-1, Escalade V, and the slab.

All right, so wasteful.

My man up front in the front row.

Yeah.

Burning gas.

Where is Texas 2000, whatever that crazy freeway racing thing?

Is that based here?

Okay.

ZX2K.

Is that here?

Ish.

It's in NS, right?

Oh, they do it.

Hennessy?

Oh, okay.

They used to just do it on the freeway, right?

It's in the middle.

It used to.

Okay.

Officially they race on drag strips, but it's like all about the money racing later, right?

That's like the thing.

Cool.

I'm down with that.

Okay.

Texas cars are crazy.

You can always tell in California when a car has been in Texas.

That's like 1800 horse power and stock brakes.

Yes.

Y'all don't need to slow down very.

You can just fucking ride out.

You fucking hit that race and then you just put it in six, coast it down.

It's all good.

It's just coast across the state.

There is absolutely nothing in between stock brakes and parachute here.

That's true.

That's the fucking difference.

As a matter of fact, on the plane was reading the TX2K rules and regulations.

That last bit, I didn't make that shit up.

There is no regulation on upgrading your brakes, but at 200 you better have a parachute.

Cool.

Yeah, just rear brake only.

Keep it light.

Okay.

So, not show of hands because this is a radio show, I think.

Round of applause.

Who thinks Zack assessed your car culture better?

Well, fucking.

What?

Okay, okay.

For your taste, that's what we're saying.

Who thinks yours truly understands what Houston cars are about?

Yeah.

Well, I think that was an obvious win for your boy.

That was obvious.

You a bunch of traders.

It was obvious.

Fucking traders, you.

Well, I mean, should we make fun of their cars?

Let's do that.

I think we should.

I think because we ask some people to submit some cars.

But also, while Christian was on, we scope the parking lot for some stuff, too.

And so, some of y'all volunteered to have your cars roasted tonight and others didn't.

But in order to make fun of your cars properly, let's invite Christian James' hand back up with us.

Because nobody talks shit like an Englishman.

Come on, honey, baby.

Let's go.

This was how we marked his mic.

But we don't need it anymore.

Right!

Oh, boy.

Is this how you organize your life-sack, fucking?

Okay.

Because it's cars.

Yeah.

Thank you guys for sending us your cars.

All right.

Oh, good.

Christian can see Zack's screen, too.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's start with some cars that were sent to us.

There was some really good ones.

And, uh, Zack, do you have a car for us?

Let's see what we've got first.

Let's go to your pictures.

Oh, these are ones I found in the parking lot that I think are spectacular.

Do you want to go to there, sir?

Fuckin' no, that's a win.

Please raise your hand if you are the owner of the 9-Duce Camry Wagon in Jewish Racing Day.

Yeah!

Sick.

That might be best in show.

Bro.

That's so good.

Yeah.

Jewish Racing Gold.

Wow.

Nice this car is, you guys.

Sharing.

All right.

What's your name, bro?

Drew.

Okay, Drew.

Did you actively pursue this car and someone in your family die and you got it by default?

You actively pursued, is it a 92?

93 Camry Wagon in the best color, as I said, Jewish Racing Gold.

And this is a preservation class car.

Is it not, Drew?

How many miles are on it?

109,000?

Sweet.

Shit ain't even broken.

No, dude.

You're just starting to get the best out of it.

Dude, if I had been issued this at Enterprise today, I would not have insisted for a Pacifica.

No.

We'd have asked how much.

We would have been rolling the Dallas.

What did you pay for this amazing specimen of a Camry if you don't mind sharing Drew?

$65,000.

All day every day.

Right?

Golden.

Well-bought, literally golden.

Yeah, literally.

That's great.

That will cost you.

It's got a greenhouse like a horse.

Yeah.

Dude, that back end is so poorly designed.

It's an epic.

Yes.

Well done.

They thought about that later.

Yeah, they were like, man.

Fuck it.

What do we got lying around?

It looks like the rear window's upside down.

You know, like this look.

Yeah, what's the opposite of the Hinesfield kink or whatever that thing was called?

Gosh, we can reuse the back of the rear window from the Vienna.

It's amazing.

That's crazy.

Oh, wow.

This was my trip.

These were my trip.

Yeah, it's best in show.

This is the possibly the most, even more so than the Lexus LS400, the most unkillable car of all time.

But like, damn, if you never see a nice one.

We had to start with that.

That's the best shit ever.

Oh, yeah.

Look.

You sent that picture.

Yeah.

With the rainbow to the rainbow.

It's a pot of Jewish gold.

This Patrick McCoy roasts my shit to like crying.

Oh, so this is a big boy.

It's a big boy land cruiser.

It is.

This thing has got.

It's got a snorkel.

Yeah.

Which I think.

Do you need it?

Where are you, Patrick?

Have you used the snorkel?

Have you gone?

Have you had water go over the hood yet?

You haven't.

Is it just a style thing?

Survive?

Yeah, it's a vibe.

Yeah, it's okay.

Does it have a little ladder on the back of it?

A little ladder?

Yeah, good.

No little ladder on the back of it.

Yeah, are you saved yourself?

That could have been a lot worse.

Do you go off-roading, though, Patrick?

You do go off-roading?

Okay.

Look.

I'm not going to lie.

This is a nice-looking truck.

Yeah.

It's not bad.

Straight up.

That's a nice-looking truck.

But yeah.

That snorkel is for sniffing other things.

Yeah.

You're a lesbian girl for any of those.

Yeah.

That's the problem with the snorkel.

It's one of those things.

It's like driving a super-formance cobra.

The first question they asked, the answer is always no.

Right?

Anyone here ever had a replica cobra or replica GT40 or any one of those?

Right?

They're fun.

Right?

They're a good time.

Except the only question anyone ever has, the answer is no.

And that, you should watch that shit deflate somebody.

When they find out your cobra is not real,

you suck after that.

You're so lame after that.

You're like, no, but I spent like 60k on the Rouse 427 fucking independent brother.

It makes like 900 horsemen.

I'm like, yeah, but it's not real in your own loser.

That's all there is.

This is how every dad feels when their kid realize Santa is not real for a moment.

You're just like, I tried so hard though.

Right.

And I enjoy it.

So same thing with the snorkel.

First question.

Use the snorkel?

Nope.

Did you hurt your gas mileage?

Probably.

Yeah.

This, this, this Instagram photo is the hardest core off-roading he's ever done right now.

Yeah.

That's a garden center.

Yeah.

That's a home-deaf garden center.

This is the Grand Canyon of Houston.

You don't understand.

You're, you're biggest now.

It's actually like a parking lot on either side is tarmac.

You ever see the Bear Girls clip?

You ever see the Bear Girls clip where he's doing this crazy shit to get over the chasm

but like a guy goes to the same spot and just walks like 20 feet and walks right

around.

That's what this is.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a Subaru Outback traveling through the about the back of the truck.

I recognize this.

This is behind our hotel across the street.

Yeah.

Lovely truck back.

Yeah.

Lovely couple named Susan and Judy drove behind him.

Like you're in the way.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Dude, this is the kind of thing.

Close and I am to find.

What are you doing?

This is exactly the kind of off-roading where you've put new shocks and tires on your truck

and you're like, yeah, I'm going to test them out.

The trail won't be too much but you know, it'll be cool.

It'll be fun.

It'll be the thing.

You get like 25 miles out there at your girl.

It's like sick.

And there's like six Mexicans in a jetta.

Like bottomed out on that same trail.

Them fucking tires are at like 95 psi dude.

Fucking laid out.

Just fucking fucking going.

And that's their commute.

And you fucking guys.

That's crazy.

Oh, look at that photo though.

There you go.

Yeah, that's a shutter speed.

Hope you got that ceramic coating as you just got.

You know, they fucking dump the toilets right at that port.

Right there.

It's right before the runways.

That's all right, Captain.

You're clearing up the train.

That's what that little am cruiser looks good.

Wow, wow.

It's a food.

Oh, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

It's right here, too.

We don't even have to look at the pictures because it's right there.

That is a GMC typhoon.

You guys know about the typhoon.

Is it typhoon town?

You guys know about the typhoon.

So, is that the stock hood of the typhoon though?

Or is that is not?

That is not.

Oh, baby.

Summit racing is your friend.

That is.

It's a repair.

That is, it is jagged.

Sorry to summit.

There is nothing in between.

These cars.

Okay.

In 91, the GMC cyclone was released, which is the pickup truck version of this.

And a creative magazine person drag raced it against the Ferrari 348 TB, which is actually quite a lovely car.

But it has no torque and it has a dog leg one to shift.

And so they drag raced it and in a 0 to 60, the cyclone beat it by like three tenths.

And it was on the cover.

Holy shit.

You guys.

The general has been a truck that goes faster than a Ferrari.

And that was true.

We painted it again.

Yeah.

And that was true if the race was like 800 feet long.

And if you look at the quarter mile results, the Ferrari won by a second.

So in that same story where the cyclone was declared the winner.

Having said that, just like the Grand National, the Typhoon, the hard top version and the cyclone are all attitude.

It's just attitude.

How black can it be?

How mean looking can it be?

It's a 99 points of attitude and one point of actual substance.

And so the Typhoon and the cyclone are steaming piles of shit to drive.

I mean, they're fucking the trashest trash that is you.

I mean, you can't believe what a fucking shit box that is to drive.

I tried to do a goofy bit once where we compared one to an iris poor formante.

And it was like, it was brutal, but attitude.

It's all attitude.

All day every day.

None more black than that Typhoon.

I do think the hem sticker on the back is redundant.

Like you're driving a typhoon with full tint.

They know.

Yeah.

And that hood scoop, you're definitely.

Yeah, they're like, ah.

Yeah, I work in the weed business.

Yeah, no shit.

Who shit?

Nothing.

I love a typhoon.

I will only make fun of it.

How terrible a typhoon is to drive because the owner already knows.

And because of how awesome it is at everything else at like existing.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's all right.

Shout out.

Who owns that typhoon?

Here?

Yeah.

Of course.

Yeah, you look like that.

Oh, you're wearing a shirt.

You're wearing a hem sticker on your shirt.

Yes.

Yeah.

The typhoon is the perfect vehicle if you would like to smoke an L before running the quarter mile.

You have to, don't you?

You have to.

Ask me how I know, hubby.

That's fucking awesome.

Was that run about a 17-2?

18-4.

18.

Without the snorkel.

So there used to be a guy.

You guys like drag racers in here?

Anybody?

No.

All right.

Moving on.

If you guys don't like it, we don't have to talk about that shit.

What accountant was driving that BMW?

Oh.

Zach showed me this photo and I was like somebody like getting tied up and beaten with sticks.

Yeah.

The first photo I showed him was this one, where the entire engine trans and exhaust system is out of the vehicle.

Yeah.

Probably happens, I don't know, monthly.

Well, that's why I like the fact that the photo comes with the hood already up.

Yeah.

So this is how it's spent 90% of its time that I've owned the fucking thing.

So this is hard for me to start it and how it's going.

Yeah.

Before and after.

Wait, so for the audio at home, people, we're looking at what looks to be an Audi S8.

Like a 2000, a 2002 era, 2003, Audi S8.

Is it your Audi S8?

My condolences.

Yeah.

Who drove you here?

Check and make.

I was going to say the most valuable thing in that photo is the Stanley Cup, I think, isn't it?

So these S8s are actually some of the most lovely cars ever made when they work, which is never.

They are absolutely brutal, brutal, the own, but a treat.

It's manual swapped.

Oh, does it work?

The manual part works.

Yeah.

Before it goes in the car.

That'll be nice, eventually.

I started watching Ronin on the plane and they get, like, I think it's an S6.

And it's like, yeah, the only thing an Audi can outrun is a French car.

You know, the police are chasing them.

They're going to break down.

The Audi's going to break down about a mile.

We should put that on a T-shirt.

Audi's going to get all the outrun.

That's fucked up.

That's a fucked up insult for somebody.

You're shaking all the outroute of French car is a fucked up thing to say to somebody.

Ooh, this was nice.

Can we, can the person who has the T-E's look good on everything E46 BMW?

It's you?

Oh, wow.

It's a gray-haired white man, too.

Holy shit.

That's fucking awesome.

That's a 22-year-old man, man.

Yeah.

That's what happens when you're on a BMW.

You're on E46.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, no, it's vaping over here.

It's where?

I was vaping.

Yeah.

No, this is an E46 M3 with T-E37s in black.

I stopped and took this photo and I said, T-E's do look good on.

They do.

Almost everything.

Who in the Audi is good?

I'd like to provide an example of something that T-E's do not look good on.

Who's anyone seen one?

Truck.

Truck, well, yeah.

Except Toyota's.

Those are right.

993.

993 is the right answer.

993 is the singular right answer of T-E's don't look good on everything.

They look weird as hell on 993's.

Don't do it.

I'm sorry to the guy out there who listens to this show that has the fucking T-E.

Yeah, there's a guy crying right now somewhere.

He's alright.

He's just open the box and he's closing the box.

It's like son of a bitch.

I like that BMW.

That's a good BMW.

That's sick.

Oh, the Toyota Supra with no wing and what looks like H-R-E wheels.

Is that you?

Are those H-R-E's?

What are they?

Workmeisters.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is a wingless Supra.

How much power does this thing make, bro?

Mid five.

Is it twins?

Mid five.

The small single.

Mid five at the tire or the crank?

Oh, that's the right amount.

That's good.

That's gotta be a fun time.

This is a very beautiful car start there.

I don't...

I mean, listen.

You paid too much for it.

Well, did you buy it 15 years ago?

Guess what I paid.

Guess what you paid.

When did you buy it?

About 18.

15.

Ritual.

15.

Ooh.

Salvo.

15.

No.

Guess what you paid?

55 grand.

35.

13,000 dollars.

My man, I'm wrong.

I apologize.

You paid.

You just dropped them out.

You have...

Come the fuck up.

Yeah.

Wow.

It's nice.

Wow.

Look at that.

That's a beautiful car.

That's your Bitcoin.

That's all right.

Yeah.

That's actually doing better than Bitcoin.

That's a beautiful car.

Special sidebar shout out to the Matt Black...

Black wing back.

Is that you, Matt Black Black wing?

Is that a precision pack?

Oh, no.

That's a point three.

Oh.

That's the special color.

And it's a six-speed?

Good for you.

That's awesome.

He does like it.

I know it's like this when I realize that everybody in car culture is on the fucking spectrum.

And I don't want to hear any bullshit from anybody about that fucking garbage ever again.

Here's how you know.

Oh, the music guys got autism.

Do I assholes?

No.

Here's how you know.

It's a 55.56 with 19.36 splits on the back end of it.

And you're a fucking...

What'd you pay for it?

Let me smell it.

Yeah.

53 grand.

And I think you've misfiring on your third cylinder.

Fuck out of here.

Wait, you talk to any Corvette owner.

Good.

Oh, it's only one of 12,000 people on Tuesday.

Yeah.

Pretty rare.

Do you want to buy it?

I'm really hungry.

It's only one of 12,000 people on Tuesday.

I really like you.

People get real good.

The most creative writing is in the description of a Corvette for sale.

Does anybody hear this?

Oh, yeah, we know this.

You know this or this?

Well, that's it.

So we'll get to that.

Does anybody here have their Instagram handle on their car?

Get rid of it.

Immediately.

A, it's called fucking evidence.

Tell me.

And B, it makes you look like a loser.

You don't look like a loser in this room.

If you're driving a car with your Instagram handle on it, different story.

You seem nice.

I'm trying to help.

This.

This is sweet.

Whose car is this?

This...

Is it having a fucking Instagram handle on it?

Amazing.

I'm like, douchebag.

You leave 5,000.

There it is.

Wait, go back.

Do I get over there?

Flying off?

No, I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

I'm trying.

Yes.

You suck.

Give me the fucking keys.

Oh, shit.

I'm driving that back to LA.

You don't deserve that car.

For this offense, I'm repossessing your car.

Yeah.

This MR2 is fucking sick, dude.

Yeah, it is.

It has, like, F40-style wheels on it.

Does it go really fast?

300 of the wheels.

Wow.

Is it that Japanese motor?

Swap.

It's a V6.

What minivan?

A sienna?

A sienna V6?

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

That's a fucking Instagram handle off your car.

Cool.

Oh, wow.

That's superior.

Because you deserve it.

Your Toyota Ferrari-fonded thing in the front is awesome and really clever.

Yeah.

And then you go around the side and you go, oh, fuck that guy.

You guys heard it.

What I say before, one mod too far, right?

Yeah, there it is.

Take one mod off before the house.

That was the one.

The rest of it, no fucking notes.

Oh, I saw this guy driving around when I thought it'd be a good idea to stand outside the fucking Starbucks.

And I realized that this is the only place I've ever been when the wind blows and it gets hotter.

And I was like, the fuck is this experience?

This guy drove through the parking lot and that bike is sick.

Yeah.

I think it came in a trailer but it still looks really cool.

Who's bike is this?

This green thing.

What is the story on this thing?

A 1993 BMW R100 that's like super backdated to like 60s cafe racer kind of thing.

Yeah.

It looks awesome.

It looks really, really good.

Sounded great, too.

From a shop that built this, your shop, what's it called?

72 Performance, here in Houston.

Wow.

Best of the best handle motorcycle.

Nice.

Brought more.

Rob report.

Oh, cool.

It looks like it's an version of a BMW motorcycle.

Absolutely gorgeous motorcycle.

That's fabulous.

And you'll notice no Instagram handle anywhere.

To be seen on the said motorcycle.

They don't give best to the best.

That fucking shit.

Let me tell you.

Yeah.

No, this is fabulous.

Very nicely done, sir.

Yeah.

Okay.

So those are those M cars are all here.

Those are ones I took a lap and I found outside.

You guys sent some other ones in.

Sure.

Let's take a look at one or two more before we.

Is that yours?

I understand why I lost the contest.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's about to get.

I'm also not wrong.

It's a 150.

No, that wasn't the right one.

No, I'm just hitting the ones that are selected.

That's yours?

Yeah, it's boring, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want something boring.

No, wait.

We have?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here is what?

Oh, okay.

Now this one right here.

Wait, is that it?

You mean like a Porsche?

Wow.

There are seen one of those.

Hold on.

This is all right.

Right.

They are good.

We're from California.

It's playing 9-11.

Sorry.

Because this has a story, sir.

This is what I'm talking about.

Does anyone?

Is this anyone's here?

It's yours?

Yeah.

Do you get stopped by ice driving this?

Because...

Yeah, fucking.

It's a white guy.

I'm not trying to know the profile.

You're like, oh, free car.

So the story is like, you're 15 or you fixed it?

You're fixing it?

That's awesome.

Yeah.

You're cool.

Do you have some kind of shady ass farm equipment license

that lets you drive this thing on the street?

No.

It's not drivable.

Okay.

No brakes?

Oh, it's great.

That's not a project.

It's not a car.

That's Texas for you, I mean.

That's...

Yeah.

You see a problem.

I see an opportunity.

Yeah.

You can go.

Parachute.

This is awesome.

This is all right.

Yeah.

That hood patina needs to stay.

It will not...

You can't get rid of it.

Trust me.

This is...

This in the cockroaches at the end.

This is it.

Yes.

For sure.

Let's do one more.

Full on mass leather.

Then let's hit the body.

Yeah.

What do we not?

Because that's how we judge the timershow.

When my glass is empty.

Yo.

A collection.

Oh, we already talked about this person.

Sorry.

Did we?

Oh, that's their super.

Is it all...

Where'd you go?

Is your other shits?

They're all 93.

Were you born in 93?

Birthday cars.

Respect.

Yeah.

Well, that's a good photo.

I like that.

That's all right.

Earthier cars.

It sucks to be born in 81 and try to have birthier cars.

There wasn't fucking nothing.

Sorry.

We already done that.

Zach.

What are we doing?

We have to cut this.

Oh, hello.

Little 993.

That one's parked right over there in that photo studio.

Is that you?

Point 100.

That's yours.

All right.

That's a beautiful little 993.

Is there anything done to it?

Is it modified?

Okay.

Suspension.

Tri-ice.

Oh, you're the dry ice guy?

Oh, you got to get...

You got to work the fucking dry ice.

Yeah, of course.

You got to make sure...

That makes sense.

You guys heard of the dry ice?

The dry ice.

That's fucking thing.

How much is it?

$7,500.

What?

The fuck?

Yeah.

I respect the dry ice.

That's okay.

I like that 993.

That's beautiful.

Oh, now we're talking.

I can smell the...

I can smell the inside of this car.

This is...

Wow.

This...

It's a...

It's a mixture of...

Watermelon vape...

Axe...

Yeah.

And...

The cream wire is leather conditioner.

Is the...

Is the inside of this car?

The leather conditioner for sure.

Right.

Well, it's very important.

It's Badged Australian.

It's very important.

You know, this car was engineered in Australia.

Yeah, you know.

Did you guys know...

That this car...

That looks just like every fucking car America's ever made...

Was designed and engineered in Australia.

Yeah.

Not America.

It's a fucking holding.

This is a kind of immigrant we're okay with.

I just want...

The paperwork was done.

Yeah.

We like it.

But they were there.

They were criminals.

That's why they were there.

Sure.

They were literally criminals.

That's right.

They're just a different kind.

They're the good kind.

Please don't shoot me after the show.

It's a kind.

Oh.

Okay.

Cool.

Everybody's got a gun to me.

Yeah, you got a badger.

You got a badger.

Pontiac.

Like a holding.

I love these cars.

Well, because what happens, right?

Pontiac is dead.

Pontiac.

Imagine.

One day you're driving a Pontiac.

The next day they go,

we're shutting down Pontiac.

And you go, but I have a date Thursday.

She's going to know I'm driving some shit that's from a company

that doesn't exist anymore.

Re-badger.

Fucking losers too.

I know.

It's a holding.

It's important.

It's exotic.

Yeah.

It's not from here.

You had to try to get this.

I had to sneak it in.

I'm a spy.

Yeah.

Spin that negative into a positive, baby.

Faraday Future is going to do that real soon.

I know I keep talking about them,

but they need to re-badger.

Did you guys see the new Faraday Future minivan

with the screen on the front of it?

Oh, it's so stupid.

It's fucking crazy.

That's awesome.

Oh, this thing.

This is the last one.

Boom.

This is a hot boy shit right here.

Is this as the owner of this particular S2000?

It's you again.

What is going on?

Dry icing is so expensive.

It's so expensive.

Dry ice work is going into this.

Yeah.

I got to go into the dry ice building.

It's 2000.

You know, it came from Northern Michigan.

It was very corroded under there,

but I really brought it back with my dry ice process.

Yeah.

This is all right.

Also, TEs look good on everything.

Right?

Pretty much.

Almost everything.

It's got the hard tops.

Got the louvers.

Do you track it a lot?

Because for people listening, you have hood vents,

a wing that could put on a 737.

You got everything on here.

Do you track it?

Okay.

Tracks it.

That's pretty good.

That's not bad.

That's what regular people who frankly are so booked

with their dry ice business, they don't even know.

I don't even know if I can get you in.

Honestly, you want to talk about price,

but the favor is actually getting you in right now.

I got home booked out months.

I can't even go to the track with my S2000.

Because the dry ice business is so crazy.

It's so crazy.

There's just so much cash in front of the door.

I just can't get out of the door to go into the track.

Just burying it in track cars.

It's like hell of chopper.

It's like behind the walls.

You're just like...

The rats are eating the cash.

What if we put ice cubes in a leaf blower?

I think we could charge a lot of body.

His lady's like, wait a minute.

Are you rich?

Wait a fucking minute.

You fucking holding out of me?

All right.

Houston, we love you.

Thank you guys for entertaining us tonight.

Thank you for coming out.

Thank you for respecting one of my best friends, Christian James Hand.

Thank you, everybody.

The Houston Show!

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